inrecoverymysel

I got a call this morning from my RABF's case manager at his sober living house. He has been recovering for 7 months, 4 of it in sober living, with a relapse. He asked me what has happened when my boyfriend went back to his house this past weekend for his grandfather's funeral. I told him my boyfriend took few sips of alcohol in order to "bond with his father", and his father smiled and asked how it felt to drink alcohol again. When I saw this in person, I was appalled and had to excuse myself. Few minutes later, I approached my boyfriend and asked what was going on. He told me his intentions were never to not drink alcohol ever again, since drugs and alcohol aren't the same thing, and claimed we have discussed it. I thought he was going to be abstinent for the rest of his life, and had comfort in that. Hearing his opinion on alcohol hit me hard. I naively told the story to his case manager, and an hour later I got a call from my boyfriend. He told me he is not angry at me, although his parents are furious and hate me right now, and he got asked to leave the sober living house. I had no idea this would happen, in the contrary, I thought the sober living house would protect my boyfriend from his dysfunctional, control freak, crazy parents, who have no clue about recovery yet want everything to go they want. Thinking I caused my boyfriend to get kicked out of his sober living house makes me sick. I wasn't going to lie, but I didn't know these would be the consequences. I know he is nowhere ready to be discharged, let alone move back home. I am scared things will go downhill. I have been doing so well keeping my nose out of his recovery and being supportive. I don't know what to do. I will not go through the nasty period of active addiction, and being treated horribly. His parents most likely will not be pleased to have my boyfriend spend time with me, and since he is financially dependent on them, they can control everything. I genuinely don't care if I don't see him for months, if that's what it takes for him to be healthy, but I know that is not the case. He needs to be in a controlled environment surrounded with people who want to help him, not with his psychotic alcoholic parents who are on power trips. If you have any experience, I would love to hear them. I am stuck, exhausted, and lost.

Ann

My son is my addicted loved one, so I have no experience with this but I wanted to stop and send you a hug anyway.

You did nothing wrong. You told the truth and the truth is that he drank and thinks drinking is okay. That kind of thinking would have eventually got him thrown out anyway.

Every recovering addict I have ever known thought, at one time, that they could have a beer or two. Every recovering alcoholic I have ever known, thought they could smoke pot and it would be harmless. Although this may be true for a very few, in every single case that I knew of..it led to relapse and relapse took them back to their drug of choice.

Some time and space right now might be good for both of you. He can decide if he is willing to fight for his sobriety and "do" the "do" things required. And you can decide if you want to live with the uncertaintly, for the rest of your life, of whether he is sober/clean or using.

Sometimes relationships like this work, but those times include the willingness and determination of the addict to get and stay clean....not to justify changing drugs (alcohol is a drug too).

I hope you can make peace with yourself over this, you are not to blame for his addiction or for what happens to him when he uses or drinks.

Hugs

Smarie78

You will never EVER have a guarantee of abstinence. Addicts are ALWAYS in recovery. It doesn't just heal. You're an addict for the rest of your life. He could be in recovery for 20 years and have a relapse. That is an uncertainty you must be willing to live with if you are going to continue the relationship. If you think he will remain abstinent, that is just a false comfort. You must accept the possibility is just a drink or drug away. Now his chances of staying abstinent, can give you some comfort in probability if you see he is doing the work. But taking a drink to bond with dad does not seem like recovery to me. They couldn't go for a walk together or share a coffee? If he was serious about recovery, drinking to bond with dad doesn't sound like it would have been a wise choice.


NOTHING is going to protect your bf from his CHOICES. If he wants to be sober he will be sober, despite his family or the SLH. My xABF was in SL for years and always got kicked out because he could not stop drinking. He literally was surrounded by help, no bad influences, and he still wouldn't stop. The only thing that can protect your boyfriend is HIMSELF. Not you, not the sober house, not his family. HE must make the decisions. He is not a child.


Have you been working on your own codependency? I speak from my own ongoing recovery. It sounds more like *you* need him to be in a controlled environment. Again, he is not a child or a pet. He is capable of making his own choices. As much as you may want to, you cannot control his environment any more than you can control his choices. A SLH is useless if HE doesn't want to be there or do the work to stay there. You can't lock him up away so he makes better choices. He is an adult and if he wants to stay sober, he has the keys to it. The SLH is not going to make him sober. It simply provides a dry environment with others going through it also to support. But again, it is entirely useless if he doesn't want to be there or making the decision on his own to stay there.

Lastly, I am not familiar with case managers calling and asking for information on qualifiers. That seems odd to me. I truly believe that it is best you stay out of it. His recovery isn't YOUR recovery. While it's not your fault he was kicked out, you should not be involved in his recovery or reporting back to the house manager. Leave that to him to deal with. You aren't his mother or his parole officer. This should not concern you whatsoever. I remember one time calling my xABF's house manager after he disappeared not being able to find him. It occurred to me that I was trying to control and become involved in a situation that I should not have been in. Free yourself from that burden.

When my qualifier would get drunk in my home I would ask him to leave. He would ask to sober up at my place so he wouldn't get "caught" drunk at sober living. Eventually I learned to say no. I didn't want to protect him, but I also didn't care if he got caught. Now I also didn't want to out him because, why? Once he walked out my door it wasn't my problem.

The best advice I can give you is to work on your own codependency. Have you tried Alanon?

PuzzledHeart

You didn't cause it. Your boyfriend did. He drank. What else did he expect?

I also get the feeling that the case manager called you because HE had a feeling that something was amiss. It could also be that your boyfriend showed up at the sober living house drunk, and instead of fessing up, he lied so blatantly through his teeth that it was obvious to everyone he wasn't serious about recovery.

It's also way easier for his parents to blame you rather than accept responsibility for their actions. Honestly, (no pun intended), I think they expected you to lie about your boyfriend's actions to cover THEIR behinds. If people expect you to lie for them, it's a pretty good indicator that they will also lie to you.

Do you really want to be entangled with this family? The father sounds like a real peach.

Troubledone

Someone once said to me that when you marry someone, you don't just marry them, you marry their family. I don't know if you are hoping this relationship is your "seat in eternity", but maybe really think about how many people's recovery you want to participate in.

Don't know if you want kids, but if you stay with this guy and kids come along, just think how that will be. Maybe read some of the posts where people are dealing with that.

In recovery, they say "play out the tape" - that's an old fashioned term for - look where this is headed and ask yourself if you think you have it in you to deal with it. Or if you even want to.

I know from my addict's 14 year on and off history that at best this is a lifelong challenge and at worst it can be a nightmare.

The suggestion in one of the posts above-- to look into your own motivations and codependency --is a good one. My addict is a problem for me in direct proportion to my own "relapses" into codependency.

Prayers you find peace and clarity.

Ileana

You didn't cause his problems, he did. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. Just a thought- did you actually verify his story? Sounds exactly like what an addict would do- place the blame on someone else. Since the case manager involved you, call him/her and ask what is going on. Just don't be too surprised if bf whole story was a load of crap.

OpheliaKatz

I wanted to highlight everything Ann said because it really resonated with me, but I just took out the bits that were really excellent -- in my opinion. I was with an alcoholic who thought he could smoke pot... until he realized he could not... and then he thought he could use something else... and then something else instead when that didn't work out.

Also... ditto what Puzzheart said.

Please do not blame yourself for his actions. He is not ready to be in recovery with his current attitude. His parents aren't helping either... but that's not your problem. If I were you, I would reconsider involvement with this family because he was raised in an environment where lying is perceived as okay.

OpheliaKatz

This too, is excellent advice!