Ollie91

I've tried a couple of al anon meetings. Got rejected once they found out that I'm a lesbian. So much for being accepting and open.
Sorry if I sound angry or anything, but it sucks.

On a different note, I tried to talk to my alcoholic about her treating me like crap, throwing me out the house to get booze, telling me I'm worthless and so on. So I said it has to stop. That didn't go well. I told her I couldn't cope anymore I'm contemplating suicide, she said stop being selfish. Now she's saying if I leave her or do anything she will cut herself, which she has now done

I don't know what to do. I know this is my crap to dig out of.
Sorry for the rant

AnvilheadII

i'm sorry, but you were REJECTED from a meeting? you were told you could NOT attend?

Maudcat

Wow, yikes.
I have never heard of such a thing.
Very sorry.

trailmix

Wow! How on earth did that happen?

As for the situation at home. Honestly it sounds like you need to distance yourself. Is there any where you can go, even for a week or two to get a break and maybe get some clarity? Friends, family?

Ollie91

At one meeting a guy said we don't want lesbos here. So I tried another was at a church an older couple said this is a house of god, you know your a sinner. I just thought I'm a sinner for loving someone that makes sense.

I'm trying to go somewhere but I'm terrified of her cutting getting worse

trailmix

That's terrible!

You are not responsible for your gf cutting herself. Sounds like a hostage situation rather than any type of relationship.

She's not looking out for you, you are going to have to look out for yourself.

Ollie91

Thanks for the replies. We've been together for 9 years now I love her more than anything. I know from an outside point of view that sounds insane.
All our friends and family keep saying that I need to look after her. Some even blame me for her behaviour. Most of them have addiction issues. I'm learning as much as I can. I know I need to get out of all this I just don't know how I have no money and nowhere to go.

LifeRecovery

Ollie-

I am so sorry that you experienced that. Frankly those meetings in my opinion are not in the spirit of Al-Anon.

What about online meetings? Would that feel a little safer right now?

SoManyQuestions

Ollie, did you say you are contemplating suicide? That is more serious than your girlfriend cutting herself (IMO). Please seek some counseling for call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255.

I am very sorry for the pain you're experiencing, but please take care of yourself first.

Wamama48

Please call the helpline. Please.

honeypig

Ollie, in my area there are a handful of meetings that specifically state they are for LGBT folk. If you live in or near a larger metropolitan area, I'd be willing to bet you have that option near you too. If you're in a rural area, then yes, trying online options might be best.

Seren

Hello Ollie,

I am sorry for what brings you here. But this bears repeating. Please, do, take care of yourself. There is a reason why airlines state to place the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others, right? You can't do anyone any good unless and until you care for yourself properly first.

Ollie91

Thank you all for the replies.
I love her so much but I know I need to leave before things get worse. I'm worried that if I leave how do I live with the guilt, I'm at the end of my rope.

Eauchiche

Dear Ollie
I was in an alcoholic same-sex relationship for 14 years. I TOTALLY GET what you're going through.
I am truly sorry about the meetings you have experienced. Talk about kicking someone when they're down!!!
I get what you say about loving your mate. As one of my friends here often says, "we all love our addicts." In spite of this, it is quite obvious that this relationship is not good for you or her. I believe you can have two good people who are toxic to each other in a relationship.
Make a decision to get well, even if that means leaving her, and God will provide.
By the way, my God is different from the people in those meetings. UGH!!!!

trailmix

The guilt is uncomfortable. You are going to get through that (it would be good to get help, a friendly Al-Anon meeting, counselling, Smart Recovery, grief support groups, depression support groups).

Most groups are free to attend and a google search will hopefully bring up some in your area. When you are down it's not always easy to reach out but remember that this will make you feel better and force yourself to go if need be.

With suicidal thoughts, your GP would be a very good first visit. They can help you, perhaps with group suggestions, medications or referrals.

You need help, please take those first steps. No need to run off right away if that's not something you feel you can do but if you reach out for help you can turn this around and get a firmer footing and ultimately feel better.

As many have said, marriage (and in this case a romantic relationship) is not a suicide pact.

It seems a long way off right now (it's not really) but you can be happy and deserve to be.

Sleepyhollo

I’m sorry you are going through this and also the bad experience at Alanon.
As far as the above, she does not feel at all guilty about what her drinking is doing to you. You should not feel guilty for wanting to get out and take care of you so YOU can be happy. I know that is easier said than done, we’ve all been there and know all too well about guilt. That is the codependent in us and putting others before ourselves. That’s why you need a counselor so you can work through those feeling of guilt and realize that you deserve to be doing things for you and that you are allowed to have your own feelings (believe me that I understand how hard this is....I’m still a work in progress). She isn’t giving you anything right now from the sound of it except a lot of heartache. That’s no way to live. What she does if you leave is not on you. She is an adult with choices and she is choosing the boooze over you. Leaving her will either make her realize that she doesn’t want to lose you and seek sobriety or she will just keep doing what she is doing. That’s her choice to make, you have no contrôl over that. It is so hard to see loved ones make the choice to continue their adddiction but understand that you can’t do anything to change that. It has taken some of us many years to realize that. I wish I would’ve realized this a lot sooner. Now it hard to accept that i put up with it for so long but I can’t change that. I hope reading other experiences will give you some clarity or at least insight into the situation so that you aren’t so hard on yourself. Please seek help. A relationship shouldn’t make you want to consider suicide. There is hope for you, you also have choices and hopefully you will choose to take care of you and start thinking about how you deserve to think about yourself and do things for you. But speaking from my own experience, you will more than likely need individual therapy to help you guide through all of that. It is ok to want better for yourself. I’m not a big therapy person but I don’t know what I would’ve done without it.
You say you love her so much, but you have to love yourself first and foremost before you can really focus on loving someone else. I will honestly say that I don’t really know anymore what love really is (other than the love for my kid). I thought I really loved my husband but I now know that our relationship was pretty damn dysfunctional and probably not really love in the healthy sense. I think I loved being a caretaker and feeling needed. I’m still working on trying to figure that out and working on loving myself and putting myself first for once. It’s not easy but very necessary for me to find happiness again.....or find happiness period. Not sure that outside my kid I have been truly happy.

Bekindalways

Ugh Ollie, I'm horrified at the responses of the people at Alanon. We have had plenty of same sex couples here and as far as I know everyone has been supportive. The pain that we go through doesn't change no matter what the gender, race, religion or sexual orientation of the codependent.

I haven't read all your posts so perhaps this has already been said but give Codependent No More a try.

Sasha1972

I too am really sorry to hear about your experiences with homophobic AlAnon meetings. Totally not in the spirit of recovery - it is no different from saying that you can't attend this meeting if you're black.

It sounds like you might be living in a very conservative community - do you have much social support for being in a same-sex relationship?

I agree with what everyone else has said - you can love your partner but be unable to live with her drinking and the behavior associated with it. Choosing health for yourself doesn't mean you don't still care about her.

kayleezen

I am so sorry that happened to you, they have LGBT al anon meetings, they are listed in the directory. I don't know what area you are but here in Los Angeles they are very common.

Hugs

Bernadette

That's dreadful that anyone would say that at an AlAnon meeting, and no one else spoke up? I would have walked out. But I live in a big city - there's never been any of that bigotry in any meetings I've gone to - I hope there is a specific LGBT meeting you can find, so sorry that happened to you, seriously what is wrong with people??????

I'm worried that if I leave how do I live with the guilt, I'm at the end of my rope.

What are you guilty of? If in this world it was possible for you to fix another person's problems and instead you cruelly withheld that power and left them stranded in a situation that you could have fixed then yes you should feel very, very guilty.

But - and none of us would be here if this wasn't true: you did not Cause her problems, you cannot Control her problems, and you cannot Cure her problems. Period. Can't be done. Impossible.

In freeing myself from those kinds of feelings I had to do a lot of work on myself and facing my own problems with as much interest, vigor, and guilt that I was bringing to the A's problems. Something that helped me finally get my claws out of their issues was the idea that I was robbing my A loved ones of the dignity of their own choices and their own lives. I was, in fact, muddying the waters for them, making it worse, not helping, I was creating another distraction for them to not face their reality. Just like for me they were distracting me from facing the reality of my own problems. And don't I have enough in this life fixing myself? I have my own dreams, health, goals, issues etc. Constantly obsessing about my A loved ones was my drug, it kept me from facing myself in all my warts and reality. Yet, as soon as I let go of their dramas and started facing my own, my whole life got better because I CAN change my life, it's the only life I can change. Not easy but worth it.

Sending you a shot of courage and (((hugs))).
Peace,
B