Very Lost and Confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 3
Very Lost and Confused
This is my first post, although I have been reading for some time. It will be a long one, because I need to just get this out and I feel like this is the only appropriate place right now....
I have a history of dating addicts. Some were alcoholics, others had problems with low self esteem and medicated with drugs, and the worst was a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. After some soul searching last year, and some because of a very painful loss, I realized I am a co-dependent but I have been trying so hard to work on this and I just cannot fathom letting go and letting God.
After breaking off a very abusive (physically and emotionally) relationship of 5 years, I spent a year working on myself and getting to know myself as a I am a serial monagamist and never really stayed single for a long time since I was a teenager.
Well, last spring, two of my friends were getting married and I invited an old mutual friend as my plus one. And we hit it off. I've known him for 15 years and since my breakup, we began to develop a great friendship through text and online as he moved a distance away from our hometown. We had a great time together, but as we were both nursing broken hearts, we kept it very friendly and didn't think much about it. However, we began to speak on a daily basis and facetime each other and he became my best friend. He knew all of my trials and tribulations, and I thought the same to be of him. But I was wrong. One day, he called me apologetically explaining that he had to go radio silent for at least a week as he had been withdrawing heavily from alcohol and needed to go into detox. I was supportive, but upset that I couldn't be there for him like he was all this time for me.
After detox and the beginnings of his recovery, we made plans to see each other and I came down to stay with him. And we knew we had something special. He spoke with his AA group and sponsor, and they all cautioned that this could go south very easily but they also understood that I was very supportive (even attending al-anon while he was at AA when we were visiting each other) and said it could be good too.
Well after a few months, he lost his job, and decided it was time to come back home. And we were doing well. Best relationship I had ever been in. Open, honest, and loving. Understanding of each other's ambitions, and supporting each other however it was possible for us to do so. He got an apartment, and I helped financially as it was agreed that I would move in within a year's time as my family would soon be selling my home.
But something changed. He was slipping into his depression. He wasn't active in his recovery, as he decided it'd be more important to earn more money working longer hours. He couldn't come to terms with the fact that he was not doing financially well. And no matter how much I cheered him on, and told him that this was normal,,being that he was laid off for sometime, and he had a major move back home to pay off...but that wasn't enough. Soon, he began saying, "I don't deserve you. You deserve better than me, someone who can support you the way you deserve."
And then I found him home with a bottle. And he shut down. He pushed me out (metaphorically) and broke up with me. He went on a binge, and I haven't seen him since. The first few days I was worried that he was going to die of alcohol poisoning as he was drinking bottle after bottle, and I felt powerless. I freaked out, and my emotions have gone from anger to hurt and I haven't been able to sleep or eat. I recognized that my codependency is active, but I am trying so hard to react to this in a different manner than I had with my exes before.
His father has gotten involved in order to check on his well being, but I do not know what to do. I do not know how to feel. I know I didn't cause this, but I wish he'd let me in....that he'd talk to me like he used to. I feel so powerless.
My heart has been broken again, and for the first time in a long time, I am grieving a relationship. In the past, I left after being so checked out. But this time is different. And I am trying so hard to leave him be as he told me so coldly to do, but its taken everything inside of me to do so. I went to 2 al-anon meetings yesterday, and I am seeking therapy. Any advice you guys have?
I have a history of dating addicts. Some were alcoholics, others had problems with low self esteem and medicated with drugs, and the worst was a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. After some soul searching last year, and some because of a very painful loss, I realized I am a co-dependent but I have been trying so hard to work on this and I just cannot fathom letting go and letting God.
After breaking off a very abusive (physically and emotionally) relationship of 5 years, I spent a year working on myself and getting to know myself as a I am a serial monagamist and never really stayed single for a long time since I was a teenager.
Well, last spring, two of my friends were getting married and I invited an old mutual friend as my plus one. And we hit it off. I've known him for 15 years and since my breakup, we began to develop a great friendship through text and online as he moved a distance away from our hometown. We had a great time together, but as we were both nursing broken hearts, we kept it very friendly and didn't think much about it. However, we began to speak on a daily basis and facetime each other and he became my best friend. He knew all of my trials and tribulations, and I thought the same to be of him. But I was wrong. One day, he called me apologetically explaining that he had to go radio silent for at least a week as he had been withdrawing heavily from alcohol and needed to go into detox. I was supportive, but upset that I couldn't be there for him like he was all this time for me.
After detox and the beginnings of his recovery, we made plans to see each other and I came down to stay with him. And we knew we had something special. He spoke with his AA group and sponsor, and they all cautioned that this could go south very easily but they also understood that I was very supportive (even attending al-anon while he was at AA when we were visiting each other) and said it could be good too.
Well after a few months, he lost his job, and decided it was time to come back home. And we were doing well. Best relationship I had ever been in. Open, honest, and loving. Understanding of each other's ambitions, and supporting each other however it was possible for us to do so. He got an apartment, and I helped financially as it was agreed that I would move in within a year's time as my family would soon be selling my home.
But something changed. He was slipping into his depression. He wasn't active in his recovery, as he decided it'd be more important to earn more money working longer hours. He couldn't come to terms with the fact that he was not doing financially well. And no matter how much I cheered him on, and told him that this was normal,,being that he was laid off for sometime, and he had a major move back home to pay off...but that wasn't enough. Soon, he began saying, "I don't deserve you. You deserve better than me, someone who can support you the way you deserve."
And then I found him home with a bottle. And he shut down. He pushed me out (metaphorically) and broke up with me. He went on a binge, and I haven't seen him since. The first few days I was worried that he was going to die of alcohol poisoning as he was drinking bottle after bottle, and I felt powerless. I freaked out, and my emotions have gone from anger to hurt and I haven't been able to sleep or eat. I recognized that my codependency is active, but I am trying so hard to react to this in a different manner than I had with my exes before.
His father has gotten involved in order to check on his well being, but I do not know what to do. I do not know how to feel. I know I didn't cause this, but I wish he'd let me in....that he'd talk to me like he used to. I feel so powerless.
My heart has been broken again, and for the first time in a long time, I am grieving a relationship. In the past, I left after being so checked out. But this time is different. And I am trying so hard to leave him be as he told me so coldly to do, but its taken everything inside of me to do so. I went to 2 al-anon meetings yesterday, and I am seeking therapy. Any advice you guys have?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Welcome aboard. Although I wish it was for different reasons.
You ARE powerless in his life and situation. Keep going to your Al-Anon meetings and leave his father to tend to your friend's well-being.
You have a long road to your own recovery, but you CAN make it if you keep moving forward.
Bless you! ♥
You ARE powerless in his life and situation. Keep going to your Al-Anon meetings and leave his father to tend to your friend's well-being.
You have a long road to your own recovery, but you CAN make it if you keep moving forward.
Bless you! ♥
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Chip.....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There are a lot of them...enough for you to read one every single day....lol...
(this same list is found in the "stickies" at the top of the threads)....
Read every one of them...as they are w ritten in the pain and tears of those who have come before you....
Continue to go to alanon...early and often...lol...
Call your local DV center and get a referral to a support group for those who have suffered abuse....
You would do well to ask the DV people for a referral to an individual therapist, when you inquire about the support group......
Stay away from relationships while you do the above work....as you are almost certain to pick another one who is the same.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
HERE IS THAT LINK^^^^^^^^^^
(this same list is found in the "stickies" at the top of the threads)....
Read every one of them...as they are w ritten in the pain and tears of those who have come before you....
Continue to go to alanon...early and often...lol...
Call your local DV center and get a referral to a support group for those who have suffered abuse....
You would do well to ask the DV people for a referral to an individual therapist, when you inquire about the support group......
Stay away from relationships while you do the above work....as you are almost certain to pick another one who is the same.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
HERE IS THAT LINK^^^^^^^^^^
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