New Here and Need Some Advice
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
New Here and Need Some Advice
Hello everyone. I am new to this site, and I need a little advice on my husband.
We have been together for 5 years, and have been married for almost 3. (This summer will be our 3).
While I believe we have some issues, I do feel we are a good match for each other. I have a daughter from a previous relationship, and she calls my husband dad. Her biological father has never been in the picture. His choice. My husband says he will adopt her as soon as we are able.
This might be a long post, as I'd like to give a little back story to me as a person and my husband.
Me: my father was an alcoholic. My parents divorced when I was a teen, and his drinking got worse. He was never violent, but could be verbally mean. Definitely short temper. He always picked my brother and I up for visits drunk, and drove us home that way. There were times I drove, without a permit (I was younger than 15), as I felt it was safer for me to, and being as how he was drunk, he didn't care. I always secretly wished when he was driving us around that a cop would pull us over. They never did. And as far as I was aware, he never got a DUI. There were other bad things that went on, which I'd rather not get into, as this post is more about my husband and not my past. My dad is now sober, and has been for a long time. (I'm 36 now, so you can see how long ago this happened), but it still effects me to this day.
My husband: he used to abuse drugs. Before I knew him, he was addicted to heroin. He used for several years, before a run in with law enforcement made him change his perception, and he quit. He had always drank alcohol, and so have I.
While we dated I never noticed a major issue with his drinking. We would go out for normal dates, would have a drink or two, and would wait around long enough for the alcohol to wear off before we drove home, or we would just call a cab or an uber.
But I feel things got worse after we got married.
We have been through cycles it seems, where he will drink 6+ beers a night, we fight about it because I feel it impaires him too much, he says he will either stop drinking completely, or will say he will cut back. I will see a change (either he really does stop completely, or really does cut back), but it never lasts, and we are right back to 6+ beers a night before long. And so continues the cycle.
What brings me here, is an issue he has never done before. He and my daugter went to a basketball game last night. He won tickets and its his favorite team. He has not been to a game in a while as he did not behave himself the last time, and coming from his own mouth, he said he was not going to go again. I dont like him going, as almost every time he does he drinks too much, and then drives home. Refuses for me to pick him up. Which is why I didnt want him going last night, but figured since our daughter was going everything would be fine. Plus she loves going to basketball games and really wanted to go.
She however was not feeling all that well, and they left to come home within the first quarter. When he called me, they were already in the car on the way home (bluetooth), and I could tell by his voice he had been drinking. I told him to pull over so I could come and get our daughter cause I didnt want him driving like that with her in the car. He listened, but not without arguing with me about it first.
Once he got home (i got home first) we got into a huge fight. I could definitely tell he had been drinking, and I knew it was enough to where he should have waited longer than he did to drive. He was not at the game long, so I know the alcohol didn't have a lot of time to diminish. Plus I still smelled it on his breath.
He tried to say he was at .05 and was fine. That legally he was allowed to drive, but for me I don't care. I don't condone ANY drinking and then driving right away. Coming from where I came from, I don't care if its just one drink. If you have A drink, you either not drive, or you have to wait at LEAST an hour or more, along with consuming food before driving. If you have more than a drink, the expectations are higher. (He lied to me and told me over the phone he didnt have anything to drink, but during our fight he admitted to 3). I do know that over time alcohol diminishes, so I understand that while a person may have a drink somewhere, an hour or so later without consuming anymore alcohol, the person is probably fine to drive. I felt that since he had our daughter, he shouldn't have drank at all. (I knew he could do that, as he HAS done it before, just not very often). I told him I didnt care what he blew, that it should have been a zero, with her in the car. He proceeded to make me feel my expectations were ridiculous, and that I'm just acting this way because my father was an alcoholic, and therefore I'm treating him as one.
He told me last night he would never drink again (which I've heard many times before so I'm not holding my breath), but this time I told him he better mean it, because if he so much as drinks another drop, our marriage is over.
I don't know what we will do if I have to follow through with that, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
I guess this turned into more of a vent session, but any advice anyone can give me would be wonderful. Or any words of encouragement. I would rather not divorce, I do love him, and know he can over come this. But I'm just blown away he would think it would be ok to drive with our daughter in the car.
We have been together for 5 years, and have been married for almost 3. (This summer will be our 3).
While I believe we have some issues, I do feel we are a good match for each other. I have a daughter from a previous relationship, and she calls my husband dad. Her biological father has never been in the picture. His choice. My husband says he will adopt her as soon as we are able.
This might be a long post, as I'd like to give a little back story to me as a person and my husband.
Me: my father was an alcoholic. My parents divorced when I was a teen, and his drinking got worse. He was never violent, but could be verbally mean. Definitely short temper. He always picked my brother and I up for visits drunk, and drove us home that way. There were times I drove, without a permit (I was younger than 15), as I felt it was safer for me to, and being as how he was drunk, he didn't care. I always secretly wished when he was driving us around that a cop would pull us over. They never did. And as far as I was aware, he never got a DUI. There were other bad things that went on, which I'd rather not get into, as this post is more about my husband and not my past. My dad is now sober, and has been for a long time. (I'm 36 now, so you can see how long ago this happened), but it still effects me to this day.
My husband: he used to abuse drugs. Before I knew him, he was addicted to heroin. He used for several years, before a run in with law enforcement made him change his perception, and he quit. He had always drank alcohol, and so have I.
While we dated I never noticed a major issue with his drinking. We would go out for normal dates, would have a drink or two, and would wait around long enough for the alcohol to wear off before we drove home, or we would just call a cab or an uber.
But I feel things got worse after we got married.
We have been through cycles it seems, where he will drink 6+ beers a night, we fight about it because I feel it impaires him too much, he says he will either stop drinking completely, or will say he will cut back. I will see a change (either he really does stop completely, or really does cut back), but it never lasts, and we are right back to 6+ beers a night before long. And so continues the cycle.
What brings me here, is an issue he has never done before. He and my daugter went to a basketball game last night. He won tickets and its his favorite team. He has not been to a game in a while as he did not behave himself the last time, and coming from his own mouth, he said he was not going to go again. I dont like him going, as almost every time he does he drinks too much, and then drives home. Refuses for me to pick him up. Which is why I didnt want him going last night, but figured since our daughter was going everything would be fine. Plus she loves going to basketball games and really wanted to go.
She however was not feeling all that well, and they left to come home within the first quarter. When he called me, they were already in the car on the way home (bluetooth), and I could tell by his voice he had been drinking. I told him to pull over so I could come and get our daughter cause I didnt want him driving like that with her in the car. He listened, but not without arguing with me about it first.
Once he got home (i got home first) we got into a huge fight. I could definitely tell he had been drinking, and I knew it was enough to where he should have waited longer than he did to drive. He was not at the game long, so I know the alcohol didn't have a lot of time to diminish. Plus I still smelled it on his breath.
He tried to say he was at .05 and was fine. That legally he was allowed to drive, but for me I don't care. I don't condone ANY drinking and then driving right away. Coming from where I came from, I don't care if its just one drink. If you have A drink, you either not drive, or you have to wait at LEAST an hour or more, along with consuming food before driving. If you have more than a drink, the expectations are higher. (He lied to me and told me over the phone he didnt have anything to drink, but during our fight he admitted to 3). I do know that over time alcohol diminishes, so I understand that while a person may have a drink somewhere, an hour or so later without consuming anymore alcohol, the person is probably fine to drive. I felt that since he had our daughter, he shouldn't have drank at all. (I knew he could do that, as he HAS done it before, just not very often). I told him I didnt care what he blew, that it should have been a zero, with her in the car. He proceeded to make me feel my expectations were ridiculous, and that I'm just acting this way because my father was an alcoholic, and therefore I'm treating him as one.
He told me last night he would never drink again (which I've heard many times before so I'm not holding my breath), but this time I told him he better mean it, because if he so much as drinks another drop, our marriage is over.
I don't know what we will do if I have to follow through with that, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
I guess this turned into more of a vent session, but any advice anyone can give me would be wonderful. Or any words of encouragement. I would rather not divorce, I do love him, and know he can over come this. But I'm just blown away he would think it would be ok to drive with our daughter in the car.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
But I'm just blown away he would think it would be ok to drive with our daughter in the car.
it's not that he didn't "think" it was ok, he didn't CARE. his need to drink came first.
if ANY OTHER person driving a vehicle with your child in it was drunk, or had been drinking, what would you do?
the rules apply the same. what he did was criminal. and potential fatal.
it's not that he didn't "think" it was ok, he didn't CARE. his need to drink came first.
if ANY OTHER person driving a vehicle with your child in it was drunk, or had been drinking, what would you do?
the rules apply the same. what he did was criminal. and potential fatal.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If you truly mean what you say, make that plan. Prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best. I have heard so many people here (including me), make those type of statements, and be left hanging, having no idea what the heck to do when these things happen.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
But I'm just blown away he would think it would be ok to drive with our daughter in the car.
it's not that he didn't "think" it was ok, he didn't CARE. his need to drink came first.
if ANY OTHER person driving a vehicle with your child in it was drunk, or had been drinking, what would you do?
the rules apply the same. what he did was criminal. and potential fatal.
it's not that he didn't "think" it was ok, he didn't CARE. his need to drink came first.
if ANY OTHER person driving a vehicle with your child in it was drunk, or had been drinking, what would you do?
the rules apply the same. what he did was criminal. and potential fatal.
I hate to say it but the dui means he now has interlock in his car so I dont need to worry about him drinking and driving. He only drives his car.
OP, don’t trust him to drive with your child right now. My h would lie about drinking and then we’d fight. You are getting in the way of his alcohol.
And drinking and driving is criminal - my h was in handcuffs and taken to be booked. He went to court and was lucky he did not get jail time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
And if you threaten divorce be prepared to stand by that. I threatened and then was a pushover. In their minds it means they can still drink.
My h has been sober a month right now. The dui was a wake up but he has relapsed once since then. The cravings are awful. He had to admit he has a problem and want to fix it. Otherwise this cycle of you catching him lying and fighting will continue.
My h has been sober a month right now. The dui was a wake up but he has relapsed once since then. The cravings are awful. He had to admit he has a problem and want to fix it. Otherwise this cycle of you catching him lying and fighting will continue.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by SarahBear1009
He proceeded to make me feel my expectations were ridiculous, and that I'm just acting this way because my father was an alcoholic, and therefore I'm treating him as one..
If this drinking at all, with your Daughter in the vehicle is 100 percent unacceptable to you, I don't think that is an unfair boundary. I agree with you in fact.
I don't know much about basketball but a quarter takes roughly half an hour with stoppages? So he had 3 drinks in half an hour or less? It takes the body roughly 1 hour to process 1 drink. So no, he wasn't sober and no it's not acceptable and yes you are entirely right to be concerned.
Personally, based on what happened, I would never let him take her anywhere in the car unless you are going with them as well.
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