CentralOhioDad

So, sometimes journaling can reveal a lot of things. And something hit me yesterday regarding AW. Now, I've known this for a while in the back of my head, but it all came to the forefront yesterday.

AW is sick of her job, again. Now, before I go into the rest of the story, I will say that she is a very loyal, dedicated, hardworking person who put a lot into her job.

That said, she has been telling me how: overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated she is, and she's ready to quit. She has to do "everything", and no one appreciates anything she does. I have heard this for the past four jobs plus this one.

Then something else hit me - she says the same thing about being at home: she picks up after everyone, she does all the cleaning, all of X/Y/Z - and no one appreciates her. ALWAYS the victim. Always!

I asked her if we should hire some help while I'm laid up from surgery. Her response? "Why would we do that when I do it all anyway right now??" Amazing the sh*t that comes from their mouths.

BTW - I had to go to a seminar last night about coaching DS's baseball team, so she was home with DS, which literally scared me the entire time I was gone. I got home at 8:50 and she was passed out on the kitchen island. Only the big dog running into her leg woke her up. This morning she didn't remember things we talked about last night. I was gone less than 2.5 hours, and she's passed out.

Thanks for reading.

COD

Eauchiche

Hey COD!

Here's a song just for you; The Tender Snowdrop

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDpzi-UhTlg

tomsteve

COD, one thing i wish this site had was a dislike button. sure aint easy hittin"thanks" for stuff like this. great reveltation. as i was reading, something from the big book of AA was going through my head:
He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays.

Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles

and the one that really smacked me reading what ya typed:

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so


yes, a special snowflake- so special she was described in a book published before she was born.
lil sarcasm towards her. ill blame my sponsor on that- hed say sumthin like that to me when i was full of crap.

AnvilheadII

is it time to give the special snowflake her own hill on which to fall?

Eauchiche

This ^^^^^
TomSteve, I wish I had a way to hit "double like" for your post.
Makes me wonder if addiction is behind the narcissistic types in our culture, whether they are drinking or not.

dawnrising

Oh wow I can relate to this. My Ah would "white knuckle" jobs at 18 months in. He was promoted about every 2 years and we moved about every 3 years with all these jobs (same company though). I always enjoyed the first 18 months but when the white knuckle phase hit it was miserable. He was never appreciated, he could be doing so much more, he was undervalued ........ It was only a couple of years ago when the execs were talking about ah and one of the big wigs referred to my AH as "a little too needy". I tried to talk to him about it once. Is there even a possibility that there is some truth to this since its coming from multiple sources myself included, but nope he refused to even entertain that idea. He later claimed needy wasn't the term used but thats the term he told me when he heard about it. No problem with my memory

dandylion

So, COD....are you going to hire extra help, during that time, or not?
......just wondering......

CentralOhioDad

And why would I do that?? By golly, she does it all anyway right now.

No, I'll probably just end up doing more than I should and delay my recovery - because that's what I do!

CentralOhioDad

By golly, Tomsteve - you nailed it again!

CentralOhioDad

Once I am somewhat recuperated from my soon-to-be-decided-the date surgery, then yes.

dandylion

COD.....do you hear yourself....?
(I realize that you are probably still white-hot angry, right now)......

CentralOhioDad

I hear myself. DS is going thru enuf right now with all the doom-and-gloom that is hanging over the household. Dad can't be down for the count as well. I'll power thru it when he's home, and then when he's a school, I'll rest..... and do laundry, and vacuum, and make dinner, and.....

Learning14

Where are you at with her being served?

CentralOhioDad

She was supposed to get served a couple of weeks ago, and then her AM died, so I decided not to throw the divorce on top of grief. (Of which I caught some grief, but I'm okay with that.)

dandylion

COD.....Really, do you think that is a good idea, after your surgery, to be doing that amount when you should be taking better care of yourself? That is a rhetorical question---I am sure that you really don't.
What I sense is that you might be wanting to demonstrate your overloadedness to your wife (or any onlookers). in order to elicit her sympathy/sympathy/or her own blindness. If that is so...then it is the core of martyrdom...and, a passive/aggressive way of expressing yourself...the anger, as well as your needs.
Now, as you know, by now...I often go out on a limb and spit-ball, in the name of discussion....
so, if you see no merit to this...I can just shut my mouth...lol.

My mother was the poster child of martyrdom/passive aggression....I have seen more than any eyes should see.....

***the down side of what I am talking about is that the person who takes the martyr road, never gets what they really want...deep down. They usually end up feeling worse, in the big picture...

Gm0824

COD - hire that help for yourself!! You are doing more than a full work load and I admire all that you do as a parent. I have been rooting for you and I just wanted to say I am one vote for hiring help to give yourself some much needed rest if you can afford it. Or maybe we could start a codie cleaning service ... create some sort of rotation list! Does the codie bus have room for cleaning supplies?!

GM

thephoenixrises

I love it: CCS...Codie cleaning Services.
COD-please get help for you, do not take all of this on. Your son needs one healthy parent-and you need to take care of yourself to give him that!
And fwiw, yes, your wife is a special “snowflake” (I have some other names for her that I can’t mention here!).

FireSprite

Hire the help anyway COD - you don't need her permission. It's YOU that will be uncomfortable, not her. If she balks, tell her you were just trying to help HER out - after all, she does so much!

Order-In for food or start cooking ahead & freezing now for later; use disposable plates to help cut down on the extra work.

Use Uber or Lyft for anything you HAVE to do (like DS's games or practices, church).

This is self-care, NOT spoiling yourself.

Oh, yes, that was ME.... 1000%!

CentralOhioDad

Dammit, Dandy...... maybe I did get that from my mother as well, looking back on it. I don;t think that's TOTALLY it, but maybe I'm just so used to 'doing' and 'taking care of it', I don't know how/when to stop - even if I know it's going to set me back.

I've mentioned before that when we first got married, she was the overly responsible one, and I was more lackadaisical. Once DS was born and she had a bunch of medical issues from the birth, I just started doing everything (even though her mother was there for 6 months to 'help'.) Then a year after his birth she starts into the vodka hard and really has never stopped since, though now it's wine. So, in turn, I've just conditioned myself that everyone else comes first, and all household responsibilities are mine to handle/control.

CentralOhioDad

I like the idea of cooking ahead of time, that will help out.

P.S. - I love the violin-playing emoji!!