Husband on self destruct.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 2
Husband on self destruct.
This is a second marriage of about 18 months. Two years ago my husband lost his son tragically to drug abuse. He has always been a heavy drinker but the death brought on a need for alcohol. Added to this my husband has also been unwell so it has been a tricky couple of years. His addiction has really taken hold recently. He has been found in his car with alcohol and is waiting a court date. He resigned from his job before they fired him. He hides drink and I am tired of coming home to complete chaos in the house or having to go and find him when neighbours have reported him drunk. My own son and parents really dislike the way he behaves and neither feel they are made welcome in my home which is devastating for me. Both however, are really supportive. When sober he is tells me how much he loves me and, to be fair, he maintains this most of the time but I feel like a carer and babysitter. I already have a son with disabilities and looked after him for 19 years so this just feels like having another child. I really want to sell our house and move on but I am feeling guilty and selfish. My husband is a broken man who, whilst seeking help, still seems unable to control his need for alcohol. Basically I am at a loss to know what to do. Stay or go, either way I will feel crappy so.....any advice? Sorry for no paragraphs!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation.
If you haven't yet discovered it, we have a section specifically for the family and friends of alcoholics. You might find some helpful reading there.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
If you haven't yet discovered it, we have a section specifically for the family and friends of alcoholics. You might find some helpful reading there.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
only you can make the stay or go decision.... but you should know that should you choose to move on, protect yourself and your child and do what is best for your own well-being - you are not to be faulted.
You cannot save an addict. He has to save himself.
You cannot be held to account for his recovery or non-recovery - he must own that himself.
You cannot own the burden of 'sparing him' additional pain.... for should you need to leave, that in fact is another of the consequences of HIS choices.
It feels awful - but it's not.
Alcoholism and addiction thrive on the mercy of others.... and use that mercy to destroy them along with the addict.
You cannot save an addict. He has to save himself.
You cannot be held to account for his recovery or non-recovery - he must own that himself.
You cannot own the burden of 'sparing him' additional pain.... for should you need to leave, that in fact is another of the consequences of HIS choices.
It feels awful - but it's not.
Alcoholism and addiction thrive on the mercy of others.... and use that mercy to destroy them along with the addict.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome, Hels.
Unless your husband chooses sobriety and recovery (and I hope he will ) things will just get worse, as alcohol addiction is progressive.
Guilt is a powerful emotion, and it often causes us to stay in untenable situations.
Do you go to Al-Anon? Could be helpful.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you certainly can’t cure it.
Do what is best for you.
Another saying round here: let go or be dragged.
Good luck.
Unless your husband chooses sobriety and recovery (and I hope he will ) things will just get worse, as alcohol addiction is progressive.
Guilt is a powerful emotion, and it often causes us to stay in untenable situations.
Do you go to Al-Anon? Could be helpful.
You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you certainly can’t cure it.
Do what is best for you.
Another saying round here: let go or be dragged.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Leave! Life is too short.
It might be the best favor you ever did him. By enabling you are only perpetuating.
This is a grown man! Look after yourself!
I know this sounds harsh but it is not. There’s NOTHING you can do about his drinking, only he can and it seems that he isn’t interested in stopping.
Keep us posted.
It might be the best favor you ever did him. By enabling you are only perpetuating.
This is a grown man! Look after yourself!
I know this sounds harsh but it is not. There’s NOTHING you can do about his drinking, only he can and it seems that he isn’t interested in stopping.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Stay or go, either way I will feel crappy so.....any advice?
Nothing wrong with a temporary separation so you can find some peace...I agree that Al Anon is a good idea. It is meetings for friends and family of alcoholics and you'll receive an education and support at (free) meetings. Look up Al Anon in your area on the internet or call the phone number for AA in your area.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
He obviously needs to want and get help on his own. What's your plan? I've always felt horrible when a parent has to bury their child and do think if that occured in my life, I could be led back to the bottle..Having said that; I'd not expect, nor even want someone to watch me do it. You have your own life to lead as happily as possible. Get to it.
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