Smilax

Was just checking when I last posted on here and it was way back in December of 2016. Some may remember me, most won't. I was struggling at one point with more than one substance. At my worst I was drinking a bottle of red wine a night 2 sleeping pills or more and 3 or 4 beers. Looking back on that it's crazy that I took it to that level. My last post was about having tapered off and was sober. To be honest I can't remember how long that lasted. Looking back I can't remember if I've drank anything since then until now or not. I know I've gone through many time in my life where I've been sober for months or years at a time and then back to periods of drinking. But my whole life kind of just blurs together.

I don't think it's the alcohol itself that is necessarily the cause of the poor memory as I have always lived my life in a numb fog, long before I even discovered alcohol. Plus I've recently tested my memory by memorizing all the countries of the world and I'm still able to retain 95% or more of them fairly easily. It's a stupid little memory game I play for fun but it just shows that there's nothing technically wrong with my memory. But for the life of me I've never been able to remember names, faces, dates, events, things people said to me. It's like I just drift through life, sober or not.

I know for a fact that even if I was drinking since the last time I posted that there were definitely some months of sobriety in there as I have only recently gone back to daily drinking. I threw away the sleeping pills as I was starting to mix those in again but I'm not going to. Currently I'm drinking about a bottle of wine a night.

Physically I feel terrible right now though. Anxious, mildly nauseous, hazy. And yet like as always somehow by 3pm I know I'll be drinking again that night. Do I need to stop, yes absolutely.

The loneliness of my life has made it extremely difficult to remain sober. I tend to complain a lot about being alone at 35, never having had a relationship etc. But it's deeper than that, I've been a loner my whole life for the most part. I have family that love me, I have friends. But there is something deep that's missing. I care a lot more for others than I care for myself. My friends clearly care more for me than I do for myself. They seem to see in my a great kind, friendly, funny caring person. And I know all those truths are true about me. Somehow none of it sticks.

Dee74

Hi Smilax

I remember you
Sorry you're drinking again - sounds like you're not feeling great sober or drinking?

I felt that way too but I realised, finally, that maybe I had more than one problem - one being the alcohol; and the other being the fogginess, the apathy and the blending in of memories from one year to the next.

Turns out I was long term depressed - so long term I didn't realise it.

Whether thats your second problem or not, I cannot say - but I guarantee you'll have a better chance of dealing with whatever it is sober.

It took me about 3 months for the fog to clear - 3 months of not drinking, and trying my best to build a life I was happy in

D

Smilax

Thanks Dee. I remember you too. Good to hear you are still doing well.

Yes I've been depressed pretty much my entire life I think. It started some time in my childhood, I think around grade 1 or 2 to be honest. I struggled a lot with school and I had parents that helicopter parented me. They love and support me but they more smother and enable me than anything. My life has been easy in fact because of them.

But I digress. I don't think I've been truly happy for more than a few weeks or months at a time in my life. And I've been lucky to even have that. It's not that I'm actively suicidally depressed. I hold down a full time job at the moment and indeed most of my days are filled with jokes and laughter with coworkers. But it's not true happiness. It's a facade that gets me through the day. Which isn't to say I'm not "having fun" at work, that I don't like my friends. It's that there is a DEEP sense of dissatisfaction with life, with myself, that never leaves me.

I've become deeply cynical and jaded over the years. I complain but I do nothing to improve my situation. I believe this is common among alcoholics but I've been this way long before alcohol. I complain about not having relationships but I technically could probably find one with relative ease. The difficulty would be in overcoming my social anxiety and shyness that prevents me from ever approaching anyone. So I just never try and reap the loneliness. And so it goes with everything in my life.

This isn't to say I haven't made progress. I have made quite a lot of progress since my worst times in my life. There was a time when I was not working or able to go to school. I now manage a store, work full time etc. But it's always in danger of collapsing. Things going back to the old ways.

Dee74

a lot of that stuff I thought was me turned out to be the effects of regular alcoholic drinking.

It was so entrenched it took a few months of continuous sobriety to shift.

D

Smilax

That could indeed be the case. Although as I’ve mentioned I’ve drifted through life without being present long before alcohol. I’m sure the alcohol makes it worse. Ive been sober for longer periods in between too though, at least a year or more at some point.

chowchow

I was thinking today that my memory is so much better since I haven't been drinking. I was beginning to think I had early onset dementia. I truly believe it was the alcohol causing my memory problems.

I hope you stick around.

PinkPanther08

Today was supposed to be my first day not drinking. I even sat through an AA meeting that I connected with which spoke about fear and I already had it in my mind that I was going to drink tonight.

My job is on the line and I was sober just about a month ago but thought I could have some wine on a date and everything has just sprialed.

PinkPanther08

Hope you make it back to being sober.

Smilax

Thank you. I’m sorry you are struggling as well and I hope the same for you. I know exactly what that feels like in terms of knowing you are going to drink. I’ve made up my mind long before I start that night.

What has stopped me in the past has always been that I decided I didn’t want to feel physically crappy anymore. I decided I didn’t want to feel hazy, anxious, hungover etc every day. But it was never because I decided I was worth “saving” if you know what I mean. I never got to the point where I valued myself enough to say the sentence, you deserve better than this.

Factually I know deep down that I do deserve to treat myself better than this. But knowing and feeling are two different things. In the world of emotions factual knowledge means very little in my experience. And it’s the emotions that are at the controls when I decide to drink.

I’ve never been clear on how to build up that self worth. Nor why mine is so low. I’ve had a good life, an easy life. Yet I seem to value it very little.

rascalwhiteoak

Smilax, what you describe in your posts is very familiar to me, especially your experience of feeling disconnected from a fuller life. I don't really have any answers, as it's something I'm still working through myself, but do know you're not alone. I still can't muster the level of happy that The Happy People do, but I can sustain a decent level of contentment now.

Also know that it's easier to work through in sobriety. I've always tried to live a conscientious life, yet I was abusing myself on a nightly basis. I'm more kind to myself now; I'm worth the effort I'm putting in. I think you are, too.

Delilah1

Hi Smilax,

Welcome back!

Smilax

Thank you! I wish I was not, and I know that's not what you meant by your thanks.

I have a feeling that it's going to take me a while to kick this demon again as it always does. Feels weird typing that but I know myself. Just hope it doesn't take something stupid.

VikingGF

Hi, Smilax-
Welcome back to SR.

Your posts are eerie to me because I could have written them a few years ago. The poor memory, the fog, the not feeling present and the "acting" to get through the day and being a completely different person on the outside than the inside. I never really felt comfortable in my own skin way before I started drinking, but I get that others think you are funny, likable and caring.

The most difficult thing for me to deal with in the beginning of my journey to sobriety was that exact feeling- it was kind of a "why am I doing this if I still feel removed/lonely/drifting" and that did not change with only not drinking. That didn't change until I started addressing some of the things that made me not like myself- the things I considered character flaws (in myself) and honestly facing them, journalling, changing my behaviors, giving myself credit for making an effort.

I am not clinically depressed and take no medications, so I cannot speak to that- but plenty of others can. Just wanted to let you know that your words ring 100% familiar to me, and with ongoing sobriety and work on yourself, things WILL get better.

PS. I was able to stop before anything stupid happened, so can you.

J50

I think many of us drank to fill a void. I believe that to be the best version of ourselves we have to work on ourselves. Whether it's identifying that we have low self esteem, depression, anxiety, etc. From there we can positively fill the void. We can get this from religion, therapy, meditation, exercise, or other positive means. While it's nice to have validation from others, we must first love and accept ourselves for who we are.

Smilax

Thanks J. I have gone through periods of my life where I felt I was working on myself. Fairly long periods really. I got in very good shape at one point, was running 4 km almost every day. I was hiking all over the place. I wasn't drinking. That was certainly a "better" time in my life. But even then, looking back. I wasn't as deep in the fog as I am now but I still felt a void then too. I've made some genuine friends who seem to care about me now too. Still I feel the void. Self esteem, self worth is definitely part of the picture.

Smilax

Thank you! To be honest it's not clear to myself what aspect of myself I need to change, other than the drinking of course. I've been dissatisfied with my life for a very long time. I once had great promise academically, and I now find myself working retail jobs the past 10 years. I know that sense of failure has certainly burned me out. But then I don't know how much of me really wanted to succeed and how much of me kind of just drifted into going to university because it was expected of me. I still love the sciences, math, etc. But what do I want my life to look like? That's not a question I can answer. It's one I don't like to think about much because it brings up great pain.

I've been on autopilot so long I've forgotten how to operate the controls. And I'm not talking due to the alcohol.