Advice on mingling with drinking buddies?
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Advice on mingling with drinking buddies?
I am sure this question has been discussed in depth in the forums but I am in a hustle to get on with my workday and figured I'd throw up a post while the issue was fresh in my mind...
Anyone have a thumbnail sketch/blueprint of suggestions for how to mingle with former drinking buddies? After a couple grueling months at work I have a relatively open schedule for a few weeks, and am planning to take a day or two off to go back to my old city (I moved a year and a half ago to take my current job) and visit a couple friends and former colleagues. Not shockingly, these folks were all drinking buddies to some greater or lesser degree. I don't think I'll take any flak from them over not drinking, necessarily, but suffice it to say I am pretty sure we won't be meeting up in a church....it'll be someplace with a bar.
This will be the first time since giving it up (53 days today; probably ten weeks or so by the time I take my trip, give or take) that I'll be mingling with drinking buddies, in a bar-type environment. Any tips on avoiding the inevitable, devil-on-the-shoulder "just one" thoughts?
Anyone have a thumbnail sketch/blueprint of suggestions for how to mingle with former drinking buddies? After a couple grueling months at work I have a relatively open schedule for a few weeks, and am planning to take a day or two off to go back to my old city (I moved a year and a half ago to take my current job) and visit a couple friends and former colleagues. Not shockingly, these folks were all drinking buddies to some greater or lesser degree. I don't think I'll take any flak from them over not drinking, necessarily, but suffice it to say I am pretty sure we won't be meeting up in a church....it'll be someplace with a bar.
This will be the first time since giving it up (53 days today; probably ten weeks or so by the time I take my trip, give or take) that I'll be mingling with drinking buddies, in a bar-type environment. Any tips on avoiding the inevitable, devil-on-the-shoulder "just one" thoughts?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,466
Congratulations on 53 days of recovery!
I couldn't have done that at 53 days or 70 days. I think for me, I began to feel some confidence at around the 90 day point. Would meeting for coffee be an option? Is it worth it to risk your recovery? If you go, it's probably a good idea to have an exit strategy in your mind.
I couldn't have done that at 53 days or 70 days. I think for me, I began to feel some confidence at around the 90 day point. Would meeting for coffee be an option? Is it worth it to risk your recovery? If you go, it's probably a good idea to have an exit strategy in your mind.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
The phrase, Drinking Buddies, says it all. Guys you drank with. You don't drink now, so maybe they aren't your buddies anymore...or shouldn't be. As for "real" friends, they won't insist you meet up in a bar.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
The thoughts are going to be there. I had to learn to manage them in every situation. For me, that meant not meeting up with drinking buddies in bars at all for the first few months.
You can in fact meet them somewhere other than a bar. Most people are more than happy to catch up over coffee or lunch or a walk.
You can in fact meet them somewhere other than a bar. Most people are more than happy to catch up over coffee or lunch or a walk.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I mostly avoided mingling with drinking buddies except in non-drinking situations for the bulk of the first year. Thereafter, I found that a number of my drinking buddies revealed themselves not to actually BE buddies, really.... so many of them faded from my life and I honestly didn't really miss them.
A few exceptions were get-togethers where there would be both drinkers and non-drinkers. In those instances I went into it with a specific exit plan, brought my own non-alcoholic beverages and left immediately when I had any niggling of feelings of discomfort or longing or whatever toward booze....
bottom line is that I had to purposely take responsibility for my sobriety which meant NOT putting myself into situations that I knew were risky, tempting, upsetting or otherwise a challenge.
A few exceptions were get-togethers where there would be both drinkers and non-drinkers. In those instances I went into it with a specific exit plan, brought my own non-alcoholic beverages and left immediately when I had any niggling of feelings of discomfort or longing or whatever toward booze....
bottom line is that I had to purposely take responsibility for my sobriety which meant NOT putting myself into situations that I knew were risky, tempting, upsetting or otherwise a challenge.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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Any tips on avoiding the inevitable, devil-on-the-shoulder "just one" thoughts?
with this, i get the impression that youve gone to bars with the intention of not drinking and ended up drinking.
the best way to keep that thought from happening?
dont go to wet places with wet faces. if theyre true friends, you and them can hang out where alcohol isnt served and there wont be any problem with it.
how much do you value your sobriety?
with this, i get the impression that youve gone to bars with the intention of not drinking and ended up drinking.
the best way to keep that thought from happening?
dont go to wet places with wet faces. if theyre true friends, you and them can hang out where alcohol isnt served and there wont be any problem with it.
how much do you value your sobriety?
D♭7♭9♯9♯11♭13
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 336
Well, you're not ready to go, so don't. If you were ready to go, you wouldn't need to make the thread. Seriously.
These are a couple of friends and colleagues in a different town. If you can't make a suggestion that's an establishment where booze isn't available and they're not okay with that, then skip it.
These are a couple of friends and colleagues in a different town. If you can't make a suggestion that's an establishment where booze isn't available and they're not okay with that, then skip it.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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After looking over the feedback I should probably clarify that I'm not talking about meeting in a bar per se. I am sure no one would take issue with hanging out in a restaurant over lunch or something; but virtually every restaurant these days has some sort of a drink menu, however limited. (If the weather is unseasonably nice I can drag them out fishing, which would be the optimal scenario, but I can't count on that.)
So it wouldn't be a sitting-on-a-barstool-staring-at-temptation scenario; more of a vague in-the-background concern. And it's something that needs to be confronted at some point because, frankly, I am not going to avoid dining out for the remainder of my life, nor am I going to cut long-time friends out forever simply because, among other things, we sometimes drank together. (I think there's a distinction to be drawn between "buddies you sometimes had drinks with," and "drinking-only buddies"; viz., people you never associated with outside the drinking environment. The second group I'm perfectly happy to part ways with.)
I'm intrigued by the reference above to "exit strategies." Any good ones to share?
So it wouldn't be a sitting-on-a-barstool-staring-at-temptation scenario; more of a vague in-the-background concern. And it's something that needs to be confronted at some point because, frankly, I am not going to avoid dining out for the remainder of my life, nor am I going to cut long-time friends out forever simply because, among other things, we sometimes drank together. (I think there's a distinction to be drawn between "buddies you sometimes had drinks with," and "drinking-only buddies"; viz., people you never associated with outside the drinking environment. The second group I'm perfectly happy to part ways with.)
I'm intrigued by the reference above to "exit strategies." Any good ones to share?
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 274
Is this a good idea?
You are worried about it already. Do you have enough sobriety to face such a challenge? Have you been around people that were drinking and it didn't bother you? A friend of mine from AA that is a high profile lawyer has to go to functions where alcohol is served. She arrives late and leaves early. However, I agree with what has been posted, I would suggest another venue than a bar, and how good friends are these buddies?
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,698
If you must (because it is really best not to mingle) you must be prepared for the peer pressure. They will convince you that you have changed, you're not fun anymore, you may threatened their own drinking issues and make them defensive. Chances are you will not make it without leaving the whole scene. Please do not take that chance. You must make your recovery priority. Your true friends will take you seriously and support you. I hope they are among your "buddies".
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Melbourne Beach, FL
Posts: 253
Way to go on 53 days! Understand that the background alcohol temptation will always be there. If you explain your precarious vulnerability, I think your buddies would abstain for your sake which would make the temptation less intense. Exit strategies such as having a plan ahead of time how to pay when the itch hits (like having cash readily available so you can throw it down and bolt). Or having an alternate venue to escape to.
You're right, you can't avoid places that serve alcohol forever, but you have to feel strong enough to where the temptation doesn't even cross your mind. Considering your post, I don't personally think you're there yet. But that's only my opinion and you have to decide that for you. Just don't rush it. Exposing yourself to your nemesis too soon is dangerous and can risk failure. All the best.
You're right, you can't avoid places that serve alcohol forever, but you have to feel strong enough to where the temptation doesn't even cross your mind. Considering your post, I don't personally think you're there yet. But that's only my opinion and you have to decide that for you. Just don't rush it. Exposing yourself to your nemesis too soon is dangerous and can risk failure. All the best.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I'm intrigued by the reference above to "exit strategies." Any good ones to share?
welp, you can complicate that or keep it simple. if ya gotta go ya gotta go. pretty simple to say," im havin a bit of rough time with temptation and gotta get out of here."
then get out.
welp, you can complicate that or keep it simple. if ya gotta go ya gotta go. pretty simple to say," im havin a bit of rough time with temptation and gotta get out of here."
then get out.
D♭7♭9♯9♯11♭13
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by Irishlaw07 
After looking over the feedback I should probably clarify that I'm not talking about meeting in a bar per se. I am sure no one would take issue with hanging out in a restaurant over lunch or something; but virtually every restaurant these days has some sort of a drink menu,
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm pretty sure drinkers would bring drinks on that fishing trip, too.
Exit strategies are just what they sound like. When/if you feel triggered you leave the room, leave the venue, whatever has to be done to keep yourself from lapsing/drinking.
I would always bring my own car or some way to get home without counting on the friend. I would put a time limit on it before going, "I only have an hour and a half, so could we go to _ _ _ _ _ _ for lunch?"
I have to be able to walk away if I'm uncomfortable. Even if it's just to the bathroom for five minutes. Do you have any sober pals you can text to remind you of your intentions?
Exit strategies are just what they sound like. When/if you feel triggered you leave the room, leave the venue, whatever has to be done to keep yourself from lapsing/drinking.
I would always bring my own car or some way to get home without counting on the friend. I would put a time limit on it before going, "I only have an hour and a half, so could we go to _ _ _ _ _ _ for lunch?"
I have to be able to walk away if I'm uncomfortable. Even if it's just to the bathroom for five minutes. Do you have any sober pals you can text to remind you of your intentions?
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 274
Exit strategies
Now I am really worried. Why put yourself into this situation? Another friend of mine from AA pretends that he has a drink, but it is not gin and tonic, it is tonic. Then he takes off because he is expecting an important phone call or has to make one to his wife, daughter or a client. IMO you really should listen to our peers at this forum and not go to a bar. Because if you are asking these questions it looks like you think something could go wrong. You have so many days, why risk it?!?
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 379
I've told myself from the start I will not spend my time around anyone who is drinking and will avoid any place that serves alcohol at all costs. Drunk (and even tipsy/merry people) are annoying! I am not sure if I will ever get the confidence, or trust myself.
If it were me I'd arrange to meet in a different setting. For a coffee, or day out maybe?
If it were me I'd arrange to meet in a different setting. For a coffee, or day out maybe?
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 379
Originally Posted by tomsteve
I'm intrigued by the reference above to "exit strategies." Any good ones to share?
welp, you can complicate that or keep it simple. if ya gotta go ya gotta go. pretty simple to say," im havin a bit of rough time with temptation and gotta get out of here."
then get out.
welp, you can complicate that or keep it simple. if ya gotta go ya gotta go. pretty simple to say," im havin a bit of rough time with temptation and gotta get out of here."
then get out.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Congrats on 53 days! How exciting!
I personally dont want to hang out with my old drinking friends as that is all they do. We now have nothing in common, well maybe that we all have kids, but that is it. I have no desire to be around people drinking, Iw ould rather spend my time doing something fun and creative!
We are all different in this aspect.
To answer your question:
If you are going to go with your friends, have a backup plan, an escape route if you end up feeling the urge to drink. I would also recommend not sitting at the bar, maybe get a table as far away from it as possible.
If you want to be sober, you will remain sober through this. I have faith in you!
Enjoy your time and be smart!
-DC
I personally dont want to hang out with my old drinking friends as that is all they do. We now have nothing in common, well maybe that we all have kids, but that is it. I have no desire to be around people drinking, Iw ould rather spend my time doing something fun and creative!
We are all different in this aspect.
To answer your question:
If you are going to go with your friends, have a backup plan, an escape route if you end up feeling the urge to drink. I would also recommend not sitting at the bar, maybe get a table as far away from it as possible.
If you want to be sober, you will remain sober through this. I have faith in you!
Enjoy your time and be smart!
-DC
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