Rehab: Take Two
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
Rehab: Take Two
Hey everyone,
Hope you’re all doing ok. As usual, I’m here for a little vent!
ABF goes off to rehab again tomorrow. I’d had enough of carrying this burden alone and last week I got in contact with his family.
I explained to them that he’s not been honest with them, most of the people closest to him didn’t even know he’d relapsed, which first happened months ago.
They staged an intervention and have arranged for him to go away to rehab again. I really think it’s what he needs and he’d confided in me a few times that he’d go back again in a heartbeat but we’d not been able to afford it so he’s been presented with a great opportunity here, as a family member has stumped up the cash.
Problem is, he doesn’t want to go. He IS going to go, but only because he feels backed into a corner and doesn’t know how to get out of it.
I worry that, with his current attitude, rehab is going to be nothing more than than a huge waste of time and money, a waste of a kind gesture on the part of the family paying for it.
But we’ll just have to wait and see. The last few days have been awful. He stood me up for dinner yesterday, I sat in a restaurant eating alone and crying into my carbonara while he was passed out drunk.
I thought maybe we’d spend a nice weekend together before he left, that he’d want to log some decent time with his loved ones before he went away to another country for a currently undetermined amount of time.
And I was right, in a way. Just turns out the ‘loved ones’ he most wanted to spend time with were himself and the bottle.
He’s leaving in just over 24 hours and he hasn’t prepared or packed anything, I’m not sure he even knows where his passport is etc. I’m full of anxiety about it, but trying to let it go.
Last time he went, I was still so full of hope and love for him, couldn’t stand him being so far away and couldn’t wait for him to come home.
This time, I think I’m going to be relieved to see the back of him for a while. I still hold a small bit of hope that something will ‘click’ for him this time... first time round he was cocky, full of denial about how bad his situation was an brimming confidence that he could ‘stop anytime he wanted’ and although the doesn’t feel like he wants to go this time, he’s definitely at his lowest point... maybe they will get through to him? Who knows?
What I do know is that I’m going to sleep very well for the next few weeks without the stench of booze wafting from his side of the bed or panicking that he is dead in a ditch somewhere.
Hope you’re all doing ok. As usual, I’m here for a little vent!
ABF goes off to rehab again tomorrow. I’d had enough of carrying this burden alone and last week I got in contact with his family.
I explained to them that he’s not been honest with them, most of the people closest to him didn’t even know he’d relapsed, which first happened months ago.
They staged an intervention and have arranged for him to go away to rehab again. I really think it’s what he needs and he’d confided in me a few times that he’d go back again in a heartbeat but we’d not been able to afford it so he’s been presented with a great opportunity here, as a family member has stumped up the cash.
Problem is, he doesn’t want to go. He IS going to go, but only because he feels backed into a corner and doesn’t know how to get out of it.
I worry that, with his current attitude, rehab is going to be nothing more than than a huge waste of time and money, a waste of a kind gesture on the part of the family paying for it.
But we’ll just have to wait and see. The last few days have been awful. He stood me up for dinner yesterday, I sat in a restaurant eating alone and crying into my carbonara while he was passed out drunk.
I thought maybe we’d spend a nice weekend together before he left, that he’d want to log some decent time with his loved ones before he went away to another country for a currently undetermined amount of time.
And I was right, in a way. Just turns out the ‘loved ones’ he most wanted to spend time with were himself and the bottle.
He’s leaving in just over 24 hours and he hasn’t prepared or packed anything, I’m not sure he even knows where his passport is etc. I’m full of anxiety about it, but trying to let it go.
Last time he went, I was still so full of hope and love for him, couldn’t stand him being so far away and couldn’t wait for him to come home.
This time, I think I’m going to be relieved to see the back of him for a while. I still hold a small bit of hope that something will ‘click’ for him this time... first time round he was cocky, full of denial about how bad his situation was an brimming confidence that he could ‘stop anytime he wanted’ and although the doesn’t feel like he wants to go this time, he’s definitely at his lowest point... maybe they will get through to him? Who knows?
What I do know is that I’m going to sleep very well for the next few weeks without the stench of booze wafting from his side of the bed or panicking that he is dead in a ditch somewhere.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Rehab sounds like it would be a great idea if he really wanted to go, but I don't understand how in one breath he would go back in a heartbeat and then now he doesn't? Perhaps his eagerness to go back was something to say to you to get you "off his back"?
I know my stepson would tell his father many things to buy himself (his addiction) a little breathing room.
I honestly don't know what I would do because in a way it seems as though this is between your ABF and his family. Are they aware of his current attitude? I don't know that I would want to put up that money for something that is unlikely to work.
I hope that you can let go of any expectations. If he misses his plane, can't find his passport, can't be bothered to pack a bag...you have absolutely no control over any of that. Is there something else you can do to occupy your weekend? Get together with friends or visit a museum or art gallery? Anything might be helpful in order to keep your mind away from things that you can't control.
Hang in there!
I know my stepson would tell his father many things to buy himself (his addiction) a little breathing room.
I honestly don't know what I would do because in a way it seems as though this is between your ABF and his family. Are they aware of his current attitude? I don't know that I would want to put up that money for something that is unlikely to work.
I hope that you can let go of any expectations. If he misses his plane, can't find his passport, can't be bothered to pack a bag...you have absolutely no control over any of that. Is there something else you can do to occupy your weekend? Get together with friends or visit a museum or art gallery? Anything might be helpful in order to keep your mind away from things that you can't control.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Problem is, he doesn’t want to go. He IS going to go, but only because he feels backed into a corner and doesn’t know how to get out of it.
Not looking good tbh. My exah went 6 times with that attitude and he never stopped drinking. You need to focus on yourself and decide if this is the life you want before you are any further committed to him.
Not looking good tbh. My exah went 6 times with that attitude and he never stopped drinking. You need to focus on yourself and decide if this is the life you want before you are any further committed to him.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
Yeah I think you’re probably right there, I don’t have any real hopeful expectations, I always try to stay positive in life, no matter what it throws at me, but I know I also need to be realistic.
I think the reason I’m so reluctant to let go of him is that it often feels like he’s all I have. I know I have my daughter but I can’t confide in a 5 year old and I have no one else to talk to. My family insist on trying to insert themselves into my life but it’s only ever to tell me what a fool I am and that I’m always letting everyone down. I only have one person that I trust and consider a close friend, but she is also a colleague and I’ve only known her a few months, so I don’t like to put too much pressure on her.
I feel like I’ve been really let down many times in the past, both by my family and my small circle of friends... I am surrounded by toxic relationships and I only hold on to them because I have nothing positive to replace them with, but I’m slowly coming to the painful realisation that it’s better to be alone than lonely in the company of the wrong people.
Problem is, I’m clearly the common denominator in all this, it would be foolish of me to put the blame on anyone else. My codependency issues have soured almost every relationship / friendship I have ever had, usually beyond repair, and it feels as though ending those won’t make much difference because I’m the problem and wherever I go, there I am.
I think the reason I’m so reluctant to let go of him is that it often feels like he’s all I have. I know I have my daughter but I can’t confide in a 5 year old and I have no one else to talk to. My family insist on trying to insert themselves into my life but it’s only ever to tell me what a fool I am and that I’m always letting everyone down. I only have one person that I trust and consider a close friend, but she is also a colleague and I’ve only known her a few months, so I don’t like to put too much pressure on her.
I feel like I’ve been really let down many times in the past, both by my family and my small circle of friends... I am surrounded by toxic relationships and I only hold on to them because I have nothing positive to replace them with, but I’m slowly coming to the painful realisation that it’s better to be alone than lonely in the company of the wrong people.
Problem is, I’m clearly the common denominator in all this, it would be foolish of me to put the blame on anyone else. My codependency issues have soured almost every relationship / friendship I have ever had, usually beyond repair, and it feels as though ending those won’t make much difference because I’m the problem and wherever I go, there I am.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I was very socially isolated by my codependency. Working the 12 Steps of Al Anon and participating in service work helped me to build the self-love and confidence I needed to have healthy relationships and break my unhealthy patterns. You're not doomed! I felt that way too, but I'm grateful that I did the work on myself. It has been completely worth it. Glad you have a couple weeks of peace, you deserve some time to take care of yourself right now.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Codependency is not a life sentence. You can learn to be a better relationship role model for your daughter. You can end the cycle. Therapy did wonders for my self-esteem, my ability to set healthy boundaries and let go of toxic relationships, and to forge new and better relationships with others. Telling yourself it is possible to be healthier instead of pronouncing yourself the problem would be a good start.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Codependency is not a life sentence. You can learn to be a better relationship role model for your daughter. You can end the cycle. Therapy did wonders for my self-esteem, my ability to set healthy boundaries and let go of toxic relationships, and to forge new and better relationships with others. Telling yourself it is possible to be healthier instead of pronouncing yourself the problem would be a good start.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Upsidedown, I know you have been around awhile. Have you tried Alanon? It is helpful for some although not all.
In a way you are ahead of quite a few who come here in that you know that there is something going on with yourself. Its taken me decades to figure out some of my crap. Perhaps I would have done better if I had done the Alanon route.
Keep hacking away at this. More will be revealed.
In a way you are ahead of quite a few who come here in that you know that there is something going on with yourself. Its taken me decades to figure out some of my crap. Perhaps I would have done better if I had done the Alanon route.
Keep hacking away at this. More will be revealed.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Upsidedown, I know you have been around awhile. Have you tried Alanon? It is helpful for some although not all.
In a way you are ahead of quite a few who come here in that you know that there is something going on with yourself. Its taken me decades to figure out some of my crap. Perhaps I would have done better if I had done the Alanon route.
Keep hacking away at this. More will be revealed.
In a way you are ahead of quite a few who come here in that you know that there is something going on with yourself. Its taken me decades to figure out some of my crap. Perhaps I would have done better if I had done the Alanon route.
Keep hacking away at this. More will be revealed.
I was a bit put off by some comments on one of the threads here, where people shared somewhat negative experiences with alanon sessions, particularly one poster who said they turned up to a meeting to find it completely empty.
My anxiety can’t cope with the idea of that happening to me 😂
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Originally Posted by Upsidedown23
I haven’t been to Alanon yet, no. I’m very anxious about new people and new situations, haven’t quite found the guts yet.
I was a bit put off by some comments on one of the threads here, where people shared somewhat negative experiences with alanon sessions, particularly one poster who said they turned up to a meeting to find it completely empty.
My anxiety can’t cope with the idea of that happening to me 😂
I was a bit put off by some comments on one of the threads here, where people shared somewhat negative experiences with alanon sessions, particularly one poster who said they turned up to a meeting to find it completely empty.
My anxiety can’t cope with the idea of that happening to me 😂
Unfortunately, I bet all of us have had to do some searching and experimenting to figure out what worked for us.
Would you feel better with a counselor? Have you read Codependent No More?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Upsidedown.
I am an Al-Anon fan, but agree that it isn’t for everyone.
However, I urge you to give it a go.
Try different meetings for a few weeks.
If it doesn’t help, it doesn’t help, and that’s that.
Many of the meetings are vibrant with lots of membersand some real good experience, strength and hope.
Others, for different reasons struggle to remain viable.
I first began going to Al-Anon when my alcohol addicted brother was in the hospital for an alcohol withdrawal seizure that nearly killed him.
I went with my mom, with whom my brother lived, in hope she could get some clarity about their enmeshed, enabling relationship.
It didn’t take for her, but it sure did for me.
So...I hope you will find out for yourself whether the group can help.
Could be a game changer.
I am an Al-Anon fan, but agree that it isn’t for everyone.
However, I urge you to give it a go.
Try different meetings for a few weeks.
If it doesn’t help, it doesn’t help, and that’s that.
Many of the meetings are vibrant with lots of membersand some real good experience, strength and hope.
Others, for different reasons struggle to remain viable.
I first began going to Al-Anon when my alcohol addicted brother was in the hospital for an alcohol withdrawal seizure that nearly killed him.
I went with my mom, with whom my brother lived, in hope she could get some clarity about their enmeshed, enabling relationship.
It didn’t take for her, but it sure did for me.
So...I hope you will find out for yourself whether the group can help.
Could be a game changer.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
HI upside down, just wanted to say I read your post. You seem like a really nice, thoughtful person and a caring wife. I’m sorry you’re having a low period. I know just how you feel. This whole situation can be hard to cope with. Can you give yourself some little treat today? A mocha? New makeup? A nap? Go watch a movie? If you can get a good nights sleep, things will probably look brighter in the morning. Love and hugs from Sailor
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by Sailorgirl57
HI upside down, just wanted to say I read your post. You seem like a really nice, thoughtful person and a caring wife. I’m sorry you’re having a low period. I know just how you feel. This whole situation can be hard to cope with. Can you give yourself some little treat today? A mocha? New makeup? A nap? Go watch a movie? If you can get a good nights sleep, things will probably look brighter in the morning. Love and hugs from Sailor
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
look up meetings in your locale.....drive by the building, get familiar with the surrounding area. head to a meeting early, park your car, and then watch as other humans begin to assemble and head in doors. notice they don't have three heads, nor are they carrying pitchforks!!! just normal folks assembling for a common purpose.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I was pretty reluctant to go to Al Anon (I am completely not a "group-y" person), but I found it was very low-stress. People said hello to me and offered hugs (which I found a bit weird but it was fine if I just said "no thanks"), but there was no pressure. I sat through my first meeting without saying anything and left without talking to anyone. After a few weeks, I started chatting a bit with people before and after the meeting. Al Anon didn't transform my life, but it did help with feelings of loneliness and isolation.
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