newpower

So here goes.
I went to rehab in October got about 3 months of continues sobriety up when retiring from the rehab.
Was going well decided I was ok to drink again, great idea.
So now I’m back on the train again.
My wife is very angry and giving me a really hard time about my drinking again.
I’m torn about my drinking too. I feel like I should be able to drink its normal to drink. I’m angry that it’s an issue for my wife.
When I went to rehab I was suicidal and very close to the edge but I guess it’s hard for me to connect with that place again because I got better to a degree.
I don’t know if I really want to stop but I know I have to for my sake and my family’s sake.
It’s hard for me to admit I was wrong I don’t have anyone to talk to about this I feel so alone with my feelings.
I don’t even know why I started drinking again. Perhaps stress or just because I could.
I don’t know how to really live a sober life if that’s even possible.
Since I stopped drinking I’ve had so much anger and frustration even little things that I know in my head are stupid to get angry about are driving me insane. I get to angry I could punch people for making noise.
I don’t know where my anger is coming from I don’t know how to deal with it and the only thing I found that has brought any relief is alcohol. But that has a cost too.
Not really sure what I’m hoping to get from this post but I thought maybe it might help to get it out somehow to people who may understand somewhat.
Thanks for reading

Dee74

It sounds like you're pretty conflicted about not drinking - thats a usual source of anger.

I also think you're not really angry at your wife - you seem like a thoughtful intelligent guy - you know this is not her fault.

maybe you're more angry at yourself?

I had to pick which team I was on - Team Alcoholism or Team Recovery - and when I did that - and started acting accordingly that anger left me?

D

Forward12

She should be. It sounds like your alcoholism is out of control and you are putting it in front of everything.
"Normal" drinking, such as a single beer at a superbowl party or new years is normal. Getting drunk every day that lands you in rehab isn't.
It's your choice to make the right decision to get sober, go to daily AA meetings, and do the best for you and the ones closest to you.
If you can't do this, it will be best to file the divorce papers so you can drink yourself to death to save her the misery.
Not trying to sound harsh, but alcoholism is a very serious problem.

Snowydelrico

Sounds like my life when I was a drinker.
Stoped drinking to please my partner.
Thought if I can go so long without it then there is no problem.
Repeated that a few times.
Got counciling for my drink to try and prove there wasn’t a problem.
Stoped for a while.
Started again, lost my 10 year relationship.
Still in denial doing the same thing with the partner I have now.
6 years down the line nearly lost this relationship.
Eventually realised that I couldn’t have one single drink.
Made the decision, the weight lifted from my shoulders.
I got on with my recovery and a year down the line things are better around.

Living sober isn’t scary.
Change or the unknown is.
But that’s only in your head.
Keep putting the building blocks down and you end up with a new build.
Put the blocks down drunk and it’s more likely to break.

Please don’t play with fire, you don’t have to go to hell to find the truth.
Come to SR instead and accept drink isn’t the right lifestyle.
Take care

newpower

I know drinking doesn't work in my life but i find it hard to admit im beaten. Making everyone right about my drinking. It sounds stupid.
Also living sober is hard dealing with life.
Things were improving when i was completely sober.

Snowydelrico

If you’re struggling with making a decision.
Ask yourself what’s more important.
My wife and family or drink.
Keep in mind that whether you believe this or not, One drink is too many.

DontRemember

I'll play...what's your suggestion on how to handle your drinking?

Delizadee

Anger is a good driver if you turn it and drive it the right way.

Apathy is not a good friend though if you're drinking.

I am not that far off drawing a complete parallel to you right now. Although I have no spouse. I have me to fight with.

Newpower, none of us need a reason to start or keep drinking. I mean, the sky is blue or the wind is blowing west and its a good reason to drink.

I also found sober life to be absolutely grueling in the first year I really took a hack at it.

But then I thought back to all those years long ago, and to all the other people out there, and you know what? Life is tough. Recovery is not rainbows and sunshine. You worked hard to get sober once. You can do it again, and find a way to make it stick.
When we stop taking care of ourselves. Isolating. Dropping your recovery plan.
Your wife has to worry about taking care of herself.

Be kind to her. But you have to make yourself a priority.

What's the next step?

Gottalife

Quite a few of our lot have had similar experiences. Why not make a call and see if you can get to talk to one of us about your problems. We will share some of our experiences and you can see how your experience compares.

If it makes sense, you may want to go to an AA meeting to find out how people go about solving this problem. That is about what I did. The one thing I would not suggest is just turning up at a meeting cold. You never know what you will strike.

johnnyt53

When an alcoholic drinks, they do just one more time what didn't work before. That is the insanity of the disease. I couldn't or wouldn't see that. That was my denial. There is one who has all the power, I don't. When I truly ask for help, I get it. Virtually no one wants to admit it, the ego would rather die than change. Surrendering will always feel like dying. Rise from the ashes.

newpower

I agree maybe my ego is too high

newpower

I've gone to aa and na i was going regularly but I'm really shy and find it difficult to talk to people. Im really embarrassed about being so beaten. And i feel alone too. But there is also another part of me that doesn't believe there is or was a problem. Although i was drinking over 100 standard drinks a week. And could easily get back into that pattern again.

MyLittleHorsie

Don't think of it as you are beaten. Alcohol and you are not friends, you have the power to vanquish it from your life. You don't have to drink. A sober life is normal and it is worth embracing.

You might need to change your recovery method. I think you have yo change your thinking to change your life.

Rar

You are not beaten. Anger is a big trigger for me too. When I feel angry, I get the "I don't care anymore" attitude. I have to fight that and work on not getting angry in the first place. The first step is not to drink. Work on the issues as they surface, either here or through AA or another program. Hang in there. You can do this.

August252015

Lots of people here can relate to what you posted- I just picked out salient points to share my experience.

Getting sober isn't easy, but the quitting part is the first step. I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink, no matter what.

And - crucially- I had to worry about ME first, not my parents who I had hurt so badly, or anyone else - as sober time grew (I just had 2 years this week), I became able to "deal" and heal with others and my relationships.

Hope to see you around here. I'm one to tell you that EVERYTHING is better sober.

JJ991

I was defeated, angry, frustrated, you name it . Through alcohol counselling I started to see alcohol as the enemy, I did battle with it, I swore at it, I used my anger to beat it down. After a while these feelings lessened, I learned to accept my situation and make the decision to quit completely.

I'm not saying it is easy, it takes work, but it IS possible.

icewater1961

Is it possible, at this point, to handle your drinking? In my experience I could not handle it, it had to be all or nothing! The ugly truth is that once an alcoholic we no longer can drink. Do or die.

Anna

I think the conflict within you is probably at the root of your anger. You don't want to stop drinking and don't think you should have to, and yet your wife sees things very differently, and to some extent you understand her concerns. I hope that you will be able to decide to stop drinking for good.

DontRemember

I handle my drinking by not adding alcohol to my body. There was some therapy, AA and a lot of posting/reading on SR tossed into the mix too. When I got serious about getting/staying sober I was mad at the world for allowing me to get/act that way. Ego was one of the hard parts in getting sober for me and I'm sure it's that way for a lot of folks. I mean..We're a pretty 'smart' group and it's hard to tell us reality and it's even harder for us to accept that we're wrong. Someone mentioned "Humility" the other day...not understanding what that one word meant to my sobriety kept me drinking longer than I should have.

AnvilheadII

newpower, i see you've been a member since 2013.....so this "battle" is not new, and the problems that alcohol brings to your life are REAL. you are clinging to drinking as if it is a contest, or that it somehow escalates your standing in the eyes of others.

however quite simply, you have an illness for which there is a solution. the benefits of sobriety are not immediate, they take time, and work, but that effort is much easier than all the shenanigans that alcohol REQUIRES of the alcoholic.

you will have to learn new ways to deal with life on life's terms. you will learn how to handle your anger, in healthy manageable ways. and that would be a very brave and commendable thing to do.

your wife and kids really deserve a sober present YOU!