Need advice to help alcoholic father
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
Need advice to help alcoholic father
Hi, I just created this account and i'm not sure if it's the right place to post my thread, if it's not I'm sorry, but here I go.
I'm 26 years old, my name is Robert. My father (55) is an end stage alcoholic. He is drunk 24/7, his apartment is a complete mess, very bad cockroach infastation, he has not cleaned in there for years. It's really bad, It's like where some homeless person would live. Trash everywhere, cigarette buds on the floor... bad smell...Broken down electronics. And I'm so sad, because of it....
Everything he says is a lie, he is in complete denial. He says he has a job, but in reality he is like an avarage homless alcoholic in my country (picking up empty bottles from the streets, trash cans and returning them), he owns an apartment, and my grandmother, now 91, pays for the utilities. I know for a fact that he does not hold a job, because many times I've seen him in street, carrying huge trash bags full of empty bottles, while driving past him in my car.,,
I used to live with him when I was younger, and cleaned after him. Now, that I've been gone for 5 years (now have a wife), everyting has turned to the worst very, very quickly.
Every time when he is cleary drunk, and I mention it, he says he is complitley sober. He just lies, even when there were empty bottles around he would be like "I'm not drunk, whats wrong with you"? He lies about holding a job, about being sober, about cleaning his apartment. I did mention to him, that his apartment looks disgusting the last time I visited. He promised to clean it and order pest control. Visited again after 6 months last week......looked even worse.
His appearence is really really odd too, I think he has not got much time. He looks really old for 55 year old, shaky hands, blood shot eyes, bad knee, bad shoulder....., dirty and worn clothes...and he does nothing to fix the situation...
How can I turn him around? He is only 55, he should have good 20 years at least left in him, if he did not drink every day. He is a good man, addicted, but when sober.....a good generous man.
Going to have a daughter next month, would like him to get to know her...
I'm 26 years old, my name is Robert. My father (55) is an end stage alcoholic. He is drunk 24/7, his apartment is a complete mess, very bad cockroach infastation, he has not cleaned in there for years. It's really bad, It's like where some homeless person would live. Trash everywhere, cigarette buds on the floor... bad smell...Broken down electronics. And I'm so sad, because of it....
Everything he says is a lie, he is in complete denial. He says he has a job, but in reality he is like an avarage homless alcoholic in my country (picking up empty bottles from the streets, trash cans and returning them), he owns an apartment, and my grandmother, now 91, pays for the utilities. I know for a fact that he does not hold a job, because many times I've seen him in street, carrying huge trash bags full of empty bottles, while driving past him in my car.,,
I used to live with him when I was younger, and cleaned after him. Now, that I've been gone for 5 years (now have a wife), everyting has turned to the worst very, very quickly.
Every time when he is cleary drunk, and I mention it, he says he is complitley sober. He just lies, even when there were empty bottles around he would be like "I'm not drunk, whats wrong with you"? He lies about holding a job, about being sober, about cleaning his apartment. I did mention to him, that his apartment looks disgusting the last time I visited. He promised to clean it and order pest control. Visited again after 6 months last week......looked even worse.
His appearence is really really odd too, I think he has not got much time. He looks really old for 55 year old, shaky hands, blood shot eyes, bad knee, bad shoulder....., dirty and worn clothes...and he does nothing to fix the situation...
How can I turn him around? He is only 55, he should have good 20 years at least left in him, if he did not drink every day. He is a good man, addicted, but when sober.....a good generous man.
Going to have a daughter next month, would like him to get to know her...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
This post breaks my heart as a parent. I have a 7 year old son and I don't want him growing up and typing something like this. How tragic for you and your father. The truth is, you can't do anything. He has to want help, and right now it doesn't seem like he does.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Robert345 
How can I turn him around?
You can't fix it.
You may want to consider a support group to deal with your emotions over the situation. Al-anon was created for this purpose.
Congratulations on becoming a father soon.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Yeah,man..Nothing you can really do for him besides not enabling and it sounds like you're not. The only suggestion I'd wager to offer is to try and catch him sober for an open/honest/calm discussion(setting boundaries) about what your 'wishes' are as far as a healthy relationship between you,him and his future granddaughter. Congrats btw!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
Robert,
I am the same age as your father. I also have children your age. When I drank I was a master at lying, hiding, and manipulation of the people around me( although I wasnt really fooling anyone)I do not believe there is anything you can do to change your father unless he really wants to change. It is important that you take care of yourself and your wife. This is not your fault. I know you love your father and it sounds mean but he has to take the first step. Alcoholism is a terrible ugly thing. Try to be there for him if and when he reaches out for help. I feel for you. It’s a tough thing but your own well being is what’s most important.
I am the same age as your father. I also have children your age. When I drank I was a master at lying, hiding, and manipulation of the people around me( although I wasnt really fooling anyone)I do not believe there is anything you can do to change your father unless he really wants to change. It is important that you take care of yourself and your wife. This is not your fault. I know you love your father and it sounds mean but he has to take the first step. Alcoholism is a terrible ugly thing. Try to be there for him if and when he reaches out for help. I feel for you. It’s a tough thing but your own well being is what’s most important.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 138
Hi Robert,
That harsh reality is you cannot change an alcoholic, they must change for themselves.I have known many close friends, relations and even my own mother die addicted to alcohol.Let him know you are there to help if he decides he wants to quit and if so going to an AA meeting with him would be great.
That harsh reality is you cannot change an alcoholic, they must change for themselves.I have known many close friends, relations and even my own mother die addicted to alcohol.Let him know you are there to help if he decides he wants to quit and if so going to an AA meeting with him would be great.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I am only 9 days sober but when I am drinking, I live a similar lifestyle to your father. I don't clean my apartment or care much about my personal appearance. I also lie and manipulate. Alcohol poisons the mind and distorts reality. I lose all self-awareness. Your father is a sick man suffering in the depths of addiction. He needs help but he has to want to get help. You can't force him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 6
Well AA has a chapter on how to manipulate people like your Father into recovery called "Too Wives." So since your father is a type/ in stage 3 or 4 of the disease you can do one thing. Simply tell him that you love him and if he ever wants to quit drinking for good there is a way out, and you will support, heck maybe even help him find the help he needs. And if he wants to drink himself to death, tell him you love him and will miss him.
His legacy to his grandchildren will be about the perils of alcoholism. He will die with no dignity, honor or respect. Do this with kindness, let him know simply this can be fixed anytime he chooses, he just needs to ask for help. If not from you someone. We all needed either a push or person to help us.
His legacy to his grandchildren will be about the perils of alcoholism. He will die with no dignity, honor or respect. Do this with kindness, let him know simply this can be fixed anytime he chooses, he just needs to ask for help. If not from you someone. We all needed either a push or person to help us.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Robert, I'm really sorry for your situation and the pain it's causing you.
I wish the best for you and your about-to-be-born daughter. I hope that your father decides to change his life.
I wish the best for you and your about-to-be-born daughter. I hope that your father decides to change his life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
Thank you all for advice. Now, I understand that no one can't help him, unless he is willing to accept change and help, makes me sad, but that's my life, I guess.
I called him up this morining at 8AM, he sounded sober, hope he really was.
Told him, when my child is born, he is not allowed any contact with her unless he is sober. He will not get any visits from us, unless he is willing to keep basic order in his apartment.
However, I said I do care about him, I'm not abandoning him and im willing to help/seek help for him, when he is ready. He is allways welcomed in my family, when he is sober. And we will visit him, when he manages to clean up. We love him. We love sober him.
It's just, when I have a child he has to be sober around her. I can't take a little girl to visit grandpa who's house looks like something straight out of horror movie, not to mention him being "wierd" (drunk). And then explainig to her why grandpa acts wierd. Not gonna happen.
Hope, he decides to change.
I called him up this morining at 8AM, he sounded sober, hope he really was.
Told him, when my child is born, he is not allowed any contact with her unless he is sober. He will not get any visits from us, unless he is willing to keep basic order in his apartment.
However, I said I do care about him, I'm not abandoning him and im willing to help/seek help for him, when he is ready. He is allways welcomed in my family, when he is sober. And we will visit him, when he manages to clean up. We love him. We love sober him.
It's just, when I have a child he has to be sober around her. I can't take a little girl to visit grandpa who's house looks like something straight out of horror movie, not to mention him being "wierd" (drunk). And then explainig to her why grandpa acts wierd. Not gonna happen.
Hope, he decides to change.
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