Recovery and relapse are not a one man show
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Recovery and relapse are not a one man show
I have been struggling about posting this because I have been here too many times before. But I think, maybe, just maybe, this is something I have to do for myself. Maybe, it'll help someone else. But it's a good reminder.
I sit here and berate myself to death that I worked so hard and got so far in my sobriety... Treatment, counseling, meetings, sponsors, friends, and my first step was here at SR.
And I dropped it all. Life got in the way. I figured I had pulled myself out of the water so many times before that if I slipped, I could do it again.
I could taper off. (and yes I can, a million times in the last 6 months)
I could manage it alone. I would rather be my own hero in my head again because I knew I could do it. And I didn't want to let anyone down.
I couldn't this time.
And I am in absolute hell. I have been 5 minutes away from one phone call to 911 all day today. I have reached out now because I have been through this, close to 20 times? To know this just is not good. I keep my phone beside me and have a friend who knows what's going on.
Let me tell you a little bit of what's going on.
I have a new doctor that decided to cut my dose of clonazepam for reasons I don't know.
That's an excuse for nothing. But it also started making me sick because I was trying to taper myself back a bit because it was extremely hard to get into the doctor to get refills which also became a requisite.
The return to drinking that had crept in months before took the edge off. I am afraid of benzos because now I know how this combination of drugs and alcohol withdrawal is among the worst things I've been through. And I've been through enough of them.
And so. I wanted to chronicle this so that I remember. And maybe somebody will read this, and realize that, you know. I , too, started out as a social drinker for many years. I really didn't know there was a line you could cross. And nobody knows about it until you've crossed it, or at least I didn't.
And once you've crossed that line, it's a line you can never step back from. A disease, a problem, a state of mind that you have to commit to being vigilant of caring for.
I was very functional until yesterday.
I did not want to be honest with myself that I was maintenance drinking again. But things went downhill in hours. One day I was fine. Today, I was ready for the hospital. There was no change of my consumption or usage. But suddenly I am bedridden.
Some of the details may be foggy because I'm like Dory again but so much worse. I can't remember what I said two minutes ago. And I'm not drunk- I just go from I've cut the shakes and sweats out to being a functional alcoholic, but I have absolutely no memory of what happened the day before.
I have to think so hard about what I am doing. Simple tasks. Like doing laundry or cleaning the kitchen. When I talk to people, I always start off with "not sure if I mentioned this before but..."
But I lay in bed tonight and realized, even though I've slept probably oh, I don't maybe 18 hours after days of a couple hours of sleep?
And I am so tired. I am so exhausted, I fall asleep in the bathroom. I can doze off anywhere if I don't do something to keep myself awake.
And I'm also scared. I don't trust my benzos in my condition.
I've stopped breathing more than once in my sleep in the past two days. It feels a massive labour to breathe. And so I'm scared to fall asleep.
I have bruises everywhere. Just from normal bumps. Just in the past week.
Everything on the one side of my body hurts so much, that I took otc pain killers way more than I should have. The pain was and still is at times, unbearable. And I don't know why.
And I am dizzy, almost all the time. Just in the last 5 or so days.
And I know. And I know this from before. This is just the start. I wake up every morning wanting to throw up, shaking like a leaf, and I cannot get enough water into me from bedtime to sun up.
The hallucinations crept in long before the withdrawals. And they are just getting, and going to get, worse. There is no in between of a sober or drunk state anymore. I just don't work. I don't drive. I just function. The crazy nightmares are becoming a normal thing. Tolerance and kindling are not real world lesson I wanted to learn.
The pains in my head are much different. From all the things my body and brain are going through right now, I know I am in need of attention.
I might be able to walk and talk a pretty good game- but that's only in my lucid moments. I don't look like the alcoholic I did before, I look for the most part like normal sober ol me. I wish I had it branded on my forehead sometimes so I wouldn't forget.
And I know I can be pretty verbose and prone to the dramatic at times. But, I also know that, once you cross that line, you only get so many chances to right the wrongs that you've put yourself through. And you don't get to cross back.
And so I lay in bed, I think as logically as possible about all the detoxes I've done and how this one compares. And that I've been around the SR halls long enough to know that my lovely family here doesn't need to offer advice to get back onto the path- I know what I need to do. Fix my damn hiking boots and stop trying to hike this path alone. The plan, the map, it's still there. I just forgot to use it.
PSA? Self reminder? Getting a weight off my chest? Not really sure.
We think, or I think, there's this huge stigma of shame and judgment once our brains are altered by using again. And forget there is a massive community of people who are ready and willing to give you a hand and help you get back up without scoring how spectacular your fall was.
Whatever the outlet is don't shut yourself out by cloaking yourself in shame. We are always, always our own worst critics.
I can't even claim a day one, or an hour one or whatever, until I get the help I need. I'm not ashamed to say it anymore, that's what kept me away for too long.
This a home that has given me massive strength and love. It might be hard to remember when you fall back down the rabbit hole.
But it's still a safe home. Where I know I can get better, again.
So much love to you guys.
I'm glad I came home.
xoxo Del
I sit here and berate myself to death that I worked so hard and got so far in my sobriety... Treatment, counseling, meetings, sponsors, friends, and my first step was here at SR.
And I dropped it all. Life got in the way. I figured I had pulled myself out of the water so many times before that if I slipped, I could do it again.
I could taper off. (and yes I can, a million times in the last 6 months)
I could manage it alone. I would rather be my own hero in my head again because I knew I could do it. And I didn't want to let anyone down.
I couldn't this time.
And I am in absolute hell. I have been 5 minutes away from one phone call to 911 all day today. I have reached out now because I have been through this, close to 20 times? To know this just is not good. I keep my phone beside me and have a friend who knows what's going on.
Let me tell you a little bit of what's going on.
I have a new doctor that decided to cut my dose of clonazepam for reasons I don't know.
That's an excuse for nothing. But it also started making me sick because I was trying to taper myself back a bit because it was extremely hard to get into the doctor to get refills which also became a requisite.
The return to drinking that had crept in months before took the edge off. I am afraid of benzos because now I know how this combination of drugs and alcohol withdrawal is among the worst things I've been through. And I've been through enough of them.
And so. I wanted to chronicle this so that I remember. And maybe somebody will read this, and realize that, you know. I , too, started out as a social drinker for many years. I really didn't know there was a line you could cross. And nobody knows about it until you've crossed it, or at least I didn't.
And once you've crossed that line, it's a line you can never step back from. A disease, a problem, a state of mind that you have to commit to being vigilant of caring for.
I was very functional until yesterday.
I did not want to be honest with myself that I was maintenance drinking again. But things went downhill in hours. One day I was fine. Today, I was ready for the hospital. There was no change of my consumption or usage. But suddenly I am bedridden.
Some of the details may be foggy because I'm like Dory again but so much worse. I can't remember what I said two minutes ago. And I'm not drunk- I just go from I've cut the shakes and sweats out to being a functional alcoholic, but I have absolutely no memory of what happened the day before.
I have to think so hard about what I am doing. Simple tasks. Like doing laundry or cleaning the kitchen. When I talk to people, I always start off with "not sure if I mentioned this before but..."
But I lay in bed tonight and realized, even though I've slept probably oh, I don't maybe 18 hours after days of a couple hours of sleep?
And I am so tired. I am so exhausted, I fall asleep in the bathroom. I can doze off anywhere if I don't do something to keep myself awake.
And I'm also scared. I don't trust my benzos in my condition.
I've stopped breathing more than once in my sleep in the past two days. It feels a massive labour to breathe. And so I'm scared to fall asleep.
I have bruises everywhere. Just from normal bumps. Just in the past week.
Everything on the one side of my body hurts so much, that I took otc pain killers way more than I should have. The pain was and still is at times, unbearable. And I don't know why.
And I am dizzy, almost all the time. Just in the last 5 or so days.
And I know. And I know this from before. This is just the start. I wake up every morning wanting to throw up, shaking like a leaf, and I cannot get enough water into me from bedtime to sun up.
The hallucinations crept in long before the withdrawals. And they are just getting, and going to get, worse. There is no in between of a sober or drunk state anymore. I just don't work. I don't drive. I just function. The crazy nightmares are becoming a normal thing. Tolerance and kindling are not real world lesson I wanted to learn.
The pains in my head are much different. From all the things my body and brain are going through right now, I know I am in need of attention.
I might be able to walk and talk a pretty good game- but that's only in my lucid moments. I don't look like the alcoholic I did before, I look for the most part like normal sober ol me. I wish I had it branded on my forehead sometimes so I wouldn't forget.
And I know I can be pretty verbose and prone to the dramatic at times. But, I also know that, once you cross that line, you only get so many chances to right the wrongs that you've put yourself through. And you don't get to cross back.
And so I lay in bed, I think as logically as possible about all the detoxes I've done and how this one compares. And that I've been around the SR halls long enough to know that my lovely family here doesn't need to offer advice to get back onto the path- I know what I need to do. Fix my damn hiking boots and stop trying to hike this path alone. The plan, the map, it's still there. I just forgot to use it.
PSA? Self reminder? Getting a weight off my chest? Not really sure.
We think, or I think, there's this huge stigma of shame and judgment once our brains are altered by using again. And forget there is a massive community of people who are ready and willing to give you a hand and help you get back up without scoring how spectacular your fall was.
Whatever the outlet is don't shut yourself out by cloaking yourself in shame. We are always, always our own worst critics.
I can't even claim a day one, or an hour one or whatever, until I get the help I need. I'm not ashamed to say it anymore, that's what kept me away for too long.
This a home that has given me massive strength and love. It might be hard to remember when you fall back down the rabbit hole.
But it's still a safe home. Where I know I can get better, again.
So much love to you guys.
I'm glad I came home.
xoxo Del
Last edited by Delizadee; 02-22-2018 at 03:29 AM. Reason: blah, blah, sorry for the novel
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Geordie Land
Posts: 380
That is heart-wrenching to read Delizadee. As you say, there is nothing anyone could say, that you don't already know yourself.
Just fix your sights on the goal of where you want to be, and who you want to be and keep walking.
Just fix your sights on the goal of where you want to be, and who you want to be and keep walking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 976
Aww I’m sorry. This is a great reminder of how that ONE sip opens the door back to so much more drinking. It starts off slow and then snowballs. I’m glad you’re here and posting! I hope you start to feel better but go to the ER if you need too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Del
I hope that you do seek medical attention. Detoxing off benzo's and alcohol is very dangerous. Its a double whammy.
I don't know what you were taking benzo's long term for but I invite you to reconsider starting them again once you get through this. Drs prescribe benzo's alarmingly often to recovering alcoholics. Usually for anxiety. They are simply put, alcohol in pill form. The person thinks "oh its prescription. I'm taking it as prescribed". Even so, the person gets hooked. Builds tolerance. I have a friend who took them at night for 3 years after quitting. Never 'abused' them. She had a horrible detox from them when her dr retired and the new dr refused to keep prescribing. It sent her back to alcohol. And right where you are now. She ended up in the hospital for a week. And that's one of many stories I have heard. In truth, an alcoholic who takes benzo's long term is really just continuing to drink. The brain doesn't know the difference. And like alcohol, they eventually cause the anxiety that the pills are supposed to be treating. There are other ways of dealing with anxiety. Believe me.
Sorry for the long words of caution. I just see this so often. I believe for an addict whose doc is alcohol, one can't truly be sober until all forms of 'alcohol' are out of the system. There are many other, less mind altering drugs, that can help with anxiety.
Hang in there. Thank you for sharing your story. Go to the ER if necessary. There is no shame in that.
I hope that you do seek medical attention. Detoxing off benzo's and alcohol is very dangerous. Its a double whammy.
I don't know what you were taking benzo's long term for but I invite you to reconsider starting them again once you get through this. Drs prescribe benzo's alarmingly often to recovering alcoholics. Usually for anxiety. They are simply put, alcohol in pill form. The person thinks "oh its prescription. I'm taking it as prescribed". Even so, the person gets hooked. Builds tolerance. I have a friend who took them at night for 3 years after quitting. Never 'abused' them. She had a horrible detox from them when her dr retired and the new dr refused to keep prescribing. It sent her back to alcohol. And right where you are now. She ended up in the hospital for a week. And that's one of many stories I have heard. In truth, an alcoholic who takes benzo's long term is really just continuing to drink. The brain doesn't know the difference. And like alcohol, they eventually cause the anxiety that the pills are supposed to be treating. There are other ways of dealing with anxiety. Believe me.
Sorry for the long words of caution. I just see this so often. I believe for an addict whose doc is alcohol, one can't truly be sober until all forms of 'alcohol' are out of the system. There are many other, less mind altering drugs, that can help with anxiety.
Hang in there. Thank you for sharing your story. Go to the ER if necessary. There is no shame in that.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Delizadee, I'm so sad about all you're going through.
Please get IRL help. Keep us posted here all the time -- post, post, post -- but it sounds like you need to call 911. Frequent hallucinations are not something to just walk through, as you well know. Detox puts tremendous stress on the body and it can kill you.
Please take care!
Please get IRL help. Keep us posted here all the time -- post, post, post -- but it sounds like you need to call 911. Frequent hallucinations are not something to just walk through, as you well know. Detox puts tremendous stress on the body and it can kill you.
Please take care!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Thanks loves.
Today is better. I am tired and shaky but functional.
I was so frikken mad when the new dr I had cut my clonazepam dose without any warning or taper plan, like my old doctor had planned with me. And having to cut down enough to get me through to my next available appointment was the worst thing.
First I drank because I was stressed. And then I drank again because I could not stop shaking from the change in my drugs.
I need to go back to my old clinic and I don't know if I can.
I live in a city of addicts. So the medical community takes a pretty staunch stance on controlled substances. Which is fine. But I also have been on these meds long enough and managed well enough I could not fathom why my new GP would drop my dose, no taper plan, not even tell me, when my meds had been well managed for over a year now.
Also, asking for a psych referral because he said I needed one. And never got it.
Ugggh. And to be told that I had to go back monthly to get my long time regular meds is so frustrating.
I slept so much yesterday that I was up until 6:30 am. I had a brief nap but still ok.
The hallucinations get talked about so frequently here- there are so many reasons why I get them to begin with without even drinking. Electrolyte problems, bad SSRI's for me, and just a general overload of drugs and stress. A lot of it I just got used to.
I am ok. I am ok. I really am. I do need to reconnect IRL, you're right courage. I am going to go back to church and I have me a friend from a different church to try out. A little bit of quiet head time.
I will be fine. I am going to try and get back into treatment but I am so unsure about how well it will go over. No need to tell me the importance- I know I have to come first.
Somewhere along the line.. It came together and fell apart all in two weeks.
I had a plan, an illusion, and a really big problem.
I had to dump so many things that I cared so much about.
Such is life when you know you are just going to keep effing everything in your life up if you keep walking the same path.
But really today has been surprisingly better. I felt really relieved that I got about 3 hours of sleep that weren't too horrible.
Today is better. I am tired and shaky but functional.
I was so frikken mad when the new dr I had cut my clonazepam dose without any warning or taper plan, like my old doctor had planned with me. And having to cut down enough to get me through to my next available appointment was the worst thing.
First I drank because I was stressed. And then I drank again because I could not stop shaking from the change in my drugs.
I need to go back to my old clinic and I don't know if I can.
I live in a city of addicts. So the medical community takes a pretty staunch stance on controlled substances. Which is fine. But I also have been on these meds long enough and managed well enough I could not fathom why my new GP would drop my dose, no taper plan, not even tell me, when my meds had been well managed for over a year now.
Also, asking for a psych referral because he said I needed one. And never got it.
Ugggh. And to be told that I had to go back monthly to get my long time regular meds is so frustrating.
I slept so much yesterday that I was up until 6:30 am. I had a brief nap but still ok.
The hallucinations get talked about so frequently here- there are so many reasons why I get them to begin with without even drinking. Electrolyte problems, bad SSRI's for me, and just a general overload of drugs and stress. A lot of it I just got used to.
I am ok. I am ok. I really am. I do need to reconnect IRL, you're right courage. I am going to go back to church and I have me a friend from a different church to try out. A little bit of quiet head time.
I will be fine. I am going to try and get back into treatment but I am so unsure about how well it will go over. No need to tell me the importance- I know I have to come first.
Somewhere along the line.. It came together and fell apart all in two weeks.
I had a plan, an illusion, and a really big problem.
I had to dump so many things that I cared so much about.
Such is life when you know you are just going to keep effing everything in your life up if you keep walking the same path.
But really today has been surprisingly better. I felt really relieved that I got about 3 hours of sleep that weren't too horrible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I don't know where to start on my mountain of problems and it doesn't matter really, I am stressed about no income but trying to get through each day ok. But now I have more time to get back into taking care of me.
I am wary and frustrated at the AA/NA community out here.
If you can stay clean and wrack up months and years you are a hero.
If you relapse, once or many times, it gets talked about outside the doors all the time. I know. Because I have had to put too many people in their place about, don't remember who said it but, not shooting our own wounded??
It's extremely discouraging the gossip and judging that goes on in this town in the "anonymous" community. And it keeps too many people away from the rooms.
At the end of the day I have a big enough mouth I'll hit the rooms again and won't hold back my thoughts on that. In the rooms and not outside like usually happens.
I can't figure out where the logic ends and the excuses start. Well, we can just switch those former for the latter. Haha.
And as for the hallucinations- I've seen pretty bad stuff. The reaper standing over me all night. Dead kids in my room all night.
I hate to qualify things like that- but I keep measure on all the other stuff as much as I can as well.
This is just it. This has to be the last one. I have used up my 9 lives.
I am wary and frustrated at the AA/NA community out here.
If you can stay clean and wrack up months and years you are a hero.
If you relapse, once or many times, it gets talked about outside the doors all the time. I know. Because I have had to put too many people in their place about, don't remember who said it but, not shooting our own wounded??
It's extremely discouraging the gossip and judging that goes on in this town in the "anonymous" community. And it keeps too many people away from the rooms.
At the end of the day I have a big enough mouth I'll hit the rooms again and won't hold back my thoughts on that. In the rooms and not outside like usually happens.
I can't figure out where the logic ends and the excuses start. Well, we can just switch those former for the latter. Haha.
And as for the hallucinations- I've seen pretty bad stuff. The reaper standing over me all night. Dead kids in my room all night.
I hate to qualify things like that- but I keep measure on all the other stuff as much as I can as well.
This is just it. This has to be the last one. I have used up my 9 lives.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
Hi Del
I hope that you do seek medical attention. Detoxing off benzo's and alcohol is very dangerous. Its a double whammy.
I don't know what you were taking benzo's long term for but I invite you to reconsider starting them again once you get through this. Drs prescribe benzo's alarmingly often to recovering alcoholics. Usually for anxiety. They are simply put, alcohol in pill form. The person thinks "oh its prescription. I'm taking it as prescribed". Even so, the person gets hooked. Builds tolerance. I have a friend who took them at night for 3 years after quitting. Never 'abused' them. She had a horrible detox from them when her dr retired and the new dr refused to keep prescribing. It sent her back to alcohol. And right where you are now. She ended up in the hospital for a week. And that's one of many stories I have heard. In truth, an alcoholic who takes benzo's long term is really just continuing to drink. The brain doesn't know the difference. And like alcohol, they eventually cause the anxiety that the pills are supposed to be treating. There are other ways of dealing with anxiety. Believe me.
Sorry for the long words of caution. I just see this so often. I believe for an addict whose doc is alcohol, one can't truly be sober until all forms of 'alcohol' are out of the system. There are many other, less mind altering drugs, that can help with anxiety.
Hang in there. Thank you for sharing your story. Go to the ER if necessary. There is no shame in that.
I hope that you do seek medical attention. Detoxing off benzo's and alcohol is very dangerous. Its a double whammy.
I don't know what you were taking benzo's long term for but I invite you to reconsider starting them again once you get through this. Drs prescribe benzo's alarmingly often to recovering alcoholics. Usually for anxiety. They are simply put, alcohol in pill form. The person thinks "oh its prescription. I'm taking it as prescribed". Even so, the person gets hooked. Builds tolerance. I have a friend who took them at night for 3 years after quitting. Never 'abused' them. She had a horrible detox from them when her dr retired and the new dr refused to keep prescribing. It sent her back to alcohol. And right where you are now. She ended up in the hospital for a week. And that's one of many stories I have heard. In truth, an alcoholic who takes benzo's long term is really just continuing to drink. The brain doesn't know the difference. And like alcohol, they eventually cause the anxiety that the pills are supposed to be treating. There are other ways of dealing with anxiety. Believe me.
Sorry for the long words of caution. I just see this so often. I believe for an addict whose doc is alcohol, one can't truly be sober until all forms of 'alcohol' are out of the system. There are many other, less mind altering drugs, that can help with anxiety.
Hang in there. Thank you for sharing your story. Go to the ER if necessary. There is no shame in that.
I was with that clinic and doctor for over 5 years, and it's attached to the small town hospital where I ended up many, many times due to my drinking and overdoses. The majority of the doctors there are the most amazingly kind, caring and empathetic doctors.
They got me through some really tough times. And saved me a few times. Literally.
I want to go back there. I don't want to be a 15 minute 1 issue case.
Maybe I am being a princess lol.
Free health care is frikken great, but it is damn hard to find good care when they have to push the patients through in under 15 minutes.
I had to find one member I could trust and it was a woman who leaned on me a lot when I was sober and she was struggling. My sponsor- I don't know what it is about it. She breaks me down. She's wonderful.
And let's just be real here, among friends. We don't talk, we don't talk, we don't talk because it's much easier to just numb the crushing pain of life and fear that you can't figure out how to deal with yourself. If you're stuck with your foot in the wrong door.
My dad told me once when him and mom had to go to court to fight for custody against my birth father when I was a baby, it wasn't about climbing a mountain.
I remember he put his hand up like a straight stop, with tears in his eyes. He's not a crier. He said it was like hitting a brick wall and having your entire life stripped naked and drug through the mud.
And walking through it anyways. And that's what it feels like, hitting a wall, and trying get back over the bloody thing and writing this all makes me feel incredibly raw.
Where do you go? Who do you trust? And when you feel really empty and desperate, the stupid frikken liquor store is a few minutes away.
I am so sick of starting over.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Delizadee
I am so sick of starting over.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I really and truly thought I was done this time Scott, and D.
But I guess that ended months ago now... and I seem to recall a wise person telling me oh, 2 years ish ago, that the past is gone, done and dusted.
Can't drive forward with your eyes glued to the rearview mirror. And not even worry about the crash. Until it happens.
The easiest answer is often the worst.
I think I may have just opened up my schedule to go back to treatment.
I just.. I don't know. We spent 6 very intense weeks putting together a solid plan for when we got out. I really thought I had a grip this time.
Good lord my recovery plan has turned into a recovery briefcase. Oh and there's two other boxes too.
I make things so damn frikken complicated. I don't even care about the whos, that whats, the whens and why's of it all, I haven't for a long time because treatment was like ripping your guts out and examining them for a few weeks and trying to figure out how to put it all back together without pain.
6 weeks was not enough. I do not. Understand. why I cannot figure out how to take care of myself. Sober or not.
I know the tipping point is as simple as a decision, followed by the action. I have been through this so many times.
I never, ever ever should have stopped posting here.
But I guess that ended months ago now... and I seem to recall a wise person telling me oh, 2 years ish ago, that the past is gone, done and dusted.
Can't drive forward with your eyes glued to the rearview mirror. And not even worry about the crash. Until it happens.
The easiest answer is often the worst.
I think I may have just opened up my schedule to go back to treatment.
I just.. I don't know. We spent 6 very intense weeks putting together a solid plan for when we got out. I really thought I had a grip this time.
Good lord my recovery plan has turned into a recovery briefcase. Oh and there's two other boxes too.
I make things so damn frikken complicated. I don't even care about the whos, that whats, the whens and why's of it all, I haven't for a long time because treatment was like ripping your guts out and examining them for a few weeks and trying to figure out how to put it all back together without pain.
6 weeks was not enough. I do not. Understand. why I cannot figure out how to take care of myself. Sober or not.
I know the tipping point is as simple as a decision, followed by the action. I have been through this so many times.
I never, ever ever should have stopped posting here.
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Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
It's never off the table, and they would fast track me into the treatment centre because I have been there before.
I started trying to hammer away at another lifelong addiction as well at totally the wrong time, that I was working my way up to a different treatment 30 day stay in the summer. I think that would be infinitely harder than just detoxing again. Much safer. I think anyways.
I just freaked out in so many ways. And smashed the shut down button.
I am not sure how much help going back to my previous treatment centre would be? I have 24/7 access to them and I can go back in almost any time I like.
Wow. I need to repeat that to myself.
FFS.
I started trying to hammer away at another lifelong addiction as well at totally the wrong time, that I was working my way up to a different treatment 30 day stay in the summer. I think that would be infinitely harder than just detoxing again. Much safer. I think anyways.
I just freaked out in so many ways. And smashed the shut down button.
I am not sure how much help going back to my previous treatment centre would be? I have 24/7 access to them and I can go back in almost any time I like.
Wow. I need to repeat that to myself.
FFS.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Ahh. Nevermind. I remember now. I would only ever call at night because they could talk for hours... and I don't know who the night staff is anymore. But I know when I was there, one of the regular night staff counselors fought to keep me out of treatment for what? 3 or 4 months.
It was nothing personal, she didn't even know me at all, it was strictly related to my eating disorder.
That's why I haven't called since I have been there. She was even a very non sympathetic person.
Argh. It's always one or two stupid excuses. But you get kicked when you're down and trying your ******* hardest to get back up is incredibly discouraging.
I don't know. Back to the drawing board because I am running into multiple problems. And the apathy is the worst enemy but I'm getting too tired to care.
Although, I've used that to get hard stuff many times.
Arrgh! Tail chasing again!
It was nothing personal, she didn't even know me at all, it was strictly related to my eating disorder.
That's why I haven't called since I have been there. She was even a very non sympathetic person.
Argh. It's always one or two stupid excuses. But you get kicked when you're down and trying your ******* hardest to get back up is incredibly discouraging.
I don't know. Back to the drawing board because I am running into multiple problems. And the apathy is the worst enemy but I'm getting too tired to care.
Although, I've used that to get hard stuff many times.
Arrgh! Tail chasing again!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
Maybe write out all your options, cross out the 'nuh uhs' and hopefully you end up with a short list of possible plans of attack?
I can only imagine how hard it is to try and deal with multiple addictions but the fundamental step for any recovery is action.
Don't fall down the analysis paralysis hole Del, ok?
D
I can only imagine how hard it is to try and deal with multiple addictions but the fundamental step for any recovery is action.
Don't fall down the analysis paralysis hole Del, ok?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I somehow became good at that D. I am the ultimate procrastinator of planning.
However. I called the treatment centre. I talked to one of my counselors for an hour. I was not honest with her about my drinking (
) But she knows my story and we go to many of the same meetings. This lady is such an angel. Like the funniest unexpected brash and unforgiving angel. lol.
We talked for an hour. I promised (which I hate doing- addict who just lied massively) that I would go to the Saturday meeting.
THIS is the problem with letting down the people you grow to love and suck in your family as their own and want their work and their association with the fellowship succeed.
No excuses Del, no more. This is ridiculously unacceptable.
I spent an hour on the phone with Ms C and even if lied... I heavily considered my options. Still am.
I have the dream rehab here. What do I do?
think think think think.
I am, also I guess I should mention (again if I have not already) doing physically better.
It's just a horrible feeling. To know you're stuck in a terrible place of it's nothing but maintenance at this point. You have no family and few friends to lean on. Except for you're dumb and don't lean enough when you know you should.
I am so glad I posted. I am so glad I spent that hour on the phone with one of my most favorite people. In a place that changed my life
I am freaking the hell out and I am not sure why. Is this a benzo thing?? because this is very new and unexpected. pulling my hair and stomping my legs at the computer
ayiyiyi 60 to 0 again.
I think I am DT ing this time lol. Do I sleep it off, medicate it off, wambulance it off or what was the other one. Why can't I remember the other one? I don't know but I find this ridiculously funny
I think, I might be in trouble. lol.
Ahhh, I need like seriously but
what the hell ever. typin.g
However. I called the treatment centre. I talked to one of my counselors for an hour. I was not honest with her about my drinking (
) But she knows my story and we go to many of the same meetings. This lady is such an angel. Like the funniest unexpected brash and unforgiving angel. lol. We talked for an hour. I promised (which I hate doing- addict who just lied massively) that I would go to the Saturday meeting.
THIS is the problem with letting down the people you grow to love and suck in your family as their own and want their work and their association with the fellowship succeed.
No excuses Del, no more. This is ridiculously unacceptable.
I spent an hour on the phone with Ms C and even if lied... I heavily considered my options. Still am.
I have the dream rehab here. What do I do?
think think think think.
I am, also I guess I should mention (again if I have not already) doing physically better.
It's just a horrible feeling. To know you're stuck in a terrible place of it's nothing but maintenance at this point. You have no family and few friends to lean on. Except for you're dumb and don't lean enough when you know you should.
I am so glad I posted. I am so glad I spent that hour on the phone with one of my most favorite people. In a place that changed my life
I am freaking the hell out and I am not sure why. Is this a benzo thing?? because this is very new and unexpected. pulling my hair and stomping my legs at the computer
ayiyiyi 60 to 0 again.
I think I am DT ing this time lol. Do I sleep it off, medicate it off, wambulance it off or what was the other one. Why can't I remember the other one? I don't know but I find this ridiculously funny
I think, I might be in trouble. lol.
Ahhh, I need like seriously but
what the hell ever. typin.g
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
What’s the worst that would happen if you submitted to rehab? You might squirm a bit laying yourself on the line?
I can get lost in analysis paralysis too.
There is a way out.
I just hold my nose, cut the crap and take the plunge! Once it’s done, it’s done, and I’m greatly relieved.
You know intellectually that rehab would be a good thing.
Listen to your brain, not your fear!
Meanwhile, I agree with Dee. Go to the ER!
I can get lost in analysis paralysis too.
There is a way out.
I just hold my nose, cut the crap and take the plunge! Once it’s done, it’s done, and I’m greatly relieved.
You know intellectually that rehab would be a good thing.
Listen to your brain, not your fear!
Meanwhile, I agree with Dee. Go to the ER!
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