Where to begin....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 26
Where to begin....
Where to begin....
Married for twenty-three years and have three kids.Two are adults and one is still at home. Also, we have 3 grandchildren. Husband has struggled with drug addiction on and off all the time we have been married.Lost three jobs due to this but would never seek any help because he could do it his self. He is addicted to methamphetamine. Last year in June he up and left me and has taken up a relationship with female who is very well known for her addiction and what she will do to achieve it. Most of the men she has lived with either wind up in prison or rehab. I have finally filed for divorce after trying to get him to get help and offering to get counseling for our marriage.He refused and said he is in love and she is his best friend.He has more less cut off contact with all his family. How does a person help him and is this typical for meth addiction, that you are willing to throw everything away and act as if nobody exist? When he thinks that I am moving on he starts to get angry and tells me that he doesn't want it to end. I guess I am suppose to sit back and let him walk all over me and be there to pick up the pieces. We have a 6 month old grandson he has never seen or even acted interested. Any advice and support is appreciated. I just do not understand.
Married for twenty-three years and have three kids.Two are adults and one is still at home. Also, we have 3 grandchildren. Husband has struggled with drug addiction on and off all the time we have been married.Lost three jobs due to this but would never seek any help because he could do it his self. He is addicted to methamphetamine. Last year in June he up and left me and has taken up a relationship with female who is very well known for her addiction and what she will do to achieve it. Most of the men she has lived with either wind up in prison or rehab. I have finally filed for divorce after trying to get him to get help and offering to get counseling for our marriage.He refused and said he is in love and she is his best friend.He has more less cut off contact with all his family. How does a person help him and is this typical for meth addiction, that you are willing to throw everything away and act as if nobody exist? When he thinks that I am moving on he starts to get angry and tells me that he doesn't want it to end. I guess I am suppose to sit back and let him walk all over me and be there to pick up the pieces. We have a 6 month old grandson he has never seen or even acted interested. Any advice and support is appreciated. I just do not understand.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Absolutely typical. Textbook methamphetamine addict behavior. You are better off without him. See my post below on how children absorb methamphetamine residue. By staying with him you risk losing them. He's done you a favor. Let him go ahead and live that lifestyle. You choose happiness instead.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
My "addict" - my niece, was hooked on Meth.
After 14 years (and counting), I learned a few things...
When someone is addicted, especially to the harder drugs like Meth - you are not having a relationship with a person, you are having a relationship with the addiction.
The addiction only wants to keep on being fed.
The only person who can stop feeding the addiction is the addict. And this only occurs when they have no alternative - and even then, some choose death.
Addicts are amazingly manipulative. Maybe count how many times he tells you what you want to hear when in fact his behavior says something else. And, how many times you fall for it. Do this gently and without judging yourself, it simply reveals the "hook" he has in you.
Keep asking yourself - have I had enough yet? When you have, you will know what to do.
Prayers that you gain the clarity you need to make the best decisions for you and your kids.
After 14 years (and counting), I learned a few things...
When someone is addicted, especially to the harder drugs like Meth - you are not having a relationship with a person, you are having a relationship with the addiction.
The addiction only wants to keep on being fed.
The only person who can stop feeding the addiction is the addict. And this only occurs when they have no alternative - and even then, some choose death.
Addicts are amazingly manipulative. Maybe count how many times he tells you what you want to hear when in fact his behavior says something else. And, how many times you fall for it. Do this gently and without judging yourself, it simply reveals the "hook" he has in you.
Keep asking yourself - have I had enough yet? When you have, you will know what to do.
Prayers that you gain the clarity you need to make the best decisions for you and your kids.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Hi Kan, sorry to read about your current situation. Trying to rationalize what an active addict is thinking or their motivations is exhausting. That energy is much better utilized on your own healing and recovery from your life with an addict. Sober recovery has a lot of good "stickies" on the top of each forum relating to addiction and our recovery, I gently suggest you read through them.
Do you have an action plan in place for you along with filing for the divorce? I know for me, face to face support from NarAnon and Alanon along with the wisdom of SR was instrumental in my own path. I know there are also other programs out there for those of us whose lives have been affected by another's addictions like celebrate recovery.
GM
Do you have an action plan in place for you along with filing for the divorce? I know for me, face to face support from NarAnon and Alanon along with the wisdom of SR was instrumental in my own path. I know there are also other programs out there for those of us whose lives have been affected by another's addictions like celebrate recovery.
GM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 26
GM, I have a job and a separate bank account since he left. I just plan on working and taking care of my sixteen year old son. I wish that we had NarAnon or Alanon in my town but sadly the closet ones are 50 miles away.I am very happy about finding this group and the support here. I will definitely read the stickies . Thank you for your support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 37
Hi Kan,
Unfortunately yes this sounds like typical Meth addiction. It will take them so far down you can't even believe it is the person you loved. My ex used meth as well and the things he would do and the attitude he had was horrifying.
I had to leave our home because I was so uncomfortable with him and the people he would have around. I spent the entire time we were separated trying to save him - get him into rehab - etc. when I should have been focusing on me and working on my issues and why I was so caught up in his addiction.
He definitely had hooks in me to keep me hanging around while he did awful things and found himself in worse and worse trouble. I couldn't fully let go and he knew I would always be there to turn to. Don't be that person - walk away - you have an opportunity to start moving on with your life. If I could go back and do any of it different - I would have left long before and started to heal and move on. I only wasted additional years waiting on things to get better.
I feel for you, it is so painful, but you will get through it and eventually start to feel better. It is not easy, but I think it is worth it.
Unfortunately yes this sounds like typical Meth addiction. It will take them so far down you can't even believe it is the person you loved. My ex used meth as well and the things he would do and the attitude he had was horrifying.
I had to leave our home because I was so uncomfortable with him and the people he would have around. I spent the entire time we were separated trying to save him - get him into rehab - etc. when I should have been focusing on me and working on my issues and why I was so caught up in his addiction.
He definitely had hooks in me to keep me hanging around while he did awful things and found himself in worse and worse trouble. I couldn't fully let go and he knew I would always be there to turn to. Don't be that person - walk away - you have an opportunity to start moving on with your life. If I could go back and do any of it different - I would have left long before and started to heal and move on. I only wasted additional years waiting on things to get better.
I feel for you, it is so painful, but you will get through it and eventually start to feel better. It is not easy, but I think it is worth it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 26
LostinLB, your situation sounds so much like mine. The last nine months he has been living with his girlfriend after he left,I have been hanging on to broken promises and the crumbs he would throw my way. I am guilty of trying to save him and get him help. Slowly I am realizing to let go and realize that he has to be the one that wants help. It is so very painful to look at the one you loved and see them slowly killing their self. Thank you for your wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Kan, you deserve so much more than broken promises and crumbs. The pain of seeing someone you care about consumed in their addiction is difficult. It took me a long time to arrive at your realization that they have to be the one that wants help. Great breakthrough for you! I would try hard not to focus on my xah girlfriends (who/what/where) because that was not healthy for me or my recovery. They say on these forums that the addicts replace, the best thing we can do for ourselves is recover. I am glad you have separated your funds and have an income. That was the hardest part for me, separating my identity from "our" identity. Financially, physically, emotionally.
I have heard of virtual meetings and phone meetings for al-anon. I am not sure if naranon has them or not. I also found the books "why does he do that" and "co-dependent no more" instrumental in feeling better. Here is the link for al-anon.
http://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/virtual-meetings/
GM
I have heard of virtual meetings and phone meetings for al-anon. I am not sure if naranon has them or not. I also found the books "why does he do that" and "co-dependent no more" instrumental in feeling better. Here is the link for al-anon.
http://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/virtual-meetings/
GM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 26
Thank you, GM0824. I will definitely check the al-anon virtual meetings out. I will also purchase the books. I need all the help I can get in understanding. Oh, yes the trying to take the focus off of H's girlfriend sometimes really bothers me because I do not understand how "this can be the one" or "she really loves me" I am trying to stay focused on me and my boys and grandkids but sometimes the thought of how can he do this enters my mind. Thank you for your encouragement and advice. I appreciate you .
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
She is getting the same man you had. If she is unhealthy she will wind up with the same broken promises and crumbs that you left behind. I understand where you are coming from, I think it is in my nature to wonder the "why's" also. The answer is a simple one: because he is sick. The end. You have been (as I was) sick for a long time also, time to start feeling better and it sounds like you are doing a lot of things for yourself in order to do so ... which is amazing! It takes time, we didn't get here overnight. Be easy on yourself. Like they say, progress not perfection.
GM
GM
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