johnnie360

My relationship with my addict ex is over. What I am left with is deep pain, and the ever present issues that were here before her arrival that I like always neglected.

I have honestly lacked confidence, and been miserable for the most part as long as I can remember. I am finally in desperate need to recover from life.

I have for so long wanted to die, but not kill myself.

I have been covering up alot of things that this relationship has brought to the surface. The first ever I have been feeling these things instead of stuffing them down with sex, drug abuse, running away, and enetering into hollow relationships.

I have a hope this time. That I am finally going to get the healing I need, love myself, and begin to live a full, healthy, enriching life.

Its all I got. Ive decided to focus 90 solid days on nothing but my physical, mental, and spirtual well being. Just do what I needed to do. To avoid another relationship.

90 days because I want a new life. Because 90 days should bring some sort of hope. Some peace. So kind of goal.

I honestly cant go another 30 years like this, I would rather die. I have agreed with myself to try some things and see if it gets any better then decide if I still want to end.

I guess it seems like I am being overly sensitive and irrational. But if you knew how many things in life I have tried to fix it, then you would understand I mean it when I say this feels like my last hope.

I want to attend a group every evening. Celebrate recovery on fridays. In the daytime I am going to hit the gym, exercise, get to a doctor, get some mental health treatment, and work towards getting back in school to finish what I started.

My question is... Will Alanon help even though The relationship is already over and done and sealed now?

ScaryTime

Yes! Al Anon has helped me meet the most beautiful souls! And I am finally coming out of my shell to meet the r al me again-after 18 years of stuffing my feelings and hurt and anger. So, yes I believe it will still help.

Clover71

I'm sorry for your pain. I would say try alanon and see if it's for you. Counseling can never hurt too

Just because the relationship is done doesn't mean that you don't still need to heal - it may also help in not choosing the same kind of partner again.

johnnie360

No. No matter what I need help. Ive needed it for a long long time. I just chose to do other things. This relationship was a mere 2.5 years in my 38 on this earth. This is just what finally got me here completely broken. I have to get help because its not just the relationship and broken dreams and such, its life in general. My problems are independant of her addiction. I just am at the point where If I dont get better I dont want to go on another 30 years.

I have to get mental health treatment. I need support groups. I hope that Alanon will be a key in life changing.

johnnie360

Thank you. I am going for it. I am going to also do celebrate recovery, but in another town. Its hard facing the addicts here in my town which is tiny. It makes me think of her.

Givenup2018

The relationship may be over but the damage done is still there. You need to heal from the pain your exAddict inflicted you so that you can grow and become complete for yourself and for the next relationship you enter into. I'd say YES! al anon will help you.

LostinLB

I agree with what others have posted, yes give it a shot. If you are really ready to take a good hard look at yourself Al-Anon will probably be a great help to you.
I still attend even though I do not have any alcoholics or addicts in my life right now and while I don't relate as much to the people still living with active addiction I still get so much from the meetings and everyones shares every single time I go - even when I don't want to be there - I always walk out feeling better.

If you are looking for other types of meetings you might see if there are any CODA meetings in your area. There are definitely far less meetings in most cities, but it might be a good option as well if there is one you can go to.

I think having been in any kind of relationship with an addict you will find a lot of love and understanding in Al-Anon and it could be very healing. It was for me.

Good luck!

aliciagr

I don't think it would hurt to try alanon. One thing it might help with is reconciling some of the things that happened in the relationship. seeing how many others at the meeting have experienced the same types of issues due to the common symptoms of addiction.

When I was going to Alanon one thing that concerned me was many of the people there had long since been removed from their relationship with the alcoholic. But they seemed to continue to identify as the being the significant other/wife of the addict. There didn't seem to be true healing and a moving on. I get it when there are kids involved and you have ongoing stressful interactions.. but my own warning would be don't fall into the trap of letting this relationship be your identity. Like one of the other posters mentioned, I would also look into the Codependents Meetings because that in my opinion allows for more focus on self and less focus on alcoholism, addicts, and the one trap codies often fall into of needing to rescue other family members from the alcoholic in their life. Learn about yourself, work on yourself, and don't let this relationship define you for life. Time is precious

NYCDoglvr

Alanon was especially helpful for me in not picking an addict again. I learned responsibility: I picked him and stayed far too long.

velma929

I once heard someone call this "making a cottage industry out of being a victim." I think peer-to-peer help for some issues is fine. I wouldn't consider it one-stop shopping for all the things that have troubled one for years. At some point professional help is more appropriate.

LifeRecovery

I was only in Al-Anon four months, when the relationship that got me there ended. Al-Anon is for you, your healing etc. Just like on this board, in the meetings I try to keep the focus on me.

My intimate relationship that got me there was not the only relationship that was impacted by alcohol and Al-Anon helped me to see that. I am fortunate that I did not grow up in an addicted family, but I did grow up in an untreated codependent family. My "dis-ease," I believe is what helped me to pick a problem drinker in the first place. I am so fortunate that I took ALL of the opportunities I did for healing. My recovery is the BEST gift I have ever given myself.

I have found that Al-Anon in addition to other support has helped me to heal from all of my -isms.

Clover71

I can relate to this. I stopped going at some point when I was young because it seemed like the same stuff over and over again from the same people - almost like it was an addiction to some. I didn't know then about individual therapy then

johnnie360

This was my own internal thoughts.

I decided to try a meeting but didnt make it out of the car. I saw the two people at the meeting and decided that I wish to pursue effective therapy instead. What that looks like I am not sure yet. I have been exploring different options. I have chosen to pursue the step study through celebrate recovery when it opens though.

The problem with CR is in the meetings everyone has different issues. When I see an addict who is clean it hurts me. When I listen to an addict talk.... it hurts me. I just either way think of her.

I am in no shape or form EVER worried about being with another addict. I can spot them a million miles away now and would rather focus on my issues, and work hard on my confidence to be able to attract the type of woman I want. So my main focus is on myself. Mind body and spirit. I feel like becoming what I want to attract for once. Being able to be confident in a relationship. I am not so much worried about ending up in another addict cycle. I would rather put it behind be as best as possible and use the lesson as the means for change. Finally.

I dont think alanon is for me. I think therapy, good life choices, self love, and self care are my ticket.

Bekindalways

^^^^ So very good to hear this from you J.

You might give Alanon a shot at some time but in the interest of full disclosure, I should say, I never did the Alanon route.

I'm so impressed with your stated undertaking. Keep taking the next right step whatever it may be and no matter how tiny.

Please keep posting here so we all have a chance to give you whatever type of ovation we can.

May every angel in the universe dive bomb you wonderful man!

Bernadette

Kudos for just getting on the path, for recognizing that your own mental health needs some TLC! Wherever it takes you and whichever guides you need, which may vary as you travel (AlAnon, individual therapy, books and workbooks, lectures, retreats, etc). I know I needed all those different helping hands at different times and all have been building blocks to a much much much better life!

Just keep trying, keep reaching out, have a plan, even just for today!
Peace,
B.