Passive Aggressive Sponsor
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Passive Aggressive Sponsor
Hey guys,
Man it seems like lately i'm wading through some tough seas. I have a sponsor that i feel like has been acting a little passive aggressive toward me. This isn't the first time but lately it's gotten a little rediculous and i'm thinking of cutting ties. I spoke with a buddy of mine and he gets the same passive aggressive from him so i know that its not just me. This guy has lost sponsee's and i think i know why.
Long story short i invited this guy over to my Birthday party on Friday night and he seemed very excited to come and see my new place and finally meet my girlfriend who he says he's been wanting to meet.
As a side note we have a friend whose in the hospital and not doing well. He texted Saturday asking me if i went to see Paul Friday and i said no that my girlfriend had plans and i was going to try and make it over there tomorrow.
I'm saying this because this is the only reason i know of why he didn't wish me a happy birthday or even show to my party. I know this sounds rediculous and i'm driving myself crazy over this. I can't control his actions and what he does (serenity prayer) but c'mon your my sponsor and honestly think that's kind of rude to act like that and totally blow off my birthday.
I'm also supposed to help him work through some financials for a company he is starting but has taken weeks to get the file to me. I now understand that he doesn't want my help but at least tell me.
As i write this i'm realizing what i need to do. Tell him that i'd like to remain friends but put the sponsorship relationship on hold.
Garrison
Man it seems like lately i'm wading through some tough seas. I have a sponsor that i feel like has been acting a little passive aggressive toward me. This isn't the first time but lately it's gotten a little rediculous and i'm thinking of cutting ties. I spoke with a buddy of mine and he gets the same passive aggressive from him so i know that its not just me. This guy has lost sponsee's and i think i know why.
Long story short i invited this guy over to my Birthday party on Friday night and he seemed very excited to come and see my new place and finally meet my girlfriend who he says he's been wanting to meet.
As a side note we have a friend whose in the hospital and not doing well. He texted Saturday asking me if i went to see Paul Friday and i said no that my girlfriend had plans and i was going to try and make it over there tomorrow.
I'm saying this because this is the only reason i know of why he didn't wish me a happy birthday or even show to my party. I know this sounds rediculous and i'm driving myself crazy over this. I can't control his actions and what he does (serenity prayer) but c'mon your my sponsor and honestly think that's kind of rude to act like that and totally blow off my birthday.
I'm also supposed to help him work through some financials for a company he is starting but has taken weeks to get the file to me. I now understand that he doesn't want my help but at least tell me.
As i write this i'm realizing what i need to do. Tell him that i'd like to remain friends but put the sponsorship relationship on hold.
Garrison
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Yeah i plan on talking to him but i was hoping he would reach out to me. He sent me a text this morning about "listening" but no how are you or sorry i didn't make your party. That kind of pissed me off.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Chicago
Posts: 605
Yeah, I'm not big on high school bs either. If you're pissed at me then just tell me.
If I understand AA correctly he is suppose to be a mentor to you. Not a person that is undermining you. I would find a new sponsor.
If I understand AA correctly he is suppose to be a mentor to you. Not a person that is undermining you. I would find a new sponsor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Thanks for all the good advice. Honestly i think what is sticking in my craw is that lately it seems like i'm the one that is always reaching out to patch things up. I get tired of doing it honestly. My Father didn't call me either which is also bothering me. I know that's an expectation but c'mon. He's an alcoholic so i shouldn't be surprised. My girlfriend texted him and he didn't get back to her. I don't know somedays i'm sick of being the guy that has to reach out.
My sponsor has 20+ years of sobriety but honestly hes acting like he has a few months of emotional sobriety. Tired of the BS!
My sponsor has 20+ years of sobriety but honestly hes acting like he has a few months of emotional sobriety. Tired of the BS!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
People have feet of clay, ya know? Alcoholic fathers and sponsors will disappoint, but our HP won't.
Happy Birthday. I hope you can turn this around and pray for them and then remember all the fun you had at the party. Their loss.
Happy Birthday. I hope you can turn this around and pray for them and then remember all the fun you had at the party. Their loss.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by comtnman740 
Thanks for all the good advice. Honestly i think what is sticking in my craw is that lately it seems like i'm the one that is always reaching out to patch things up. I get tired of doing it honestly. My Father didn't call me either which is also bothering me. I know that's an expectation but c'mon. He's an alcoholic so i shouldn't be surprised. My girlfriend texted him and he didn't get back to her. I don't know somedays i'm sick of being the guy that has to reach out.
My sponsor has 20+ years of sobriety but honestly hes acting like he has a few months of emotional sobriety. Tired of the BS!
My sponsor has 20+ years of sobriety but honestly hes acting like he has a few months of emotional sobriety. Tired of the BS!
i have a feeling why you would make an excuse for your father but not your sponsor, but i think it would be better if ya did the work yourself.
we are ALL humans- warts,defects, and shortcomings and all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
It sounds a little to me like you both are struggling with communicating with one another directly and honestly. Like the pattern has been going on a while and now its entrenched and you each are reacting off what you think the other person is thinking, and why. What could possibly go wrong?
I have LOTS of struggles with the whole 'human' interaction thing. Haha. I try to see 'these' kinds of situations as 'opportunities' to communicate in an emotionally mature way. Its a recovery moment if you will. And I have a plethora of those pretty much everyday as a parent. For me I find if I dodge or circumvent the direct and honest part of relationships I just repeat the same behavior in the next one. And I wonder why? Hmmmmmm.
I have LOTS of struggles with the whole 'human' interaction thing. Haha. I try to see 'these' kinds of situations as 'opportunities' to communicate in an emotionally mature way. Its a recovery moment if you will. And I have a plethora of those pretty much everyday as a parent. For me I find if I dodge or circumvent the direct and honest part of relationships I just repeat the same behavior in the next one. And I wonder why? Hmmmmmm.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Originally Posted by tomsteve
reads like something you have to work the steps on- either back to step 4 or 10th step.
i have a feeling why you would make an excuse for your father but not your sponsor, but i think it would be better if ya did the work yourself.
we are ALL humans- warts,defects, and shortcomings and all.
i have a feeling why you would make an excuse for your father but not your sponsor, but i think it would be better if ya did the work yourself.
we are ALL humans- warts,defects, and shortcomings and all.
Yes this has caused a resentment with my sponsor and you're right that it will require some 10th step work. I decided to shoot him a text to ask how he was and that we (my girlfriend and I) were hoping to see him at the party but maybe something came up? I tried not to give him a guilt trip but wanted to let him know that i was disappointed. As for my Father he probably just forgot. I told my Sponsor it was my Birthday and invited him to a party the day before the date so i think that's why i'm a little more upset at my Sponsor. Either way i'm giving it to my higher power.
Thanks!
Garrison
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 1
Hi everyone,
I've been lurking for awhile but find this site very helpful. I'll tell my story in another thread but have been in and out of the AA program for seven years with the last two years strong.
This post really struck me as I had a sponsor recently that every time I reached out to her she had plans with her daughter who is 15 and she is a single parent. I mean single - dad of child committed suicide and her bio family does not live in the area. I was always the one reaching out practically having to beg to get together with her. Around this past Xmas I texted her regarding something other than AA and she never replied. Ever. Ran into one of her sponcees recently and he asked me if she was still my sponsor. My reply was - I guess not.
My point is that it is sad when we come to these cross roads. We are hard enough on ourselves as it is. Personally, I would reach out to your sponsor one more time and if you don't have a good feeling afterwards - move on.
I've been lurking for awhile but find this site very helpful. I'll tell my story in another thread but have been in and out of the AA program for seven years with the last two years strong.
This post really struck me as I had a sponsor recently that every time I reached out to her she had plans with her daughter who is 15 and she is a single parent. I mean single - dad of child committed suicide and her bio family does not live in the area. I was always the one reaching out practically having to beg to get together with her. Around this past Xmas I texted her regarding something other than AA and she never replied. Ever. Ran into one of her sponcees recently and he asked me if she was still my sponsor. My reply was - I guess not.
My point is that it is sad when we come to these cross roads. We are hard enough on ourselves as it is. Personally, I would reach out to your sponsor one more time and if you don't have a good feeling afterwards - move on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 206
I dont think the steps have anything to do with it.
Sounds like someone playing games and why i wouldnt rely on a sponsor.
I think youve done pretty well,i would have probably sent
something a bit more colourful, especially if it was someone i
was looking to for support against a deadly disease.
Pretty scary to think these sponsors just go off the radar,
and do what they want. Maybe they dont realise how important
the thing is that theyre actually involved in.
Sounds like someone playing games and why i wouldnt rely on a sponsor.
I think youve done pretty well,i would have probably sent
something a bit more colourful, especially if it was someone i
was looking to for support against a deadly disease.
Pretty scary to think these sponsors just go off the radar,
and do what they want. Maybe they dont realise how important
the thing is that theyre actually involved in.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
This is your second thread on this so it's something you need to sort out.
Given the title of this thread, thats really passive aggressive.
Don't guilt trip. Thats not a healthy response.
You need to speak to your sponsor and ask straight out why he did not come.
It maybe he forgot like your dad, something came up, he was ill..whatever.
It may be other reasons.
You might not like the answer and you may find your relationship a little worse the wear after, but at least you'll know.
It might be that he doesn't see your relationship in the same way you do.
His ideas of friendship maybe different to yours.
It might be his boundaries are a little fuzzy too.
Asking you to do a favour for him with his financials makes the sponsor/friend lines pretty blurry on his part.
One of the things I admire about some of the AA old timers I've met here is they'll say straight out I can be your friend or your sponsor - you choose.
It's blunt - even rude - but I bet their sponsees know where they stand
But honestly - bottom line...the only thing you can fix here is you, G.
Yeah, this might not be actually about the party, do you think?
People not doing what I wanted them to do was a major part of my drinking. I think maybe it was of yours too?
Time to let those old behaviours go. Your validation no longer needs to be external and related to how people treat you.
You have a good life, a gf, and you had a great party surrounded by friends and loved ones.
You love and are loved.
You're doing great.
Keep perspective man
D
I decided to shoot him a text to ask how he was and that we (my girlfriend and I) were hoping to see him at the party but maybe something came up?
Don't guilt trip. Thats not a healthy response.
You need to speak to your sponsor and ask straight out why he did not come.
It maybe he forgot like your dad, something came up, he was ill..whatever.
It may be other reasons.
You might not like the answer and you may find your relationship a little worse the wear after, but at least you'll know.
It might be that he doesn't see your relationship in the same way you do.
His ideas of friendship maybe different to yours.
It might be his boundaries are a little fuzzy too.
Asking you to do a favour for him with his financials makes the sponsor/friend lines pretty blurry on his part.
One of the things I admire about some of the AA old timers I've met here is they'll say straight out I can be your friend or your sponsor - you choose.
It's blunt - even rude - but I bet their sponsees know where they stand
But honestly - bottom line...the only thing you can fix here is you, G.
it seems like i'm the one that is always reaching out to patch things up.
People not doing what I wanted them to do was a major part of my drinking. I think maybe it was of yours too?
Time to let those old behaviours go. Your validation no longer needs to be external and related to how people treat you.
You have a good life, a gf, and you had a great party surrounded by friends and loved ones.
You love and are loved.
You're doing great.
Keep perspective man
D
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