Just numb-should I keep trying?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: New York,NY
Posts: 5
Just numb-should I keep trying?
Hello Everyone. It has been a few months since I posted last. You all were so supportive, I don't know how I could have made it through without finding this site. Now, for an update...
Back in May, I had finally realized that my boyfriend was an alcoholic. We had been together a year and a half, and because we didn't live together it took me a long time to put it all together. After he sobered up from an especially rough night, I told him that I thought that he needed help. Then about two months ago, he binged for 8 days-with his mom calling the police to get ahold of him since none of us could reach him by telephone. Then he swore to get help. This is when I first found this site.
At first, I went to the counselor with him, and things seemed alright. Then he started making excuses about why he wasn't going. He apartment-sat for me three weeks ago when I attended a meeting out of town. When I called, he denied having been drinking but sounded drunk. When I got home there were wine spills all over the apartment, but he still claimed abstinence. I spoke with his mom about the mess and his lies, and she came up to find him in withdrawal-including hallucinations, inability to eat. On top of everything else, he had a black eye that he didn't know where it came from.
She took him to the ER,and they took him in an ambulance to a detox facility. He was there for a week and then had a week in rehab (inpatient)-but is out today because he said that his insurance wouldn't pay for more. While at the facility, he called almost every day-telling me that he was doing it for him, and also for "us", etc. The thing is, I have been numb towards him since May-but have stayed in the relationship because his mom begged me to stand by him if he was willing to get help, and I was worried that he would do something terrible to himself if I broke it off. I thought that maybe I would feel something once he sought treatment. Now, he apparently is getting treatment, but I feel nothing. I don't trust him-not even when he tells me about the insurance, etc- I am just numb! Have any of you been through this?
I don't know if I can "be there for him" right now-I feel empty. I feel like I just want to take time for myself-to be by myself. There is also some guilt about these feelings, but I cannot make myself feel those warm, romantic feelings toward him that I used to have. I just feel like I have been in "damage control mode", trying to hold on for six months, and going through the motions. I haven't even been able to cry over any of this-as soon as I start to tear-up, it just stops-like a switch is flipped, and then I go back to numbness. I just am not myself, and it scares me. I just cannot keep feeling this way.
Well, thanks for listening. Any words of wisdom that you could give me would be terrific. Also, it would be great if any of you have had similar feelings and would be willing to share that with me.
Sincerely,
Melanie
Back in May, I had finally realized that my boyfriend was an alcoholic. We had been together a year and a half, and because we didn't live together it took me a long time to put it all together. After he sobered up from an especially rough night, I told him that I thought that he needed help. Then about two months ago, he binged for 8 days-with his mom calling the police to get ahold of him since none of us could reach him by telephone. Then he swore to get help. This is when I first found this site.
At first, I went to the counselor with him, and things seemed alright. Then he started making excuses about why he wasn't going. He apartment-sat for me three weeks ago when I attended a meeting out of town. When I called, he denied having been drinking but sounded drunk. When I got home there were wine spills all over the apartment, but he still claimed abstinence. I spoke with his mom about the mess and his lies, and she came up to find him in withdrawal-including hallucinations, inability to eat. On top of everything else, he had a black eye that he didn't know where it came from.
She took him to the ER,and they took him in an ambulance to a detox facility. He was there for a week and then had a week in rehab (inpatient)-but is out today because he said that his insurance wouldn't pay for more. While at the facility, he called almost every day-telling me that he was doing it for him, and also for "us", etc. The thing is, I have been numb towards him since May-but have stayed in the relationship because his mom begged me to stand by him if he was willing to get help, and I was worried that he would do something terrible to himself if I broke it off. I thought that maybe I would feel something once he sought treatment. Now, he apparently is getting treatment, but I feel nothing. I don't trust him-not even when he tells me about the insurance, etc- I am just numb! Have any of you been through this?
I don't know if I can "be there for him" right now-I feel empty. I feel like I just want to take time for myself-to be by myself. There is also some guilt about these feelings, but I cannot make myself feel those warm, romantic feelings toward him that I used to have. I just feel like I have been in "damage control mode", trying to hold on for six months, and going through the motions. I haven't even been able to cry over any of this-as soon as I start to tear-up, it just stops-like a switch is flipped, and then I go back to numbness. I just am not myself, and it scares me. I just cannot keep feeling this way.
Well, thanks for listening. Any words of wisdom that you could give me would be terrific. Also, it would be great if any of you have had similar feelings and would be willing to share that with me.
Sincerely,
Melanie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Melanie,
When we get numb, it's our body's way of telling us it's time to take a break. Numb means you can't feel your feelings, and you need to be able to do that to move onto where you need to go.
Take a break.
Take a long, hot bath.
Take a nap.
Take some time to do something you love.
It is only by nurturing ourselves that we can rekindle the spirit that we somehow lost along the way.
Gabe
When we get numb, it's our body's way of telling us it's time to take a break. Numb means you can't feel your feelings, and you need to be able to do that to move onto where you need to go.
Take a break.
Take a long, hot bath.
Take a nap.
Take some time to do something you love.
It is only by nurturing ourselves that we can rekindle the spirit that we somehow lost along the way.
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 24
(((Melanie))) I feel just as you do sometimes. I want to just break down and ball my eyes out and maybe I would feel better afterwards (like when you're nauseous and all it takes is throwng up to feel better.) But, like you, it just won't come all the way out. It's like my defense kicks in automatically and tells my body I have to hold it together for my kids' sake. Afterall, it hurts more if you think about it too long, right? Guess we both have a lot to work on here. I applaud you for posting, and I know how much better you feel for doing so.
((((BIG HUGS))))
((((BIG HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Melanie -
You don't owe anyone more than you are capable of giving. If you truly loved this guy that would be one thing but it sounds as if his addiction and his behavior have killed those feelings in you. Gabe, is right. You need a break whether it be temporary or permanent. It is time to take care of Melanie. His mother is being so unfair to you by asking you to accept the responsibility for him. Only he can decide to quit drinking. Nothing you do or don't do is going to change him. Take a deep breath and try to "feel" what YOU need. That is far more important than what everyone thinks that he needs.
Big hugs, Jo
You don't owe anyone more than you are capable of giving. If you truly loved this guy that would be one thing but it sounds as if his addiction and his behavior have killed those feelings in you. Gabe, is right. You need a break whether it be temporary or permanent. It is time to take care of Melanie. His mother is being so unfair to you by asking you to accept the responsibility for him. Only he can decide to quit drinking. Nothing you do or don't do is going to change him. Take a deep breath and try to "feel" what YOU need. That is far more important than what everyone thinks that he needs.
Big hugs, Jo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I know this might sound harsh, but thank God you're not married to him. Maybe the reason you are numb is because you have no feelings for him one way or the other. There really isn't a relationship here. Lucky you! I say move on. Life comes with enough problems -- don't take on any new ones if you don't have to. I would consider this a bullet dodged.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I know exactly how you feel. Feeling numb, not having loving feelings towards him anymore, not even feeling comfortable being in the same room with him. It's amazing how A's can destroy everything in their path (including themselves) and not even be aware of it. You've got to be good to yourself and no matter what anyone else tells you, if you need to be alone then be alone. You've had a lot to deal with and it sounds as if you're emotionally exhausted. And I agree - thank God you didn't marry this guy - take it from someone who's married to a RAGING A!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: New York,NY
Posts: 5
Thank you
Hello Everyone,
Thank you all so much for your supportive words. I feel much better knowing that this isn't something that is just "wrong with me"-that it is something that others have felt also.
I keep feeling guilt about wanting to leave now that he is supposedly getting help, but I have been just hanging on, going through the motions, for six months straight. I just feel empty-like there is nothing else in me to give to anyone else. Like I said, it terrifies me-I am usually a passionate, caring, loving person, but now I have even had friends pull me aside to tell me that they don't recognize me anymore.
Yes, I do count myself lucky that we aren't married. Beyond that, I don't see myself ever trusting him enough, believing in him enough to marry him in the future. I suppose that gives me my answer.
Thank you all again. I am hoping that one of these days I am able to be helpful to you all.
Sincerely,
Melanie
Thank you all so much for your supportive words. I feel much better knowing that this isn't something that is just "wrong with me"-that it is something that others have felt also.
I keep feeling guilt about wanting to leave now that he is supposedly getting help, but I have been just hanging on, going through the motions, for six months straight. I just feel empty-like there is nothing else in me to give to anyone else. Like I said, it terrifies me-I am usually a passionate, caring, loving person, but now I have even had friends pull me aside to tell me that they don't recognize me anymore.
Yes, I do count myself lucky that we aren't married. Beyond that, I don't see myself ever trusting him enough, believing in him enough to marry him in the future. I suppose that gives me my answer.
Thank you all again. I am hoping that one of these days I am able to be helpful to you all.
Sincerely,
Melanie
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Melanie,
Good grief, don't ever give up. There are stages to every dysfunction. Numbness ranks close to the top. I think it's because we feel hopeless for ourselves and the A.
Have you tried alanon meetings? They're a great support. Also, posting here. Ain't they a wonderful group of people????
You also don't need to feel guilty about leaving. You're leaving the disease. It's up to him to take care of himself. You're not his Mom and you can't do anything for him. Just for yourself.
Anyway, you might think about getting someone else to house sit for you. Partner or no partner, leaving someone in your home while you're gone and not knowing how they're going to treat your domain, is a scary thought. I could tell you a horror story,
but I won't. But it did involved a woman newly married and her husband and an empty house.
Get some help for yourself.
Blessings, Kathy
Good grief, don't ever give up. There are stages to every dysfunction. Numbness ranks close to the top. I think it's because we feel hopeless for ourselves and the A.
Have you tried alanon meetings? They're a great support. Also, posting here. Ain't they a wonderful group of people????
You also don't need to feel guilty about leaving. You're leaving the disease. It's up to him to take care of himself. You're not his Mom and you can't do anything for him. Just for yourself.
Anyway, you might think about getting someone else to house sit for you. Partner or no partner, leaving someone in your home while you're gone and not knowing how they're going to treat your domain, is a scary thought. I could tell you a horror story,
but I won't. But it did involved a woman newly married and her husband and an empty house.Get some help for yourself.
Blessings, Kathy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
Hi Melanie...take care of you..what ever you need to do...Its about you. I know it is hard...but you are a very important person and all you can do is take care of yourself...its all you have control over and you are the only one you can count on. Please take care of you!!! Whether you stay or leave...do it for you and whatever you decide to do...know you are a very strong person..we all are...each day we live with things are are so difficult beyond words......
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