Newbie, but appreciate all the advice that has been posted
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Newbie, but appreciate all the advice that has been posted
So my story, my fiance slipped 4 weeks ago after being sober for 400+ days. We have known each other since we were 11, but had not been in touch for 20 years until we reconnected in 2016. When we first reconnected she told me that she was an alcoholic and was in recovery, at that time only for 6 months, but she was going to AA, counseling, meditating regularly. In July 2017, we became engaged and I bought a house for us in October, 2017. Flash forward to Jan, 2018. I came back from a business trip during which my grandmother who lived in another state died. We were scheduled to attend a engagement party that was being held for us, but I told my fiance that I had to attend the funeral instead. She was very upset that I would miss the party. We had an argument in which we agreed to disagree. I decided to leave for the night as I have an apartment an hour to the north that I use for work. She sent me a text that I was making things worse by leaving so I came back home. She was a completely different person...very happy....I knew something was wrong....I asked her why she was so happy all of a sudden and if she had been drinking. She said no, so as I walked away she said she was having a glass of wine..it was hidden behind her computer...I snatched it and poured it out. I looked for the bottle but couldn't find it. I left the room, she locked the door, and I heard the cork come out of the bottle. I got back in the room, poured the now half bottle of wine out. I called her best friend, her sponsor, her dad all to tell her to go to bed, her dad came to the house, we both said she needed to go to bed, but she said she wanted to "party." She scared her dad way, I hid all the medication, weapons, her keys and purse in my office and slept on my office floor so she wouldn't hurt herself. She proceeded to scream and bang around the home until 3am at which point she passed out. I knew it was just the alcohol doing all this and not her The next morning, I came in her office to check on her, she stank of cigarettes and Listerine. I
brought her water and crackers to help with the hangover. She told me she drank 2 bottles of wine (one was a white from 2004, yuck), a bottle of Listerine (28% alcohol in case you didn't know, I didn't), and a bottle of NyQuil, in addition to several pills on Benadryl. I knew she would be passed out for most of the day so I went about my routines away from the house. I came back that evening and she was mad that I had been gone for so long, was really upset with my actions the previous night, and just kept saying hurtful things...I thought she was drinking again, and I lost it! I said things to her that I regretted later about her destroying everything we worked for, that if she was drinking she couldn't stay in the house, etc. I was hurt. To top it all off, she recorded me on her phone saying the things I said. Ugh! We were both supposed to fly to my grandmothers funeral the next morning. I struggled if she should come or not as she was SO hateful. She told me if she didn't come with me, she wouldn't be at the house when I came back....so reluctantly I said she should come.....The whole trip, she wouldn't talk to me, acknowledge me, anything...except exchange cell phone notes on the flight on how hurt she was by my actions and she didn't know who I was. When I saw my folks at the hotel after we landed, she said she needed a nap. My folks and I went to lunch and I started crying and told them she had relapsed. My folks reminded me that we were getting married in 90 days....I had been in a bad relationship for 10 years prior to meeting my fiance....I knew we at least had to delay the wedding so I had better tools to handle a relapse. I told my fiance that evening, and understandably she freaked out. I drove her back to the airport, paid for her return ticket, and made sure she got to security. I told her I wanted to work things out, but she said "you either want to get married or you don't." The next morning I found out my other grandmother had died...when it rains it pours.. I came back from the first funeral two days later. I had been in touch with her family, sponsor, and best friend to tell them I still loved her and wanted to work things out. She was mad about that. She was still in our house, so I grabbed a couple of things and left to my apartment. She said we were done. I told her she could stay in the house as long as she needed as long as she tried to work things out. She refused and found an apartment somewhere and moved out two days later. She left practically everything that was hers in the house...All she took was a mattress, her clothes, a few dishes, and a few pieces of furniture. I told her to sell what ever she wanted to in order to help her move, but she said she didn't have time for any of that. She texted me that she's lost all this money on the wedding, her move, etc. and that I had dragged her and her family "through Hell." I decided to not contact her for awhile, but did tell her I loved her. She now texts between angry texts about how we never would have worked out and texts to check in to see how I am doing. I have not replied to these. On the plus side, I am meditating, attending Al-Anon, began a journal to write how I'm feeling, and am getting counseling. Her 2 year anniversary of when she started recovery in on March 5. I thought about sending her a card, thoughts? If you made it to this part, I appreciate the time you've taken to read all of this. Thank you!
brought her water and crackers to help with the hangover. She told me she drank 2 bottles of wine (one was a white from 2004, yuck), a bottle of Listerine (28% alcohol in case you didn't know, I didn't), and a bottle of NyQuil, in addition to several pills on Benadryl. I knew she would be passed out for most of the day so I went about my routines away from the house. I came back that evening and she was mad that I had been gone for so long, was really upset with my actions the previous night, and just kept saying hurtful things...I thought she was drinking again, and I lost it! I said things to her that I regretted later about her destroying everything we worked for, that if she was drinking she couldn't stay in the house, etc. I was hurt. To top it all off, she recorded me on her phone saying the things I said. Ugh! We were both supposed to fly to my grandmothers funeral the next morning. I struggled if she should come or not as she was SO hateful. She told me if she didn't come with me, she wouldn't be at the house when I came back....so reluctantly I said she should come.....The whole trip, she wouldn't talk to me, acknowledge me, anything...except exchange cell phone notes on the flight on how hurt she was by my actions and she didn't know who I was. When I saw my folks at the hotel after we landed, she said she needed a nap. My folks and I went to lunch and I started crying and told them she had relapsed. My folks reminded me that we were getting married in 90 days....I had been in a bad relationship for 10 years prior to meeting my fiance....I knew we at least had to delay the wedding so I had better tools to handle a relapse. I told my fiance that evening, and understandably she freaked out. I drove her back to the airport, paid for her return ticket, and made sure she got to security. I told her I wanted to work things out, but she said "you either want to get married or you don't." The next morning I found out my other grandmother had died...when it rains it pours.. I came back from the first funeral two days later. I had been in touch with her family, sponsor, and best friend to tell them I still loved her and wanted to work things out. She was mad about that. She was still in our house, so I grabbed a couple of things and left to my apartment. She said we were done. I told her she could stay in the house as long as she needed as long as she tried to work things out. She refused and found an apartment somewhere and moved out two days later. She left practically everything that was hers in the house...All she took was a mattress, her clothes, a few dishes, and a few pieces of furniture. I told her to sell what ever she wanted to in order to help her move, but she said she didn't have time for any of that. She texted me that she's lost all this money on the wedding, her move, etc. and that I had dragged her and her family "through Hell." I decided to not contact her for awhile, but did tell her I loved her. She now texts between angry texts about how we never would have worked out and texts to check in to see how I am doing. I have not replied to these. On the plus side, I am meditating, attending Al-Anon, began a journal to write how I'm feeling, and am getting counseling. Her 2 year anniversary of when she started recovery in on March 5. I thought about sending her a card, thoughts? If you made it to this part, I appreciate the time you've taken to read all of this. Thank you!
Friendly Folk
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Sorry to hear of your situation. I think you are doing the smart thing by getting support. Al-Anon will be very resourceful so attend as many meetings that you can get to. Counceling is even better. That way you will be getting more attention because this is all about you now. She has chosen to relapse. You did not cause her to pick up that drink. It was her decision. She needs help but, not from you at this time. She will have to get back into recovery herself. Keeping getting stronger. Everything happens for a reason. Trust that it is for the best. Your best life is ahead of you now. Reach for it.
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas 
I did ask her why after 400 days she decided to drink? Her reply was that she thought she had a free Saturday, I wasn't around, so decided she would have a bottle of wine.
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas
Her 2 year anniversary of when she started recovery in on March 5. I thought about sending her a card, thoughts?
And what kind of card would be? "Nice try, but you couldn't do it?" "This WOULD have been a 2 year anniversary card, but nope"? Not trying to be flippant, but I don't get the point.
Glad you found this place, there is a lot of knowledge to be gained here.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Good points. I thought it would be more of a show of support. Two years ago she ended up in the hospital on suicide watch. It was the wake up call she needed to begin her journey to sobriety. She has slipped twice since that I know of, but two years ago started her recovery....but I do see you guys point!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Sorry for the loss of your grandparents. And wow what timing on her part because I hope you dont mind my saying - but you should have had her support in your time of grief.
I can tell from your post that you must have been very supportive of her recovery, and did the right things by not keeping her relapse a secret. She is lucky to have your support IMO. About the card??
I know relapse happens and it can be a learning experience to strengthen recovery. She can pick herself back up and move forward. The journey still started 2 years ago. So, it would be a reminder along these lines. I get it.
I would just say think about what it could trigger and make sure you are ready for it.
I can tell from your post that you must have been very supportive of her recovery, and did the right things by not keeping her relapse a secret. She is lucky to have your support IMO. About the card??
I know relapse happens and it can be a learning experience to strengthen recovery. She can pick herself back up and move forward. The journey still started 2 years ago. So, it would be a reminder along these lines. I get it.
I would just say think about what it could trigger and make sure you are ready for it.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 3
Oh Cedar, do I know your pain. I am currently in a similar situation with my own boyfriend who decided to end things this week after going back to alcohol after 250 days sober. We were very close to moving in together, and it was such a quick change around.
I am so sorry that you, too, are feeling this pain. I am struggling with not contacting him, so I am glad you are becoming firm in your decision not to. Please know that you are not alone, and you stalling in order to ensure you can handle relapses should have been appreciated rather than shamed.
I definitely wouldn't send the card, as it doesn't count anymore. And it might be more hateful than anything else.
Good luck, dude. Plenty of hugs from here.
I am so sorry that you, too, are feeling this pain. I am struggling with not contacting him, so I am glad you are becoming firm in your decision not to. Please know that you are not alone, and you stalling in order to ensure you can handle relapses should have been appreciated rather than shamed.
I definitely wouldn't send the card, as it doesn't count anymore. And it might be more hateful than anything else.
Good luck, dude. Plenty of hugs from here.
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Cedar, I remember doing and saying things all the time that I thought just may finally be THE thing that would make the light bulb come on for my alcoholic.... none of those things ever worked. Try as we might we can't love them better.
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas
She texted me that she's lost all this money on the wedding, her move, etc. and that I had dragged her and her family "through Hell."
Cedar, I think you dodged a very LARGE bullet. Keep doing YOU.
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Thank you everyone! You guys are "my people." I guess a lingering question is, do I move on, just with life not necessarily relationship-wise, and see if she contacts me when she's really ready? Do I stick it out and hope we have a relationship later? We were supposed to get married in May so obviously I still have feelings for this woman
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas
Thank you everyone! You guys are "my people." I guess a lingering question is, do I move on, just with life not necessarily relationship-wise, and see if she contacts me when she's really ready? Do I stick it out and hope we have a relationship later? We were supposed to get married in May so obviously I still have feelings for this woman
If you would like to have kids at some point, then definitely move on. Having children with an alkie is bad, really bad - not only for you, but especially for the precious human being you brought into the world.
Just my $.02
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas
Thank you everyone! You guys are "my people." I guess a lingering question is, do I move on, just with life not necessarily relationship-wise, and see if she contacts me when she's really ready? Do I stick it out and hope we have a relationship later? We were supposed to get married in May so obviously I still have feelings for this woman
Is she trying to work any kind of recovery program at all or just white-knuckling through trying to stay sober without support? A couple of bottles of wine combined with pills & a couple bottles of alcohol-laced OTC meds isn't a tiny relapse - are you sure this is only the 2nd relapse in 2 years?
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas
I guess a lingering question is, do I move on, just with life not necessarily relationship-wise, and see if she contacts me when she's really ready? Do I stick it out and hope we have a relationship later? We were supposed to get married in May so obviously I still have feelings for this woman
Me, myself, wouldn't want to play Russian roulette with my future at the hands of someone else. Life and time is too short and precious.
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I am sorry for your situation but glad you found the courage and strength to call off the wedding, that wasn’t easy but you took a big step forward for yourself towards getting yourself emotionally healthy. You don’t want to repeat another 10 years of being in a bad relationship.
It’s not healthy or normal to have to hide all the medication, weapons, her keys and purse in your office and slept on the office floor so she wouldn't hurt herself. But these are the things that sadly become our normal and it’s really no way to have to live.
Alcoholics can be very selfish individuals, sober and drunk, she showed you that with her choice to attend a party(booze) in her honor (engagement party) rather than support you emotional with the death of your grandmothers. She has showed you that drinking is not something she wants to give up long term, least not now and maybe never.
A card to say what exactly……….Happy relapse? Her behavior doesn’t echo recovery at all. A card to remind her of what she doesn’t want? A card to encourage her back towards recovery because that is what YOU want for her? Either way it’s setting yourself up for further hurt and disappointments.
YES
and see if she contacts me when she's really ready? Do I stick it out and hope we have a relationship later?
NO
It’s not healthy or normal to have to hide all the medication, weapons, her keys and purse in your office and slept on the office floor so she wouldn't hurt herself. But these are the things that sadly become our normal and it’s really no way to have to live.
Alcoholics can be very selfish individuals, sober and drunk, she showed you that with her choice to attend a party(booze) in her honor (engagement party) rather than support you emotional with the death of your grandmothers. She has showed you that drinking is not something she wants to give up long term, least not now and maybe never.
Her 2 year anniversary of when she started recovery in on March 5. I thought about sending her a card, thoughts?
I guess a lingering question is, do I move on, just with life not necessarily relationship-wise,
and see if she contacts me when she's really ready? Do I stick it out and hope we have a relationship later?
NO
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I think she did you a favor by packing her bags and moving out, as hard as it may be to accept that. And yes, everything is everybody else's fault but theirs. She chose to start drinking again, and once they pick up that first drink it is like they never stopped to begin with. If she started drinking just because it was a Saturday and she and free time I kind of question if she has been clean for the entire time she said se was and if she has really continued to work her programs.
You're not married you don't have kids. I'd move on and not look back honestly. There will always be that possibility of relapse and right now she is an active drinker again so who knows if she would even be wanting to get clean again right now. It's no way to start a marriage. Will you really be able to trust her if she stops drinking again because a lot of people relapse many times with varying periods of sobriety in between. I hate to say I wish I would not have married my now RAH because we used to have good times early on and we have an awesome kid but 16 years of progressively worsening alcohol problems have really done a number on our relationship. He has been clean for a year and a half and is doing great sobriety wise but I'm not sure our relationship can survive. I so wish I would've known about seeking support way back when and also about addiction. But it was a big dark secret and no one but me knew about it. Very isolating for me not to be able to talk about it and enabling and covering for him all the time. Hoping that things would get better. Now I know better. It can get better but I had to hit my rock bottom before he was finally ready to get serious when I told him I could no longer do it (never given him an ultimatum before because I was not ready to follow through on it until last year) but I just feel like too much damage has been done.
You can't make her quit, nothing you did made her drink, she made the decision to start drinking again. You can't help her, no matter how much you want to or would like to think you can. Unless she is ready to quit it's a lost cause. And if she is ready to quit it is still her gig. Work on yourself and continue to do what you are already doing, counseling and alanon and keep coming here. I really wish I had known what I know now many years ago. I may not have stuck around or at least not stuck around as long as I have. Read codependent no more nad watch pleasure unwoven. It's a really good documentary on addiction.
I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sure it is bvery hard as you still obviously care about her and love her. But until she cares and loves herself enough to quit I would move on and focus on you.
You're not married you don't have kids. I'd move on and not look back honestly. There will always be that possibility of relapse and right now she is an active drinker again so who knows if she would even be wanting to get clean again right now. It's no way to start a marriage. Will you really be able to trust her if she stops drinking again because a lot of people relapse many times with varying periods of sobriety in between. I hate to say I wish I would not have married my now RAH because we used to have good times early on and we have an awesome kid but 16 years of progressively worsening alcohol problems have really done a number on our relationship. He has been clean for a year and a half and is doing great sobriety wise but I'm not sure our relationship can survive. I so wish I would've known about seeking support way back when and also about addiction. But it was a big dark secret and no one but me knew about it. Very isolating for me not to be able to talk about it and enabling and covering for him all the time. Hoping that things would get better. Now I know better. It can get better but I had to hit my rock bottom before he was finally ready to get serious when I told him I could no longer do it (never given him an ultimatum before because I was not ready to follow through on it until last year) but I just feel like too much damage has been done.
You can't make her quit, nothing you did made her drink, she made the decision to start drinking again. You can't help her, no matter how much you want to or would like to think you can. Unless she is ready to quit it's a lost cause. And if she is ready to quit it is still her gig. Work on yourself and continue to do what you are already doing, counseling and alanon and keep coming here. I really wish I had known what I know now many years ago. I may not have stuck around or at least not stuck around as long as I have. Read codependent no more nad watch pleasure unwoven. It's a really good documentary on addiction.
I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sure it is bvery hard as you still obviously care about her and love her. But until she cares and loves herself enough to quit I would move on and focus on you.
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Originally Posted by CedarTexas
I guess a lingering question is, do I move on, just with life not necessarily relationship-wise, and see if she contacts me when she's really ready? Do I stick it out and hope we have a relationship later? We were supposed to get married in May so obviously I still have feelings for this woman
But yes, I think we still have to go on with life and focus on our career goals, personal goals.
It ended abruptly from what you posted, and I can see where there is a lot left unspoken, unresolved. She left angry while drinking and how can you find answers in that?
My husband was often emotional and a psychological mess when using. Nothing much got resolved at those times, and often things that were said or done by him were later minimized, dismissed, and were qualified with I didnt know what I was doing. It was true for the most part.
My guess is she will contact you at some point.
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Thank you again for the support! On a kind of sad note, when I reached out to her family and her best friend of 15 years on what to do when she relapsed, none of them knew what to do. According to them, she was always drunk alone or masked it very well until she was hospitalized. Her sponsor told me she had to "burn out" which was SO hard for me to accept at the time, but talking with you guy and counseling, I realize the 3 C's of Al-Anon are true...I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it.
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