Desperately trying to understand where my life has gone so drastically wrong!
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 1
Desperately trying to understand where my life has gone so drastically wrong!
First of all this is my first post so please bare with me.
My nightmare started nearly 4 years ago. My seemingly perfect husband of 13 years at the time was caught out by me, Taking cocaine in our house, in the middle of the night, whilst me and our 4 children were in bed. To cut a long story short looking back his behaviour had been off for a while. I thought he was having an affair as I caught him hiding his phone down the bed. It turned out it was a message to a local dealer Letting him know that he’d dropped a bag of coke off round our back garden. I exploded in rage, I was actually gob smacked, this couldn’t have been further away from the type of man my husband was. I threw him out and he ran to stay with family away. I was so horrified I couldn’t tell my parents or anyone as I was so worried about what everyone would think. I told his family and they brought him back. We had a long talk and he confessed to pretty much everything. That he’d tried it out one at Christmas on a work party and liked it. So he’d do it once a month when he got paid on a Thursday as he knew it would be out of his system by Monday for work. Always in the night, in our house whilst we were asleep. I went with him to drug counselling and the woman we seen didn’t seem to think that was an addiction despite him doing this every month for 8 months. He made out to her that he was depressed but he never actually ever suffered with any form of mental illness before he started cocaine, but I guess for them it’s essier to put it down to depression and easier on his concience to blame mental illness rather than addiction.
Anyway loads of stuff has happened in between, my husband developed a severe bad back and the dr gave him strong opiates for it. I noticed that most of the time he was drowsy and I suspected that he was probably using a lot more than he was prescribed. I mentioned my queries but it was always “you’re paranoid! I have a bad back” I was so tempted to phone the drs to tell them he was abusing but he always begged me not to, telling friends and family that he was too scared to take medicine for his back as I’d be watching him. Basically long after his back got better he was still caining the back meds. I also caught him asking a friend from work if he could get him any coke on a message. Yet again he was going to take illegal drugs in my house with my kids. So I took him back to the drug counsellor this time he was resistant to go and almost had hatred towards me for being annoyed with him. Once again I felt like he was taking the pi** out of us!
I’m trying to get to the point but there is so much to it.
Every time I suspect him of taking drugs, I go mad, he gets defensive and he runs away to stay with friends or family and I’m left holding the fort with four kids in tow. Things have changed recently and I have to beg him to come home. I try to pusuade him to do the right thing and get help. He comes home, promises to never do it again. I believe him, as deep down I know he loves us as he’s always been the most amazing husband and father that you could hope for. Just something drastically changed the minute he tried coke.
The dr put him on subutex for his withdrawals from opiates, but I’m still paranoid at him using coke as you just know when people you love are on it.
I went to buy a cat and took the cat carrier with me and when I got home I found a pretty much empty bag of coke in the carrier. He was ashamed and said it must have been there from ages ago and genuinely looked disgusted. Just lately within the last year his mood has changed, I can’t stress how lovely my husband used to be, he was kind, compassionate and caring. But randomly he started getting jealous over people I’d slept with before I met him, saying my number was too many (I’ve slept with 12) before him not that I’d ever hid it. I took him back to the drs where he confessed to the dr (he says) about all the addiction etc and he put it down to clinical depression. He vowed to change everything, he took a month off work on the sick to start antidepressants and didn’t touch a drop of alcohol. He got moved in work as he wasn’t happy. So I was impressed that finally things were looking up. His mood had changed dramatically for the better, then randomly again he brought up my past and that was what topped it off,
I threatened to leave and take the kids, he cried and begged me not to go, he said it finally dawned on him what he’d done to me and I felt sorry for him. He cried all night and I’ve never seen that real kind of emotion in him since probably all this drug business started. He said he felt like his heart had been ripped out. I thought finally my prayers had been answered. Fast forward to last Friday. I found out I was pregnant with baby number 5 and I freaked out about it. I was worried that it was too soon after all the falling out etc and was worried what people would think. He reassured me that everything was gonna be ok and despite everything the baby was made out of love. He said maybe that would be the thing that finally got him to sort himself out. He then roughly an hour later popped to the shop and came home off his face. He lied when questioned about what he had instead of reassuring me like he used to, he now gets angry and threatens to leave me, which terrifies me. He also makes me feel like I’m being paranoid as he swears in our kids lives he hadn’t touched anything. Basically I made the decision that I can’t do it anymore. It’s bad enough living with a liar and a drug user who despite everything still uses drugs when he’s in the house with our kids. Two days later I found an empty pen with what looked like snot in it, with some bloody tissues in the back garden, he must have thrown them out of the bathroom window on the Friday when I went to confront him. What should I do now? I’m pregnant, hysterical, looking after 4 kids alone and I can’t stop crying I’m devastated as to why he’s done this to us again! He is now in denial as he gets angry with me and makes out like somehow this is my fault because I get angry when I confront him. He also said he’s questioning if he does really love me, since I keep saying to him “ if you really loved me you wouldn’t keep doing this” although he said he knows that he does. But the urge randomly comes over to use and it takes over everything else.
My nightmare started nearly 4 years ago. My seemingly perfect husband of 13 years at the time was caught out by me, Taking cocaine in our house, in the middle of the night, whilst me and our 4 children were in bed. To cut a long story short looking back his behaviour had been off for a while. I thought he was having an affair as I caught him hiding his phone down the bed. It turned out it was a message to a local dealer Letting him know that he’d dropped a bag of coke off round our back garden. I exploded in rage, I was actually gob smacked, this couldn’t have been further away from the type of man my husband was. I threw him out and he ran to stay with family away. I was so horrified I couldn’t tell my parents or anyone as I was so worried about what everyone would think. I told his family and they brought him back. We had a long talk and he confessed to pretty much everything. That he’d tried it out one at Christmas on a work party and liked it. So he’d do it once a month when he got paid on a Thursday as he knew it would be out of his system by Monday for work. Always in the night, in our house whilst we were asleep. I went with him to drug counselling and the woman we seen didn’t seem to think that was an addiction despite him doing this every month for 8 months. He made out to her that he was depressed but he never actually ever suffered with any form of mental illness before he started cocaine, but I guess for them it’s essier to put it down to depression and easier on his concience to blame mental illness rather than addiction.
Anyway loads of stuff has happened in between, my husband developed a severe bad back and the dr gave him strong opiates for it. I noticed that most of the time he was drowsy and I suspected that he was probably using a lot more than he was prescribed. I mentioned my queries but it was always “you’re paranoid! I have a bad back” I was so tempted to phone the drs to tell them he was abusing but he always begged me not to, telling friends and family that he was too scared to take medicine for his back as I’d be watching him. Basically long after his back got better he was still caining the back meds. I also caught him asking a friend from work if he could get him any coke on a message. Yet again he was going to take illegal drugs in my house with my kids. So I took him back to the drug counsellor this time he was resistant to go and almost had hatred towards me for being annoyed with him. Once again I felt like he was taking the pi** out of us!
I’m trying to get to the point but there is so much to it.
Every time I suspect him of taking drugs, I go mad, he gets defensive and he runs away to stay with friends or family and I’m left holding the fort with four kids in tow. Things have changed recently and I have to beg him to come home. I try to pusuade him to do the right thing and get help. He comes home, promises to never do it again. I believe him, as deep down I know he loves us as he’s always been the most amazing husband and father that you could hope for. Just something drastically changed the minute he tried coke.
The dr put him on subutex for his withdrawals from opiates, but I’m still paranoid at him using coke as you just know when people you love are on it.
I went to buy a cat and took the cat carrier with me and when I got home I found a pretty much empty bag of coke in the carrier. He was ashamed and said it must have been there from ages ago and genuinely looked disgusted. Just lately within the last year his mood has changed, I can’t stress how lovely my husband used to be, he was kind, compassionate and caring. But randomly he started getting jealous over people I’d slept with before I met him, saying my number was too many (I’ve slept with 12) before him not that I’d ever hid it. I took him back to the drs where he confessed to the dr (he says) about all the addiction etc and he put it down to clinical depression. He vowed to change everything, he took a month off work on the sick to start antidepressants and didn’t touch a drop of alcohol. He got moved in work as he wasn’t happy. So I was impressed that finally things were looking up. His mood had changed dramatically for the better, then randomly again he brought up my past and that was what topped it off,
I threatened to leave and take the kids, he cried and begged me not to go, he said it finally dawned on him what he’d done to me and I felt sorry for him. He cried all night and I’ve never seen that real kind of emotion in him since probably all this drug business started. He said he felt like his heart had been ripped out. I thought finally my prayers had been answered. Fast forward to last Friday. I found out I was pregnant with baby number 5 and I freaked out about it. I was worried that it was too soon after all the falling out etc and was worried what people would think. He reassured me that everything was gonna be ok and despite everything the baby was made out of love. He said maybe that would be the thing that finally got him to sort himself out. He then roughly an hour later popped to the shop and came home off his face. He lied when questioned about what he had instead of reassuring me like he used to, he now gets angry and threatens to leave me, which terrifies me. He also makes me feel like I’m being paranoid as he swears in our kids lives he hadn’t touched anything. Basically I made the decision that I can’t do it anymore. It’s bad enough living with a liar and a drug user who despite everything still uses drugs when he’s in the house with our kids. Two days later I found an empty pen with what looked like snot in it, with some bloody tissues in the back garden, he must have thrown them out of the bathroom window on the Friday when I went to confront him. What should I do now? I’m pregnant, hysterical, looking after 4 kids alone and I can’t stop crying I’m devastated as to why he’s done this to us again! He is now in denial as he gets angry with me and makes out like somehow this is my fault because I get angry when I confront him. He also said he’s questioning if he does really love me, since I keep saying to him “ if you really loved me you wouldn’t keep doing this” although he said he knows that he does. But the urge randomly comes over to use and it takes over everything else.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
I'm sorry for your situation.
My advice is to take care of yourself, your children and your unborn child. I hope that your husband will seek support for his addiction, but that will be something he must decide to do for himself. You might check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you. Also, there is a Friends & Families forum on this board, where you will find support.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
My advice is to take care of yourself, your children and your unborn child. I hope that your husband will seek support for his addiction, but that will be something he must decide to do for himself. You might check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you. Also, there is a Friends & Families forum on this board, where you will find support.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 206
First off i sympathise with your position and genuinely hope things get
better. I could only imagine what it's like.
Some advice i can give is on the drug use. I dont know if he gets
scared easily, or if scare tactics are the thing to use, but it might
be worth trying to sit down with him when he's not trashed and
explain how you found the bloody tissues.
Say how concerned you where and that he might not be around
to see the kids grow up. I'm not trying to scare you, but coke
strips the inside of you. It can really damage your nose and other
parts of your body. Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac had a close
call if you know the story.
My health is what stopped me from drinking, and the thought of not being around for loved ones.
Sometimes people need a wake up call, and sometimes it's the only thing
that does it.
I genuinely hope things work themselves out, you did the right thing
posting here, theres a wealth of people who have been through similar
things and are here to listen.
better. I could only imagine what it's like.
Some advice i can give is on the drug use. I dont know if he gets
scared easily, or if scare tactics are the thing to use, but it might
be worth trying to sit down with him when he's not trashed and
explain how you found the bloody tissues.
Say how concerned you where and that he might not be around
to see the kids grow up. I'm not trying to scare you, but coke
strips the inside of you. It can really damage your nose and other
parts of your body. Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac had a close
call if you know the story.
My health is what stopped me from drinking, and the thought of not being around for loved ones.
Sometimes people need a wake up call, and sometimes it's the only thing
that does it.
I genuinely hope things work themselves out, you did the right thing
posting here, theres a wealth of people who have been through similar
things and are here to listen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
What you have to realize is how addiction can change a person. Cocaine especially causes drastic changes in the brain. I used coke in my 20's and was never the same. I went from a generally happy person to someone who couldn't feel pleasure anymore. Melancholy set in and I lost interest in everything. Your husband needs in-patient rehab it sounds like. The brain does heal eventually but the coke has to stop for good.
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