my daughter is coming home from treatment
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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my daughter is coming home from treatment
My daughter is coming home from treatment in a sober living place. She has been sober for 4 months. All ready and excited to come home, but I am concerned about her coming home and us not knowing what to do to help keep her clean. Any suggestions?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi girfreedom 
You posted in our chat admin forum which is not the chatroom. I moved your post here to Newcomers forum for more response.
I have no experience to share but others will
If you want the chat room, follow this link:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/achat.php
welcome
D
You posted in our chat admin forum which is not the chatroom. I moved your post here to Newcomers forum for more response.
I have no experience to share but others will
If you want the chat room, follow this link:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/achat.php
welcome
D
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
my suggestion would be to join in on the Family and Friends' forums farther down and ask others there about their experiences and for input.
your sober kid coming home is exciting and i can see why you'd be concerned about how to help and she is blessed to have parents who are concerned enough to check out how to help
your sober kid coming home is exciting and i can see why you'd be concerned about how to help and she is blessed to have parents who are concerned enough to check out how to help
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
but I am concerned about her coming home and us not knowing what to do to help keep her clean. Any suggestions?
let her be responsible for continueing her recovery.you shouldnt help her stay clean- she has to take responsibility and accountability for her recovery. learn about boundaries and use them.
head over to the f&f forum here. theres great reading in the stickies and great support and wisdom from the people there.
let her be responsible for continueing her recovery.you shouldnt help her stay clean- she has to take responsibility and accountability for her recovery. learn about boundaries and use them.
head over to the f&f forum here. theres great reading in the stickies and great support and wisdom from the people there.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
Tomsteve said what I was going to say. It's her job to stay clean. No one can make her stay clean. It's up to her.
Let her know you support her but have clear boundaries as to what is expected of her I hope all goes well.
Let her know you support her but have clear boundaries as to what is expected of her I hope all goes well.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
The best thing you can do to help her stay clean is to leave it up to her. She is the only one that can do this and getting involved even with the best intentions is often counter-productive. Just let her know you are happy to have her home and that you are there if she ever wants to talk about anything.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
The following is from AAs Big Book. Just substitute Dad for daughter;
"Father feels he has struck something better than gold. For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself. He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it for the rest of his life and insists on giving away the entire product.
If the family cooperates, dad will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of values. He will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all. If the family will appreciate that dad's current behavior is but a phase of his development, all will be well. In the midst of an understanding and sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad's spiritual infancy will quickly disappear.
The opposite may happen should the family condemn and criticize. Dad may feel that for years his drinking has placed him on the wrong side of every argument, but that now he has become a superior person with God on his side. If the family persists in criticism, this fallacy may take a still greater hold on father. Instead of treating the family as he should, he may retreat further into himself and feel he has spiritual justification for so doing.
Though the family does not fully agree with dad's spiritual activities, they should let him have his head. Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics. During those first days of convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobriety than anything else. Thoughsome of his manifestations are alarming and disagreeable, we think dad will be on a firmer foundation than the man who is placing business or professional success ahead of spiritual development. He will be less likely to drink again, and anything is preferable to that.
"Father feels he has struck something better than gold. For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself. He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it for the rest of his life and insists on giving away the entire product.
If the family cooperates, dad will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of values. He will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all. If the family will appreciate that dad's current behavior is but a phase of his development, all will be well. In the midst of an understanding and sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad's spiritual infancy will quickly disappear.
The opposite may happen should the family condemn and criticize. Dad may feel that for years his drinking has placed him on the wrong side of every argument, but that now he has become a superior person with God on his side. If the family persists in criticism, this fallacy may take a still greater hold on father. Instead of treating the family as he should, he may retreat further into himself and feel he has spiritual justification for so doing.
Though the family does not fully agree with dad's spiritual activities, they should let him have his head. Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics. During those first days of convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobriety than anything else. Thoughsome of his manifestations are alarming and disagreeable, we think dad will be on a firmer foundation than the man who is placing business or professional success ahead of spiritual development. He will be less likely to drink again, and anything is preferable to that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by girfreedom 
My daughter is coming home from treatment in a sober living place. She has been sober for 4 months. All ready and excited to come home, but I am concerned about her coming home and us not knowing what to do to help keep her clean. Any suggestions?
My wife just returned from a sober living facility only a couple of a days ago. There should be a few things they helped her do as part of the transition to a home life...
1) she should have a daily schedule that helps her structure her day. Addicts appear to do poorly with structure when active, but do very well with it when sober. These schedules help them fill their day with productive things to keep them busy as boredom often results in trouble.
2) you should have developed a boundary plan/contract with her that outlines what is acceptable behavior to you while she is living/intermingling with you/family. My wife and I have one and we developed it during her rehab. Most of it defines boundaries that are based on how she used me during her addiction and that after I got some clarity realized what had happened. This was a major no-go area for me this time around, so my boundaries reflect that. Of course there are standard boundaries like no using, maintaining sobriety, a program, etc...
3) she should be attending regular AA meetings, seeing therapists/counselors, IOP, aftercare, and have a sponsor, etc... These are beneficial resources for her to fall back on and develop a network of people who can support her.
4) she should start a job or commence service work.. again, this is so she can become a productive member of society and the family once again.
The final thing that you need to do is to not enable her... as others have said, her recovery is on her, and needs to be on her.
If you want to discuss more, please feel free to PM me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by girfreedom
My daughter is coming home from treatment in a sober living place. She has been sober for 4 months. All ready and excited to come home, but I am concerned about her coming home and us not knowing what to do to help keep her clean. Any suggestions?
i would suggest that you try to go to a few al anon meetings for yourself. This is because they are best equipped to help you understand how addicts and alcoholics think, and manipulate. You are probably torn on what will be actions which make you an enabler and what actions make you a terror for her recovery? So hopefully by attending al anon they will teach you that balance.
I know you probably wanted something simpler but the truth is every addict/alcoholic's recovery is difficult to gauge. I mean she could really hate being sober, or she could love it, so hard to give concrete advice.
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