Help me figure this out

Old 02-21-2018, 10:23 AM
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Help me figure this out

Wife stopped drinking 4 months ago and has been gong to AA almost everyday. Her recovery was going very well.
Over the past couple of weeks i noticed her moods changing and mentioning that everyone slips at AA and she thinks many members drink occasionally but dont admit it. She has been very proud of her sobriety in all areas of her life. She really got it.

Last nigh she came home and i knew she had been drinking. It was obvious to me and she tried her best to cover it up. And that was obvious.
I kept my mouth shut. This amorning, she was acting weird and i read about what to do in these situations on a variety of sites.
So I confronted about the lying and hiding. I understand about slipping but the lying and hiding I cannot deal with.
Over the day she has flipped the script and now I am the abuser bad guy,
Everyone at her AA meeting supported her slipping as long as she came back to the meeting... and made me the bad guy.

I am pissed. So am I to assume that AA is all about slipping and being cheered for coming back and anyone who says otherwise becomes the enemy?

What am I supposed to do? I cannot take the sneaking around and lying to my face anymore.

And yes, I attend Al-Anon.
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Old 02-21-2018, 10:29 AM
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I have to wonder what is TRULY being said at her AA meetings. What she is saying could be lies, too. To cover her own rear end.

I wouldn't believe anything coming out of her mouth. Sorry.
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Old 02-21-2018, 10:30 AM
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you are her spouse.
AA is a support group.

please don't make this another anti-AA rant.

if no one was allowed BACK to AA after drinking, there wouldn't be many attendees. the PURPOSE of AA is to help people learn how to NOT drink, with a recommended program to get to internal motivators.

that YOUR wife chooses to make YOU the bad guy is NOT an AA problem....it's a relapsing wife problem. you don't HAVE to be ok with her drinking, or with her trying to hide it from you. and if confronting her, makes her feel cornered well then so be it. that's HER reaction.
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Old 02-21-2018, 10:31 AM
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You are the bad guy because you called her out on it.
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Old 02-21-2018, 10:32 AM
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dont know much about the whole story but on this:

Everyone at her AA meeting supported her slipping as long as she came back to the meeting... and made me the bad guy.
I am pissed. So am I to assume that AA is all about slipping and being cheered for coming back and anyone who says otherwise becomes the enemy?


forst off, my OPINION is slips happen on ice and relapse ends with a drink. people have pre meditated drunks.
AA nor anyone who has worked the program supports drinking again. i have heard a few times in AA,"its ok if you "slip". you made it back."
i call BS because its NOT ok. it does happen, but that doesnt make it ok. if a person is playing,"it was just a "slip"" game, then they aint ready to get sober.

i'll guarantee not everyone at the AA meeting supported it and cheered.

and a good alcoholic will start playing the victim.

but dont blame AA for your marital problems- thats a different issue.
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Old 02-21-2018, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
you are her spouse.
AA is a support group.

please don't make this another anti-AA rant.

if no one was allowed BACK to AA after drinking, there wouldn't be many attendees. the PURPOSE of AA is to help people learn how to NOT drink, with a recommended program to get to internal motivators.

that YOUR wife chooses to make YOU the bad guy is NOT an AA problem....it's a relapsing wife problem. you don't HAVE to be ok with her drinking, or with her trying to hide it from you. and if confronting her, makes her feel cornered well then so be it. that's HER reaction.
I don't know that he's trying to bash AA. I think he was trying to figure out if stuff she was saying was true or not.

But, hey. I could be wrong altogether. LOL
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Old 02-21-2018, 10:36 AM
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She chose to lie, hide the details and turned on you. What will your boundaries be? What are you doing for you?
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Old 02-21-2018, 10:41 AM
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I am not blaming AA, I am trying to figure out what to do.
She is demanding compassion and forgiveness. Says if I dont give that I am just abusing her.

I understand that they slip sometimes. I had a hunch she was going to last night. I even mentioned it before she went out and asked her not to drink.

I have a problem with the hiding it and lying. Rugsweeping?
Its not ok with me.
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Old 02-21-2018, 10:41 AM
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I think this is why it's important if you are going to stay w/an addict you have a plan made, a contract signed by you both, what will happen if a relapse occurs.

Addicts in true recovery can see that they are at fault for their own behaviors. Addicts who are not in recovery blame everyone else.

So sorry.
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Old 02-21-2018, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Addicts in true recovery can see that they are at fault for their own behaviors. Addicts who are not in recovery blame everyone else.
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Old 02-21-2018, 10:52 AM
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Only you can decide what your boundaries are around what you will live with and what you won't, and you don't owe anyone compassion or forgiveness except yourself. If lying, hiding, and rugsweeping are dealbreakers for you, then fair enough.

I for one don't think withholding immediate compassion and forgiveness constitutes abuse. You are allowed to have feelings about the behavior of the person you are married to. She doesn't get to dictate what those feelings should be.

If you are trying to figure out what to do, focus on your responses and your options here. Changing her is not an option. Deciding what you can live with is.
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Old 02-21-2018, 10:52 AM
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This is an example of why I have always said that I think it would be more merciful, all around, if there was a "law" that the alcoholic lived separate from the loved ones for the first year (at least) of the early recovery period.
I say that a retreat in the mountains of Nepal would be perfect place for the alcoholic.
This way, it would give both the time and space away from each other to work on their respective programs.....
So...maybe Nepal is not available...but, what about a sober house...like Oxford House......

Or....maybe you could go to a retreat.......(a separation period)......
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Old 02-21-2018, 11:43 AM
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She is demanding compassion and forgiveness. Says if I dont give that I am just abusing her.
In my opinion, she is manipulating you, conning you, gas lighting you all on her road back to drinking again.

For you to buy her BS would be like her hitting the free booze lottery! Stick to you what you see and what you know not what you wish it to be.
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Old 02-21-2018, 12:11 PM
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I have a problem with the hiding it and lying. Rugsweeping?
Its not ok with me.


i think most of us here are in total agreement with you on this one! being lied to, especially by someone in your inner circle, someone you are SUPPOSED to have a trusting, open relationship with, is a real violation. she did so because she had ulterior motives.....she was drinking and did not want you to know. so thought she could "get away with it". that's what alcoholics do...............

this was on her part pre-meditated, she didn't accidentally fall face first IN to a martini. so she's playing both sides now.......you and AA. it's sneaky and manipulative. which means she isn't "getting" the program at all..........
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Old 02-21-2018, 02:16 PM
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I feel for you in this situation donewithhurting. I know how difficult it was for me when I was in a similar spot with my exah, I felt stuck between a rock and freaking mount everest. . The promises to quit, the lies, hiding, manipulations. No matter what I did or how I responded I was the bad person and he always saw me as an obstacle to his drinking.

Hold fast to your truth ... no matter how many times the A in our lives tell us the fridge is green!

I posted on another part of this forum about something I read recently that made a lot of sense to me: when an A tells us feelings/beliefs are wrong or "You're the only person who thinks like that" they are really using allies (real or imagined ones) to back up their lies and manipulation of us ... to protect their addictions.

I learned in al-anon that other peoples opinions of me are none of my business. Sending you support.

GM
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Old 02-22-2018, 03:01 AM
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Hi Done, I'm sorry this has happened. It must be a real blow to you.

Now you've called her on it, there's no further role for you. You certainly don't have to show her support and compassion if that's not your inclination, and her telling you that sounds like BS from a distance. Nor do you have to argue with her about whether she has been drinking. You both know the truth.

You can control your actions though and make your own decisions.
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Old 02-22-2018, 03:34 AM
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What am I supposed to do? I cannot take the sneaking around and lying to my face anymore.

Well when I was in your position I had two choices. Put up with how he was or leave cos he was never going to change. His interest in any recovery was zero even tho if I had a dollar for every time he said "Starting from tomorrow I will".......stop drinking, get help.......whatever he thought he needed to say to shut me up and get me off his case for a little bit longer. Tomorrow never came and in the end he stopped even pretending he was going to seek recovery. I left and it was the lies that broke our marriage. By the time we split up I had nothing left but contempt for him. I was sick of the gas lighting, the denial, the
way he got other people on his side and made me look to be the bad person. Only you know if it is worth staying or not.
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Old 02-22-2018, 04:47 AM
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If there's one thing I can say about her is that she hates being called out on her sh-t. Yesterday was a day from hell. Thanks to you all for your words of encouragement and support. She is back to her meeting today and determined to follow the path to sobriety. There is no point in trying to get her to understand that a "slip" is really a conscious decision until she is ready to do so on her own, and i doubt it will happen anytime soon with her aa friends cheering her return as if slipping is a badge of honor. It's the lying I have to most trouble with. I guess that's part of the recovery eh? It's become such an ingrained part of how she deals with things. Hard to break that habit.
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Old 02-22-2018, 05:28 AM
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Your wife is not in recovery (yet). She can’t be truthful to herself (AA cheering her “slips” just bc she returns???? No, they should be holding her accountable- BIG difference), so how do you expect her to be truthful to you? Sounds like you haven’t set any boundaries (which are for YOU, not her) so she knows what to expect. And it sounds like lack of honesty is a deal breaker. You need to tell her that if that’s the case.
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Old 02-22-2018, 05:41 AM
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she hates being called out on her sh-t.
pretty common amongst alkies.

and i doubt it will happen anytime soon with her aa friends cheering her return as if slipping is a badge of honor.

you positive those people are cheering her and acting like a pre meditated drunk is a badge of honor? you know that for a fact or is that just hearsay?
idk, i could be callin an alkie out on their BS here.
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