W999

I have totally destroyed my life trying to save my wife from her alcohol addiction. I know I have done this to myself, I didn't have to make all the wrong choices in the past 13 years, but I did.

The main thing I've done to screw myself up is sacrifice my career 7 years ago. I thought if I stopped working, live meagerly off savings, and was with her 24/7 I could fix her. I imagined it wouldn't be long until she was "fixed" and we could both go back to work. Oh what an idiot I am, that was 7 years ago now and this nightmare still continues and we are broke.

Everything I read NOT to do ...I have done.
Everything people told me NOT to do...I have done.

And now my life is a total mess and I have constant thoughts of just ending it.

We have been together 25 years, the drinking showed itself 13 years ago but I think she managed to hide it for a few years before that until it became too much to conceal. She has been through multiple rehabs both in-house private facilities, NHS facilities, plus home detox probably about 30 times.

It's the same old story, when she's not drinking life is good but then the binge relapse happens and that's what is going on right now as I type this.

Thanks for this forum, it has helped me a lot reading through peoples experiences.

CentralOhioDad

Hello, W999, amd welcome to this forum.

May I suggest getting to a healthcare professional for YOU and maybe some counseling?

You have sacrificed much/everything to 'try' to make her well, and it hasn't worked a lick. So, now it's time to give up her fight, and fight for yourself. She is responsible for her, you are responsible for you.

You can be okay.

HUGS

COD

Awake2018

Please seek help for yourself today! There is nothing done that is so bad you can't come back from. New normal sure, but you can put the pieces back together! Please keep posting here and start focusing on yourself.

mylifeismine

As others have said, please get help for yourself today, start
your recovery, for you. The three c's, you
didn't cause it
can't control it
can't cure it

You can make a choice to begin your own recovery and make a
commitment to get yourself healthy again, whatever it takes.
You are worth it and you are the only person you have control
over. I'm sorry you are in so much pain, but it can and will
get better if you will give yourself the compassion you have
shown her.

Keep posting and learning. Alanon and counseling to help
you.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/recove...ut-themselves/

Opivotal

Welcome, W999

I'm sorry for your pain. Maybe it's time to focus on your own health and well being? Good for you reaching out for support. I'm so glad you found us. Many members share your concerns with loved ones. Here are a few crisis lines. Please consider calling if you feel the need to talk with someone.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6641643

Elle1974

I am sorry you are hurting! I agree with everyone else. Its time to find yourself some support and help. There is no shame in that. Its never too late. You can come back from this. With time and work but you ARE worth it! Learning to forgive ourselves and treat ourselves with compassion and kindness are huge.

ScottFromWI

Glad you came here today W999. As lots of others said it's time you started taking care of yourself, and coming here to ask was a great first step. It's never to late to change, and you can absolutely change yourself. First off though, suicide is a very serious thing to think about - but it does happen, and there is a lot of help for those who do. Call some of the hotlines listed in previous posts if you feel it necessary - and even if you don't they would MUCH rather talk to you and make sure things are OK anyway!

W999

Thanks for the replies. I don't think I would ever kill myself, it's just the thoughts that go round and round in my head.

There is one thing that I think keeps me from moving my situation forward over the years and that is, I just haven't been able to convince myself that I didn't cause her problem. That's why I've put so much into trying to fix it, I think. I wondered if anyone can offer me any advice about that?

Thanks so much

biminiblue

Did you pour the alcohol in her mouth?

Why do you think you caused it? I mean it's common for alcoholics to blame everyone but themselves, but this is not on you. Only she can fix this.

I hope you find help for yourself, this is no way for you to live and there is a way out for you.

SparkleKitty

W999, for many years I believe myself to be the cause of my mother's alcoholism and her unhappiness. It wasn't until I got involved in a relationship with an alcoholic as an adult that I was able to understand how little his (and her) addiction had to do with me.

For me, it was an issue of control: if it was my fault, then surely I could fix it, right?

Letting go of that illusion of control was terrifying. And ultimately, empowering and freeing.

DesertEyes

Hello W999, and pleased to "meet" you.

Wow, you just wrote my story, almost exactly my story.

I did that. My ex had a fantastic career in a technical field. But the addiction to pain meds slowly reduced her ability to function. I gave more and more time from my career and my life to drive her to work, wake her up in the morning, take care of the household, etc. etc.

My own career? Gone.

That was exactly my hope as well.

I did 20.

Yes, exactly the same for me.

This is what worked for me.

No contact. But not all in one day. Very slowly, over a good 6 months, I did less and less to cover up her addiction. Those little snippets of time I used for me. I went to my first al-anon meeting, some weeks later a second.

That career I once had. I did not give up on it, I just put it aside and focused on getting any kind of income just for me. I got a job. And what I discovered is that even that minimum wage job paid more than being baby-sitter to an addict.

Then I got a better job, and then another, and I saved every penny I could.

I started doing all the things recommended here on SR and from real life meetings. Things with my ex did not get better, but I was getting better sleep, meeting real people in real life who came with some interesting ideas to get me out of that pit I had dug myself into.

Took the better part of a year to get a job where I could afford a tiny apartment on my own. And another year to actually have a little money in savings.

That is when the miracle happpened. A friend of a friend gave me a good reference to a job in another city. A job completely unrelated to my old career. They wanted somebody stable who they could train.

I could not imagine anybody thinking of me as "stable" as an untreated co-dependent. But they did. Today, in the middle of a horrid economy, I have a job with benefits. I also have the clarity of mind that I could not maintain while in direct contact with a pain pill addict. I have been able to set boundaries with my ex in ways that protect me and allow her the dignity of making her own decsisions in life. We are actually friendly with each other... when she's sober.

I am not the smartest guy in the bunch, but I did manage to fix my own life. Oh, and all of the above has happened while I am fighting a stage 3 tumor. If someone like me can do it then anybody can do it.

Mike

Bekindalways

Welcome W. I'm so glad you are posting and hope you find lots of support here.

I'm a chronic depressive so thoughts of death are a regular part of my mental activity. You may have at least some acute depression going on. Please do get a medical check up. Anti depressives can be helpful to some although not all..

Letting go of our unrealistic ideas of life, reality and our relationships is super hard but can happen. Start working on it today in whatever teeny tiny way you can.

Big hug. You are in the right place.

atalose

Wow, just imagine if you actually did have that superpower – to give someone the disease of alcoholism and make them drink to access, make them obsess about drinking, convince them that the only copping skill they can use is a drink. Now if you did have that kind of a superpower- to give another human being the disease of alcoholism wouldn’t there be a whole trail of alcoholics in your dust, those who’ve wronged you, looked at you funny or gave you attitude wouldn’t they also be suffering from the disease of alcoholism?

Wouldn’t the medical field, the government, national defense, etc. being coming after you to examine this superpower you have, wouldn’t they want to take a close look at your ability to give another human being the disease of alcoholism?

I hope you stick around and come to learn and accept that NO you did not cause her disease.

tomsteve

W, im one of the alkies(been sober a few years,though). i used to blame this,that,and the other for my drinking.
when i got sober, one thing i did was admit NO ONE caused me to drink. NO ONE forced me to drink.
and NO ONE could control my drinking nor cure it.
the ONLY thing causing me to drink was untreated alcoholism- NOT caused by ANYONE but myself.

mylifeismine

Does she tell you that you make her drink?

That is what the majority of active alcoholics do- blame
others for their problems/addiction. They will not take
responsibility for their lives and instead try to make their
loved ones responsible. We only buy into that when we
believe we have that kind of super power. We don't and
admitting that, accepting that, believing that opens the
door to our own recovery and well being.

That is part of our "sickness" or "addiction" - believing
we have control over others behavior.

Bernadette

If there is something you have done in the past in this relationship, or any relationship, some transgression or something abusive, that you feel hurt another person you can make amends for that. When we are experiencing shame or guilt from our own bad behaviors we often don't make the best decisions in our lives, and we can self-punish and get trapped in misery.

In AlAnon we also follow 12 steps. If you read the 12 steps of AlAnon 7 of the steps are dedicated to admitting where we have been wrong (not just with our A, but this applies to any aspect, any people in our lives) and moving forward with amending those wrongs if we can, and remaining prepared to promptly admit and amend wrongs in the future.

That's because we must turn our unhealthy focus from the A to ourselves. We must forgive ourselves and release our shame. This is hard work, not magic, takes time and a good sponsor guiding us and being there to talk to and help us evaluate situations past and present.

I know I did not cause anyone's addiction. That's impossible. But have I hurt people in my life? Said and done harsh or heavy things, even to people I love? Made mistakes? Been an idiot? Of course. Yet the beauty, the gift, of those mistakes is that they are the key to freedom from codependence. When I accept my powerlessness over the alcoholic, and start to look at my own mistakes, my own problems,, I see that, Wow, I have enough to deal with on "Project Me!!" The only power I have is to change things about myself. Period. And the ray of sunshine comes when I accept the truth in that.

The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B.

Smarie78

I'm so sorry you are going through this. We try so hard to keep them above water we sometimes don't realize that they are drowning us in the process. While I did not have suicidal thoughts to that extent, I did sometimes think about everything just going away and ending. I struggled like you and many of us here. Risked a lot, sacrificed a whole lot, all on the hopes that I could fix and change him. I literally traded in my happiness and well-being for his thousand chances at MAYBE sobriety, which never happened. I consciously made the trade. I ignored what everyone said to do because I was so enmeshed with him and his problem. And this was just a boyfriend I was free to leave at any time, had no financial ties to, etc. And even that caused so much destruction and loss of money and depression in my life.

The most important thing now is that you RECOGNIZE this now. It isn't too late. Get help for yourself. This is still very hard for me to do because I still feel I need to be the fixer and the helper, but I am now starting to prioritize myself. Even if it isn't loud and proud just yet, I do know that I need help. Just like you need help. And serious help at that. Suicidal thoughts are nothing to take lightly. You need professional support so you no longer have to go through this alone. My qualifier was the same when he was dry...perfectly pleasant and we were happy. But each time a new relapse binge would happen a little part of me would die inside. It is NOT too late for help and saving YOURSELF even if you cannot save her. Much love and luck friend.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. You have gotten great feedback already, but I wanted to say that I hope you get some help, and that you keep coming back. SR is a place of great support!

Smarie78

and yes I also blamed myself, not for the addiction bc he had it well before we met, but a little for its progression. I felt like anything I did that he didn't like or couldn't cope with I wouldn't do. When I visited him in the hospital and he said the only thing that kept him going from a planned suicide was me , I REALLY felt like I couldn't leave. Then I realized not only was this probably manipulation, but that I don't have the power to keep anyone alive or cause anyone to die (unless I was a 'killer' which im not). I would like to think I am so wonderful that to live without me would be death-worthy, but it is simply not true. He didn't get sober before I was around, and certainly not after I was around. It's really something if anything, we have no control over. I use to think I didn't show him enough love and that's why he drank (because you see, with each relapse my love depleted more and more). But then I thought back to the times where things were good and he drank anyway. We truly are as powerless as it comes to the disease. My qualifier spent a month outside in the middle of winter drinking under a viaduct and ended up with frostbite and black feet in hospital. This all while he could have come inside at any time - he just couldn't drink. And everytime he chose to stay outside with a bottle. Nobody forced him to it. But he literally wanted it more than he wanted to be warm and fed. You see, if I forced him to turn to the drink than I certainly could have forced him to turn away from it right? Not exactly.

CentralOhioDad

Excellent point. Never thought of it this way before, but it's spot on!