Chandni

I am in the middle of my divorce. When I left him, I was in a pretty bad state emotionally. Fast forward to 10 months now , why do I keep questioning my decision and keep feeling guilty ? I mean my situation wasn't as bad as some of the stuff I have read here and heard elsewhere. But it was almost like I had zero tolerance to being left lonely after he was passed out. Zero tolerance to being left on the side of the road after I objected to him over drinking.
We lived together for 3 years and he pretty much broke all my confidence and was never grateful for anything I ever did. He would compare me to everyone . I was so frustrated that our fights were becoming physical and I was the one who hit him first always everytime I saw him swaying. My frustration was through the roof.
Yet today , I question my decision to leave. I question if I over reacted when I left in the middle of the day while he was at work. I feel guilty about not having a decent conversation with him about it. But I just felt like I convenience factor at the end of the day. So I did not even know if telling him would've mattered. I just cannot seem to shake this guilt off of me .

Clover71

I'm sorry you feel so bad, but I say you are badass for making that decision and follow it through with it.

Have you read "not this?"

Chandni

Part of me had hoped that this would be his rock bottom but his ego is so big right now that we haven't talked in 10 months. He never reached out. He's continuing to do what he does best. Makes me wonder if I even meant anything to him to begin with.
Anyway, not leaving was not an option. I was suicidal and had no tools to continue living in that environment . I had never seen or dealt with an alcoholic before and seeing some that intoxicated was very scary for me every single time .
He was gaslighting me all the time.
But I just can't seem to shake him off. It's like my brain constantly thinks about him .

Sleepyhollo

Just reread both your post a few times. No you didn’t overreact, you did what many of us should have done a long time ago and we just couldn’t because we kept thinking it would just get better somehow .
I think the fact that you haven’t talked for 10 months is telling. I get that it it hard because after all you thought you once loved that person but doesn’t sound like he gave much to the relationship. I think with time you will realize you did the right thing and never look back. You got out instead of putting up with it for many more years. Sounds like you yourself were in a pretty bad place emotionally and did what you had to do for you. I think a lot of us wish we would’ve had the strength to do that instead of sticking around for many years and putting others first.
My RAH after his divorce from his ex said that he wasn’t sad about leaving her but mourned the fact that the marriage failed (or something like that).

Blueskies18

I've noticed that I feel guilty every time I do something or say something I think I shouldn't. Guilt is awful. It freezes me, because I'm afraid that any move I make could be wrong. I spend so much time reading things to help me relieve my guilt, and every now and then I read something in al anon about being kind to myself. I beat myself up inside every day and second guess myself. I bookmark pages to read and re-read. I tell myself to HALT, (stop and take care of me if I feel hungry, angry/anxious, lonely or tired). It sounds to me like you feel anxious. Stop and take care of you just for today. You'd never hurt a friend or a pet the way you're hurting yourself. Take care of you.

Maudcat

Hi, Chandni.
Welcome.
I think we all deserve to be with someone who loves and cherishes us.
If that isn’t happening, then moving on is the right thing to do.

CarryOn

I fully understand how you’re feeling and have been there as I’m sure many others here have.

Just because others’ situations are “worse” does not mean we should tolerate what we are experiencing or more importantly that we don’t deserve better. Was the relationship what you wanted for yourself & for years to come? I think back to telling my therapist that things were fine...he was sobor a day or two each week so we had good days. Really CO, two days negates five lousy ones? It’s the frog in the boiling pot of water analogy.

The other thing I read here is your remorse over the physical conflict, so I’ll share my experience. I slapped my AXH once when he was antagonizing me. I could not believe I had done it. It was the physical manifestation of the knowledge that I did not like who I was becoming which was in direct correlation to the way we were living. The relationship was long past being unhealthy and needed to end.

I think it’s very natural to question yourself. I know that’s why people suggest lists of the negatives so you can reference the reality as needed. I wouldn’t wish alcoholism or divorce upon anyone, but I believe the silver lining is the opportunity to grow and use the experience to provide ourselves with a happy, peaceful life.

trailmix

I can see how you might feel guilty for not having a conversation with him about it, but, and this is a big but, realistically why did you leave in the middle of the day without a word?

Is it because he antagonized you relentlessly? Gaslighted you?That you were suicidal? Because your arguments had progressed to a point where you were being violent (I assume that's not your "normal").

Any of these would be reason enough to flee, you were saving yourself.

The question is, why do you feel guilty. Do you think you hurt him unnecessarily? Do you think he deserved an explanation? Are you by any chance trying to put "normal" feelings in to an abnormal situation, as in, well he was probably very hurt and now he's just lonely and drinking and wondering why I just took off and?

Part of you was hoping this was his "rock bottom". You say he is continuing on as he always has, so if he's still drinking guess it wasn't and now he gets to just - drink.

I hope you have been reading a lot around the forums, including the stickies at the top of this forum.

W999

Please, please lose the guilt. I truly wished I'd left my wife ten years ago. I now feel like I've been robbed off that ten years when I could be living a decent life. Back at that time tho I had thoughts of guilt about leaving her and thinking it's only been a couple of years she will come to her senses if I just help her. She never came to her senses and now it's ten years later. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. The much worse feeling is what I have now and it's one of SHEER and UTTER PANIC not to lose any more of my life to this.

Clover71

I've been reading your posts again and the replies. I think maybe the guilt comes from a normal sense of caring and feeling like you are walking away and also about feeling like something you could do would make a difference. I've learned that isn't tha case. It's hard to not be able to "fix" things, and I have had to pull away from friends who were sucking me dry emotionally. It's more difficult for a spouse. I will reiterate that what you did was so strong. What's the point if you go down together? Take care of yourself

Chandni

I just don't know why i am even guilty. I have been through a lot of abuse . Verbal , emotional, physical.
His voice keeps playing in my head. He became more and more and more abusive over time and I was so so so blind to it all. I www doing everything thinking that I was doing it out of love. I was so blind to the fact that he was thinking of me as a maid for his needs throughout and I eventually got treated So badly. I was not only blind to his alcoholism, I was blind to the abuse too

trailmix

Are you getting any help? Counselling or a support group? Individual counselling would be great but if that's not in the budget or you're not comfortable with it, what about abuse groups?

Home - The National Domestic Violence Hotline

That's the national domestic violence hotline, you might want to call them and see what groups are meeting in your area?

I just think that speaking to others that might have that same guilt would be helpful.

I can guess why you would feel that way (because you are uncomfortable treating people what would be considered "badly" regardless of the circumstance) but it's just a guess and that's not helpful to you.

Why do you think it is?

trailmix

I was just thinking, these threads on abuse might help as well:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)

dandylion

Chandi.....I agree with the advice that trailmix has been giving you....regarding getting support/therapy from the local domestic violence folks.....They can offer your counseling and a support group...

Here is the number to call that can connect you with the proper people.....

domestic Violence Hotline.....1-800-799-7233

You are not the first person who has suffered an abusive relationship...and, then, feels guilty for any actions that they took...or, feels like the "guilty" party. In fact, it is pretty common.....
I think you would benefit from a support group of those who have been t hrough some of the same experiences that you have suffered....
The key to getting through this is getting support....the right kind of help...
It is just a fact t hat t hose who are willing to get help...willing to accept help are the ones who get better....

Look at it this way--what do you have to lose"
Make that phone call and talk to the very kind and understanding people who are there to help you...

In addition...I think you will benefit from reading "Co-Dependent No More" (if you haven't, already)....It is highly recommended. I believe that you will find a lot of it resonating with you...and, it is an easy read.
Yu can find it on amazon.com or at your local library....

You can totally get through this...just be willing to reach out your hand....