can't stop worrying/ overthinking. Don't know what to do!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 4
can't stop worrying/ overthinking. Don't know what to do!
Hi all,
First and foremost I am not a drug user. Most of my family including both parents, 2 aunts, and one cousin all have pain pill/opioid addiction, my father has also been a major alcoholic my whole life and I found my mother overdosed back in April. I am 20 years old and drink on occasions. I very recently met a guy who is 25 and we've been dating only for one month. ever since our first date we felt such a strong connection for eachother, we both come from broken homes and both have families that suffer from addiction/mental health issues. we felt so comfortable around eachother and telling stories all night. It was nice to have someone to talk to about these issues and not feel embarrassed or ashamed of my upbringing. The more we are getting to know one another I look into things and find out that he himself has actually went thru drug/ alcohol abuse and has a criminal history along with one year away in rehab. I became skeptical of this but looked past it ignorantly because I felt as if I was already growing feelings for him. Something about him draws me in because we have so much in common even within our personalities and interests. Nights when he was sober or normal we would stay up till 6am talking, laughing, telling stories and having good conversation He never pressured sex and never brought it up until we were both comfortable. I loved how he was just as broken as I was, he said he just wanted a relationship and someone who was going to love him. During the third week of hanging out is when things started to go south....I noticed constant changes in mood and behavior. nights I would sleep over he would be grumpy and quiet in the morning but then he'd "go to the store" and come back sweating, talkative, fidgity, and always rubbing his face. I asked what he took and he said xanax. One night I caught him nodding out and slurring his words falling asleep, nearly choked in his sleep and woke me up in a panic. this was also the night I realized $95 was missing out of my purse. I was so hurt, we had just made it official. after everything I told him with my own family robbing me and all the pain they caused me I was very dissapointed and upset with him because it basically confirmed that he is actively using. Of course he denied it when I confronted him saying that he was "heartbroken I'd ask that" and I was going to stick to my guns and not contact him. We had not spoke for a couple days but I naively texted him asking if he was ok. He ended up admitting to me that he does have a problem, mainly with pills and xanax and that he was so ashamed and he didnt want to lose me, he didnt want to drag me down and that I was too good for him. after talking, he said that he wanted to change for the better and I said I would help I decided to give him another chance, I spend the night again a couple days and everything seemed fine. Then it happened again. he comes home in that weird hyperactive mood and looks and sounds as if hes on crystal meth. I ask his mother and she said no, he takes xanax and gets a reverse effect cause of adhd. I got upset with this behavior, later on in the day it started calming down and he was back to normal and himself that night. we wake up this morning and decided to be productive. we were both up early, made coffee smoked a cigarette, showered and he got ready to go for an interview for a second job, we had a good morning he and I were both in a good mood. I'm driving and as we're almost there we get a call from his house that his mom is missing $100 and they want him out. he immediately starts crying and exclaiming he didn't do it and that he's being blamed. I couldn't say much because I knew he had taken my money before. My behavior around him at this moment began to switch, I wasn't noticing change in him even though he was trying to be productive I see the pattern and realize I'm being manipulated and suckered into it, but part of me doesnt want to believe that and wants to believe he truly does care and that he just needs help. Anyways, he winds up getting the job but notices a change in my mood he says he feels like everyone hates him and hes a burden. we get back to his house and he winds up being kicked out. He comes back to the car crying still repeating that it wasn't him. I'm at a stop sign and he gets out of the car and tells me "run away from me, run far away I'm a burden" I felt heartbroken. I so desperately want to help him but I know theres not much I can do. I'm so worried about his safety, I have no idea where he is or if he used, or if he overdosed somewhere. I know we have not been together long at all but I find myself caring deeply for this situation and especially because I've had my own family members go through this very situation this one really hits home and I can't stop thinking about him . Please give me advice on how I should move on.
First and foremost I am not a drug user. Most of my family including both parents, 2 aunts, and one cousin all have pain pill/opioid addiction, my father has also been a major alcoholic my whole life and I found my mother overdosed back in April. I am 20 years old and drink on occasions. I very recently met a guy who is 25 and we've been dating only for one month. ever since our first date we felt such a strong connection for eachother, we both come from broken homes and both have families that suffer from addiction/mental health issues. we felt so comfortable around eachother and telling stories all night. It was nice to have someone to talk to about these issues and not feel embarrassed or ashamed of my upbringing. The more we are getting to know one another I look into things and find out that he himself has actually went thru drug/ alcohol abuse and has a criminal history along with one year away in rehab. I became skeptical of this but looked past it ignorantly because I felt as if I was already growing feelings for him. Something about him draws me in because we have so much in common even within our personalities and interests. Nights when he was sober or normal we would stay up till 6am talking, laughing, telling stories and having good conversation He never pressured sex and never brought it up until we were both comfortable. I loved how he was just as broken as I was, he said he just wanted a relationship and someone who was going to love him. During the third week of hanging out is when things started to go south....I noticed constant changes in mood and behavior. nights I would sleep over he would be grumpy and quiet in the morning but then he'd "go to the store" and come back sweating, talkative, fidgity, and always rubbing his face. I asked what he took and he said xanax. One night I caught him nodding out and slurring his words falling asleep, nearly choked in his sleep and woke me up in a panic. this was also the night I realized $95 was missing out of my purse. I was so hurt, we had just made it official. after everything I told him with my own family robbing me and all the pain they caused me I was very dissapointed and upset with him because it basically confirmed that he is actively using. Of course he denied it when I confronted him saying that he was "heartbroken I'd ask that" and I was going to stick to my guns and not contact him. We had not spoke for a couple days but I naively texted him asking if he was ok. He ended up admitting to me that he does have a problem, mainly with pills and xanax and that he was so ashamed and he didnt want to lose me, he didnt want to drag me down and that I was too good for him. after talking, he said that he wanted to change for the better and I said I would help I decided to give him another chance, I spend the night again a couple days and everything seemed fine. Then it happened again. he comes home in that weird hyperactive mood and looks and sounds as if hes on crystal meth. I ask his mother and she said no, he takes xanax and gets a reverse effect cause of adhd. I got upset with this behavior, later on in the day it started calming down and he was back to normal and himself that night. we wake up this morning and decided to be productive. we were both up early, made coffee smoked a cigarette, showered and he got ready to go for an interview for a second job, we had a good morning he and I were both in a good mood. I'm driving and as we're almost there we get a call from his house that his mom is missing $100 and they want him out. he immediately starts crying and exclaiming he didn't do it and that he's being blamed. I couldn't say much because I knew he had taken my money before. My behavior around him at this moment began to switch, I wasn't noticing change in him even though he was trying to be productive I see the pattern and realize I'm being manipulated and suckered into it, but part of me doesnt want to believe that and wants to believe he truly does care and that he just needs help. Anyways, he winds up getting the job but notices a change in my mood he says he feels like everyone hates him and hes a burden. we get back to his house and he winds up being kicked out. He comes back to the car crying still repeating that it wasn't him. I'm at a stop sign and he gets out of the car and tells me "run away from me, run far away I'm a burden" I felt heartbroken. I so desperately want to help him but I know theres not much I can do. I'm so worried about his safety, I have no idea where he is or if he used, or if he overdosed somewhere. I know we have not been together long at all but I find myself caring deeply for this situation and especially because I've had my own family members go through this very situation this one really hits home and I can't stop thinking about him . Please give me advice on how I should move on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Rosxex 
Please give me advice on how I should move on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Rosxex.
Welcome.
You are correct.
You are being suckered and manipulated.
Guard your financial data, change passwords, etc.
You can’t help him, and it sounds as though you are a source of revenue for him, nothing more.
I would block him and stay away.
Nothing but trouble ahead if you don’t.
Welcome.
You are correct.
You are being suckered and manipulated.
Guard your financial data, change passwords, etc.
You can’t help him, and it sounds as though you are a source of revenue for him, nothing more.
I would block him and stay away.
Nothing but trouble ahead if you don’t.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I can see the attraction of having people who has been through similar experiences as you, who can understand you... BUT,this does not need to be your partner, and especially one who has his own recovery to work through before he will be ready to be emotionally available, or start to work through his FOO (family of origin) 'stuff' himself.
Could I urge you, please, to look at ACoA or similar so you can start to understand how these experiences might have affected you, and reasons why you (we) can be drawn to and end up in chaos and dramatic relationships and lifestyles as a consequence of this. The good news is that none of this needs to be inevitable, if we are willing to work on ourselves and learn new and better ways of dealing with life and relationships than those that were modelled to us, and those that 'got us through' on the short term, but can become counter productive in the long term. For many people opting out of thinking or feeling was a short term strategy we adopted so that we could survive, and drugs or alcohol or other things were what we immediately found to give us a release, but they (as your boyfriend has found) bring their own hopelessness and unmanageability to our lives. You cannot save him. He needs the space to save himself. Please, focus on you for now. Reach out and make friends in recovery who understand by all means, and learn from those AHEAD of you on the path.
BB
Could I urge you, please, to look at ACoA or similar so you can start to understand how these experiences might have affected you, and reasons why you (we) can be drawn to and end up in chaos and dramatic relationships and lifestyles as a consequence of this. The good news is that none of this needs to be inevitable, if we are willing to work on ourselves and learn new and better ways of dealing with life and relationships than those that were modelled to us, and those that 'got us through' on the short term, but can become counter productive in the long term. For many people opting out of thinking or feeling was a short term strategy we adopted so that we could survive, and drugs or alcohol or other things were what we immediately found to give us a release, but they (as your boyfriend has found) bring their own hopelessness and unmanageability to our lives. You cannot save him. He needs the space to save himself. Please, focus on you for now. Reach out and make friends in recovery who understand by all means, and learn from those AHEAD of you on the path.
BB
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Quietly and firmly allow yourself to disengage. These are beyond red flags.
That doesn't sound like Xanax to me. Why does he need to go out to the store to take it? If he doesn't have a prescription, why not? If he's taking it legally, why is he stealing money?
Sounds like his mother is as implicated as he is. Even if what she says is true, he's still an addict, lying to you, stealing from you, charming you into keeping him around.
Bad situation. Trying to make it work will only lead to heartache. If someone has at least a year of sobriety under their belt, is committed to a plan and sticking to it, seems honest with themselves (REALLY honest) and isn't showing any warning signs of using, you might be OK. He is none of those things.
That doesn't sound like Xanax to me. Why does he need to go out to the store to take it? If he doesn't have a prescription, why not? If he's taking it legally, why is he stealing money?
Sounds like his mother is as implicated as he is. Even if what she says is true, he's still an addict, lying to you, stealing from you, charming you into keeping him around.
Bad situation. Trying to make it work will only lead to heartache. If someone has at least a year of sobriety under their belt, is committed to a plan and sticking to it, seems honest with themselves (REALLY honest) and isn't showing any warning signs of using, you might be OK. He is none of those things.
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