RescueBird

Hi friends,

I posted this over in the Newcomers thread, but I think it might be more appropriate here....

I'm a brand new member here, but my relationship with an alcoholic has made me an avid (sometimes frantic) reader here for many months now. It has also helped me so much to gain perspective and to put into practice Melody Beattie's excellent advice about stopping codependent behavior.

Long story short, I have a soon-to-be ex husband (impulsive marriage after long distance romance) who is an alcoholic in recovery. He is halfway through a 28 day program, and has pretty much destroyed all his family and employment relationships with 10 years of drinking, stealing, and lying. This man knows that I and his family are out of trust and patience...he told me he really wanted to go to rehab and get clean, but admittedly, that was after I had kicked him out for secret drinking and stealing. Nonetheless, he seems to be doing well in rehab. We are on good terms, but he understands that I don't trust him enough for him to live with me or to continue our romantic relationship.

My question is regarding aftercare, when rehab ends. The rehab I helped him get into does do aftercare planning in their final week. My loved one knows he has no home to come back to, so he knows he must seek out Sober Living. He also knows he must find a job. Guys, this man is totally broke; he owns a vehicle and clothing...but that's it. How likely is it that the rehab will be able to place him in Sober Living and help him find a job? Do I need to be a part of that? Do I need to offer to help with the first month's rent in Sober Living?

I am trying very, very hard to detach from the situation, with love, and let him stand on his own two feet. I think I am slowly succeeding. But I want to make sure that if something is genuinely needed, like the first month's rent at Sober Living, I can help. What do you guys think? Thank you all so much in advance.

RB

SparkleKitty

RescueBird, I'd say let him ask for help if and when he needs it. Finding someplace to go after rehab is exactly the kind of thing he needs to be able to handle for himself if he is going to have long-term success in recovery. He needs to know you are not going to sweep in and make everything palatable for him. The only way he will learn that is if you do not do it. No exceptions.

RescueBird

Thanks, SparkleKitty. I so appreciate the advice and I will follow it.

It is so hard to not try to rescue him, especially so because he is an excellent manipulator. It's hard to watch a loved one struggle, but I understand it's his only chance at healing.

RB

SparkleKitty

It helped me tremendously to think of my own behavior NOT as rescuing but for what it really is: enabling someone to stay rooted in addiction and addiction behavior, and failing to allow someone else the dignity of dealing with the consequences of their own choices.

London393

Hi RB - if you're asking about the formalities of getting into SL and how that's done? I wasn't part of any of it, but when my ABF went from rehab to a sober house he was able to take care of it all himself while inside rehab. From what he told me there were meetings, a bunch of paperwork, interviews, and then he was accepted and Medicaid is able to take care of his stay while in the sober house. He said eventually after some time they'll allow him to work.

Hope that answers some of your question?

RescueBird

London--yes, thank you! The logistics were a big part I was wondering about. I am relieved to hear that your boyfriend was able to handle things and that they took into account the work/job element as well as the Medicaid option.

Even though we've only been married a very short time, my loved one is on my insurance and will be until the divorce is final, so hopefully they can work with that. Hopefully he is being HONEST and telling them that--though truly, I realize I have to leave him alone to be an adult and make his own choices on that front.

Thank you so much for the information.

London393

I'm not really sure to what extent SL gets involved with the job seeking? My contact with my ABF (actually XBF now, we're on the outs and I'm leaving it be) was very limited when he first went in so again I only know bits and pieces from what he's told me. When he talked about working again, he mentioned he was more just talking to people he's met their in the sober community, just chatting with people about finding work. I don't know but I got the feeling from mine that he's just going to have to hustle to find work just like anyone else might in any other circumstance.

RescueBird

I gotcha. I am still glad in hearing that in your ex's case, and hopefully this one that they won't expect him necessarily to have something lined up/money to pay rent right away. Hopefully some sort of grace period will be arranged, etc. or at least it isn't unheard of in the transition to Sober Living.

Like so many alcoholics, he has blown through his last dime and really is out of options. I definitely expect him to have to hustle like the rest of us...and more so, given the circumstances (he has some felonies and quite a bit of time since his last gig). Again, thank you so much for sharing.