ptarmigan

I honestly think as an old man - is 56 old? - that I don't matter so much to others around me.
I feel death around me now. Whereas before death was something that will happen eventually in the future, something that's broadcasted ahead, now I feel it all the time. When I'm in a real drinking phase - which is more often than not - I'm starting to be amazed that I wake up and I'm there the next morning. I mean I really feel it. I'm still alive.
Death is real for me now. It's not abstract ****. Every drink is bringing it closer. I'm at the age of dying, natural dying, not accidents or suicide. If you're young you might think that older people are somehow understanding of it, but they're not. I'm still 15 in my mind.
If you're young then understand that you won't develop anymore wisdom. This is who you are. Things certainly don't become easier to cope with. Stop pissing yourself up now. Because you'll destroy yourself like I have.
If someone starts a thread and they're young, you know they've got kids whatever, my heart goes out to them. I suppose I emotionally invest more in them than I would in someone older with no dependants.
But life is life isn't it? What right do I have to kill someone, even if that person is me. It's completely unhealthy. I'm a sick bastard aren't I? I drink more than I don't by far. I also know how harmful it is.
If the real feel of death around me isn't making me stop then what can?
I'm stopping drinking again -it's not now, as you can probably tell . I want to make some sense of life. I want to just be myself and see what happens. If I can do it.....etc
So anyway, the idea about death is making me think. I remember ealier on in my life reading something that made a lot of sense to me. "Please don't use the toilet while the train is standing at the station." It still resonates with me until this day.
Pointless post, but I'm not deleting it. Hopefully I can join you and help you tomorrow.
Best wishes and love.

ScottFromWI

Drinking does really mess with our thinking. Hope you can find the strength to put down the bottle Ptarmigan.

ptarmigan

Is my thinking wrong?

comtnman740

Yes for me drinking was a way to cope with "LIFE". I drowned out my feelings because i didn't know how to live life on lifes terms. I can relate to you when you say that there were days that i didn't know if i'd wake up. There is a SOLUTION and a way out of the insanity though. It's so WORTH it!

thomas11

I don't think its wrong when one is actively drinking. I have some very dark corners in my brain, but since I quit drinking, I dont visit those dark corners anymore because they are in the past. I think you can get to that point as well. And I agree that a lifetime of alcoholism stunts one's cognitive growth. You have the ability to change all of it and I wish you the best.

ptarmigan

Thankyou Comtnman.
I'm aware of the way out. I know the way out of the maze. But, I just don't seem to want to take it. There's no sense here, I'm aware of it. I suppose I've just come on here to waste time because I know that I have to stop drinking yet I refuse to do it. I come on here and go on and on and on about it.
I know the answer, yet I don't do it.
But now that I'm so old, it doesn't seem to matter.

ScottFromWI

It's difficult to think logically when drunk, so it's not "wrong" - but it's not healthy either.

lessgravity

I'm no young man, 41 in May, but I know there is much life ahead.

Hope you can find the strength and the passion for the rest of life to put the bottle down Ptarmigan.

ptarmigan

Thank you thomas. You're a diamond.
I know that my congnitive growth is in the minus region.

ptarmigan

Now this might sound stupid, but I always wonder who's ruling us. What I mean is that when I say, "I'm stopping drinking tomorrow," it doesn't matter if there's something deeper in our mind that decides what you're going to do.
Yes, of course we're in control we think. I get the sense that there's something deeper that controls me.
Anyway, my intention is to join you guys tomorrow. I wonder what the beast beneath the waters will think.

FreeOwl

56 and drunk is pretty old.... probably very deathlike....

I have it on good authority from the direct experience of many friends that 56 and sober is young and quite joyful.

FreeOwl

Oh and by the way.... I’ve never been successful doing anything tomorrow.

On the other hand, I have over four years of grateful success at being sober TODAY.

comtnman740

Hi Ptarmigan,
Do you have a Big Book? Try reading some of stories in the back of the book. Maybe they'll give you inspiration.
Garrison

Dee74

You and I both know this way of living is untenable.
Tomorrow sounds like a good day for change.

Hope to see you tomorrow ptarmigan

D

VikingGF

Before I quit for the last time, I was becoming sure I would soon die. I was 48, and felt so much older. Oh, and I'm single and have no children, and I echoed your thought- was I really even worth the effort of stopping?

Fortunately, the folks on this site found me worth saving, and made gallant efforts to put my head right, push me in the right direction, answer my questions, sooth my anxiety and banish my desire to drink.

Gradually, as I got some sober time under my belt, my thoughts changed, and so will yours. It's not who is around you or what you mean to others, it is who you are and what you bring to others that is your value.

Tomorrow is a fine day to come and join us. I will be here, waiting for you.

Finalround

Avg life expectancy of men is 80.4 years. That gives you another 24 years of quality life. You have only lived 2/3rds your life expectancy. You are not old. But that goes down drastically when you are abusing alcohol. I am 48. Quit drinking and feel 30 now. Get some help and live.

Rar

Chaffinch - I sometimes let my thoughts stray to my advancing age. With that advancing age, a few age related health problems are surfacing. (arthritis, COPD from smoking, pre-diabetes, general aches and pains). I felt drinking let me forget about those issues for awhile. Then I realized it only compounded those health issues and made me feel older than I was. I play golf, pickleball, swim, bike ride (lots of stuff). Last year when my drinking escalated, I sat on my porch and drank, not participating in anything. I am working on getting out of the gloom and doom mindset and am going to try to live the rest of my life in as active a way as I can. I have some work to do in gaining back some muscle tone from last year's surgery and have to find a way to remain active despite 2 more upcoming surgeries. Being sober is the beginning of a wonderful rest of your life. Oh - I will be 69 this year.

TheToddman

Ptarmigan,

What this guy said.

I'm 51 and people have told me that I actually look younger than I did 5 years ago; I'm also in the best physical shape I've been in almost two decades (been sober 6 months). Neither would be possible if I didn't put the bottle down.

There *is* such a thing as neuroplasticity but it most likely *won't* occur when you're actively drinking, man. Being a part of SR and having a definitive, actionable plan is a start. Read some of the stories here an you'll understand that it's totally viable and attainable.

Thanks for intro, welcome and come back and hang with us

TheT.

VikingGF

How are you doing, ptarmigan?

CaliButterfly

I have a magnet on my fridge that says "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" I love it. Just shy of 52, my mind in sobriety is about 30. My body tends to argue with that, but that's another story. This isn't my first rodeo with sobriety, and I will make it long past the year that I attained before. Until I die, actually. A body's death is not a bad thing, but don't you want to go out as the best person you want to be? It's so easy to succumb to dark thoughts when drinking or drunk, wanting to quit, but not at the same time. Tomorrow, tomorrow, but that day never comes until you commit to today. You CAN do this, and once you do, death won't seem so imminent. Life will be enjoyable again. We're here, keep posting, and don't give up.