Halfway House is tearing me and my boyfriend apart
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 60
Halfway House is tearing me and my boyfriend apart
Hello! I need to talk to someone knowledgeable about this. My boyfriend before going in this halfway house was all about getting clean for himself and he feels he owes it to me. There was a lot of turmoil. He always told me I was his everything, his soulmate, and he never felt connected to anyone else but me. I'm a "queen" in his eyes.
Well, he has borderline personality disorder. He denies it though. He definitely has it because throughout the years he was told by professionals he has that disorder. He won't take any meds for it. He was really aggressive with me, so I was afraid to call him on the pay phone. Because every time we talked he was being disrespectful and I didn't understand it. So, I called the tech and told him to pass a message along to my bf. I said "Tell Mark to only call me to have a civil convo. I'm sick of the disrespect and the aggression on everything I say." The tech said "he is going to lose his phone privileges for the day."
So the next day my bf called me and said "thanks a lot! now I can't use the pay phones ever. And I have to be monitored by a therapist to speak with you." I said "that's not my fault. I simply asked to pass a message along." He said "it is." So we got into an argument.
His therapist called me and she seemed like she was trying to manipulate me into breaking up with him. I told her that's something me and him will BOTH decide.
Then she said he'll call me in four days. So, I thought this would be good for him and he calmed his aggressive behavior down. Well I had high expectations, but then we got into an argument again. I was sick of his attitude and rude behavior so I said "I'm done. I want nothing to do with him. He has something towards me that I don't know about. So whatever." The therapist said she'll make sure he won't call me.
There was no contact for two weeks until I got a mysterious call. I didn't answer and he left me a voicemail saying "please I love you Mandy. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm not letting this place ruin my relationship with you. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have the clothes I have on my back. I love you so much. I'm using the pay phone and sneaking it."
He called me again, and I answered. He said he's sneaking the pay phone. I told him to not do that. He said he didn't care because he needed to talk to me and loves me. Well he told me to call in and request to talk to him again. I did that. We had good convos. I told him I sent a letter on the stipulations I have in order to be apart of his journey.
He read it and said he agreed. He wanted me to visit him. So, I went to visit him for the first time in a month. I asked him why he's treating me like a friend and not like a gf. He said he didn't want labels. I said "excuse me? So what the hell am I then?" He said "I don't want any labels. The focus has to be on me." I said "yeah but I thought I was your gf?" He said "I want to take things slowly. No labels." I said "how can you call me and say you miss me and love me but you don't want to be my bf? We were together for three years? Start over and start slow? That's for new relationships. We are in one for three years." I then said "are you even in love with me?" He hesitated and said "ahhhh yeah." I said "that doesn't sound convincing." He was acting rude so I left. He sounds like an emotionless robot. He sounds brainwashed because they lied about me and want us separated.
I'm so hurt. He is confusing me. He said he wants no labels and wants to work on things slowly, he kept saying he loves me and cares about me, but I just don't think he is in love with me. But I didn't like how he hesitated on the "in love" part. He back tracked by saying I pissed him off by mentioning something he did that was rude. That doesn't make sense. You don't just fall out of love with someone over an argument! There should be no hesitation if you love someone. He keeps flip floping and I don't know what to believe. He says he does, then he kinda shows me he doesn't. But I honestly didn't do anything in this relationship for him to have doubts. I have supported him through thick and thin. We both were madly in love with each other. Or so I thought. I don't think he loves me anymore as a gf. I think he only loves me as a friend. What the hell do these halfway houses teach you? They said to me "you forgot to be friends first" I said "uhhh? I'm not gonna be friends with someone I was in a relationship with for three years plus we were friends before we dated for a year. That's too painful." They were pushing me to be friends with him. They are too involved and he seems different. I don't know what to do or think. Please someone help. I'm confused.
Well, he has borderline personality disorder. He denies it though. He definitely has it because throughout the years he was told by professionals he has that disorder. He won't take any meds for it. He was really aggressive with me, so I was afraid to call him on the pay phone. Because every time we talked he was being disrespectful and I didn't understand it. So, I called the tech and told him to pass a message along to my bf. I said "Tell Mark to only call me to have a civil convo. I'm sick of the disrespect and the aggression on everything I say." The tech said "he is going to lose his phone privileges for the day."
So the next day my bf called me and said "thanks a lot! now I can't use the pay phones ever. And I have to be monitored by a therapist to speak with you." I said "that's not my fault. I simply asked to pass a message along." He said "it is." So we got into an argument.
His therapist called me and she seemed like she was trying to manipulate me into breaking up with him. I told her that's something me and him will BOTH decide.
Then she said he'll call me in four days. So, I thought this would be good for him and he calmed his aggressive behavior down. Well I had high expectations, but then we got into an argument again. I was sick of his attitude and rude behavior so I said "I'm done. I want nothing to do with him. He has something towards me that I don't know about. So whatever." The therapist said she'll make sure he won't call me.
There was no contact for two weeks until I got a mysterious call. I didn't answer and he left me a voicemail saying "please I love you Mandy. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm not letting this place ruin my relationship with you. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have the clothes I have on my back. I love you so much. I'm using the pay phone and sneaking it."
He called me again, and I answered. He said he's sneaking the pay phone. I told him to not do that. He said he didn't care because he needed to talk to me and loves me. Well he told me to call in and request to talk to him again. I did that. We had good convos. I told him I sent a letter on the stipulations I have in order to be apart of his journey.
He read it and said he agreed. He wanted me to visit him. So, I went to visit him for the first time in a month. I asked him why he's treating me like a friend and not like a gf. He said he didn't want labels. I said "excuse me? So what the hell am I then?" He said "I don't want any labels. The focus has to be on me." I said "yeah but I thought I was your gf?" He said "I want to take things slowly. No labels." I said "how can you call me and say you miss me and love me but you don't want to be my bf? We were together for three years? Start over and start slow? That's for new relationships. We are in one for three years." I then said "are you even in love with me?" He hesitated and said "ahhhh yeah." I said "that doesn't sound convincing." He was acting rude so I left. He sounds like an emotionless robot. He sounds brainwashed because they lied about me and want us separated.
I'm so hurt. He is confusing me. He said he wants no labels and wants to work on things slowly, he kept saying he loves me and cares about me, but I just don't think he is in love with me. But I didn't like how he hesitated on the "in love" part. He back tracked by saying I pissed him off by mentioning something he did that was rude. That doesn't make sense. You don't just fall out of love with someone over an argument! There should be no hesitation if you love someone. He keeps flip floping and I don't know what to believe. He says he does, then he kinda shows me he doesn't. But I honestly didn't do anything in this relationship for him to have doubts. I have supported him through thick and thin. We both were madly in love with each other. Or so I thought. I don't think he loves me anymore as a gf. I think he only loves me as a friend. What the hell do these halfway houses teach you? They said to me "you forgot to be friends first" I said "uhhh? I'm not gonna be friends with someone I was in a relationship with for three years plus we were friends before we dated for a year. That's too painful." They were pushing me to be friends with him. They are too involved and he seems different. I don't know what to do or think. Please someone help. I'm confused.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
That IS completely confusing. Geeze, he's like a yo-yo. I don't have any advice to offer, my AH is currently sober, but won't take part in a program. I'm wondering if any of his yo-yo ing has to do with his personality disorder? With mental health issues, when the person is under more than normal stress, the disorder can get worse. More so if they aren't taking medication. AND when they first stop drinking, they have withdraws of varying degrees and different symptoms. My husband was very unlike himself. He was aggressive and just mean, I was actually scared of him. There's also the possibility that maybe now that he's sober, he's changed, and the relationship could be over. I'm sorry, but just throwing ideas out there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Welcome to Soberrecovery Mandy. I'm glad you found us. It does sound like you have been through the wringer.
My qualifier never sought sobriety and recovery when I was with him so I haven't been in your position.
Have you tried Alanon? Also Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around her; look for it and give it a try.
This is very tough stuff that you are going though. Let us know how you get on.
My qualifier never sought sobriety and recovery when I was with him so I haven't been in your position.
Have you tried Alanon? Also Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around her; look for it and give it a try.
This is very tough stuff that you are going though. Let us know how you get on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 60
Thank you for welcoming me here! I'm really upset. I got off the phone with him and blocked all numbers here's the conversation.
Me: So are you not in love me?
Mark: I'm confused, I don't even want to be here, I'm controlled. I can't do anything. I'm confused about everything.
Me: well maybe if you took your mental illness seriously and for it under control maybe you wouldn't be as confused. You aren't helping yourself at all. You're confusing me. Now you don't want labels? What is it? Another girl? I need clarity.
Mark: No! All I know is that I do love you and you are a very important person in my life. That's all I know for now and that I do want you in my life. I just want to work on things slowly because we're toxic.
Me: no mark. You're toxic. I was always doing right in this relationship while you financially got me in the gutter and abused me terribly. How am I to it? I'm co dependant sure. But not toxic. You shouldn't be confused about us. We've been together for three years. You never used that word until that facility started hammering that in your head. You obviously don't love me.
Mark: well if I didn't love you then why would it drive me crazy that I couldn't speak to you for two weeks to the point of me using the pay phone and risking getting caught? I'm just confused about everything in my life and I want to see if we can rebuild and have chemistry.
Me: the chemistry should still be there. You're just confusing and playing head games. I deserve better. I don't deserve someone who says I'm "toxic" because I asked you a question that you turned into an argument. Just leave me alone. We're through. You should just look at me as important person, that you love and care for, you should look at me as your gf. Like how I still looked at you as a bf.
Mark: **** the labels. Let's just concentrate on how we rebuild. Trust me this place doesn't want me talking to you. But I still do because I do love and care for you. That's all I know for now.
Me: ok, let them brainwash you. Bye. Don't call me. I want nothing to do with you. You shouldn't be confused and you should want me as a gf since I have been your gf for the past three years. I'm done supportive you. You just used me.
So there that goes. I'm heartbroken and still confused about his behavior. I'm just letting him go, but it still bothers me. The one comment above seems on point. I think his mental illness is running rampid because he denies he even has it and they can't force meds on him. He's not taking care of his mental health at all. That facility is picking on me. For instance, I called to see if I could send a letter to him about a week ago since there's so many restrictions. I said "will the mail be with held from him because it's my name on the letter? Because there's so many restrictions on us, I don't want to waste mailing it if he won't get it because of my name." They said I called and accused them of keeping his mail? It doesn't even make sense and im baffled they would say that. This place is just horrible and so is my ex. I'm heartbroken. Can't believe he would say he's "confused" and doesn't want labels. That was never like him.
Me: So are you not in love me?
Mark: I'm confused, I don't even want to be here, I'm controlled. I can't do anything. I'm confused about everything.
Me: well maybe if you took your mental illness seriously and for it under control maybe you wouldn't be as confused. You aren't helping yourself at all. You're confusing me. Now you don't want labels? What is it? Another girl? I need clarity.
Mark: No! All I know is that I do love you and you are a very important person in my life. That's all I know for now and that I do want you in my life. I just want to work on things slowly because we're toxic.
Me: no mark. You're toxic. I was always doing right in this relationship while you financially got me in the gutter and abused me terribly. How am I to it? I'm co dependant sure. But not toxic. You shouldn't be confused about us. We've been together for three years. You never used that word until that facility started hammering that in your head. You obviously don't love me.
Mark: well if I didn't love you then why would it drive me crazy that I couldn't speak to you for two weeks to the point of me using the pay phone and risking getting caught? I'm just confused about everything in my life and I want to see if we can rebuild and have chemistry.
Me: the chemistry should still be there. You're just confusing and playing head games. I deserve better. I don't deserve someone who says I'm "toxic" because I asked you a question that you turned into an argument. Just leave me alone. We're through. You should just look at me as important person, that you love and care for, you should look at me as your gf. Like how I still looked at you as a bf.
Mark: **** the labels. Let's just concentrate on how we rebuild. Trust me this place doesn't want me talking to you. But I still do because I do love and care for you. That's all I know for now.
Me: ok, let them brainwash you. Bye. Don't call me. I want nothing to do with you. You shouldn't be confused and you should want me as a gf since I have been your gf for the past three years. I'm done supportive you. You just used me.
So there that goes. I'm heartbroken and still confused about his behavior. I'm just letting him go, but it still bothers me. The one comment above seems on point. I think his mental illness is running rampid because he denies he even has it and they can't force meds on him. He's not taking care of his mental health at all. That facility is picking on me. For instance, I called to see if I could send a letter to him about a week ago since there's so many restrictions. I said "will the mail be with held from him because it's my name on the letter? Because there's so many restrictions on us, I don't want to waste mailing it if he won't get it because of my name." They said I called and accused them of keeping his mail? It doesn't even make sense and im baffled they would say that. This place is just horrible and so is my ex. I'm heartbroken. Can't believe he would say he's "confused" and doesn't want labels. That was never like him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Mandy.
Welcome.
I have read here that emotions are all over the place in early recovery and rehab can be crazy hard.
I am depending a lot on what folks have posted here, but I believe that people who are going through the process are encouraged to dig deep and think about what it is that has put them there.
Often, there just isn’t much left for anyone else.
I would suggest taking a step back, sounds like you have, and let him work his recovery.
We can’t know what the future holds.
Be well and take care
Welcome.
I have read here that emotions are all over the place in early recovery and rehab can be crazy hard.
I am depending a lot on what folks have posted here, but I believe that people who are going through the process are encouraged to dig deep and think about what it is that has put them there.
Often, there just isn’t much left for anyone else.
I would suggest taking a step back, sounds like you have, and let him work his recovery.
We can’t know what the future holds.
Be well and take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Hi, Mandy.
Welcome.
I have read here that emotions are all over the place in early recovery and rehab can be crazy hard.
I am depending a lot on what folks have posted here, but I believe that people who are going through the process are encouraged to dig deep and think about what it is that has put them there.
Often, there just isn’t much left for anyone else.
I would suggest taking a step back, sounds like you have, and let him work his recovery.
We can’t know what the future holds.
Be well and take care
Welcome.
I have read here that emotions are all over the place in early recovery and rehab can be crazy hard.
I am depending a lot on what folks have posted here, but I believe that people who are going through the process are encouraged to dig deep and think about what it is that has put them there.
Often, there just isn’t much left for anyone else.
I would suggest taking a step back, sounds like you have, and let him work his recovery.
We can’t know what the future holds.
Be well and take care
But thanks for your advice. ❤️
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Hi Mandy,
This is a tough place to be. You cannot make him feel what you want him to feel about you. In fact, he cannot feel anything because he is detoxing.
I think you should not put pressure on him or your relationship at all but take a stand backward and work on yourself. Your need for his commitment to you now in the midst of what is a stressful time for your both sounds quite co-dependent. Why don't you try Al-Anon and read Melodie Beattie's book Co-Dependent No more?
I have been where you are, nagging, looking for acceptance, looking for love and commitment. The bottom line is an addict cannot give you any of those things. They do not even love themselves. Yes, they can tell you many things including they love you, want to be with you etc, they may mean them at the time too, but the next day things will have changed. Meanwhile, you are on a roller coaster of emotions not knowing whether you are coming or going. You have to get off that roller coaster and take care of yourself.
You may not believe it but living with an alcoholic/addict makes us sick too, we see life and the relationship through a very unhealthy lens without realizing it. You have to detox too from the unhealthy behaviors that you have used to cope in the last 3 years. I know it doesn't seem fair as you are not the addict but believe me you also need help. Glad you are here at SR, people will give you lots of sound support.
This is a tough place to be. You cannot make him feel what you want him to feel about you. In fact, he cannot feel anything because he is detoxing.
I think you should not put pressure on him or your relationship at all but take a stand backward and work on yourself. Your need for his commitment to you now in the midst of what is a stressful time for your both sounds quite co-dependent. Why don't you try Al-Anon and read Melodie Beattie's book Co-Dependent No more?
I have been where you are, nagging, looking for acceptance, looking for love and commitment. The bottom line is an addict cannot give you any of those things. They do not even love themselves. Yes, they can tell you many things including they love you, want to be with you etc, they may mean them at the time too, but the next day things will have changed. Meanwhile, you are on a roller coaster of emotions not knowing whether you are coming or going. You have to get off that roller coaster and take care of yourself.
You may not believe it but living with an alcoholic/addict makes us sick too, we see life and the relationship through a very unhealthy lens without realizing it. You have to detox too from the unhealthy behaviors that you have used to cope in the last 3 years. I know it doesn't seem fair as you are not the addict but believe me you also need help. Glad you are here at SR, people will give you lots of sound support.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 50
Boy oh boy do I know this. Recently went thru something very similar in just the past couple of months. With my ABF for the past year and a half on this roller coaster ride of multiple detox and rehab stays but as long as he was taking the right steps to try and get better I decided to stay right by his side. Just this past Christmas we were together happy as can be, there was talk about marriage, how much he loves me, just wants me, doesn't want to be with anyone else ever, etc. etc. ... and then he went in to rehab followed by into a sober living home and that's when it all changed. Dropped me like a hot cake! And the same thing, not for anything I did, gave him no reason to have doubts, I was supportive thru thick and thin as well. He just pushed me away, and pushed me away "angrily" which hurt the most. I heard the exact same thing, the our relationship was just toxic, that I was toxic and I told him no, it was his "drinking" that was toxic and all the problems that brought on was what was toxic. Same thing, never EVER heard him say anything like that before either!
Luckily he and I were able to talk it out and he helped me understand his anger wasn't really directed to me. He was just angry about everything that's happened in general, what he did to himself to bring him to this place. Told me he was scared, nervous mainly overwhelmed about being new in sober living. He made it clear he's really "struggling". Told me how he feels like he doesn't know if he's coming or going and that the thoughts in his head, his feelings are just so all over the place. As much as it hurts that he's away tho I know definitely the best place for him to be and that this was absolutely necessary I had to step back, I had no choice.
Finding this site was an immense help. So much good advice and feedback, different perspectives. I would say to you just take in as much of it is you can. You are definitely not alone in this. I'm still reading, trying to educate myself, started going to Al-Anon, CoDA meetings, talking to a counselor, have gained alot of social support from some individual relationships developed here. Keep posting, keep talking about it. Six weeks ago when I was feeling so broken and shattered, never ever ever would I have thought I'd be as OK as I am now (tho still hurt and missing him and sad about the way things wound up, but more accepting of how this has to be right now). One day at a time ... it will get better.
Luckily he and I were able to talk it out and he helped me understand his anger wasn't really directed to me. He was just angry about everything that's happened in general, what he did to himself to bring him to this place. Told me he was scared, nervous mainly overwhelmed about being new in sober living. He made it clear he's really "struggling". Told me how he feels like he doesn't know if he's coming or going and that the thoughts in his head, his feelings are just so all over the place. As much as it hurts that he's away tho I know definitely the best place for him to be and that this was absolutely necessary I had to step back, I had no choice.
Finding this site was an immense help. So much good advice and feedback, different perspectives. I would say to you just take in as much of it is you can. You are definitely not alone in this. I'm still reading, trying to educate myself, started going to Al-Anon, CoDA meetings, talking to a counselor, have gained alot of social support from some individual relationships developed here. Keep posting, keep talking about it. Six weeks ago when I was feeling so broken and shattered, never ever ever would I have thought I'd be as OK as I am now (tho still hurt and missing him and sad about the way things wound up, but more accepting of how this has to be right now). One day at a time ... it will get better.
Sapphire44
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by Givenup2018
Hi Mandy,
This is a tough place to be. You cannot make him feel what you want him to feel about you. In fact, he cannot feel anything because he is detoxing.
I think you should not put pressure on him or your relationship at all but take a stand backward and work on yourself.
Why don't you try Al-Anon
Meanwhile, you are on a roller coaster of emotions not knowing whether you are coming or going. You have to get off that roller coaster and take care of yourself.
This is a tough place to be. You cannot make him feel what you want him to feel about you. In fact, he cannot feel anything because he is detoxing.
I think you should not put pressure on him or your relationship at all but take a stand backward and work on yourself.
Why don't you try Al-Anon
Meanwhile, you are on a roller coaster of emotions not knowing whether you are coming or going. You have to get off that roller coaster and take care of yourself.
I got my alcoholic ex out of the house on the 14th. He did sober up for 30 days. but when he got his mental evaluation. I think that is what scared him to stop trying. He does have problems but not ready to face them. He has been a drunk since he was 9. that is 36 years. He comes from a very abusive family. Not just his father abusing him. but aunts, uncles and more. Very messed up people. The ex I'm sure has no idea how to function with out his addictions. I'm sure that was scary to try and feel emotions and so forth without the alcohol.
Go to Al-anon. It will help you allot. I do the same. Even though he is not here anymore. He still is part of my life for the fact we have a kid together. It also helps me to go and get my life back on track. The ex was a violent drunk. It took a big emotional toll on me mentally and physically. I have depression and can't take meds to help. I'm allergic to them. So It is hard to do this. But if I can do it I know you can.
Give him some space and time to work on himself. He is going threw allot right now and so are you.
This group is full of wonderful people. They helped me understand allot and just were there to let me vent at times and they still do.
Keep returning and take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
You're confusing me.
You're just confusing and playing head games.
You just used me
whats YOUR part in it all? did you allow it to all happen?
did he force you to stay with him for 3 years?
think about it- how healthy of a person gets into a relationship with an addict? how healthy of a person puts up with the crazy?
how healthy of a person allows the behavior in the life?
personally, i read a whole lot about YOU in your posts that scream you would benefit for some form of help yourself- just some things screamin that enablers/codies seem to display when lost in our own sickness.
which theres solutions for.
You're just confusing and playing head games.
You just used me
whats YOUR part in it all? did you allow it to all happen?
did he force you to stay with him for 3 years?
think about it- how healthy of a person gets into a relationship with an addict? how healthy of a person puts up with the crazy?
how healthy of a person allows the behavior in the life?
personally, i read a whole lot about YOU in your posts that scream you would benefit for some form of help yourself- just some things screamin that enablers/codies seem to display when lost in our own sickness.
which theres solutions for.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
He sounds brainwashed because they lied about me and want us separated.
No they didn't lie. Read your post again. None of this is good for you and he can't ever recover while all this drama between you is going on. They want you apart for a good reason. I would focus on getting well yourself then you will see how this "relationship" is not one, that you were not put on this earth to accept abuse and verbal aggression off ANYONE and how you need to let him go. The place is not making him abusive. He just is. Your involvement with him is not helpful that is why the place he is in wants you to stop.
No they didn't lie. Read your post again. None of this is good for you and he can't ever recover while all this drama between you is going on. They want you apart for a good reason. I would focus on getting well yourself then you will see how this "relationship" is not one, that you were not put on this earth to accept abuse and verbal aggression off ANYONE and how you need to let him go. The place is not making him abusive. He just is. Your involvement with him is not helpful that is why the place he is in wants you to stop.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by Givenup2018
Hi Mandy,
This is a tough place to be. You cannot make him feel what you want him to feel about you. In fact, he cannot feel anything because he is detoxing.
I think you should not put pressure on him or your relationship at all but take a stand backward and work on yourself. Your need for his commitment to you now in the midst of what is a stressful time for your both sounds quite co-dependent. Why don't you try Al-Anon and read Melodie Beattie's book Co-Dependent No more?
I have been where you are, nagging, looking for acceptance, looking for love and commitment. The bottom line is an addict cannot give you any of those things. They do not even love themselves. Yes, they can tell you many things including they love you, want to be with you etc, they may mean them at the time too, but the next day things will have changed. Meanwhile, you are on a roller coaster of emotions not knowing whether you are coming or going. You have to get off that roller coaster and take care of yourself.
You may not believe it but living with an alcoholic/addict makes us sick too, we see life and the relationship through a very unhealthy lens without realizing it. You have to detox too from the unhealthy behaviors that you have used to cope in the last 3 years. I know it doesn't seem fair as you are not the addict but believe me you also need help. Glad you are here at SR, people will give you lots of sound support.
This is a tough place to be. You cannot make him feel what you want him to feel about you. In fact, he cannot feel anything because he is detoxing.
I think you should not put pressure on him or your relationship at all but take a stand backward and work on yourself. Your need for his commitment to you now in the midst of what is a stressful time for your both sounds quite co-dependent. Why don't you try Al-Anon and read Melodie Beattie's book Co-Dependent No more?
I have been where you are, nagging, looking for acceptance, looking for love and commitment. The bottom line is an addict cannot give you any of those things. They do not even love themselves. Yes, they can tell you many things including they love you, want to be with you etc, they may mean them at the time too, but the next day things will have changed. Meanwhile, you are on a roller coaster of emotions not knowing whether you are coming or going. You have to get off that roller coaster and take care of yourself.
You may not believe it but living with an alcoholic/addict makes us sick too, we see life and the relationship through a very unhealthy lens without realizing it. You have to detox too from the unhealthy behaviors that you have used to cope in the last 3 years. I know it doesn't seem fair as you are not the addict but believe me you also need help. Glad you are here at SR, people will give you lots of sound support.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
He sounds brainwashed because they lied about me and want us separated.
No they didn't lie. Read your post again. None of this is good for you and he can't ever recover while all this drama between you is going on. They want you apart for a good reason. I would focus on getting well yourself then you will see how this "relationship" is not one, that you were not put on this earth to accept abuse and verbal aggression off ANYONE and how you need to let him go. The place is not making him abusive. He just is. Your involvement with him is not helpful that is why the place he is in wants you to stop.
No they didn't lie. Read your post again. None of this is good for you and he can't ever recover while all this drama between you is going on. They want you apart for a good reason. I would focus on getting well yourself then you will see how this "relationship" is not one, that you were not put on this earth to accept abuse and verbal aggression off ANYONE and how you need to let him go. The place is not making him abusive. He just is. Your involvement with him is not helpful that is why the place he is in wants you to stop.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
You're confusing me.
You're just confusing and playing head games.
You just used me
whats YOUR part in it all? did you allow it to all happen?
did he force you to stay with him for 3 years?
think about it- how healthy of a person gets into a relationship with an addict? how healthy of a person puts up with the crazy?
how healthy of a person allows the behavior in the life?
personally, i read a whole lot about YOU in your posts that scream you would benefit for some form of help yourself- just some things screamin that enablers/codies seem to display when lost in our own sickness.
which theres solutions for.
You're just confusing and playing head games.
You just used me
whats YOUR part in it all? did you allow it to all happen?
did he force you to stay with him for 3 years?
think about it- how healthy of a person gets into a relationship with an addict? how healthy of a person puts up with the crazy?
how healthy of a person allows the behavior in the life?
personally, i read a whole lot about YOU in your posts that scream you would benefit for some form of help yourself- just some things screamin that enablers/codies seem to display when lost in our own sickness.
which theres solutions for.
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Originally Posted by Sapphire44
Lots of great advice here and many others to.
I got my alcoholic ex out of the house on the 14th. He did sober up for 30 days. but when he got his mental evaluation. I think that is what scared him to stop trying. He does have problems but not ready to face them. He has been a drunk since he was 9. that is 36 years. He comes from a very abusive family. Not just his father abusing him. but aunts, uncles and more. Very messed up people. The ex I'm sure has no idea how to function with out his addictions. I'm sure that was scary to try and feel emotions and so forth without the alcohol.
Go to Al-anon. It will help you allot. I do the same. Even though he is not here anymore. He still is part of my life for the fact we have a kid together. It also helps me to go and get my life back on track. The ex was a violent drunk. It took a big emotional toll on me mentally and physically. I have depression and can't take meds to help. I'm allergic to them. So It is hard to do this. But if I can do it I know you can.
Give him some space and time to work on himself. He is going threw allot right now and so are you.
This group is full of wonderful people. They helped me understand allot and just were there to let me vent at times and they still do.
Keep returning and take care.
I got my alcoholic ex out of the house on the 14th. He did sober up for 30 days. but when he got his mental evaluation. I think that is what scared him to stop trying. He does have problems but not ready to face them. He has been a drunk since he was 9. that is 36 years. He comes from a very abusive family. Not just his father abusing him. but aunts, uncles and more. Very messed up people. The ex I'm sure has no idea how to function with out his addictions. I'm sure that was scary to try and feel emotions and so forth without the alcohol.
Go to Al-anon. It will help you allot. I do the same. Even though he is not here anymore. He still is part of my life for the fact we have a kid together. It also helps me to go and get my life back on track. The ex was a violent drunk. It took a big emotional toll on me mentally and physically. I have depression and can't take meds to help. I'm allergic to them. So It is hard to do this. But if I can do it I know you can.
Give him some space and time to work on himself. He is going threw allot right now and so are you.
This group is full of wonderful people. They helped me understand allot and just were there to let me vent at times and they still do.
Keep returning and take care.
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Originally Posted by London393
Boy oh boy do I know this. Recently went thru something very similar in just the past couple of months. With my ABF for the past year and a half on this roller coaster ride of multiple detox and rehab stays but as long as he was taking the right steps to try and get better I decided to stay right by his side. Just this past Christmas we were together happy as can be, there was talk about marriage, how much he loves me, just wants me, doesn't want to be with anyone else ever, etc. etc. ... and then he went in to rehab followed by into a sober living home and that's when it all changed. Dropped me like a hot cake! And the same thing, not for anything I did, gave him no reason to have doubts, I was supportive thru thick and thin as well. He just pushed me away, and pushed me away "angrily" which hurt the most. I heard the exact same thing, the our relationship was just toxic, that I was toxic and I told him no, it was his "drinking" that was toxic and all the problems that brought on was what was toxic. Same thing, never EVER heard him say anything like that before either!
Luckily he and I were able to talk it out and he helped me understand his anger wasn't really directed to me. He was just angry about everything that's happened in general, what he did to himself to bring him to this place. Told me he was scared, nervous mainly overwhelmed about being new in sober living. He made it clear he's really "struggling". Told me how he feels like he doesn't know if he's coming or going and that the thoughts in his head, his feelings are just so all over the place. As much as it hurts that he's away tho I know definitely the best place for him to be and that this was absolutely necessary I had to step back, I had no choice.
Finding this site was an immense help. So much good advice and feedback, different perspectives. I would say to you just take in as much of it is you can. You are definitely not alone in this. I'm still reading, trying to educate myself, started going to Al-Anon, CoDA meetings, talking to a counselor, have gained alot of social support from some individual relationships developed here. Keep posting, keep talking about it. Six weeks ago when I was feeling so broken and shattered, never ever ever would I have thought I'd be as OK as I am now (tho still hurt and missing him and sad about the way things wound up, but more accepting of how this has to be right now). One day at a time ... it will get better.
Luckily he and I were able to talk it out and he helped me understand his anger wasn't really directed to me. He was just angry about everything that's happened in general, what he did to himself to bring him to this place. Told me he was scared, nervous mainly overwhelmed about being new in sober living. He made it clear he's really "struggling". Told me how he feels like he doesn't know if he's coming or going and that the thoughts in his head, his feelings are just so all over the place. As much as it hurts that he's away tho I know definitely the best place for him to be and that this was absolutely necessary I had to step back, I had no choice.
Finding this site was an immense help. So much good advice and feedback, different perspectives. I would say to you just take in as much of it is you can. You are definitely not alone in this. I'm still reading, trying to educate myself, started going to Al-Anon, CoDA meetings, talking to a counselor, have gained alot of social support from some individual relationships developed here. Keep posting, keep talking about it. Six weeks ago when I was feeling so broken and shattered, never ever ever would I have thought I'd be as OK as I am now (tho still hurt and missing him and sad about the way things wound up, but more accepting of how this has to be right now). One day at a time ... it will get better.
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Mandy,
Personally, it does not sound like he is getting the proper medical attention he needs, and that will be very important in him maintaining some control over himself. My wife was all over the place too.. .and she was self-medicating to try and control her moods, and it just made them worse. We went to her dr and got her on a program of meds to stabilize her mood as we knew that she would not be able to stop using without getting her mental state under control. At the REHAB facility, they also did meds evaluations on her and continued with her prescribed meds. She is doing so much better mood wise, and that allowed her to begin her recovery in earnest.
As far as your BF, he is an emotional mess by the sounds of it. Going no contact is best for you and him. One last thing you do not mention is how long he was in active addiction during your relationship.... if it was awhile, then the person you are in love with may not be the person that comes out of rehab. This is not uncommon, and was/is a worry for me with my wife...
Work on yourself first...
Personally, it does not sound like he is getting the proper medical attention he needs, and that will be very important in him maintaining some control over himself. My wife was all over the place too.. .and she was self-medicating to try and control her moods, and it just made them worse. We went to her dr and got her on a program of meds to stabilize her mood as we knew that she would not be able to stop using without getting her mental state under control. At the REHAB facility, they also did meds evaluations on her and continued with her prescribed meds. She is doing so much better mood wise, and that allowed her to begin her recovery in earnest.
As far as your BF, he is an emotional mess by the sounds of it. Going no contact is best for you and him. One last thing you do not mention is how long he was in active addiction during your relationship.... if it was awhile, then the person you are in love with may not be the person that comes out of rehab. This is not uncommon, and was/is a worry for me with my wife...
Work on yourself first...
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When I went through rehab, I was encouraged to not see my boyfriend anymore because the drama with him was distracting me too much from what I was supposed to be doing in there. My focus was too much on him and not enough on myself.
So after putting up a fight about it, I did finally agree to stop seeing him until I got out and eventually saw for myself that he really was not good for me.
Rehab was difficult and exhausting but I knew I needed to be there if I wanted to save my life. I was facing some hard truths about myself. I did not have time to be worrying about anything or anyone beyond getting myself sober and well.
The advice to let him be, at least for now, is the best thing you can do for him and for yourself. Al-Anon and Melodie Beattie's books would be good things for you to check into if you'd like some help for yourself. Stick around here too; these people have a lot of experience and wise advice.
So after putting up a fight about it, I did finally agree to stop seeing him until I got out and eventually saw for myself that he really was not good for me.
Rehab was difficult and exhausting but I knew I needed to be there if I wanted to save my life. I was facing some hard truths about myself. I did not have time to be worrying about anything or anyone beyond getting myself sober and well.
The advice to let him be, at least for now, is the best thing you can do for him and for yourself. Al-Anon and Melodie Beattie's books would be good things for you to check into if you'd like some help for yourself. Stick around here too; these people have a lot of experience and wise advice.
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He keeps calling me now. My block feature kinda sucks. Because when you block calls and messages it does notify you, but it has a hand mark sign that comes up. So you can go into the "blacklist" and see who called or messaged you. He apparently called 3 times last night, and twice already today. He makes no sense. I think he wants his cake and eat it too.
I'm so hurt, heartbroken, and confused myself that he would be confused about us? He can still work on himself and be with me, but I guess he lost feelings even though he claims he didn't. But obviously if he isn't definite he wants me as a gf, then that's a strong indicator to me that he is not in love with me. I hate that halfway house and the lies they make up about me. The brainwashing. Everything.
I know I need help as well. Which is why I'm looking into Al Anon. It sucks that my expectations were so high and I thought he'd be healthy, and wanting me as a gf still. But he is saying he just wants to start over and take things slow. I'd be ok with that if I wasn't with him for three years. Everything is so confusing and hurtful right. He keeps calling me? I don't get that either. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him.
I'm so hurt, heartbroken, and confused myself that he would be confused about us? He can still work on himself and be with me, but I guess he lost feelings even though he claims he didn't. But obviously if he isn't definite he wants me as a gf, then that's a strong indicator to me that he is not in love with me. I hate that halfway house and the lies they make up about me. The brainwashing. Everything.
I know I need help as well. Which is why I'm looking into Al Anon. It sucks that my expectations were so high and I thought he'd be healthy, and wanting me as a gf still. But he is saying he just wants to start over and take things slow. I'd be ok with that if I wasn't with him for three years. Everything is so confusing and hurtful right. He keeps calling me? I don't get that either. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him.
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Thing is, Mandy, I don't think most people CAN work on themselves while trying to maintain a relationship, especially when the thing they are working on is an addiction. Addiction recovery is incredibly difficult under the best of circumstances, but when you have a partner who will (whether they mean to or not) distract you from that work or who demands more attention than you have to spare, it's nearly impossible. Which is NOT to say any of it is your fault.
Active addicts do not have healthy relationships. Al-Anon will be a great support for you as you.
Active addicts do not have healthy relationships. Al-Anon will be a great support for you as you.
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