First post, looking for advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
First post, looking for advice
Hi all. I’m new to this site. This is my first post. I guess I should explain a little about myself by way of introduction.
I’m 30 and live in the UK. My main problem is with alcohol, though I have had periods of using street drugs such as cocaine. I began drinking in my teens, and by around 18 I thought I had found the answer to my problems - I was always a quiet, anxious, socially awkward kid who got bullied and always felt different/inferior to other kids. I loved alcohol straight away. It made me relax and stop overthinking in social situations, and I was able to have fun and be silly and be NORMAL. I started drinking at home in the evenings, alone, at about 18. It just gave me a buzz, an interest and excitement about life which I couldn’t seem to feel any other way (depression runs in my family and I’ve been treated for it on and off since I was 16).
To summarise the years leading up to today, I’ve been a pretty much daily drinker, alone at home, ocassionally going out and drinking socially (before sneakily buying more alcohol to carry on drinking alone at home). When I worked I’d buy a bottle or two of wine to drink in the evenings. When I was a university student I’d often spend days just drinking by myself in my room. I’m currently not working and living rent-free with my parents after a relationship breakup, and recently I’ve been spending my days just getting drunk, often starting in the morning. I’m broke and unemployed, but I can’t seem to care about it as much as I care about getting drunk.
I probably drink about 12 bottles of wine a week. Maybe a little more. It’s usually a couple of bottles a day. When I drink I kind of go into a fantasy world, listening to my music and just generally disappearing from my actual life (I don’t have many friends, I guess partly because I’m naturally socially anxious and introverted, but I suppose also because my main interest has been drinking and not other people).
I’ve recognised throughout my twenties that I have a problem. Various people have expressed concern, including my parents and siblings. It’s caused friction in three long term romantic relationships and probably contributed to each one ending. It’s like drinking is my life. I put it first. I am not interested in anything as much as I am just chilling on my own and getting wasted. I’ve had some awful hangovers over the years, some blackouts, waking up with horror and burning shame about my erratic behaviour the day/night before, wondering how I got all these bruises, and who I’ve messaged or called and made an idiot out of myself to etc. Horrendous feelings which ultimately never stopped me from doing it all over again.
I’ve tried a number of times to get sober. I’ve been to a couple of drug and alcohol charities but only lasted a week or so. I tried for months to psyche myself up to go to an AA meeting but I couldn’t find the courage. I guess in a way I feel like drinking is my entire life. I’m scared about what that leaves if/when it’s gone. I’m scared about feeling bored and flat and anxious without my wine.
Anyway, I have to do something. Despite my seeming love affair with drink and my devotion of my twenties to it, I’m miserable. I’m lonely, ashamed and feel like a total failure at life. I should not be unemployed and living with my parents, sneaking around so they don’t realise how much I drink (although deep down I’m sure they know). I’m drinking the days away with little drive to change things, imagining a great life for myself whilst doing absolutely nothing to put any of my plans or dreams into action because I love alcohol too much. My body hurts and I’m terrified to think what damage has been caused. I just don’t know where to begin with recovery. I feel like this ‘lifestyle’ is so ingrained in me that it’ll be like rebuilding my entire personality and facing the world without my defence.
I guess I’ve written enough for now. I would be so grateful if anyone could give me a clue as to the next steps, or just any kind of assurance that this can actually be done. Thank you for reading!
I’m 30 and live in the UK. My main problem is with alcohol, though I have had periods of using street drugs such as cocaine. I began drinking in my teens, and by around 18 I thought I had found the answer to my problems - I was always a quiet, anxious, socially awkward kid who got bullied and always felt different/inferior to other kids. I loved alcohol straight away. It made me relax and stop overthinking in social situations, and I was able to have fun and be silly and be NORMAL. I started drinking at home in the evenings, alone, at about 18. It just gave me a buzz, an interest and excitement about life which I couldn’t seem to feel any other way (depression runs in my family and I’ve been treated for it on and off since I was 16).
To summarise the years leading up to today, I’ve been a pretty much daily drinker, alone at home, ocassionally going out and drinking socially (before sneakily buying more alcohol to carry on drinking alone at home). When I worked I’d buy a bottle or two of wine to drink in the evenings. When I was a university student I’d often spend days just drinking by myself in my room. I’m currently not working and living rent-free with my parents after a relationship breakup, and recently I’ve been spending my days just getting drunk, often starting in the morning. I’m broke and unemployed, but I can’t seem to care about it as much as I care about getting drunk.
I probably drink about 12 bottles of wine a week. Maybe a little more. It’s usually a couple of bottles a day. When I drink I kind of go into a fantasy world, listening to my music and just generally disappearing from my actual life (I don’t have many friends, I guess partly because I’m naturally socially anxious and introverted, but I suppose also because my main interest has been drinking and not other people).
I’ve recognised throughout my twenties that I have a problem. Various people have expressed concern, including my parents and siblings. It’s caused friction in three long term romantic relationships and probably contributed to each one ending. It’s like drinking is my life. I put it first. I am not interested in anything as much as I am just chilling on my own and getting wasted. I’ve had some awful hangovers over the years, some blackouts, waking up with horror and burning shame about my erratic behaviour the day/night before, wondering how I got all these bruises, and who I’ve messaged or called and made an idiot out of myself to etc. Horrendous feelings which ultimately never stopped me from doing it all over again.
I’ve tried a number of times to get sober. I’ve been to a couple of drug and alcohol charities but only lasted a week or so. I tried for months to psyche myself up to go to an AA meeting but I couldn’t find the courage. I guess in a way I feel like drinking is my entire life. I’m scared about what that leaves if/when it’s gone. I’m scared about feeling bored and flat and anxious without my wine.
Anyway, I have to do something. Despite my seeming love affair with drink and my devotion of my twenties to it, I’m miserable. I’m lonely, ashamed and feel like a total failure at life. I should not be unemployed and living with my parents, sneaking around so they don’t realise how much I drink (although deep down I’m sure they know). I’m drinking the days away with little drive to change things, imagining a great life for myself whilst doing absolutely nothing to put any of my plans or dreams into action because I love alcohol too much. My body hurts and I’m terrified to think what damage has been caused. I just don’t know where to begin with recovery. I feel like this ‘lifestyle’ is so ingrained in me that it’ll be like rebuilding my entire personality and facing the world without my defence.
I guess I’ve written enough for now. I would be so grateful if anyone could give me a clue as to the next steps, or just any kind of assurance that this can actually be done. Thank you for reading!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
Welcome Polished
You have found a great community of people who have either successfully given up alcohol and enjoy a productive and sober life or are fighting to give up alcohol and continue to keep trying. All understand what you are going through.
There are lots of ways to go about quitting and you will find info on them all here at SR. The first thing to do is ask yourself do you associate with the following statement? It's from AA but it is a great starting point. I don't use AA myself but many others here do.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
Stick around, read a lot, keep posting.
You have found a great community of people who have either successfully given up alcohol and enjoy a productive and sober life or are fighting to give up alcohol and continue to keep trying. All understand what you are going through.
There are lots of ways to go about quitting and you will find info on them all here at SR. The first thing to do is ask yourself do you associate with the following statement? It's from AA but it is a great starting point. I don't use AA myself but many others here do.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
Stick around, read a lot, keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,408
Hey. Millions have been exactly where you are now: can’t live with or without alcohol. They have recovered and live wonderful lives as sober recovered alcoholics. I strongly suggest AA as it is full of people like yourself who have recovered. By recovered I refer to the AA definition: drinking problem removed and living a happy, productive, mindful life where alcohol is simply an irrelevance.
I was where you were 9 years ago and myself have recovered. I will always be an alcoholic but as long as I work my recovery on a daily basis I am grateful for that.
My advice: commit to recovery 100% and prioritise it as your most important thing in life. Accept yourself as an alcoholic and so will never be able to drink alcohol with any control and keep an open-mind about what you think you know about yourself. Be brutally honest with yourself and willing to do what’s necessary to stay sober just for today.
This is based on my experience and I recognise my own behaviours regarding drinking and I’m an alcoholic. However only you can accept yourself as an alcoholic. For me that knowledge about myself was and remains fundamental to my sobriety.
I was where you were 9 years ago and myself have recovered. I will always be an alcoholic but as long as I work my recovery on a daily basis I am grateful for that.
My advice: commit to recovery 100% and prioritise it as your most important thing in life. Accept yourself as an alcoholic and so will never be able to drink alcohol with any control and keep an open-mind about what you think you know about yourself. Be brutally honest with yourself and willing to do what’s necessary to stay sober just for today.
This is based on my experience and I recognise my own behaviours regarding drinking and I’m an alcoholic. However only you can accept yourself as an alcoholic. For me that knowledge about myself was and remains fundamental to my sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Welcome, Polished! I'm really glad you're here, and can definitely relate to your story. In the end, being drunk and trying to constantly act sober was completely exhausting for me...the most socially awkward thing imaginable. You are among friends who are fighting the exact same battle as you. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
"I guess in a way I feel like drinking is my entire life. I’m scared about what that leaves if/when it’s gone. I’m scared about feeling bored and flat and anxious without my wine".
This is exactly how I felt. EXACTLY. I remember when I did get to my first AA meeting, getting some hope, but still being so fearful about what I would do, or who I would be once the drinking stopped.
Well. Today I will have been 4 years sober.
In 4 years I have learned that...
... my feelings can NOT kill me (although there were times I realky thought they might, esp in the early days when they were all a bit new to me).
... I am much more than the worst thing I ever did
... I am loved.
.... I am capable of selfless love
.... like a slither of soap in a bathtub, we're more likely to get hold of happiness when we stop trying to snatch for it.
... fellowship is actually very important to me, esp in the rooms of AA where I have found people who think and feel just like me, and could teach me how to LIVE sober (not just 'get' sober, or 'stay' sober).
I am yet to meet an alcoholic who likes themselves less in recovery than they did while drinking. That shame and self-loathing puts us in a painful place. You don't need to put yourself through that any more. Not it you don't want to.
When we live with integrity we get peace, and we get joy. Takes a little while and a bit of work to get there, but there are lots of people waiting to give you a hand and set you in the right direction.
BB
This is exactly how I felt. EXACTLY. I remember when I did get to my first AA meeting, getting some hope, but still being so fearful about what I would do, or who I would be once the drinking stopped.
Well. Today I will have been 4 years sober.
In 4 years I have learned that...
... my feelings can NOT kill me (although there were times I realky thought they might, esp in the early days when they were all a bit new to me).
... I am much more than the worst thing I ever did
... I am loved.
.... I am capable of selfless love
.... like a slither of soap in a bathtub, we're more likely to get hold of happiness when we stop trying to snatch for it.
... fellowship is actually very important to me, esp in the rooms of AA where I have found people who think and feel just like me, and could teach me how to LIVE sober (not just 'get' sober, or 'stay' sober).
I am yet to meet an alcoholic who likes themselves less in recovery than they did while drinking. That shame and self-loathing puts us in a painful place. You don't need to put yourself through that any more. Not it you don't want to.
When we live with integrity we get peace, and we get joy. Takes a little while and a bit of work to get there, but there are lots of people waiting to give you a hand and set you in the right direction.
BB
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Hello I'm heading into my third sober month and loving life. Amazing how much more i enjoy it now and how much i do instead of wasting days and days nursing a hangover or yet another bottle of wine. I could easily polish off two bottles per evening, every evening. Would not dream of getting one from the supermarket and if i only had one left in the house i would have to go and buy more because i knew when i popped open the first bottle I would soon be heavily into number 2...and thats the key for me..i wont ever drink again because i dont have a dial i can set to have one or two glasses of wine. I have a switch..and if i flick it to "on" there really is no turning it off. I find russell brand is very much of the same mindset. Love him or hate him he is honest about his addiction. So dont have a drink. One hour. One day. One week at a time. And when the alcoholic voice whispers "just one or maybe at Christmas, your not as bad as you thought you were blah blah blah" you have to ignore it, go and do something else, log on here, go in the bath...anything other than listen to the AV. Its worth it. Xx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
So glad you decided to give it a go! You may want to start posting in the March 2018 thread, full of people who are in the same stage of recovery as you: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-two-7.html
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
There's also the 24 hour recovery connections thread in Daily Support. Post there once a day to reaffirm your commitment to sobriety.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-364-a.html (24Hour Recovery Connections Part 364)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-364-a.html (24Hour Recovery Connections Part 364)
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by Polished 
. I tried for months to psyche myself up to go to an AA meeting but I couldn’t find the courage. !
I called AA and arranged to meet with a recovered alcoholic (12 stepper) one on one, on a Sunday afternoon. I gathered a lot of useful information. A major point was that the AA program is NOT the meetings. Just going to meetings does not fix alcoholics of my type.
That was the other thing, we talked about his drinking, my drinking, shared some of our experiences and we worked out I was indeed an alcoholic of a type that could benefit from AA. He also told me about what the meetings are, how they work, and he outlined the program of action - i.e. the steps which are normally worked with a sponsor away from the meetings.
He was very reassuring, dealing with nearly all my fears and misconceptions. At the end of it all I knew I had found at least one friend who understood me. That night he took me to my first meeting, and he continued to look after me over the next few weeks until I found a soponsor and got on the path to recovery.
Above all, he saved me from the well meaning clown who told me I didn't have to do anything except come to meetings, and everything will be alright.
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