The status quo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
The status quo
Things have been mild and calm, I am enjoying this state tbh.
I stay in my own room in the house and my RAH likewise. We have started doing things together, are quite cautious with one another, respectful, kind, etc. However, in the last week my RAH has been dropping comments and putting gentle pressure on me to move back into our bedroom.
Tbh I do not want to and have resisted. I feel I need the space to just be, work on me, reconvene and have calm in my life. He fell off the wagon in Jan but is now going to AA and also a life coach. But I have been here before. 2017 wasn't a bad year by any means but he lied about falling off the wagon and that shook me up.
There have been some major life changes with his job of many years and he has left it to move onto something more challenging (in his words).
He says he is concerned I will turn around in 6 months and decide to leave. We have been getting on better but I cannot make any promises, the same way he cannot make me any promises he wont drink again. I had told him my deal breaker was him drinking again, which in retrospect may have been too much as it is probably inevitable he falls off the wagon or is it?
So imo I am still here so he should be content with that for now. He says he feels I am punishing him but I explained I am very hurt and wounded from his past behavior and want the time out for me, and I'm sorry he feels this way but I'm not ready to be fully in the marriage.
What do you think? I am supportive of him and his plans for his future, etc. I treat him kindly, we have good laughs when we do things together, I am just not ready to be his wife.
I told him, I cannot get on the rollercoaster again, ever. I know, however, that I cannot continue this status quo, though I like it.
What have you guys done in such a scenario? Is this just the 'people pleaser' coming out in me, that I would even entertain his comments?
I stay in my own room in the house and my RAH likewise. We have started doing things together, are quite cautious with one another, respectful, kind, etc. However, in the last week my RAH has been dropping comments and putting gentle pressure on me to move back into our bedroom.
Tbh I do not want to and have resisted. I feel I need the space to just be, work on me, reconvene and have calm in my life. He fell off the wagon in Jan but is now going to AA and also a life coach. But I have been here before. 2017 wasn't a bad year by any means but he lied about falling off the wagon and that shook me up.
There have been some major life changes with his job of many years and he has left it to move onto something more challenging (in his words).
He says he is concerned I will turn around in 6 months and decide to leave. We have been getting on better but I cannot make any promises, the same way he cannot make me any promises he wont drink again. I had told him my deal breaker was him drinking again, which in retrospect may have been too much as it is probably inevitable he falls off the wagon or is it?
So imo I am still here so he should be content with that for now. He says he feels I am punishing him but I explained I am very hurt and wounded from his past behavior and want the time out for me, and I'm sorry he feels this way but I'm not ready to be fully in the marriage.
What do you think? I am supportive of him and his plans for his future, etc. I treat him kindly, we have good laughs when we do things together, I am just not ready to be his wife.
I told him, I cannot get on the rollercoaster again, ever. I know, however, that I cannot continue this status quo, though I like it.
What have you guys done in such a scenario? Is this just the 'people pleaser' coming out in me, that I would even entertain his comments?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Givenup.....Personally, I have never been in your exact situation......
However, I have seen many others in this situation, in the years that I have been on this forum.....
It seems, from what I have observed, that the non-alcoholic spouse frequently acquiesces under the "pressure".....
It seems so hard for the alcoholic to comprehend and appreciate the amount damage their drinking has done to the relationship....an d, definitely do not understand the amount of time it takes for trust to return...if ever.....
He may not get it that early recovery is two---three---and, and some say five years for the internal changes to take place....to change thinking...attitudes....and, finally actions...There is more to genuine recovery than just putting down the bottle for a few weeks.
Here is the real zinger---Men, especially, seem to want to get back to the horizontal tango...as the signal that everything is fine, again......
However, I have seen many others in this situation, in the years that I have been on this forum.....
It seems, from what I have observed, that the non-alcoholic spouse frequently acquiesces under the "pressure".....
It seems so hard for the alcoholic to comprehend and appreciate the amount damage their drinking has done to the relationship....an d, definitely do not understand the amount of time it takes for trust to return...if ever.....
He may not get it that early recovery is two---three---and, and some say five years for the internal changes to take place....to change thinking...attitudes....and, finally actions...There is more to genuine recovery than just putting down the bottle for a few weeks.
Here is the real zinger---Men, especially, seem to want to get back to the horizontal tango...as the signal that everything is fine, again......
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by dandylion 
It seems so hard for the alcoholic to comprehend and appreciate the amount damage their drinking has done to the relationship....an d, definitely do not understand the amount of time it takes for trust to return
Is it that in early recovery there is still a large degree of selfishness? Is it because the partner has been trying to smooth things over and walked on eggshells so long that the RA can't see the damage.
Is it because they were asked to quit so many times that there is genuine confusion when they do and everything doesn't go back to "normal".
Could it be because, as is stated here often, emotional growth of the alcoholic stalled at some point and in early recovery that hasn't been addressed yet.
Sorry my post isn't helpful Givenup, just makes me wonder.
For what it's worth if you aren't in to it you aren't - that's a fact. If he thinks you are punishing him that's something he needs to work out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
You are working through it the way you need to. You are a smart, courageous woman. You choose to be with him now. You also have the right to change your mind later.
For me, there was the breakup, then one month later the second chance when he promised to quit. I found out that he was drinking about once a month behind my back. Sometimes owning up, sometimes lying. I gave the relationship every chance I could. I wanted it to succeed. I love him. But after 4 months, I decided I didn’t want to keep trusting a man who lied to me, and didn’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying about his next relapse. He refused to go to rehab. My therapist said he had a 2% chance of making it without rehab. Too much denial on his side and too much pain on mine. I had to end it so I could find peace. That was my path.
I don’t regret it, but the first two months without him have been hard. He kept contacting me, so I blocked him. Next week I am going to Scotland for a month, and I am excited about that. And I don’t have to waste my time worrying about his drinking any more.
For me, there was the breakup, then one month later the second chance when he promised to quit. I found out that he was drinking about once a month behind my back. Sometimes owning up, sometimes lying. I gave the relationship every chance I could. I wanted it to succeed. I love him. But after 4 months, I decided I didn’t want to keep trusting a man who lied to me, and didn’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying about his next relapse. He refused to go to rehab. My therapist said he had a 2% chance of making it without rehab. Too much denial on his side and too much pain on mine. I had to end it so I could find peace. That was my path.
I don’t regret it, but the first two months without him have been hard. He kept contacting me, so I blocked him. Next week I am going to Scotland for a month, and I am excited about that. And I don’t have to waste my time worrying about his drinking any more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by dandylion
Givenup.....Personally, I have never been in your exact situation......
However, I have seen many others in this situation, in the years that I have been on this forum.....
It seems, from what I have observed, that the non-alcoholic spouse frequently acquiesces under the "pressure".....
It seems so hard for the alcoholic to comprehend and appreciate the amount damage their drinking has done to the relationship....an d, definitely do not understand the amount of time it takes for trust to return...if ever.....
He may not get it that early recovery is two---three---and, and some say five years for the internal changes to take place....to change thinking...attitudes....and, finally actions...There is more to genuine recovery than just putting down the bottle for a few weeks.
Here is the real zinger---Men, especially, seem to want to get back to the horizontal tango...as the signal that everything is fine, again......
However, I have seen many others in this situation, in the years that I have been on this forum.....
It seems, from what I have observed, that the non-alcoholic spouse frequently acquiesces under the "pressure".....
It seems so hard for the alcoholic to comprehend and appreciate the amount damage their drinking has done to the relationship....an d, definitely do not understand the amount of time it takes for trust to return...if ever.....
He may not get it that early recovery is two---three---and, and some say five years for the internal changes to take place....to change thinking...attitudes....and, finally actions...There is more to genuine recovery than just putting down the bottle for a few weeks.
Here is the real zinger---Men, especially, seem to want to get back to the horizontal tango...as the signal that everything is fine, again......
lmao
That is just it, isn't it! Here's me thinking you are bloody lucky I'm here at all! Then he is saying things like 'but 2017 wasn't so bad', 'yeah right, until I found out you lied to my face a few times!' I have my answer, I am not acquiescing and though I miss that part of the relationship, I need the time out. I can think much more clearly.Would like to hear a long time RA point of view, wonder would it be different?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Sailorgirl57
You are working through it the way you need to. You are a smart, courageous woman. You choose to be with him now. You also have the right to change your mind later.
For me, there was the breakup, then one month later the second chance when he promised to quit. I found out that he was drinking about once a month behind my back. Sometimes owning up, sometimes lying. I gave the relationship every chance I could. I wanted it to succeed. I love him. But after 4 months, I decided I didn’t want to keep trusting a man who lied to me, and didn’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying about his next relapse. He refused to go to rehab. My therapist said he had a 2% chance of making it without rehab. Too much denial on his side and too much pain on mine. I had to end it so I could find peace. That was my path.
I don’t regret it, but the first two months without him have been hard. He kept contacting me, so I blocked him. Next week I am going to Scotland for a month, and I am excited about that. And I don’t have to waste my time worrying about his drinking any more.
For me, there was the breakup, then one month later the second chance when he promised to quit. I found out that he was drinking about once a month behind my back. Sometimes owning up, sometimes lying. I gave the relationship every chance I could. I wanted it to succeed. I love him. But after 4 months, I decided I didn’t want to keep trusting a man who lied to me, and didn’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying about his next relapse. He refused to go to rehab. My therapist said he had a 2% chance of making it without rehab. Too much denial on his side and too much pain on mine. I had to end it so I could find peace. That was my path.
I don’t regret it, but the first two months without him have been hard. He kept contacting me, so I blocked him. Next week I am going to Scotland for a month, and I am excited about that. And I don’t have to waste my time worrying about his drinking any more.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I think you are exactly where you need to be.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and the boundaries you set. I think what you said here sums it up perfectly...... "I feel I need the space to just be, work on me, reconvene and have calm in my life." You know what you need, you know what is helping you heal. I say stick with it. You had to wait a long time for him to get sober, now he can sit and wait lovingly while you do what you need to do to heal. I tell my kids and family if they are in a hurry for me to do something they want, that Im not able or ready to do on their timeline......just wait longer, with a smile on your face and love in your heart.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and the boundaries you set. I think what you said here sums it up perfectly...... "I feel I need the space to just be, work on me, reconvene and have calm in my life." You know what you need, you know what is helping you heal. I say stick with it. You had to wait a long time for him to get sober, now he can sit and wait lovingly while you do what you need to do to heal. I tell my kids and family if they are in a hurry for me to do something they want, that Im not able or ready to do on their timeline......just wait longer, with a smile on your face and love in your heart.
Originally Posted by Givenup2018
Things have been mild and calm, I am enjoying this state tbh.
I stay in my own room in the house and my RAH likewise. We have started doing things together, are quite cautious with one another, respectful, kind, etc. However, in the last week my RAH has been dropping comments and putting gentle pressure on me to move back into our bedroom.
Tbh I do not want to and have resisted. I feel I need the space to just be, work on me, reconvene and have calm in my life. He fell off the wagon in Jan but is now going to AA and also a life coach. But I have been here before. 2017 wasn't a bad year by any means but he lied about falling off the wagon and that shook me up.
There have been some major life changes with his job of many years and he has left it to move onto something more challenging (in his words).
He says he is concerned I will turn around in 6 months and decide to leave. We have been getting on better but I cannot make any promises, the same way he cannot make me any promises he wont drink again. I had told him my deal breaker was him drinking again, which in retrospect may have been too much as it is probably inevitable he falls off the wagon or is it?
So imo I am still here so he should be content with that for now. He says he feels I am punishing him but I explained I am very hurt and wounded from his past behavior and want the time out for me, and I'm sorry he feels this way but I'm not ready to be fully in the marriage.
What do you think? I am supportive of him and his plans for his future, etc. I treat him kindly, we have good laughs when we do things together, I am just not ready to be his wife.
I told him, I cannot get on the rollercoaster again, ever. I know, however, that I cannot continue this status quo, though I like it.
What have you guys done in such a scenario? Is this just the 'people pleaser' coming out in me, that I would even entertain his comments?
I stay in my own room in the house and my RAH likewise. We have started doing things together, are quite cautious with one another, respectful, kind, etc. However, in the last week my RAH has been dropping comments and putting gentle pressure on me to move back into our bedroom.
Tbh I do not want to and have resisted. I feel I need the space to just be, work on me, reconvene and have calm in my life. He fell off the wagon in Jan but is now going to AA and also a life coach. But I have been here before. 2017 wasn't a bad year by any means but he lied about falling off the wagon and that shook me up.
There have been some major life changes with his job of many years and he has left it to move onto something more challenging (in his words).
He says he is concerned I will turn around in 6 months and decide to leave. We have been getting on better but I cannot make any promises, the same way he cannot make me any promises he wont drink again. I had told him my deal breaker was him drinking again, which in retrospect may have been too much as it is probably inevitable he falls off the wagon or is it?
So imo I am still here so he should be content with that for now. He says he feels I am punishing him but I explained I am very hurt and wounded from his past behavior and want the time out for me, and I'm sorry he feels this way but I'm not ready to be fully in the marriage.
What do you think? I am supportive of him and his plans for his future, etc. I treat him kindly, we have good laughs when we do things together, I am just not ready to be his wife.
I told him, I cannot get on the rollercoaster again, ever. I know, however, that I cannot continue this status quo, though I like it.
What have you guys done in such a scenario? Is this just the 'people pleaser' coming out in me, that I would even entertain his comments?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 70
Givenup - I was/am where you are. Last night we had a major confrontation where RAW said i cannot promise i wont drink again and then "i dont know if i want to stay in the marriage". That was it for me. I do not want to stay with someone who is not fully committed to me. And the drinking and potential rages are totally unacceptable. I will not live with a meat cleaver hanging over my head. So last night I was fully prepared to end the marriage no matter the cost or the pain. I will not be "plan B". Period. I will not sit here everyday waiting for the rage hammer to drop, nor having lies thrown in my face. The line is clear and set.
This morning she calmly said I was right and she will not drink. Time will tell.....
I dont know your situation (kids, finances, etc) but I applaud your standing your ground. If your H wants you in his life, he had better change his ways. They say it's just a slip. I say it's a choice. and choices have consequences. You are the only one who can dole out the consequences. Stay strong.
This morning she calmly said I was right and she will not drink. Time will tell.....
I dont know your situation (kids, finances, etc) but I applaud your standing your ground. If your H wants you in his life, he had better change his ways. They say it's just a slip. I say it's a choice. and choices have consequences. You are the only one who can dole out the consequences. Stay strong.
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