Sorry 2nd post this week, needing clarity
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
Sorry 2nd post this week, needing clarity
I just posted a few days ago about figuring out my next steps. I have gone to 2 counseling session that were supposed to be for my husband & I that he claims he had the wrong dates. So my next counseling session is next week & if he chooses not to show again, then this counseling session will be for me & not my marriage. My husband said (again) he wants to go & he wants to quit drinking but because we are in roommate status he feels there is no reason to quit. I try to tell him he needs to quit for himself because our marriage will take time to get back to a good place. He was telling me last night he needs my support, my help to quit. He does not want outside help & from all I have read this is near impossible & him wanting to put all that on me, to me, is not fair. I can support by taking care of kids while he goes to meetings or I can go to meetings with him. For those of you who have gone through this, what does support from a spouse look like. Because my husband has to understand I can be there for him but I feel he is looking only to me & that is going to damage an already damaged marriage. Sorry to post again but I am really trying to stay focused & do the right thing & if he is not ready to move forward, I really do feel my next step is asking him to move out. I always feel strong when I see my counselor, read about the addiction, journal or talk to my dearest friend but then I talk to my husband & 2nd guess what my next step is!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi Stacy. Please do not worry about how often you post.
He seems to be putting a lot of conditions on his sobriety, and making a lot of excuses. I have to tell you, someone who is truly determined to recover will not let anything stand in their way, and will not place any conditions on their loved ones in order to get the job done.
It sounds like he is not ready to quit, and is just trying to distract and delay you from making decisions or changes.
At the end of the day, you have to take care of you regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Waiting for him to straighten himself out before you can find peace is a recipe for unhappiness and strips you of all your power over your own life.
Keep up with your counseling for you. The more you focus on yourself and what you really want out of life, the clearer your path will become.
He seems to be putting a lot of conditions on his sobriety, and making a lot of excuses. I have to tell you, someone who is truly determined to recover will not let anything stand in their way, and will not place any conditions on their loved ones in order to get the job done.
It sounds like he is not ready to quit, and is just trying to distract and delay you from making decisions or changes.
At the end of the day, you have to take care of you regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Waiting for him to straighten himself out before you can find peace is a recipe for unhappiness and strips you of all your power over your own life.
Keep up with your counseling for you. The more you focus on yourself and what you really want out of life, the clearer your path will become.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stacy...here is an article that might be of some help...at, least some more information for you. I think it is a pretty good yardstick....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Yes, it does sound like he is shifting all of the responsibility and blame onto you.
If he is not ready...then, he is not ready....a nd, you can turn yourself inside out and it won't make any difference.
Even if he decides to quit just to get you off his back....he will still be resentful toward you....for taking away his ability to drink.
Forced couples therapy doesn't work if one party is still drinking...for several reasons.
If fact, most therapists won't see couples if one is still drinking.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Yes, it does sound like he is shifting all of the responsibility and blame onto you.
If he is not ready...then, he is not ready....a nd, you can turn yourself inside out and it won't make any difference.
Even if he decides to quit just to get you off his back....he will still be resentful toward you....for taking away his ability to drink.
Forced couples therapy doesn't work if one party is still drinking...for several reasons.
If fact, most therapists won't see couples if one is still drinking.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Excuses, excuses. He’s not ready to quit. Also, marriage counseling with an active addict is useless so I would go and do individual therapy for you. Hopefully it is someone who has an addiction background.
He needs to quit for himself. Your relationship status should have nothing to with it. If anything you would think that it would be an incentive for him to get clean so you can move away from the roommate status. You cannot fix him, that is all on him. You can be supportive in his recovery but there is absolutely nothing you can do for him. It needs to come from him and he needs to do all the work, make counseling appointments, go to AA, whatever it is. If he is motivated to quit he will do that. If you need to do all the leg work (like if he expects yo7 to remind him of his meeting or appointments, set up appt, take him places) you might as well save your energy because he is not ready to quit. He is blaming everyone else for his problems. He doesn’t want outside help because he is not ready to really quit (my RAH did the same thing), hence all the excuses and manipulation. It is completely impossible for you to help him. Your support should consists of having him focus on himself, give him the space to do that, support that he goes to meetings and appointments or whatever and you take care of you and your recovery. Because you need it too. You only have control over yourself..
You’re right, he needs to quit for himself. B cause unless he does that he won’t succeed. He may for a little while maybe but without outside help it is unlikely he will succeed. He might stop drinking but he will be a white knuckling dry drunk until he relapses.
You are right, don’t let him try to convince you otherwise (because they are so very good at that). If you haven’t read codependent no more please do. They are masters at lying and manipulation and the blame game. And we put up with it, until we don’t and see through it finally. And that freaks them out because it is interfering with their drinking. From the sound of it he is not ready to quit. What a Bs reason that be use you live like roommates there is no reason to quit. Him continuing is not gonna make that better. Him quitting might, not a guarantee but chances are better.
You do you and don’t let him talk you out of what you have learned. Don’t even encourage him to go to counseling with you, it will do no good until he is clean.
He needs to quit for himself. Your relationship status should have nothing to with it. If anything you would think that it would be an incentive for him to get clean so you can move away from the roommate status. You cannot fix him, that is all on him. You can be supportive in his recovery but there is absolutely nothing you can do for him. It needs to come from him and he needs to do all the work, make counseling appointments, go to AA, whatever it is. If he is motivated to quit he will do that. If you need to do all the leg work (like if he expects yo7 to remind him of his meeting or appointments, set up appt, take him places) you might as well save your energy because he is not ready to quit. He is blaming everyone else for his problems. He doesn’t want outside help because he is not ready to really quit (my RAH did the same thing), hence all the excuses and manipulation. It is completely impossible for you to help him. Your support should consists of having him focus on himself, give him the space to do that, support that he goes to meetings and appointments or whatever and you take care of you and your recovery. Because you need it too. You only have control over yourself..
You’re right, he needs to quit for himself. B cause unless he does that he won’t succeed. He may for a little while maybe but without outside help it is unlikely he will succeed. He might stop drinking but he will be a white knuckling dry drunk until he relapses.
You are right, don’t let him try to convince you otherwise (because they are so very good at that). If you haven’t read codependent no more please do. They are masters at lying and manipulation and the blame game. And we put up with it, until we don’t and see through it finally. And that freaks them out because it is interfering with their drinking. From the sound of it he is not ready to quit. What a Bs reason that be use you live like roommates there is no reason to quit. Him continuing is not gonna make that better. Him quitting might, not a guarantee but chances are better.
You do you and don’t let him talk you out of what you have learned. Don’t even encourage him to go to counseling with you, it will do no good until he is clean.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Yeah..that's not going to work for either of you IMO. So, in his 'mind' the same people his drinking caused harm to are the only way he will get sober. Hmmm..interesting and I'm sure that's the what he actually believes to be the fix. Good old drunk 'logic' how I don't miss that warped reality... He's wrong on multiple fronts with asking that of you. Then the using the state of the marriage as a reason to continue drinking. He really needs to be seeing an individual therapists. Most family therapists won't even take on an addict not working a recovery program. My old therapist told me to wait until I had 45 days sober before she'd see me. Just like him trying to manipulate his recovery around you,she didn't want me having too many daydreams(her polite way of saying impractical/crazy expectations) early on also,me trying to manipulate therapy/myself. I remember getting a bit mad when she said I'd try to manipulate myself. But, even after 2mo sober I was still trying to do it and she'd call me on it. Eventually I started to call myself on it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sta cy...I imagine that you feel better when you read about the disease or journal or talk to your friend...because it give you a little infusion of hope.... and, I imagine that hope is the only thing left that keeps you still in the marriage....
But, when one comes up against the cold reality of their stone wall...the hope melts away....
I sure hope that your counselor is experienced with alcoholism....(not all of them are).....
One more thought that might apply, here....
Men, especially, really hate the roommate situation....because to men (more than women), tend to see the Horizonal Tango as the sign that everything is O.K.
In the absence of the Horizonal Tango...they can take that as evidence that YOU are ruining the marriage. Riiigght!
But, when one comes up against the cold reality of their stone wall...the hope melts away....
I sure hope that your counselor is experienced with alcoholism....(not all of them are).....
One more thought that might apply, here....
Men, especially, really hate the roommate situation....because to men (more than women), tend to see the Horizonal Tango as the sign that everything is O.K.
In the absence of the Horizonal Tango...they can take that as evidence that YOU are ruining the marriage. Riiigght!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Stacy0701 
He was telling me last night he needs my support, my help to quit.
Don't sign up for his recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
Thank you everyone for your responses! I agree he is not ready, I agree I need to work on me & continue with counseling & not push him to go. Yes the good news is this counselor is experienced with alcoholism & came from a treatment center. So as I mentioned I feel strongest with all the education I have done, when in counseling, talking to friends or journalling & not for my husband but strong for me. It is when he talks to me & blames me or says he cannot quit unless I do "abc" that I start to feel weak & doubt myself. I know I am not to blame & I know he will only quit when he is ready. So when he tries to talk to me about our marriage & how he hates this roommate stage & wants to quit but needs me to do "xyz" what is a good short but to the point response?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lol...stacy...my favorite short response to quacking and stupid requests, etc....is......"This subject is not for debate".....
Another sarcastic remark in my basket of short, snarky, conversation-stopping remarks is...."Put those complaints on 3 x 5 cards, and I will review them at the end of the week"
Another is...."Stop talking. Your actions are so loud that I cannot hear what you are saying to the contrary"..
Building on what trailmix just said....When you say no....it is very important to not JADE.......J-justify A-argue D-defend E-explain.
In other words..after you say "No"...Drop the mike!
don't make yourself a soft target....for the quacking...
You may have to begin to grow a tougher rhino skin...
Another sarcastic remark in my basket of short, snarky, conversation-stopping remarks is...."Put those complaints on 3 x 5 cards, and I will review them at the end of the week"
Another is...."Stop talking. Your actions are so loud that I cannot hear what you are saying to the contrary"..
Building on what trailmix just said....When you say no....it is very important to not JADE.......J-justify A-argue D-defend E-explain.
In other words..after you say "No"...Drop the mike!
don't make yourself a soft target....for the quacking...
You may have to begin to grow a tougher rhino skin...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Everyone reccomends reading Codependent No More. I finally took their advice and started reading it last night. Wow, eye opening! I already feel a tad calmer and am putting something into practice. In fact I'm sitting in the Safeway parking lot blasting my favorite song. Someging I'd never done because I didn't want to bother people around me. You are doing great in recognizing your AH's problem and that you aren't responsible for him getting sober. I love your confidence and that you are sticking to your boundaries. Keep it up and please read that book, you will be amazed.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I come from the A side of the forum, and I see a lot of new posters state the same thing--that they don't have their loved ones' support, or need it. But when pressed on what form that support takes, they are usually vague. They just know that if they had it, they'd be sober.
Don't sign up for his recovery.
Don't sign up for his recovery.
Thankfully, by the time this got really intense, I had been here and in Alanon long enough to know not to pay attention. But for those who are fresh to all this, your post is some really, really important info!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Stacy, regarding your comment on posting twice in one week--please don't think there is some kind of limit on how often you can post here! Let your needs dictate that.
What I would like to suggest to you, however, is that you start to reply to other members' threads. I took a quick look and it appears that all of your posts so far are either to start a thread of your own or to reply in one of your own threads. Reaching out to others was an important part of my own recovery, and I think most other "recovery folks" will tell you the same. I gained insight, perspective, and inspiration from reading others' threads, and posting in other members' threads, even if only to say "hang in there", made me feel connected.
Right at this moment, I see 1044 people online here at SR, 80 registered members and 964 visiting guests. And that is only who is online right now. You're part of something big, so use that to your advantage--personally, I have not found a better online resource anywhere, ever.
What I would like to suggest to you, however, is that you start to reply to other members' threads. I took a quick look and it appears that all of your posts so far are either to start a thread of your own or to reply in one of your own threads. Reaching out to others was an important part of my own recovery, and I think most other "recovery folks" will tell you the same. I gained insight, perspective, and inspiration from reading others' threads, and posting in other members' threads, even if only to say "hang in there", made me feel connected.
Right at this moment, I see 1044 people online here at SR, 80 registered members and 964 visiting guests. And that is only who is online right now. You're part of something big, so use that to your advantage--personally, I have not found a better online resource anywhere, ever.
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