This Is So Tough
ShellyLynn
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 1
This Is So Tough
My son is in Treatment again. He is a heroin, pills, and addicted to whatever he gets addicted to addict. He has overdosed numerous times and has been in and out of detoxes and Treatment. He no longer lives home. He hasn't held a job for long, ever. He swears he wasn't doing heroin this time. It doesn't even matter. The addictive behaviors landed him in Treatment.
I didn't sign up to live my life with him as an addict. I am his biggest emotional support. It's getting tiresome, disappointing and plain sad.
Thank you for reading.
ShellyLynn
I didn't sign up to live my life with him as an addict. I am his biggest emotional support. It's getting tiresome, disappointing and plain sad.
Thank you for reading.
ShellyLynn
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Shelly Lynn. I am a mom who knows exactly how you are feeling. I went through a LONG LONG time of supporting and believing in my son through so many programs, long periods of no contact and also jail. Finally I realized that I could not control the outcome. My son needed to "figure this out" without me. Once I let go, it really helped my peace of mind. It was hard to not meddle or try to control his actions, but it also helped me realize that HE would do what he wanted to do but I didn't have to watch helplessly or be used by him to get what he wanted. Thankfully, he has made a lot of progress and is working a program of recovery. He is near 28 years old, and I think he is finally understanding what responsibility and accountability are. It helped me to NO END to embrace my powerlessness and belief that God would guide my son in a way that I could not.
Hugs to you.
TT
Hugs to you.
TT
Losing It!!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Birmingham Alabama
Posts: 11
Hello
I soooo know exactly how you feel! My 23 year old son started with heroine. He has been to 5 different treatment programs...even went to a sober living for a while...and did amazing while there. Now here we are 7 years later and it’s worse than ever! He is currently in our county jail...just got arrested on Monday. I have ALWAYS been there for him. And I have found out thru my Nar-Anon group that all my “fixing” all his problems really didn’t help him. And I know it’s true. I know the unbearable life sucking squeeze our sons addictions put on us!! My sons addiction has a strong hold of him. Years ago when all of this started for us I did whatever I had to do for him. And I feel guilty as hell for leaving him in jail now. But I am so tired also. Exhausted. Simply can not keep doing this. He spoke with my husband earlier today from jail...he cussed at my husband raising hell because we have not bailed him out of jail yet! Absolutely no respect. The manipulating, the stealing, the lies....it would be going on as we speak if he were out of jail. I am the last person in the world to give anyone advice....everything a parent can do wrong I have done. But coming from someone who drove all the way from Alabama to South Florida twice in one week to pick my son up from rehab because he decided he was ready to leave...us moms learn from our mistakes. We will ALWAYS want to fix it for them...but I’m learning I can’t...that has to be him for a change. We will ALWAYS worry...but we don’t have to feel guilty...we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t change it...our addict has to do that. I have beat myself up all day from guilt of leaving him in jail...until he called cussing and demanding we get him out. I’m learning it’s getting easier for me to let go than to try and hold on. Guess I’m just trying to say...be strong...it will get easier. I have discovered thru my group also that I am a poster child for “co-dependent”-made absolutely no sense at first...but I get it now. Instead of fixing it for him...I am giving it back to him. All the money we have spent on rehabs have not changed him...and it never will until HE is ready...no matter how much I want it for him. I love my boy more than anything in this world and he KNOWS that....but he manipulates me and uses my love for him to manipulate me. Don’t wish this struggle on anyone. I just keep trying to educate myself on addiction...continue going to my group meetings...read all I can on sites like this one...and pray my butt off!!! Been praying ALL day...just to make it thru the day. Right now I KNOW my son is furious and most likely hates me....also praying one day he will thank me
I soooo know exactly how you feel! My 23 year old son started with heroine. He has been to 5 different treatment programs...even went to a sober living for a while...and did amazing while there. Now here we are 7 years later and it’s worse than ever! He is currently in our county jail...just got arrested on Monday. I have ALWAYS been there for him. And I have found out thru my Nar-Anon group that all my “fixing” all his problems really didn’t help him. And I know it’s true. I know the unbearable life sucking squeeze our sons addictions put on us!! My sons addiction has a strong hold of him. Years ago when all of this started for us I did whatever I had to do for him. And I feel guilty as hell for leaving him in jail now. But I am so tired also. Exhausted. Simply can not keep doing this. He spoke with my husband earlier today from jail...he cussed at my husband raising hell because we have not bailed him out of jail yet! Absolutely no respect. The manipulating, the stealing, the lies....it would be going on as we speak if he were out of jail. I am the last person in the world to give anyone advice....everything a parent can do wrong I have done. But coming from someone who drove all the way from Alabama to South Florida twice in one week to pick my son up from rehab because he decided he was ready to leave...us moms learn from our mistakes. We will ALWAYS want to fix it for them...but I’m learning I can’t...that has to be him for a change. We will ALWAYS worry...but we don’t have to feel guilty...we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t change it...our addict has to do that. I have beat myself up all day from guilt of leaving him in jail...until he called cussing and demanding we get him out. I’m learning it’s getting easier for me to let go than to try and hold on. Guess I’m just trying to say...be strong...it will get easier. I have discovered thru my group also that I am a poster child for “co-dependent”-made absolutely no sense at first...but I get it now. Instead of fixing it for him...I am giving it back to him. All the money we have spent on rehabs have not changed him...and it never will until HE is ready...no matter how much I want it for him. I love my boy more than anything in this world and he KNOWS that....but he manipulates me and uses my love for him to manipulate me. Don’t wish this struggle on anyone. I just keep trying to educate myself on addiction...continue going to my group meetings...read all I can on sites like this one...and pray my butt off!!! Been praying ALL day...just to make it thru the day. Right now I KNOW my son is furious and most likely hates me....also praying one day he will thank me
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Michelle. welcome to the boards. There are a lot of us Mamma's who also had to learn that we are not the only answer. My son was in jail three times and two times because of stealing from us. I would NEVER bail him out because all that did is cause me to lose money but also he would go right back to his choice of lifestyle. It took me several years to figure out how to say no. Now he understands this boundary. He is currently sober almost one year in a row, but he knows from our past that if he chooses to use, I am not going to help him in any way except a ride to rehab. I hope all goes well with you. Meetings and reading and sharing really helped me.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
I Can so relate!!
It is tough as a mom to sit back and not focus on the addict but instead focus on our selves.
It goes against every instinct we have! Yet, that is exactly what we need to do!
WAYYYY!!! Easier Said than Done!! Praying and meetings are the only things that are keeping me sane and upright these days.
but then again, If I am brought to my knees, I know what I need to be doing while I am down there!
)
Sending Hugs!!!
It is tough as a mom to sit back and not focus on the addict but instead focus on our selves.
It goes against every instinct we have! Yet, that is exactly what we need to do!
WAYYYY!!! Easier Said than Done!! Praying and meetings are the only things that are keeping me sane and upright these days.
but then again, If I am brought to my knees, I know what I need to be doing while I am down there!
)Sending Hugs!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Shelly Lynn, you have landed in the right place. Welcome!
I understand the weariness of having a child in addiction. I have two daughters who are active in addiction, one with prescription pills, and the other with alcohol.
It took years and years dealing with my oldest before I hit a new bottom and endangered my own recovery. I am a long term (27+ Years) recovering alcoholic/addict, was married to an addict, and now my two daughters.
The biggest lesson that I learned from my oldest is that God has had a plan for me all my life, and he has for her too. God is either everything or he is nothing. When I find myself slipping backwards, I envision a large pair of loving hands (God's) and I place her firmly into them. I sleep easy at night knowing I have turned her over to him.
Today I struggle with my youngest. She is different than my oldest in so many ways. She's a hard worker, no matter what the job is. She's fiercely independent, proud, and has been on horses since age 10. She is an avid horsewoman and takes care of her horses very well.
It's been difficult to admit to myself that she really truly is an alcoholic. I had high hopes for her. She is currently living with me which complicates the situation. I have hit the bone weary, disappointment stage. All my tools I used with my oldest went out the window with this one!
I've started putting boundaries in place. I see a therapist every other week. She does have a move out date in place, and I am enforcing it.
I hope you continue to post, and please know that you are not alone. Warm hugs from Kansas.
I understand the weariness of having a child in addiction. I have two daughters who are active in addiction, one with prescription pills, and the other with alcohol.
It took years and years dealing with my oldest before I hit a new bottom and endangered my own recovery. I am a long term (27+ Years) recovering alcoholic/addict, was married to an addict, and now my two daughters.
The biggest lesson that I learned from my oldest is that God has had a plan for me all my life, and he has for her too. God is either everything or he is nothing. When I find myself slipping backwards, I envision a large pair of loving hands (God's) and I place her firmly into them. I sleep easy at night knowing I have turned her over to him.
Today I struggle with my youngest. She is different than my oldest in so many ways. She's a hard worker, no matter what the job is. She's fiercely independent, proud, and has been on horses since age 10. She is an avid horsewoman and takes care of her horses very well.
It's been difficult to admit to myself that she really truly is an alcoholic. I had high hopes for her. She is currently living with me which complicates the situation. I have hit the bone weary, disappointment stage. All my tools I used with my oldest went out the window with this one!
I've started putting boundaries in place. I see a therapist every other week. She does have a move out date in place, and I am enforcing it.
I hope you continue to post, and please know that you are not alone. Warm hugs from Kansas.
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