Day 15 - an undivided self
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Day 15 - an undivided self
It's been a little over two weeks since my last horror show. Just over 330 hours since I was finishing a pint of crap vodka at 10 in the morning, calling in sick to work, making sure I had time to chug a bottle of wine before my wife came home. My hands were shaking so badly the next day when we went for lunch I could barely get the soup in a spoon to my mouth.
I was speaking with my shrink last night about all the positives that come when I'm not getting wasted. There are so many of course - sleep, focus, calmness, confidence, time to read and have sex etc.
And most of it I think is derived from not being at war with myself. As Jordan Peterson puts is "treating myself like someone I'm responsible for helping", who deserves to be helped. The lies that I tell everyone from my wife to my work to my kid when I'm drinking - they most deeply damage my sense of self - my integrity (what's left of it), my sense of responsibility and my ability to TRUST myself.
When I'm not drinking I find that I'm simply more whole, more myself. Not panicked about being found out.
Incredibly imperfect still, of course. But myself. Not who the beast wants me to be.
Long rambling thoughts. And now there's work to be done at the office.
Happy sober hump day to everyone.
No one is coming to save us.
I was speaking with my shrink last night about all the positives that come when I'm not getting wasted. There are so many of course - sleep, focus, calmness, confidence, time to read and have sex etc.
And most of it I think is derived from not being at war with myself. As Jordan Peterson puts is "treating myself like someone I'm responsible for helping", who deserves to be helped. The lies that I tell everyone from my wife to my work to my kid when I'm drinking - they most deeply damage my sense of self - my integrity (what's left of it), my sense of responsibility and my ability to TRUST myself.
When I'm not drinking I find that I'm simply more whole, more myself. Not panicked about being found out.
Incredibly imperfect still, of course. But myself. Not who the beast wants me to be.
Long rambling thoughts. And now there's work to be done at the office.
Happy sober hump day to everyone.
No one is coming to save us.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
Congrats on your decision.
Integrity , I don't think, is a quality that we have a store of and use up or lose. It is a store that we build each day , the AV will weaken your resolve by telling you you have used it up or destroyed it and that it can't be replenished, that 's not true , you can 'get' as much of it as want , every day and the 'pile' gets bigger every second past Now, keep building the pile .
Integrity , I don't think, is a quality that we have a store of and use up or lose. It is a store that we build each day , the AV will weaken your resolve by telling you you have used it up or destroyed it and that it can't be replenished, that 's not true , you can 'get' as much of it as want , every day and the 'pile' gets bigger every second past Now, keep building the pile .
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Stay the course lessgravity! When you feel cravings just play that tape forward and remind yourself of where you could be. My last drunk i was literally drinking captain morgan straight mind you out of a 1.75L bottle. Not pretty.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by lessgravity 
"treating myself like someone I'm responsible for helping", who deserves to be helped.
Seems like your head is in a good place for 15 days. Keep it going!
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