Question About AA
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Question About AA
So I am choosing to use the AA method to try and stay sober. I don’t want to get into a debate with my sponsor, and so I thought I would ask my question here. My sponsor seems to think that the AA way and meetings and the steps are the only way to get and stay sober. But I want to tell her that there seem to be people here online who have been sober for a long period without using the AA method. So how could someone explain how an alcoholic is able to stay sober and be happy without using AA?
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I learned quick in AA that sponsors(no offense to sponsors) are just individual people as well. They have their experience,opinions,ect.. Some people get, and I hate to say it, 'religious' about AA(whatever works though). There's also nothing wrong with changing sponsors. It's your recovery. Do what works for you. I use multiple recovery tools,myself.
Edit: That's where the "take what you want and leave the rest." Comes in for me at the meetings I go to.
Edit: That's where the "take what you want and leave the rest." Comes in for me at the meetings I go to.
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Hi Freedom
There are other ways to get sober of course, but I'm not sure how thinking about that helps you get sober in AA, y'know?
I think if you feel AA is for you then it really shouldn't matter how other people got sober, or what your sponsor thinks of those people, or any methods outside AA,
He's there to sponsor you through the steps, so I'd just do that
D
There are other ways to get sober of course, but I'm not sure how thinking about that helps you get sober in AA, y'know?
I think if you feel AA is for you then it really shouldn't matter how other people got sober, or what your sponsor thinks of those people, or any methods outside AA,
He's there to sponsor you through the steps, so I'd just do that
D
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This got brought up because she was amazed that I have stayed sober for 6 days without one meeting. But people who don’t use AA can obviously understand how I have done this with different tools. It does not bother me that she is a spiritual person, as I think that is great. I told her that it is important that we work the steps together which she agrees, but she has also told me that she does require her sponsees to attend a few meetings each week. So she does have a requirement for her to be my sponsor in addition to just working the steps with me. Fortunately, I have no issue in attending a few meetings each week, or else that could have been a problem between us. But so far overall I enjoy checking in with her each day and enjoy our recovery conversations.
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Originally Posted by FreedomCA 
I want to tell her that there seem to be people here online who have been sober for a long period without using the AA method.
If you want the kind of recovery she has, she can guide you through the steps so you can get it. If you don't want what she has, and actually would prefer to do things a different way then she won't be able to. While I was still hankering after a easier and softer way (namely one the didn't involve certain steps that I was getting fearful and resentful about before I was even due to start working on them) I did not have the willingness to work with ANY sponsor. I was unteachable.
Why are you so desperate to show this woman a thing or two? Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said now? Does it need to be said by you? If the answer to any of those questions is 'no' then you'd probably to well to accept that you asked her to guide you through the steps. Effectively for HER to teach YOU. Maybe just let her get on with it.
What step are you on?
BB
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Originally Posted by FreedomCA
This got brought up because she was amazed that I have stayed sober for 6 days without one meeting. But people who don’t use AA can obviously understand how I have done this with different tools. It does not bother me that she is a spiritual person, as I think that is great. I told her that it is important that we work the steps together which she agrees, but she has also told me that she does require her sponsees to attend a few meetings each week. So she does have a requirement for her to be my sponsor in addition to just working the steps with me. Fortunately, I have no issue in attending a few meetings each week, or else that could have been a problem between us. But so far overall I enjoy checking in with her each day and enjoy our recovery conversations.
I tend to go to two meetings a week. When I miss one, it doesn't mean that I'm going to drink, but if I did so regularly it would definitely affect the quality of mg sobriety and over time I may well take a drink if my sobriety turned to poop, because it would make me think 'why do I bother? I feel terrible anyway.'
Maybe you could have that conversation about this website at a later date when it's not linked to anything personal (so could come across as being defensive about not having gone to a meeting and thereby your point would be lost anyway). More in general conversation over coffee when you next meet with her face to face. I have told my sponsor I use this site. She chose not to look at it and remains dubious about it, but does acknowledge that through it I can easily tap into 12th step opportunities (I.e. helping other alcoholics, in and out of the program.) That's fine. My sponsor has 40 years sober. Shes there to teach me, not the other way round. Although when she has her knee replacement ops (both knees - ouch) and can't so easily get to meetings then I'll point heroin the direction of this forum again.
BB
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
Well. I suppose you could tell her just that, even give her the website address so she can take a look if she wants. Even in the Big Book it says that AA doesn't have monopoly over recovery. Each of us can only speak for themselves. She chose AA and stuck with it because it's worked for her, and presumably there's something about her recovery that was attractive to you because you asked her to be your sponsor.
If you want the kind of recovery she has, she can guide you through the steps so you can get it. If you don't want what she has, and actually would prefer to do things a different way then she won't be able to. While I was still hankering after a easier and softer way (namely one the didn't involve certain steps that I was getting fearful and resentful about before I was even due to start working on them) I did not have the willingness to work with ANY sponsor. I was unteachable.
Why are you so desperate to show this woman a thing or two? Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said now? Does it need to be said by you? If the answer to any of those questions is 'no' then you'd probably to well to accept that you asked her to guide you through the steps. Effectively for HER to teach YOU. Maybe just let her get on with it.
What step are you on?
BB
If you want the kind of recovery she has, she can guide you through the steps so you can get it. If you don't want what she has, and actually would prefer to do things a different way then she won't be able to. While I was still hankering after a easier and softer way (namely one the didn't involve certain steps that I was getting fearful and resentful about before I was even due to start working on them) I did not have the willingness to work with ANY sponsor. I was unteachable.
Why are you so desperate to show this woman a thing or two? Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said now? Does it need to be said by you? If the answer to any of those questions is 'no' then you'd probably to well to accept that you asked her to guide you through the steps. Effectively for HER to teach YOU. Maybe just let her get on with it.
What step are you on?
BB
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Originally Posted by FreedomCA
If you read my original post, in no way did I come across as wanting to teach this woman a thing or two. In fact, I clearly stated that I did not want to debate or teach her anything which is why I did not discuss this with her, and that my motive in presenting this topic on SR was for learning and open conversation.
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Originally Posted by FreedomCA
If you read my original post, in no way did I come across as wanting to teach this woman a thing or two. In fact, I clearly stated that I did not want to debate or teach her anything which is why I did not discuss this with her, and that my motive in presenting this topic on SR was for learning and open conversation.
You've been here a while and that in itself didn't keep you sober yet. Now you have chosen to work the program of AA. I tried dabbling and cherry picking that program myself for six months. But in the end I found that if I wanted THAT program to work for ME, I needed to stop procrastinating about what other people did outside the program and commit to working it. I don't think I'm the only one whose had that experience. And after all, it couldn't be made clearer in How It Works. 'Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path'. We're all at liberty to deviate off the path. None of us have to follow our sponsor or their suggestions. But that is all they have to give you. If you're on step one and already thinking you know better than your sponsor but not willing to talk to her openly about your thoughts then she's gonna be limited in How she can help you.
Why did you choose AA?
Why did you choose her?
BB
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A big variable why I have been unable to stay sober is because I have been living the past 8 years with an active alcoholic and meth addict. We have now been separated 1 month toward divorce. My chances of staying sober have now statistically increased.
I chose AA because I was sober 3 years on it before in my early 20’s and I like the program.
I chose her because she is smart and seems to give helpful feedback.
I chose AA because I was sober 3 years on it before in my early 20’s and I like the program.
I chose her because she is smart and seems to give helpful feedback.
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Originally Posted by FreedomCA
A big variable why I have been unable to stay sober is because I have been living the past 8 years with an active alcoholic and meth addict. We have now been separated 1 month toward divorce. My chances of staying sober have now statistically increased.
I chose AA because I was sober 3 years on it before in my early 20’s and I like the program.
I chose her because she is smart and seems to give helpful feedback.
I chose AA because I was sober 3 years on it before in my early 20’s and I like the program.
I chose her because she is smart and seems to give helpful feedback.
That all sounds positive. And step 1 is fairly straightforward. Bet you could get that done today if you wanted to. The steps area on here can be a valuable resource as well. And the AA speaker recordings.
Hope you're enjoying the peace and lack of chaos now you've separated, even if it seems a bit quiet and strange for now.
BB
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This got brought up because she was amazed that I have stayed sober for 6 days without one meeting.
meetings dont keep us sober. nowhere in the steps does it say "x" number of meetings is necessary.
here are the steps we took which are suggested as a progrram of recovery.
this reads like a good topic to agree to disagree with your sponsor on.
if you want to bring it up,bring it up and let it go. a debate needs 2 sides and if you dont engage,no debate.
meetings dont keep us sober. nowhere in the steps does it say "x" number of meetings is necessary.
here are the steps we took which are suggested as a progrram of recovery.
this reads like a good topic to agree to disagree with your sponsor on.
if you want to bring it up,bring it up and let it go. a debate needs 2 sides and if you dont engage,no debate.
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
Congrats on your month sober.
That all sounds positive. And step 1 is fairly straightforward. Bet you could get that done today if you wanted to. The steps area on here can be a valuable resource as well. And the AA speaker recordings.
Hope you're enjoying the peace and lack of chaos now you've separated, even if it seems a bit quiet and strange for now.
BB
That all sounds positive. And step 1 is fairly straightforward. Bet you could get that done today if you wanted to. The steps area on here can be a valuable resource as well. And the AA speaker recordings.
Hope you're enjoying the peace and lack of chaos now you've separated, even if it seems a bit quiet and strange for now.
BB
actually only on Day 7. Yes, there is peace and quiet now, but I do love and miss him despite the addictions. I am having to cope with loneliness now and losing my companion and sleeping partner. It’s sad but for the best. It helps that I have a miniature poodle to keep me company and who sleeps with me every night.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
This got brought up because she was amazed that I have stayed sober for 6 days without one meeting.
meetings dont keep us sober. nowhere in the steps does it say "x" number of meetings is necessary.
here are the steps we took which are suggested as a progrram of recovery.
this reads like a good topic to agree to disagree with your sponsor on.
if you want to bring it up,bring it up and let it go. a debate needs 2 sides and if you dont engage,no debate.
meetings dont keep us sober. nowhere in the steps does it say "x" number of meetings is necessary.
here are the steps we took which are suggested as a progrram of recovery.
this reads like a good topic to agree to disagree with your sponsor on.
if you want to bring it up,bring it up and let it go. a debate needs 2 sides and if you dont engage,no debate.
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Thing is, recovery is about learning to deal with life on life's terms. Whether those terms are other people's addictions, being separated from our partner, being ill, stressful jobs, unemployment or whatever. There will always be 'stuff' of some kind to deal with. It isn't that stuff that makes us drink. What makes us drink is that alcoholic thinking that drinking is some kind of solution. It just isn't.
Chances are, like me with the problems I drank at to no avail, you were alcoholic before you lived with your husband and his addictions. Someone who wasn't an alcoholic would think that drinking alcoholically was a solution to that problem, or any of my problems that I drank over. Drinking just makes any bad situation worse. I was so good at adding those "...but..." rationalizing parts to my sentences that I couldn't see the wood for the trees. I blamed my drinking on everything other than my own thinking, but it was my thinking that I could change or it was my thinking that would keep me sick.
I hope you do get to some more meetings. I don't tend to hear people expressing regret over getting to meetings, but I DO hear them express it off missing them.
BB
Chances are, like me with the problems I drank at to no avail, you were alcoholic before you lived with your husband and his addictions. Someone who wasn't an alcoholic would think that drinking alcoholically was a solution to that problem, or any of my problems that I drank over. Drinking just makes any bad situation worse. I was so good at adding those "...but..." rationalizing parts to my sentences that I couldn't see the wood for the trees. I blamed my drinking on everything other than my own thinking, but it was my thinking that I could change or it was my thinking that would keep me sick.
I hope you do get to some more meetings. I don't tend to hear people expressing regret over getting to meetings, but I DO hear them express it off missing them.
BB
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the answer to the original question. The big book says AA has no monopoly over recovery. so anyone who has read the big book from the preface on should know this.
that said, I would let bygones be bygones and keep working with your sponsor.
as was suggested here, you could bring up the subject after a few months when the relationship moves from sponsorship to a more casual friendship and after a good time sober. for now, I would use her help and discard the rest.
seems like she is a good sponsor according to you.
that said, I would let bygones be bygones and keep working with your sponsor.
as was suggested here, you could bring up the subject after a few months when the relationship moves from sponsorship to a more casual friendship and after a good time sober. for now, I would use her help and discard the rest.
seems like she is a good sponsor according to you.
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Thank you, and I was alcoholic before I met my husband. It’s just that I have tried to get sober while living with him, and it has been difficult with him always drinking around me and with alcohol in the house. I am hoping that getting sober will be a little bit easier with him out of the picture.
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[QUOTE=FreedomCA;6807257]So I am choosing to use the AA method to try and stay sober. I don’t want to get into a debate with my sponsor, and so I thought I would ask my question here. My sponsor seems to think that the AA way and meetings and the steps are the only way to get and stay sober. But I want to tell her that there seem to be people here online who have been sober for a long period without using the AA method. So how could someone explain how an alcoholic is able to stay sober and be happy without using AA?[/QUOTE]
You said you are choosing AA. So why enter a debate with your sponsor? She /He is sharing what works for her/him. I'm guessing that you're at the beginning of your program/steps/etc. I would respectfully suggest that you worry about you- and if necessary, get another sponsor if this one impedes your establishment of a program- and truly work AA. I have found that there are other ways- one thing SR has done for me is keep me non-judgmental and open to the fact that there are indeed other succcessful methods- yet AA is the one that works (exceedingly well, based on the life I have in recovery) so for me, why try another way?
IMO and IME, eliminating the often unnecessary mental gymnastics and arguments that impede us from working a successful program is really important.
Best to you.
You said you are choosing AA. So why enter a debate with your sponsor? She /He is sharing what works for her/him. I'm guessing that you're at the beginning of your program/steps/etc. I would respectfully suggest that you worry about you- and if necessary, get another sponsor if this one impedes your establishment of a program- and truly work AA. I have found that there are other ways- one thing SR has done for me is keep me non-judgmental and open to the fact that there are indeed other succcessful methods- yet AA is the one that works (exceedingly well, based on the life I have in recovery) so for me, why try another way?
IMO and IME, eliminating the often unnecessary mental gymnastics and arguments that impede us from working a successful program is really important.
Best to you.
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