Horn95

So I have read the first several chapters of the AA Big Book. I have a sponsor but coordinating our schedules is a nightmare. He is sober for 30 years and is doing really well business wise.

So I wonder. Why is he still at AA Meetings?! He is successful and, at least seemingly, well-adjusted. So why is he still doing meetings?

I ask because I have met a lot of people in my struggle. Many successful people on this board, e.g., Dee, Anna, Free Owl... But it seems like alcoholism has defined many persons lives. I do not want that. I want to leave alcoholism in the rear view mirror and never look back. It is NOT ME. Much like cancer survivors are not defined by cancer. So why are we?

I am a still working through the steps, and I am NOT being critical. In fact, so far as I can tell, the AA program encourages folks who have pushed the AV off the beach to reach out and help those who are suffering. Is that what it is? A general compassion for those go before them?

I hope so. I do not want this addiction to be who I am. Does thaw make sense?

DontRemember

It's 100% this. Paying it forward. It also helps you/them/us,ect..with their sobriety 'program' to help others.WIn/Win
There are some in AA that do live/work a 'fear based program' and stick very close to meetings.

Berrybean

Okay. If we drink again, we WILL be back to square one. Alcoholics forget real quickly just how strong that grip is that alcoholism has over us when we choose to drink. We forget the chaos real quick as well. And the misery. And when we forget all that stuff we're in danger of thinking, 'you know what, just one won't hurt'.

When we sit and listen in meetings. When we help someone go through their steps. When we watch the effect that a relapse has on someone who chooses to go back out. When we attend an AA funeral for someone who got forgetful. WE REMEMBER. And we are less likely to take that drink which will take us straight back to where we left off.

BB

DreamCatcher17

If I ever forget that I am an alcoholic, I could go back to drinking thinking I never had a problem with it to begin with. - At least that is how it happened in my past with 2 or 3 relapses until I finally accepted the fact, I am an alcoholic.
I am a recovering alcoholic in recovery mode. Rebuilding my life and foundation for a bright future and existence.

You don't have to label yourself if you don't want to. That is your choice.

I am personally not afraid of labels. (not saying you are, but a lot of people dislike labels...)

Snowydelrico

Horn95, I understand what you mean. I felt the same.
I find addiction an interesting subject along with many other subjects.
I think it’s interesting to be interested.
I used to be that guy who always had a beer in his hand and soon to be a very bad parent.
Helping others is nice.
Also if you don’t want to waste anymore time than you have to on alcohol related things that’s fine too.
Once recovered I believe the world is your lobster.
You get more and more head space as time passes and your brain and body heal.
Doesn’t matter how people define me. I’m happy with me. I do what I believe is the right thing. If I get things wrong I learn then try not to repeat the mistake.

No big deal

Horn95

My point is that we are MORE than this GD addiction. Folks who have kicked this diseas’s ass are awesome. Amazing. The strongest people I have ever met. It is THAT which should define us.

I am struggling with what I am feeling. I love the AA approach. But we, as the AA Big Book notes (the doctor’s opinion), we have an ALLERGY! Wr respond to alcohol in ways other folks don’t. Should that define us?

If someone in Texas, for example, has an allergy to cedar trees. Does that define them?

I just feel like we alcoholics spend too much time beating ourselves up. We’re not awful people. We have a MEDICAL sickness. Let’s get treatment. Let’s fight. But I do not want this thing to define me.

DreamCatcher17

I am not defined as an alcoholic, I am so much more than that...

When someone I meet asks me "what do you do" I do not answer, well I am an alcoholic so I got to meetings, etc...
I reply with; A mother, a painter, my job, and so on... I think you get my point.

I am defined by what I do, how I help, the compassion, empathy, and so on.
I am defined by what would be in my obituary and I can tell you "alcoholic" is not it.

In the rooms of AA, I am defined as an alcoholic. That is what I am there for... For that 1 hour a week I am sharing my SEH to help the newcomer see the hope for the future and that there is life outside of the "ism"

I also don't beat myself up, especially from the things I did while drinking. I have forgiven myself for those things. Which made it so much easier to move in my life.
Doestn mean I will ever forget what I did, I just don't sit and dwell in the sh*t, what a miserable place to be.

That's me!

DontRemember

I stopped beating myself up around 9mo sober.

Berrybean

The best way to not let alcoholism define us is by staying sober. And the best way of ensuring that's so is by continuing to work on our recovery.

The people I meet in AA who have solid sobriety seem to have very active lives outside if the rooms. Many of them are hugely successful. Lots of the younger folk seem to be returning to university and the like. Many of them experiencing a joy from parenting their children that beforehand they'd never experienced.

I don't think these people are defined by their alcoholism. They re defined by their recovery. Those promises have come true for them and they don't intend to let things slip so they lose that serenity and joy.

What step are you on currently?

BB

Andante

I wouldn't let having diabetes or a colostomy bag "define me" any more than alcoholism "defines me," but if I didn't remain mindful and perform necessary maintenance with any of these conditions, I'd be asking for trouble.

entropy1964

I just feel like we alcoholics spend too much time beating ourselves up. We’re not awful people. We have a MEDICAL sickness. Let’s get treatment. Let’s fight. But I do not want this thing to define me.

First of all, I totally get it. I have been there, off and on.

I invite you to replace all those we's with I's. We don't matter. You do. And remember that busy, successful sponsor of yours? Yes, sounds like he is defined by a whole lot of other stuff the other 23 hours a day. And he's a saint for helping others discover the exact thing you are seeking: Freedom from alcoholism. He's giving back what was so freely given to him.

Who cares what you perceive are the 'lives' of all those other people in the rooms for the other 23 hours a day. You define you. You decide who you are.

For sure, a big part of my life is recovery. But its not just recovery from alcohol addiction...that was just part of it. I am learning how to cope with life, how to be a better person/mother/friend/sister/daughter and how to be consistently emotionally mature. Someday I hope when someone meets me they think 'hey, she's a real grownup'

tomsteve

Why is he still at AA Meetings?! He is successful and, at least seemingly, well-adjusted. So why is he still doing meetings?

could be PART of step 12-to carry this message to alcoholics. it has nothing to do with alcohol defining him- it has to do with the spiritual awakening that occured as a result of the steps- practicing some of the principles.
maybe you could just ask him to get the exact reason why he still attends meetings?
even when i was drinking, it wasnt alcohol defining me- it was my character defects/shortcomings that did that.
now that im sober alcohol has no part of defining me. my character defects.shortcomings can come out at times- i can get angry, afraid, lonely, selfish,etc.
but that does NOT define who i am.
Its only my ego that needs a definition.

doggonecarl

I assume you drank for years. Did you care that your drinking defined you? I'm thinking not. Or if it did, it didn't stop you from drinking.

But sober you are worried that your recovery will define you? Seems a misplaced concern.

wayforward

Many sober people have gone from hell on earth to heaven on earth. They become grateful and want to help others as well as remind themselves what helped them in their life.

tekink

Unfortunately I honestly feel going down the rabbit hole of addiction changed me forever. It'll be something I have to deal with but I did it to myself.

Helping other people get to the otherside is also a noble act and I'm sure it's also something that does help others to stay sober themselves.

Addiction has changed the way my brain thinks, maybe it'll be "normal" someday whatever that is maybe it won't. Truth be told I drank every day for so many years there never was a sober me.

I'm better off not drinking but I'm fully aware that actions have consequences and I'll have to face the ones my actions have caused.

MindfulMan

I agree with you to a point. For me. I won't speak for everyone.

But for me, I didn't get sober to spend all my time living in my past addiction.

Here is my experience.

I'm hopeful that time will tell. I really got Step 1 in rehab. Normal drinkers/users don't end up in rehab. Drinkers/users who end up in rehab will keep ending up there if they don't recognize that substance is not within their conscience control, so that ANY use will land them back where they started. Normal drinkers can have a drink or two occasionally. They may have had a few episodes in their lives where they drank too much, but it isn't a pattern. They don't need to drink/use every day. They don't plan their next drink/use as soon as they've stopped or recovered from their last use.

I am not a normal drinker/user AND NEVER WILL BE. Even if it were possible to learn how to drink/use "normally" the occasional drink or line simply isn't worth the risk. Plus as sobriety continues I've learned that I don't even miss the buzz. If I'm honest it wasn't ever all that pleasurable compared to present sobriety.

So Step 1 is there. For me, no recovery is possible without admitting I have a problem and that moderate drinking/using isn't possible nor desirable.

For me, steps 4 & 5 & 10 are useful for a better life, but would have been so even if I'd never been an addict/alcoholic. I'm doing them as part of individual therapy, I wish I'd taken this approach to therapy in my earlier attempts. I've also done cognitive therapy as part of my recovery, the combination is extremely powerful. I know that I have said or done things in my life that aren't in the spirit of the person I want to be. I know that past relationships have caused me to behave in ways to both myself and others that aren't who I want to be. I know that this will happen in the future. So I'm working on owning these patterns that I know longer want in my life and continuing to recognize them and own them in the future.

Service is important to me as well, in helping others we participate in something larger than ourselves. As 12 Step isn't my thing, I feel my service isn't best spent in doing things like meeting setups, chips, etc. What I do is interact with street people that I see are clearly alcoholics/addicts and tell them about AA. In my 12 Step work I met a multi-fellowship group that operates a free HIV clinic for primarily young black gay men that includes addiction work. Drug/alcohol use and HIV infection is 3-5 times higher in minorities here in LA, youth doesn't have easy access to services for HIV prevention and treatment, and this program tells them how to manage it. Again, this is important to me to maintain a better life in addition to maintaining sobriety.

I'm not white knuckling sobriety and trying to remain abstinent by "sheer willpower." I've investigated 12 step as well as other methods and using what seems to be working both to maintain sobriety and improve my life. I have an addiction which I cannot yield to, but I am not "powerless" over it and have not turned my life over to any larger force.

Going to 12 Step meetings regularly and submitting all of my life and actions to a higher power isn't my way. I prefer to maintain my sobriety by keeping an internal locus of control and simply refuse to drink or use under any circumstances.

This is my story. What's yours?

Dee74

Hi Horn

No my alcoholism doesn't define me. Outside of SR I don't think about it at all.

My motives for still being here on SR are many but none of them include fear of relapse or an obsession with alcoholism.

Looking into the far distance when you've just started your journey can be overwhelming, even dispiriting.

My advice is try and stay in the day - and focus on whats the most important thing here - you staying sober

D

Horn95

Quite the opposite. I hate who I have become. A drunk. Sitting there at the bar. Drinking scotch at 11:30 am. Avoiding looking in the mirror. I am turning to putting that chapter behind because I hate who I am when I drink.

Buckley3

Ask him. Would be interested to know his response. And I bet he’d be glad to share it. I also bet he’s thought a bit about the question of defining.

Forward12

I don't think anyone wants to be alcoholic, or be defined by it, but it's something we have to come to terms with. Alcoholism is incurable, only treatable. It's not like cancer or other illnesses that with treatment, can be completely reversed. Alcoholism causes permanent changes in our brains.
You could be sober for a week, a month, a year, even decades, and with one sip, it's all back to square one again and usually even worse.
Those that are still going to AA with that kind of sobriety have it for a reason, they understand the illness and the ongoing treatment plan, such as AA, is what keeps them on the sober path. Those that somehow think they are "cured" and stop following their recovery plans, almost always fall off the rails.