Really struggling
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Really struggling
Re leaving my fiancé, My thoughts right now:
- was I so scarred from my past (my alcoholic abusive ex) that I couldn’t see my current fiancé as who he truly was-a good guy?
- fiancé did and said some things that were just like my ex...triggered me. I figured I just had to get over them bc they were in the past-fiancé told me he wasn’t my ex and wouldn’t hurt me. Were those triggers from the past alcoholic abuse or red flags for the present/fiancé?
- maybe he just didn’t know any better and I should have just explained my frustrations to him (vs bottling them up and exploding)
- he was so incredibly good to us, maybe he was just immature
- was my self esteem so low that I accepted not good behavior OR was my self esteem so low that I pushed him away bc I didn’t think I was worthy?
- I felt embarrassed to bring things up with him. I couldn’t talk. Sometimes simple stuff I would blow up at bc I assumed and didn’t just talk or ask him. I sucked at communicating, esp in person...writing I am much better at
My biggest question through all of it was not knowing if I was fighting my past or my current...I was fighting something... sometimes I didn’t even know what or who. Or what words to say. And when I get like that I kind of shut down. And when j don’t feel heard or that my jeexsxare being honored I can explode-not a good thing at all. I feel like the shrew in all of this-breaking off an engagement and hurting him and his daughter. His handwritten note from two weeks ago said he was “too hurt, sad and vulnerable” to see me in person....you know hurt by my text that called him out on his BS, angrily I might add.
No, he wasn’t mature enough to be my husband or my girls dad/role model.
I must figure out ME so I don’t let this happen again-not fair to anyone involved, esp for my girls.
Lots to think about for ME through all of this. Any straight up truth or advice is always needed!
- was I so scarred from my past (my alcoholic abusive ex) that I couldn’t see my current fiancé as who he truly was-a good guy?
- fiancé did and said some things that were just like my ex...triggered me. I figured I just had to get over them bc they were in the past-fiancé told me he wasn’t my ex and wouldn’t hurt me. Were those triggers from the past alcoholic abuse or red flags for the present/fiancé?
- maybe he just didn’t know any better and I should have just explained my frustrations to him (vs bottling them up and exploding)
- he was so incredibly good to us, maybe he was just immature
- was my self esteem so low that I accepted not good behavior OR was my self esteem so low that I pushed him away bc I didn’t think I was worthy?
- I felt embarrassed to bring things up with him. I couldn’t talk. Sometimes simple stuff I would blow up at bc I assumed and didn’t just talk or ask him. I sucked at communicating, esp in person...writing I am much better at
My biggest question through all of it was not knowing if I was fighting my past or my current...I was fighting something... sometimes I didn’t even know what or who. Or what words to say. And when I get like that I kind of shut down. And when j don’t feel heard or that my jeexsxare being honored I can explode-not a good thing at all. I feel like the shrew in all of this-breaking off an engagement and hurting him and his daughter. His handwritten note from two weeks ago said he was “too hurt, sad and vulnerable” to see me in person....you know hurt by my text that called him out on his BS, angrily I might add.
No, he wasn’t mature enough to be my husband or my girls dad/role model.
I must figure out ME so I don’t let this happen again-not fair to anyone involved, esp for my girls.
Lots to think about for ME through all of this. Any straight up truth or advice is always needed!
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pheonix 
Please go back and look at what you wrote in your opening post to the "Alcoholic to Narcissist" thread. This man did have many, many red flags that had nothing to do with viewing him through your own past experiences.
If someone professes their undying love at 3 weeks - red flag.
If someone always turns the conversation around to them - red flag.
If someone says they will never leave you at 3 weeks - red flag.
If someone's behavior is over-the-top romantic and non-stop - red flag.
I have experienced the 'love bomber', and I have experienced real, lasting love. Real and lasting love takes time. Time to get to know one another, time to discern whether or not your lives would actually mesh successfully, and time for real feelings of love *and* friendship to develop.
I know you are devastated by this, and I am sorry. You deserve a truly wonderful, grown-up, loving relationship. And that takes time and consideration.
Sending warm hugs! I hope today dawns a bit brighter
Please go back and look at what you wrote in your opening post to the "Alcoholic to Narcissist" thread. This man did have many, many red flags that had nothing to do with viewing him through your own past experiences.
If someone professes their undying love at 3 weeks - red flag.
If someone always turns the conversation around to them - red flag.
If someone says they will never leave you at 3 weeks - red flag.
If someone's behavior is over-the-top romantic and non-stop - red flag.
I have experienced the 'love bomber', and I have experienced real, lasting love. Real and lasting love takes time. Time to get to know one another, time to discern whether or not your lives would actually mesh successfully, and time for real feelings of love *and* friendship to develop.
I know you are devastated by this, and I am sorry. You deserve a truly wonderful, grown-up, loving relationship. And that takes time and consideration.
Sending warm hugs! I hope today dawns a bit brighter
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Phoenix, I think what comes down to, when you step away all of the questions which are impossible to answer, is that YOU are not in a great place RIGHT NOW for a relationship.
There is no person that can come along when we aren’t ready that will MAKE us ready. Sometimes it is just unfortunate timing. There are billions of people in the world. Letting one get away is NEVER the end of the line.
That is ok, it is normal. I felt ready before I really was once too. It does not mean you will never be ready.
The best thing I could do was work on my relationship with MYSELF.
(But for what it is worth, this particular Guy is covered in red flags)
There is no person that can come along when we aren’t ready that will MAKE us ready. Sometimes it is just unfortunate timing. There are billions of people in the world. Letting one get away is NEVER the end of the line.
That is ok, it is normal. I felt ready before I really was once too. It does not mean you will never be ready.
The best thing I could do was work on my relationship with MYSELF.
(But for what it is worth, this particular Guy is covered in red flags)
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Lol-God is working in me these days and my dreams are crazy, y’all...my brain is processing...a lot. I dreamed last night about when he cane over and gave me a box of chocolates a year ago and was acting all shaky and coy telling me he had never bought chocolate for anyone before-even his ex wife (Um, yeah, I did Facebook stalk his ex once just to see what she was all about and she has two pictures of chocolates from him for Valentine’s Day, etc). This dude lied about EVERYTHING. (And I bought it hook line and sinker)
I realize I did see things that were not ok-I need to get to the place where I can walk away from those-that definitely shows me I was not ready for a good relationship. Thank you all!!!
I realize I did see things that were not ok-I need to get to the place where I can walk away from those-that definitely shows me I was not ready for a good relationship. Thank you all!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Dear Phoenix,
You asked: "- was I so scarred from my past (my alcoholic abusive ex) that I couldn’t see my current fiancé as who he truly was-a good guy?..."
Well, he very well MIGHT be a "good guy." The more important question at hand is, "are we good together?" You can have two perfectly "good" people who can destroy each other in an inappropriate relationship.
You also wrote:
" No, he wasn’t mature enough to be my husband or my girls dad/role model. ..."
There you are!!! You weren't a match.
Maybe now is the time to NOT DATE and figure out why you were attracted to a "Peter Pan" type. Our culture is full of men like that.
You asked: "- was I so scarred from my past (my alcoholic abusive ex) that I couldn’t see my current fiancé as who he truly was-a good guy?..."
Well, he very well MIGHT be a "good guy." The more important question at hand is, "are we good together?" You can have two perfectly "good" people who can destroy each other in an inappropriate relationship.
You also wrote:
" No, he wasn’t mature enough to be my husband or my girls dad/role model. ..."
There you are!!! You weren't a match.
Maybe now is the time to NOT DATE and figure out why you were attracted to a "Peter Pan" type. Our culture is full of men like that.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by thephoenixrises 
^^^^sparkle: so this was just me not being ready??
Seren: thank you...I know I have work to do on ME! Thank you for your words!
Seren: thank you...I know I have work to do on ME! Thank you for your words!
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Originally Posted by thephoenixrises
I realize I did see things that were not ok-I need to get to the place where I can walk away from those-that definitely shows me I was not ready for a good relationship. Thank you all!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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I did not feel safe. Too many exaggerations and straight lies. I excused it as maybe he’s just forgetful. Maybe he just say the wrong things. But I started seeing he would lie about anything. (“I was so nervous buying condoms today bc I had no clue what to buy-I’ve never bought them before” hmmm dude you had a huge box of condoms in your truck when we met!!) just blatant lies. It was pure manipulation. All that had nothing to do with my “issues”. But my issue was why didn’t I confront him on things like this? Why didn’t I bring that directly up with him in that moment...why? Bc I was scared of another “oh I just forget and say the wrong things” excuse. I’ve got to be able to speak up more.
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My mind today-maybe I just made him into the bad guy in my head. The guy I couldn’t trust, I made him into the bad guy, the enemy. I was begging and pleading a couple of weeks ago and now I’ve done a 180. Am I just not willing to see my part in this? Maybe I just pushed too hard?
Therapy needed.
Therapy needed.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I could be off base but the problem I see here is that is what he TOLD you. You are the problem, he can't deal with YOUR issues, your issues are ruining the relationship and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy!
What is he some kind of counsellor, a psychologist, relationship expert, abuse expert?
Well no he's not, but he sure thinks highly of himself.
Manipulation can be messy. I see you going back and forth and it's almost like you are seeing him as two different people - good guy/bad guy.
Good guy was so good! He did <insert generous action here> and said this <insert over the top compliments here> and was this - did I over-react, was he right? Hang on, this guy lied about this and this and what about the car seats and leaving us by the side of the road. Wow, glad I got away from him!
I bet you could come up with 10 things right off the top of your head that were "off" about this guy. 20 if you took a few minutes to think about it.
What is he some kind of counsellor, a psychologist, relationship expert, abuse expert?
Well no he's not, but he sure thinks highly of himself.
Manipulation can be messy. I see you going back and forth and it's almost like you are seeing him as two different people - good guy/bad guy.
Good guy was so good! He did <insert generous action here> and said this <insert over the top compliments here> and was this - did I over-react, was he right? Hang on, this guy lied about this and this and what about the car seats and leaving us by the side of the road. Wow, glad I got away from him!
I bet you could come up with 10 things right off the top of your head that were "off" about this guy. 20 if you took a few minutes to think about it.
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^^^ no, that is what I told myself and what I told him...time after time. He just repeats what I say...literally. I guess I just thought that there are always red flags or red flags that turn into white flags over time...anytime I bought something up he would make me feel bad and tell me he wasn’t perfect and would always mess up but that he didn’t mean to hurt me. Yes, I am black and white thinking and I am seeing him as good and bad-aren’t we supposed to take the bad with the good?
My psychiatrist friend told me last night:
My psychiatrist friend just sent me this (she’s known all along and is very blunt):
“Hit the breaks, girl. You are not perfect, but you didn't 'play' the same game he was pulling. No, he was not all bad, but there are plenty of not good actions, too. You can't control the way another acts.”
I think that’s pretty accurate. Again, I never got validated from my ex husband or ever will be-or get an apology. And that’s ok. And now I am not getting anything from ex fiancé-only blaming me. It feels like I’m right back where I was years ago thinking shoot, I should have seen the red flags and yet again another guy that can’t own his faults. He asked me to marry him two months ago and now I’m nothing.
My psychiatrist friend told me last night:
My psychiatrist friend just sent me this (she’s known all along and is very blunt):
“Hit the breaks, girl. You are not perfect, but you didn't 'play' the same game he was pulling. No, he was not all bad, but there are plenty of not good actions, too. You can't control the way another acts.”
I think that’s pretty accurate. Again, I never got validated from my ex husband or ever will be-or get an apology. And that’s ok. And now I am not getting anything from ex fiancé-only blaming me. It feels like I’m right back where I was years ago thinking shoot, I should have seen the red flags and yet again another guy that can’t own his faults. He asked me to marry him two months ago and now I’m nothing.
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Good with the bad yes. Bad being, not putting the toothpaste cap on after using it.
Forgetting to unload the dishwasher. Not always wiping their feet before walking in to the kitchen with their work boots on. lol
Or maybe not always being present or understanding. We all do variations on these things from time to time, but it is generally without malice and in no way are we trying to hurt anyone else.
Yes, we can all misunderstand sometimes, especially if we are getting to know someone.
I just don't see that here. The red flags are huge banners, not just flags. He is mean. It's not you!
I hope you have written a list of every terrible thing he did and said and that you are reviewing it when these thoughts crop up.
The truth is, if you think you are wrong about him you can probably get together with him and talk it out. You are aware though now.
Forgetting to unload the dishwasher. Not always wiping their feet before walking in to the kitchen with their work boots on. lol
Or maybe not always being present or understanding. We all do variations on these things from time to time, but it is generally without malice and in no way are we trying to hurt anyone else.
Yes, we can all misunderstand sometimes, especially if we are getting to know someone.
I just don't see that here. The red flags are huge banners, not just flags. He is mean. It's not you!
I hope you have written a list of every terrible thing he did and said and that you are reviewing it when these thoughts crop up.
The truth is, if you think you are wrong about him you can probably get together with him and talk it out. You are aware though now.
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^^^ it doesn’t matter the “why”...none of it was ok or acceptable especially coming from a man calling himself Godly. Yes, there were great amazing things about him...but the bad and the lies and immaturity ended it for me. Period. Huge learning experience...run away from red flags!
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I hope you do not continue to doubt yourself and learn you can trust your instincts. They were dead on!! You just didn't want to believe it. Thank God...for showing you the truth and begin to heal. He is just another learning lesson.
Be good to yourself. You deserve it!!
Be good to yourself. You deserve it!!
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