Dutchy36

Hello,

My first anxious post....

Me and my husband have been together for 10 years, 3 beautiful young daughters. Before the drinking, he was never a light drinker but it wasn't a problem until 4 years ago when the brain damage, seizures and abuse set in.

Before the alcohol became a problem we had an amazing marriage and relationship. We travelled, we laughed, we supported and enhanced each other. He's the best father and birthing partner anyone could want.

4 years ago it all went wrong and in January things got so bad that he got himself into rehab and he was there for 3 weeks. The evening before he went in he saif he hoped I would continue my investment in him as he is doing this not only for himself but also for the family (there was a threat of social services by the GP after which he moved to his mum until he went into rehab). He came out last week and is refusing to move back home (we did move in December), refusing to talk about our relationship. We spend a few hours last weekend together where he tried to explain that he doesn't know himself anymore, gets a lot of bad memories and has self loathing but is adamant to make it work and is attending AA every day. He goes back to work the day after next after having been away for 5 weeks. He is withdrawn, goes silent for days and the day after he came out of rehab he has said that he's not sure whether he wants to have a family and marriage anymore. When we had 2 long talks together (he wants to keep it superficial as he wants us to talk with mediation) he started wearing his wedding ring and said that it's not just a technical thing but that he wants us to work towards being and staying together and we walked home hand in hand and joking and having a good time. I felt more at ease and hoped we could rebuold our marriage and relationship from scratch which could be fun in itself.

This week there was a problem with the council for our daughters school and he got annoyed and irritated and resorted to his old shouting behaviour for which he apologised after attending AA. I dared ask about our marriage 2 days ago and he got irritated. He said he didn't have any answers for me but doesn't want to make any rash decisions.

He was quiet until this morning when I contacted him because our girls told me they miss him and they wanted to see daddy. He is coming round on Saturday to help with a kids party but there is no time for us 2 to go off as he wants tonspend most of Sunday with his AA friends.

Am I stupid to want to be a part of tht side of his life too? I want to be there for him and support him but his distance, not having answers, not knowing when he will move back in ( he currently stays with his mum) and his doubts or no doubts about out marriage is making me really insecure. i'm willing to talk things through, give him time and start comoletely anew but wonder if he does aswell. I expected a lot of different scenarios after rehav but not the possibility of him walking away from our family. Even though he gets angry and upset when I say I will move back to the Netherlands with the girls if that happens.

I am attending my first Al Anon meeting on Tuesday and have been in therapy myself for the last 6 weeks in order to deal with the last 4 years.

Maudcat

Hi, Dutchy.
Welcome to SR.
Very sorry for your sadness and your situation.
It isn’t uncommon for the things you describe to occur after rehab.
We are all over the place in early sobriety, and sometimes it takes everything we have to stay in recovery, with little left over for others.
Your life, your husband’s life, and your daughters’ lives have been affected by his drinking. You will have to build a new normal.
That he is going to AA is good. People who work a recovery plan have a greater chance of staying sober.
I think more will be revealed in time.
As difficult as it is, I would take a step back, let him work his recovery, and you concentrate on sources of support for you and your children.
Definitely go to Al-Anon. It is a terrific source of support.
Again, I am very sorry for your situation. We put a lot of faith in rehab, hoping the person will come back to being his or her self, but that doesn’t always happen.
Good luck.

Dutchy36

Hi Maudcat,

Thank you for your reply, it does help and I've done a lot of reading about people in early recovery though I don't find many who retract from their family.

The days before he went to rehab he said he was doing this for himself but also for all of us and they he hoped I would keep investing in him and our future amd things seem so different since he came out. I think, in one way, it would be easier if he hadn't dropped the bomb about not being sure whether he wants 'all of this anymore'. I would've felt more comfortable to let him do his thing.

I didn't give up on the person I married with all my heart and I would love to work hard to work through everything and start all over again. I hope he doesn't give up on us and the girls, they miss him terribly and that breaks my heart. I know that there is a risk he might relapse but we also cannot live our lives preparing for that.

I try not to contact him too much but let him do the reaching out and a few days in a row he would text to say he had AA, that he is on his way to his mums and that he hoes we are ok. He hasn't done that for a day now.

tomsteve

Thank you for your reply, it does help and I've done a lot of reading about people in early recovery though I don't find many who retract from their family.

it happens quite a bit more than what ya read. its not uncommon and here is the main reason why:
he doesn't know himself anymore

years of drinking can do that to alcoholics. it can take a long time to straighten out mentally,emotionally, and spiritually.

Gm0824

Hi Dutchy, good on you for reaching out instead of letting those worries fester internally. I do not have any experience to offer with a spouse in recovery, as mine never sought any help. I do understand how difficult it is to separate the memories you have with a spouse before addiction took over. You have come to a great, supportive place for yourself. I hope you keep posting. You are not alone.

GM

biminiblue

..and the part of the brain that controls impulsivity and emotional sobriety is negatively affected by longterm or excessive alcohol use.

In early sobriety I didn't even want to talk to other humans. It took a few months before my jumpy, irrational thinking settled down. It's very early days for him. I think expect at least six months of him really not being able to make many decisions rationally.

I hope you can be patient, it sounds like you want to keep your family together and I hope he comes around - and stays sober. That is the hard part.

Dutchy36

Thanknyou again for all your replies, it's great I can put my concerns and thoughts down and people know what I mean before I say it. I really appreciate all your respnses!

I have been through 4 years of hell. Taking the girls to other places as the emotionally abusive alcoholic took over wnd it wasn't good for us to be around him. Our eldest is now just 5. I know he loges his girls to buts but she was sitting on the sofa today wanting to do nothing because she missed daddy. I miss him too. The non drinking person which we have seen glimpses of in the last 4 years and I think that's what kept me fighting for us. If he would've been abusive all the time I would have left. It's also horrible to see that when he has a seizure, ends in hospital or has a focal seizure and loses time in his life, he really was hurt by it but couldn't stop himself.

I have a feeling he was depressed before rehab but now he seems constantly on edge. I understand it's a daily struggle for him with horrible memories of horrible things he's done and he had to deal with it.

I just wih (and probably don't understand well enough) why he would push us away when he said he was doing this for all of us and we were walking hand in with rings back on last Saturday? He told me he has no ckue whobhe is and I would love to support him in finding himself but how do I get him to open up orbwill he jist atay closed and walk off like the last 10 years weren't real? I would hate for us to lose a really good and close relationship and for the girls, who are clearly struggling with daddy not being home and they just want him close (should I tell him?), to lose a really good and fun father (I hit the jackpot with him but only when he is sober).

Dutchy36

Yes I would love to keep my family together and I hope he does too. I'm really scared right now that I'm just waiting to be told in a few months that he doesn't want to anymore. He said himself that he doesn't feel much at the moment but misses me and the girls. It's contradictory what he tells me from one day to the other. I know he is also on edge about going back to work and wonders what people will think.

Also he can't stay with his mum forever can he?

trailmix

Hi Dutchy, sorry you are in such a troubling situation.

You mention that he was never a light drinker and then alcoholism took hold. Were you thinking that if he went to rehab he could come out as the - not so light drinker - person, the person you shared a happy relationship with?

Thing is, this addiction to alcohol might have been there for a while? it changes the functioning of the brain, not just thought patterns, it physically changes the way the brain works.

There is lots of information here on SR about that if you want to go in to detail, but my point is - heavy drinker - alcoholic - sober.

Sober is very different to heavy drinker. That's where he is now. His brain is changing, his outlook is changing and that has got to be so confusing. It's understandable that he's having a hard time with solid thinking about anything.

Does that make your life easier? Absolutely not. At the very least he would seem to be being honest with you, that's a great start a great foundation.

I wish you both well.

Dutchy36

Thank you trailmix! I hope it will be the start of a new foundation.

I did nkt expect him to come out the same. Or the person I was with before. Too mamy hurtful things have happened nefore that but I was hoping or thinking anout a new clean slate where we would start completely new.

You are right, I guess maybe I should habe known there was something going on from thr beginning. I am Dutch and he is British and the common perception is, wrongly or rightly, that British people are 'all' heavy drinkers. Always in the pub after work with a pint and during lunchtime. We used to see it on holiday too. British people drunk and sunburt. This is not true for every Brit of course but it may have distorted my observations.

Still until 4 years ago the alcohol didn't seem a problem as we were happy, we enhanced each other and he is an amazing father.

He had a very difficult childhood. His parents divorced when he was 3, his father used to hit him and his mother was more busy with work than her children. He never had an outlet for his emotions and got into the wrong crowds and the wrong friends. And the there is me who comes from a stable loving family, we talk about everything, we are very close. Our girls have a great relationship with my family even though they are in the Netherlands and we are in London. My husband started opening up to me amd we build on that. He jas also said he finds it difficult as he wants the closeness I have with my family but his parents barely have an interest in our girls.

I think he's had issues with that too. He wanted to be the perfect father. Thrn we bought a house we didn't know had an amazing amount of horrible things wrong with it even though we paid for surveys which said nothing. We ended up living in a hotel for 5 months with 2 very young children and that is when the drinking really started in 2014 as we were also dealing with cowboy builders who took our things, and left. That is when he started to drink all night, work all day and go back to drinking and left me with the girls and to sort out the house. We sold said house in November last year and were supposed to move to the Netherlands which didn't happen as the transfer was cut off.

I do think it's great he is honest, I hope to buoid a completely new relationship on it. I just can't get over the fact that he is distant, doesn't want to come home (new house) and says he doesn't know whether he wants to be with me. It makes it an emotional, insecure rollercoaster. And I hope and pray he won't give up on us as we haven't given up on him.

I'm sorry for my long posts, I finally foind a place where people understand me and I feel a bit better reading all the replies.

Dutchy36

Maybe I should add that I am a non drinker. It has never interested me and I can't seem to find or taste the nuances in wine or beer. To me it all tastes the same.....and it doesn't taste very nice. Even a Baileys burns in my throat.

I do like cooking and baking. Something my husband and me used tono together and he is a very good cook of Asian food.

Again sorry for my rambling.

trailmix

Dutchy just wanted to say that I didn't mean to imply that you should have seen this coming, or anything like that, just so you know. Just wasn't sure what your expectations were about him when he returned from rehab.

Yes, that's the thing, alcoholism is progressive. Aside from the pull of the alcoholism (the actual craving for alcohol), alcoholics build up a tolerance to it so they need to drink more and more to have any kind of effect, which is true of many drugs.

As it is progressive, if he hadn't sought help, it would have become progressively worse, so it's good he has gone for treatment and I hope it's successful for him.

As for his apparent change in attitude, it's very early in recovery for him still, the burden of losing alcohol is HUGE, that's something he's relied on for a long time and now it's just gone. No drowning feelings, no escaping, no comfort in a bottle, add in cravings etc, how can he think straight and how can he stop focusing on himself long enough to be concerned about you all. I know it must be incredibly hurtful and confusing for you and it seems very selfish and it is, however the alternative is him going further down that road.

All you can do is give him time and look after yourself and your children.

ubntubnt

Hi Duchy, I am myself in the very, very early stages of recovery right now and it sure ain't easy. In fact, its certainly the most difficult thing I have ever done. And, I consider myself lucky that while it had gotten bad I quit before it would have gotten a lot worse.

These early days are full of emotions, sometimes really great clarity and positivity and then followed by cravings and anxiety, lack of sleep, boredom, then panic about dealing with a sober life. So much stuff flying around and all the time just trying anything not to drink. Whatever works.

Your husband needs to work through all of this before he can take rational decisions with the kind of clarity you take for granted as a non drinker. Also, from your perspective it seems important to know that he is and has worked through all of that before important decisions are being taken.

It seems with actions taken thus far that you both have a chance but its really early days and maybe, as others have said, it better at this stage to let him work the process and recover and hen you can sit down together and see what you feel is right. Good luck!

Dutchy36

You make complete sense. I am just struggling with bomb he dropped a day after being released from rehab that he doesn't know if wants to be married with a family anymore which makes it difficult to let him do his thing as well as him not living at home. He has said his whole life is unknown to him now and he has horrible memories popping in and out of his head and there are memories I have that he doesn't. I thought that part of the recovery was to rebuild family relationships as well.

His health was deteriorating fast! He drank himself severe frontal lobe brain damage and epileptic seizures. I've been through dozens of grand mal and focal seizures as well as absences where his face is contorting and he falls asleep after all of it. He was on thew way to death and never took any of it seriously until now I think.

honeypig

He cannot rebuild ANYTHING until he has something to build ON and WITH. He has neither right now. He absolutely cannot give what he simply does not have.

Recovery is not like taking your car to the mechanic to get it fixed. It's not like a faulty part is removed and replaced, and now things are as good as new once the alcohol is out of the A's system. There is so much more to it, like learning ways to cope with life that don't involve numbing oneself.

And this applies to us on the Alanon/codie side of the fence as well as to the A in our lives.

Are you familiar w/the recovery phrase "looking for bread at the hardware store"? If not, take a moment and check into it. I'd say you're standing in the plumbing supplies aisle right now...I recognize that b/c I spent a lot of time roaming between electrical and automotive, and I never found that bread either.

Dutchy36

That's a good saying actually. I guess I'm trying to find some bread, help and answers here as well as in my therapy sessions.

NYCDoglvr

Getting sober is pure hell and I'm sure he feels awful. Alanon is a great idea and the more space you can give him the better it will be for both of you. Support him from a distance: he knows you and the children care so just let him know you're on his side without asking for reassurances. A big hug.

Dutchy36

Thank you