Gut feelings. No facts, just a "feeling".

Old 02-22-2018, 07:14 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Gut feelings. No facts, just a "feeling".

Anyone ever have a gut feeling about something but no facts. Yet you just know it to be true... somehow? I'm not with my AH anymore. We are separated. I've been "no contact" for a few months. I've been away from him for long enough that I have been going over memories in my head, trying to sort out the quacking and the manipulation from the truth. It's a painful process but seemingly unavoidable because the memories just come to me for review even if I don't want to think of them. It's almost as if my brain is trying to sort them out and then "trash" them (or maybe stash them); as soon as I've processed them, they go to the big storage room where I keep my memories of being in diapers.

What I've been thinking of lately... is that... I am 99.99% sure my AH cheated on me. I have no proof. I just have memories of things that were said to me. And also there were his really odd behaviors: him sneaking around, suddenly becoming really judgemental about TV shows where characters have affairs (it was like he took it personally that characters on TV cheat or lie), him spending ages and ages texting who knows whom. So I'm 99.99% sure that AH cheated.

It shoudn't matter now but it still bothers me... for some reason.
OpheliaKatz is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 07:26 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
As an alcoholic myself I can say that paranoia and misplaced anger is part and parcel.

Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts, Ophelia. It may or may not be true: I have memories and thoughts that I'd like to make into facts with no real basis, but it is futile.

I would get tested medically and then let it go.

He may have just been on the crazy train.
biminiblue is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 07:38 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
I am also fairly certain XABF cheated, but without actual proof.

I rid myself of these thoughts through the same slow, rigorous process I rid myself of all other torturous thoughts about stuff I couldn't know or control: through acceptance.

Acceptance that he was not who I wished he was.

Acceptance that I was in denial about the first one for a long time.

Acceptance that no matter what he did or didn't do, I could not change the past.

Acceptance that I never had to be in a relationship like that again.
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 07:51 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Sailorgirl57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
The awesome thing is that you’ve moved on! The hard part is over. You have gone NC.

If you find yourself ruminating on something he may or may not have done in the past, maybe it’s time to “change the channels.” Go for a walk, go to the store, listen to music, etc. gently say to yourself out loud “Sweetheart that man is not your problem any more! Yay! Move forward with your joyous and beautiful life!” Saying it out loud does help!

Love and hugs from Sailor
Sailorgirl57 is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 08:08 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
SmallButMighty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
My instincts have NEVER been wrong.

Plenty of times I shushed them and/or ignored them, but that didn't change the facts...

Like the others have said, it IS in the past. Unless you intend to get back together with him, the matter of broken trusts just aren't a factor in your life moving forward, other than to have learned from them.

You can never trust an active/unrecovered alcoholic. You can always trust your own instincts.

*hugs*
SmallButMighty is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 08:27 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Always trust your gut it knows what your head hasn’t figured out yet.

I discovered that when I needed “facts” in order to trust what my instincts were telling me, I was treading water in the pool of denial.

But at this point in time, if he did cheat it isn’t going to change anything and if he didn’t it isn’t going to change anything.
atalose is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 08:32 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I'd not go there if you can help it. It will only upset you. Funnily enough today I called someone out on some stuff I had no actual facts for but was convinced they had done and said and discovered, to my horror, that I was right. I really wanted to be wrong. I am so sad and let down I was right I have sat crying most of the afternoon cos to know...absolutely.... how I was treated was not in my head was chilling and brought back all my feelings of worthlessness and made me go over old ground of things like why I get rejected for "better things" and why no one really wants to be with me. It took me to a very dark place I have yet to climb out of.

Fwiw my exah cheated on me with my daughter..his step daughter he'd been "dad" to since she was 2, ...which I found our after we split up but today's revelations from someone else were far worse. Exah's behaviour was par for the course. I realised today I have expectations of non alcoholics that I should not have either. Someone asked me today if I felt safe with them and my answer was no. I don't feel safe with anyone and I never will.

I'd just not go there in your head or by digging for evidence. It's hard enough recovering as it is.
Ladybird579 is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 09:54 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
I have also had thoughts about things that I suspect were going on during the latter parts of XAH's and my marriage. Like you, I have no proof. Like you, I'm fairly certain I'm right, nevertheless.

But as others here have said, it doesn't make a difference in anything any more. In your situation, yes, you should get tested to make sure there are no "mementos" that could endanger your health in the future. But in my situation, any damage that was being done ended when we divorced. These thoughts are not productive or helpful in any way, and it's best that I just change the channel when they come up.
honeypig is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 10:10 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Reconnecting to my gut instincts was one of the most important things I had to work at in my earliest recovery. I mean - critically important. In my case, I'd spent so many years telling my gut it was wrong that it just started to reflect those directives instead of showing me my Truths. The gut-brain is a real, known scientific thing - not just some woowoo stuff we tell ourselves to explain the butterflies we sometimes feel.

There are a lot of great links in this thread if you're interested in this topic:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...instincts.html (Listening to our gut instincts)
FireSprite is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 10:41 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Smarie78's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
The first sign of my xabf cheating was simply my gut telling me so. I had zero proof. It wasn't like he didn't call or text as much or was making excuses not to see me. He answered my texts and calls immediately...he still wanted sex all the time, he was always around. Always overboard with affection and attention. In other words, I had no reason to suspect it whatsoever, yet SOMETHING continually nagged in my gut that he was cheating. I couldn't tell you how, I just knew. And sure enough, he was. It reminded me a lot of my alcohol detector. I think I even have a thread out there on this somewhere. I knew many times when he was drinking even though I had no evidence and nothing he was doing was typical of drunk behavior. But there would be the smallest subtleties in his ways. Again, zero evidence, but just SOMETHING in me knew. And sure enough, there I was also correct.

The things is, is that when we don't have trust in a relationship, it is really hard to have a relationship at all. I never had trust issues in past relationships as I felt confident and comfortable that partners were faithful and honest about other things, and to my knowledge they were. I only started getting gut feelings and doubts in the relationship I had with the addict. That to me was a sign that I simply could not trust him in any regard because he violated trust on so many levels. Whether it was lying about drinking, other women, or trusting him not to come over if intoxicated, each time I was repeatedly deceived despite always giving benefit of the doubt. What I learned is that it wasn't about me. I truly believe he loved me and cared for me, but simply did not know how to respect me (nor himself). He put his addictions first as addicts do, and put his own self worth last so you know mine was then dead last. I loved him, but I could not trust him. He loved me, but could not respect my trust. It was always about him and his need for instant gratification to somehow quell whatever was inside him he didn't quite know how to contend with.

Try not to obsess too much over this (easier said then done because once the thought got in my heads that's all I did was obsess until I found out!). In the end a man who doesn't respect himself will never be able to respect you. Addicts tend to not have much of that while in active addiction. And it's nothing to do with us. Let it go and accept not knowing. You may be better off.
Smarie78 is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 12:02 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
He may have just been on the crazy train.
I agree with bimini.

He may well have been on the crazy train (from your descriptions he was the engineer).

Your instincts may be spot on but the facts, you don't know. He may just have been thinking about cheating or been discussing it with someone who was - you just don't know.

You have to decide what this knowledge is worth to you. You can ask him and decide if he is telling you the truth or hire a detective.

You get to decide. It's easy for us to say just brush it away but that might not be your reality. I would really talk this over with your therapist/counsellor there are no doubt tools that can help you deal with these types of thoughts.
trailmix is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 11:27 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I got tested the minute I figured out the extent of his lies. Fortunately I don't have anything, but was also (irrationally) disappointed that I had no proof. I kind of think I just know. I mean, what proof do I need? He was spending hours texting someone and I had no idea who it was. I could ask, but that would break no contact, and also, he would probably just lie -- he has so far. I have come to realize that he lies with a straight face. Oddly enough, the only times I have seen him lose his composure were times when he was tripping. I should spend less time thinking about him. It's a really unpleasant experience.

Ladybird, I'm sorry for what your ex put you through. That was really horrific behavior.
OpheliaKatz is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 11:30 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Wamama48's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I know it doesn't help your situation that you are going through right now, but there are so many here who appreciate you. And love you. I wish we could give you a great big bear hug and make you some tea and sit and cry with you.
Originally Posted by Ladybird579 View Post
I'd not go there if you can help it. It will only upset you. Funnily enough today I called someone out on some stuff I had no actual facts for but was convinced they had done and said and discovered, to my horror, that I was right. I really wanted to be wrong. I am so sad and let down I was right I have sat crying most of the afternoon cos to know...absolutely.... how I was treated was not in my head was chilling and brought back all my feelings of worthlessness and made me go over old ground of things like why I get rejected for "better things" and why no one really wants to be with me. It took me to a very dark place I have yet to climb out of.

Fwiw my exah cheated on me with my daughter..his step daughter he'd been "dad" to since she was 2, ...which I found our after we split up but today's revelations from someone else were far worse. Exah's behaviour was par for the course. I realised today I have expectations of non alcoholics that I should not have either. Someone asked me today if I felt safe with them and my answer was no. I don't feel safe with anyone and I never will.

I'd just not go there in your head or by digging for evidence. It's hard enough recovering as it is.
Wamama48 is offline  
Old 02-22-2018, 11:47 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
I also suspect my RAH of cheating on me about 5 years ago, no actual proof just a gut feeling and circumstantial evidence. I know he would never tell me the truth because he knows what I will do because alcoholism is one thing but cheating is just going too far, drunk or otherwise. So, I am letting sleeping dogs lie but it is something I want to address when he has more time under his belt sober. The thoughts used to consume me, not so much anymore. Time and inner peace is a great healer.
Givenup2018 is offline  
Old 02-23-2018, 01:59 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I have an acquaintance who, very early in our conversations, mentioned his drinking patterns old vs new. Sort of "I used to have a few beers or a cocktail out but don't drink anymore". On face value, this might just be a simple statement. But my get tells me "Friend of Bill's?"

Trust your gut, OKatz, and then let it go...add it to the pile of already dysfunctional traits that belong to your ex. One more reason to validate your departure.
Seren is offline  
Old 02-23-2018, 02:29 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Thanks Wamama and Ophelia It a pity we can't all meet up for a massive tea and cake fest and give proper hugs all round xx
Ladybird579 is offline  
Old 02-23-2018, 03:37 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
So it was my ex's affair that finally got me dealing with the elephant in the room, his addiction (I have my own but was working on it for years prior to this point).

I spent a significant number of months, years after the affair trying to answer a lot of questions that would probably sound pretty familiar in your head right now. What happened? When? When did it start? Did he really mean it? Did he really care?

What I finally realized (about alcohol and the affair) was the I was EXPECTING the person that harmed me had the where with all to help fix me. That was a false narrative and only created more heartache for me. I was under the false impression that I would get resolution from him if he would only answer my 1000s of questions. I have overall gotten resolution but it has only come from me. Even if he did answer all of my questions it would have kept the focus in the wrong place.....on him. I had already spent enough energy on him.

I also realized (eventually) to trust my gut but I had to let go of the first part to do that.
LifeRecovery is offline  
Old 02-24-2018, 12:37 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
What I finally realized (about alcohol and the affair) was that I was EXPECTING the person that harmed me had the wherewithal to help fix me. That was a false narrative and only created more heartache for me. I was under the false impression that I would get resolution from him if he would only answer my 1000s of questions. I have overall gotten resolution but it has only come from me. Even if he did answer all of my questions it would have kept the focus in the wrong place.....on him. I had already spent enough energy on him.
I think this ^^ really sums things up well.

honeypig is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:51 AM.