Hes starting AA-I dont want him to

Old 03-01-2018, 02:19 PM
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Hes starting AA-I dont want him to

The councelor for the outpatient treatment program he checked into told my RAH that AA was a very good option. RAH told me last night the councelor also shared with him the Pink Cloud, and that if he didnt get help, he would either fall off or be pushed off. So RAH told me last night he wants to get help.

I should be jumping up and down, over the moon happy. Im happy he wants to get help! Anywhere but AA. I will NOT tell him that, I will not discourage him from going and I will take him to a meeting when he wants to go. This is his thing, his recovery. I can accept that. I cant choose for him what will help just like he couldnt choose the counceling and Alanon I have chosen to help me.

Why don't I want him to go to AA? I've read on this forum, and others, and research on the internet, and a few people we know who went through AA, they pretty much have to ignore everything else in life to concentrate on staying sober. And yea I know, don't believe everything you read on the internet. That's why I also talked to real live people.

Why do they get to continue being selfish, and why is it encouraged? They've already had their selfish period long enough, we've been ignored long enough. They can just suck it up and deal with real life while they recover like the rest of us have to do. We are weak too, from years of their selfishness. They got to play and be drunk and blissfully unaware. We are working just as hard as they are. If anyone needs to ignore life for their recovery its the spouses

I feel like a jerk because for the last month hes done nothing but be kind and respectful, listens to my rages, and in general is trying to make it up (except for the part where I begged him to leave and he wouldn't. I still need that but he can't be inconvenienced) I respect him for what hes doing, and I told him it goes a long way in the healing process. Sounds like forward movement right?

I know this man. He tells me I know him better than he does himself. He is on disability, so he has all the time in the world to devote to AA. Sounds like a good thing. But he has a very addictive personality. He will, mark my words, get totally immersed in this in an unhealthy way. He has to stay sober, if he isn't sober, thats a deal breaker for me, we are done. But so is being ignored any longer and keeping a home and kids going by myself. After 18 years, Im tired, mentally and emotionally.

I guess it comes down to facing my biggest fear. If he ignores us any longer, I will call it quits. And I still love him, I don't want to be done. But there's only so much a person can take, and this is the last straw.

Hopefully he will learn to not be addictive in other things, but being encouraged to concentrate solely on his own recovery, is contradictory. If any of you in AA want to set me straight, please do. Just be nice because I'm already crying buckets of tears over this. Anvilhead I'm sure you will weigh in LOL
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Old 03-01-2018, 02:23 PM
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Wamama, it's not AA that forces the addict to focus so much on recovery.

That's recovery.

AA is just a roadmap.

So is Al-Anon.
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Old 03-01-2018, 02:41 PM
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If he has an addictive personality, he is going to find something to be addicted to. Better AA than something else. Be careful what you wish for...
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Old 03-01-2018, 02:42 PM
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Ok, I can see your point there. That does make sense. Then I guess my problem is him ignoring life while he recovers, when I am recovering from the problem he created. I need the break, he played around for years, and I'm desperate for relief. I now understand where so many RA's are handed divorce papers after they finally decide to do the right thing.
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Wamama, it's not AA that forces the addict to focus so much on recovery.

That's recovery.

AA is just a roadmap.

So is Al-Anon.
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Old 03-01-2018, 02:44 PM
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Writing this as a recovering A, whatever method or program we use has to be like that. They are all like that or they wont work.

The programs we have to work are basically learning life skills. Putting the drink down is only the start. The real work comes after that.
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Old 03-01-2018, 02:45 PM
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If you need a break -- if you need anything -- you have to find a way to get it without him having to give it to you. Al-Anon is for you, and will give you the space and tools to foster your own recovery--wherever that leads you.
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Old 03-01-2018, 02:56 PM
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Wamama...I am glad to hear that you will not interfere with him going to AA. I think that would be super controlling, if you did.
Just like I think it would be, if refused to let you go to alanon.....

I agree that you have the right to call it quits at any time you decide that you want to or if you judge it to be the best thing for your own welfare....
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Old 03-01-2018, 03:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 View Post
Ok, I can see your point there. That does make sense. Then I guess my problem is him ignoring life while he recovers, when I am recovering from the problem he created. I need the break, he played around for years, and I'm desperate for relief. I now understand where so many RA's are handed divorce papers after they finally decide to do the right thing.
I hear you Wamama. In fact I agree with you. You do need that time just as much if not more than he does.

The truth is, sometimes in relationships things are just not fair (as you already know).

People talk about how there should be a place for recovering codies to go or just recovering spouses! Well there is in fact, I bet you there are retreats for all kinds of things. Problem being no insurance is going to cover that and who can afford to pay for a month or three at a retreat for anything short of a substance addiction?

Ok so none of that is really helpful, just wanted you to know that I get what you are saying, you are at the end of your rope and who is going to help you!

Only you.

Only you will help you. If you need time away from him, you are going to have to organize that, whether that is moving to an apartment or going on a retreat.

If he becomes so enmeshed in AA that it is completely placing all responsibilities on you, you need to express that to him. Maybe, just maybe, there are level heads at AA that will understand what you are saying and when /if he expresses this dilemma to them they will point him in the right direction, ie: AA cannot be his entire life.
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Old 03-01-2018, 03:11 PM
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Why don't I want him to go to AA? I've read on this forum, and others, and research on the internet, and a few people we know who went through AA, they pretty much have to ignore everything else in life to concentrate on staying sober. And yea I know, don't believe everything you read on the internet. That's why I also talked to real live people.

now toss out everything youve read and researched and read what THE program of AA says. you will find the EXACT FACTS of what THE program says in the big book of alcoholics anonymous. heres a few snippets:

Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.

At the very beginning, the couple ought to frankly face the fact that each will have to yield here and there if the family is going to play an effective part in the new life. Father will necessarily spend much time with other alcoholics, but this activity should be balanced.
None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe.

They can just suck it up and deal with real life while they recover like the rest of us have to do
wamama, how are you dealing with life? arent you here receiving support?

He will, mark my words, get totally immersed in this in an unhealthy way.

his drinking was unheatlhy and now what hes doing for recovery is unheatlhy?
for the last month hes done nothing but be kind and respectful, listens to my rages, and in general is trying to make it up
but then say
If he ignores us any longer, I will call it quits

wamama, recovery is extremely early for both of you. 18 years of this isnt going to mysteriously,miraculously be resolved in 1 month. theres probably not gonna be sparkle fartin unicorns under rainbows in a field of daisies for a while. if there ever is.
you work on you, him work on him, and maybe even both of ya's workin on communication( ya's may not even know how to do that)- who knows. maybe good stuff will happen.
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Old 03-01-2018, 03:16 PM
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I could see peace instead of this
 
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Why don't I want him to go to AA? I've read on this forum, and others, and research on the internet, and a few people we know who went through AA, they pretty much have to ignore everything else in life to concentrate on staying sober. And yea I know, don't believe everything you read on the internet. That's why I also talked to real live people.

Why do they get to continue being selfish, and why is it encouraged? They've already had their selfish period long enough, we've been ignored long enough. They can just suck it up and deal with real life while they recover like the rest of us have to do. We are weak too, from years of their selfishness. They got to play and be drunk and blissfully unaware. We are working just as hard as they are. If anyone needs to ignore life for their recovery its the spouses
In my experience, this is not true. Yes, sobriety and recovery need to be a priority, but that does not mean ignoring everything else in life to stay sober. The first time I sobered up, I was fortunate enough to go through rehab and then on to sober living so I could focus on my recovery, but when I got sober again after my relapse, I had to suck it up and deal with real life while going back to meetings and working on getting well. I still had to take care of a household, pay the bills, and all that other fun stuff.

It's referred to as a selfish program because of the priority in life recovery must have--without sobriety what good am I to anyone else?

Working on my recovery-- practicing the 12 steps enabled me to be present and considerate of others, to be able to shoulder my responsibilities in life like I should have been doing; not continuing on my merry way with no consideration of those things.

AA can give him a chance at a better life and contented sobriety, similar to how AlAnon will give you a chance for a better and more contented life too.
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Old 03-01-2018, 03:34 PM
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While I totally understand your mindset (when is it MY turn!?!) you’re dependent on him for the break and unfortunately you can’t do this. Al-Anon teaches you this. You are holding lots of resentment (and rightfully so!) but with his “addictive personality” and being a... just plain selfish person in general... AA will most likely become his newest “addiction”. Don’t expect that to change. That’s why we preach Al Anon a lot here... that’s for YOU not him and teaches you tools to not look at his issues/recovery as forming your own person. Unfortunately what you are seeking has very little chance of him becoming what would finally make you happy with him. Al Anon helps you understand and move on with that.
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Old 03-01-2018, 03:42 PM
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Wamama....one more thought...don't furture-trip yourself into a state of panic.
Much of what we anticipate doesn't even happen. Most all of us have cracks in our crystal balls....
You don't know for sure what would happen if he went to AA.
Fears are feelings...but, they are not necessarily , facts.....
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Old 03-01-2018, 05:23 PM
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You guys are AWESOME. Thank you for setting me straight. Tomsteve, I did read that part in the big book. That's what it says, but that's not what I heard from the (limited I guess) people I talked to. Or what I've read. But, Ill take your word for it b/c you've been there.

Everyone tells me not to depend on him for a break. I don't have a choice right now. We can barely pay rent, there's no way we can make it. I called the DV hotline, I've called 211 for resources. My job wouldnt even cover the horrendous high rent here. The hardest part is our teen kid. He has Autism and Bipolar and when he gets really upset and loses control, he bites his hands until they bleed and slams his head into walls. It takes both of us to control him so he doesn't seriously hurt himself. When we see he is having a really bad day my RAH is able to stay home just in case. It doesn't happen often, but when it does one of us alone can't handle him. The last time RAH was home alone with him and kid lost control, my husband ended up with bruises everywhere and several bruised ribs. We work very closely with a specialist for him, but it takes time for him to learn the skills needed to be safe. I don't know how to make this work. For now, Ill sit with what everyone has said here and like Dandylion has said, don't borrow trouble. He's really trying, it might work out.
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Old 03-01-2018, 05:55 PM
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I have always looked at AA as a place for my husband to be accountable to other people going through the same struggle. It is also a place that he can open up and tell people how he is really doing in an anonymous way.

Looking back to 5 years ago, I just wished that Martians would suck all of the alcohol out of the area, close all the bars and alcohol stores, and ad execs would not put the beer commercials on the air. But we know that it is not going to happen anytime soon.

We live in a society where drinking is very socially based when someone turns 21 years of age, and it keeps being a party for people. The problem is that it is a nightmare for some families.

I think for my husband that bar was just a way to deal with his own loneliness and anxiety in life. It was a way to fit in. So his life is different now. He drinks a lot of coffee. He likes smoothies. He cannot really hang out with other dads and drink beer any longer.

I went to a couple of AA meetings with my husband. It was interesting. I just identified that I was there in support of my husband.

I also want to let you know that there is a Autism Parents Support & Discussion Group on Facebook. My daughter is on the spectrum for Autism, and I am part of this group.

As well, there are other support groups for parents who have kids that are bipolar on Facebook.
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Old 03-01-2018, 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 View Post
We work very closely with a specialist for him, but it takes time for him to learn the skills needed to be safe.
This is also what recovery is like. Once I got serious(honest to myself and others here and in AA) about my recovery I felt like a child learning to 'live again'. I'm early 40's and it took me about 8 months to have the mentality of I'd say a 26yr old. AA didn't consume me,but it did change the person I had become via drinking/drugging for years.
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Old 03-01-2018, 10:37 PM
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I admire that you can have compassion and understanding for your husband. I want to be there some day. Its only been six weeks, but Im not there yet. I still just want to punch him every time I see him.



Originally Posted by PrettyViolets View Post
I have always looked at AA as a place for my husband to be accountable to other people going through the same struggle. It is also a place that he can open up and tell people how he is really doing in an anonymous way.

Looking back to 5 years ago, I just wished that Martians would suck all of the alcohol out of the area, close all the bars and alcohol stores, and ad execs would not put the beer commercials on the air. But we know that it is not going to happen anytime soon.

We live in a society where drinking is very socially based when someone turns 21 years of age, and it keeps being a party for people. The problem is that it is a nightmare for some families.

I think for my husband that bar was just a way to deal with his own loneliness and anxiety in life. It was a way to fit in. So his life is different now. He drinks a lot of coffee. He likes smoothies. He cannot really hang out with other dads and drink beer any longer.

I went to a couple of AA meetings with my husband. It was interesting. I just identified that I was there in support of my husband.

I also want to let you know that there is a Autism Parents Support & Discussion Group on Facebook. My daughter is on the spectrum for Autism, and I am part of this group.

As well, there are other support groups for parents who have kids that are bipolar on Facebook.
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Old 03-01-2018, 11:52 PM
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Wamama, you have been through much heartache not entirely of your own making, and the source of much of it has in your mind been your AH.
I have been where you are, full of anger, resentment, bitterness the 'life is so unfair' esp when he stopped drinking 1.5 years ago, started to go to the gym, swimming etc. I thought, how come I still get to do the same stuff over and over and he gets to live this 'new life' while I am still in the same place, hurt and feeling miserable. Only in the last 6 months have I had an epiphany and due to reading and listening to alanon stuff ( I do not have a group as none where I live) that the problem was not him, the problem was me. Yes he did all the terrible things to me when he was drinking, has fallen off the wagon, lied, etc but I put myself in a place of absolute misery, believing I must be responsible for everything including him and the consequences of his behavior. I was co-dependent big time. I am now slowly learning to detach, I can spend time with him and just be. I have learned to put the focus on me, what is wrong with the way I react for example. Once if he fell off the wagon, I would nose dive into depression, stress, tears, now because I have detached it would probably upset me but i know i cannot control him, cannot change him, cannot cure him in any shape or form, I hand him over to God to do His will. I will not cover for him, will not clean up for him. I also reserve the right to walk away, that is my prerogative, my escape clause, I do not have to stay, that is also yours.
I know you have the additional stress of a special needs child so I implore you to take all the help you can get for yourself from Al-anon, do the steps, come here on SR and also seek help for assistance with your child. If your RAH is there well and good but do not depend on him. Live your life free of the mental cage we put ourselves in when having an alcoholic in our lives
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Old 03-02-2018, 07:05 AM
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they pretty much have to ignore everything else in life to concentrate on staying sober.
I hear a great deal of hurt and resentment in your post and certainly understand why you feel these things. And some relationships suffer too much damage to be put right. Alanon can be a lifesaver because instead of focusing on the addict we learn to deal with our own issues.

I'm also glad you're not expressing your distaste for AA to him because it may save his life (as it did mine). The first year or so I was consumed with meetings, sponsor, steps, etc. but then discovered an amazing life. After 26 years AA boils down to three meetings per week; it's only part of who I am.
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Old 03-02-2018, 11:43 AM
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Recovery is super selfish. It ticked me off too when my XAH went to rehab, then took off almost an entire year after. Wow.

I wish I had something that would require me to go on a little retreat for 30 days then have the time to focus intently on ME.

I think it comes down to many, many times drinking is not the only issue. You have to figure out what is a deal breaker, and be strong enough to follow through. It's hard.
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Old 03-02-2018, 11:49 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Recovery is super selfish. .
something i heard early on:
i had to be selfish and fix me before i could be selfless and help others.
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