2 years of no contact and counting
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
2 years of no contact and counting
Well, 2 years of no contact came and went - 1 month and 1 day ago (I wonder how long before I forget the actual day of this 'anniversary'?!)
This last year has been a lot of reflection of my choices through my adult life - trying to make better ones, and seeing where I am still making poor ones - although I am not beating myself up SO much for the poorer ones anymore. I go through stages of great health - eating right, exercising and sleeping enough, spending quality time with friends and family, and immersing myself in my hobbies....and then I cycle through complete laziness, some isolating, tv binge-ing, no exercise, and just overindulgence in shopping, unhealthy food and drinks with the drinking friends. I need to figure this out - monthly hormonal imbalance? Winter blues? Lack of sun? Underlying depression? I dunno, but I see it and never really did before so that's a plus.
The pain of living with an alcoholic is gone, although the lingering side effects of hyper-awareness of people drinking around me, and some fear of starting a relationship and not trusting my gut or ability to leave when I need to is still present. I see xabf out and about here and there, and we just both look the other way. Thats progress - it used to send me for a spin not long after I left - self blame, generally feeling anxious and bad, and sadness. Now I shrug and hope the best for both of us. It's a weird, semi uncomfortable, semi distant memory that I was SO enmeshed with him.
The year I left him was very difficult. My dad was dying, and I had enough recovery that I decided I couldn't deal with that and xabf's stuff at the same time. 10 days after going no contact with xabf, my dad died. 3 months later, my brother almost killed himself in a drunk driving wreck, and 2 days after that I had to put my 17 year old cat to sleep. Just a lot of loss at once, and grief came in waves for a long time. It still does at times. There were times that I could not tell what I was grieving, I just knew that I was....and I let myself....and then I picked myself up by the bootstraps and made the absolute most of the rest of the fall later that year.
There are so many silver linings to grief. It removes fear like nothing I've ever experienced. I always considered myself a bold, adventurous person, but looking back, I can't help but think that my underlying level of fear through life caused me to ACT adventurous maybe to try and hide it, but it was there, and clear to me (now) in the choices I made. I finally actually FEEL semi fearless. Grief forced my siblings and I to get closer....it also allowed me to let go of friends that weren't good for me. Grief, to some extent, made me face my own $h!t.
So - 2 years out, I have a general overall feeling that no matter what happens, I'm going to be OK! I have the best friends and family, I am grateful, and I reach out to help people and to ask for help - within reason. My priorities are straight - even if I am not always working on them. I make a point of seeing the beauty in EVERYTHING, and I take moments to pause and honor it. Nothing is so important that I can't stop to feel the sun on my face for a moment, pause and run outside to smell the rain or get some snowflakes on my eyelashes, or my favorite...to take a minute to enjoy a funny face interaction or wave with a toddler at the grocery store.
I am happy, and have a real appreciation of life - the good and the bad in it. I connect with people more openly and honestly, and I judge less - most importantly myself on that last note. I'm 40 years old and I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I am ready for it, and I intend on moving through it with some inner peace, and by laughing A LOT!!
This last year has been a lot of reflection of my choices through my adult life - trying to make better ones, and seeing where I am still making poor ones - although I am not beating myself up SO much for the poorer ones anymore. I go through stages of great health - eating right, exercising and sleeping enough, spending quality time with friends and family, and immersing myself in my hobbies....and then I cycle through complete laziness, some isolating, tv binge-ing, no exercise, and just overindulgence in shopping, unhealthy food and drinks with the drinking friends. I need to figure this out - monthly hormonal imbalance? Winter blues? Lack of sun? Underlying depression? I dunno, but I see it and never really did before so that's a plus.
The pain of living with an alcoholic is gone, although the lingering side effects of hyper-awareness of people drinking around me, and some fear of starting a relationship and not trusting my gut or ability to leave when I need to is still present. I see xabf out and about here and there, and we just both look the other way. Thats progress - it used to send me for a spin not long after I left - self blame, generally feeling anxious and bad, and sadness. Now I shrug and hope the best for both of us. It's a weird, semi uncomfortable, semi distant memory that I was SO enmeshed with him.
The year I left him was very difficult. My dad was dying, and I had enough recovery that I decided I couldn't deal with that and xabf's stuff at the same time. 10 days after going no contact with xabf, my dad died. 3 months later, my brother almost killed himself in a drunk driving wreck, and 2 days after that I had to put my 17 year old cat to sleep. Just a lot of loss at once, and grief came in waves for a long time. It still does at times. There were times that I could not tell what I was grieving, I just knew that I was....and I let myself....and then I picked myself up by the bootstraps and made the absolute most of the rest of the fall later that year.
There are so many silver linings to grief. It removes fear like nothing I've ever experienced. I always considered myself a bold, adventurous person, but looking back, I can't help but think that my underlying level of fear through life caused me to ACT adventurous maybe to try and hide it, but it was there, and clear to me (now) in the choices I made. I finally actually FEEL semi fearless. Grief forced my siblings and I to get closer....it also allowed me to let go of friends that weren't good for me. Grief, to some extent, made me face my own $h!t.
So - 2 years out, I have a general overall feeling that no matter what happens, I'm going to be OK! I have the best friends and family, I am grateful, and I reach out to help people and to ask for help - within reason. My priorities are straight - even if I am not always working on them. I make a point of seeing the beauty in EVERYTHING, and I take moments to pause and honor it. Nothing is so important that I can't stop to feel the sun on my face for a moment, pause and run outside to smell the rain or get some snowflakes on my eyelashes, or my favorite...to take a minute to enjoy a funny face interaction or wave with a toddler at the grocery store.
I am happy, and have a real appreciation of life - the good and the bad in it. I connect with people more openly and honestly, and I judge less - most importantly myself on that last note. I'm 40 years old and I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I am ready for it, and I intend on moving through it with some inner peace, and by laughing A LOT!!
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I love LOVE this post. I too go in cycles where I am the cleanest eater, best sleeper, hitting the gym everyday, then to going out to eat and drinks with friends constantly, no gym time, spending money, and lazyinig on the couch with Netflix. I think balance is so important but also to adjust your lifestyle so that you don't have to toggle between extremes. So maybe instead of being the first part 100% of the time, you work to be that 80% of the time until it feels like that lifestyle is the only one you know. Make smaller adjustments, dedicate certain times and days to the indulgences. I need to do the same because like you, I tend to go to either pole for a set time (one more than the other). And yes, could be the winter blues or still just recovering from the trauma of the alcoholic relationship or losing your loved one. Or....the second lifestyle described just simply feels a lot better fun in the short term 
Path of least resistance.
And I agree about grief having silver linings. I can't really see them right now as I am fresh in my grief process with my qualifier, but I can see that down the road grief will teach me to let go of what no longer nourishes me. To face some things that were too painful for me to face which is why I prolonged this period of grief by staying. I hope you continued success with the attitude you have today in the face of what you have lost in the past. You have been through a lot of pain. Two years at first seems like a long time, but to have experience the loss of significant relationships, it's okay not to feel amazing 100% of time and make perfect choices all of the time. It's okay to sit and acknowledge when choices are not healthy for you, and then to make better ones next time. Way to go on your progress in recovery. It sounds like you've made peace with what is and are moving forward ODAAT!
Path of least resistance.And I agree about grief having silver linings. I can't really see them right now as I am fresh in my grief process with my qualifier, but I can see that down the road grief will teach me to let go of what no longer nourishes me. To face some things that were too painful for me to face which is why I prolonged this period of grief by staying. I hope you continued success with the attitude you have today in the face of what you have lost in the past. You have been through a lot of pain. Two years at first seems like a long time, but to have experience the loss of significant relationships, it's okay not to feel amazing 100% of time and make perfect choices all of the time. It's okay to sit and acknowledge when choices are not healthy for you, and then to make better ones next time. Way to go on your progress in recovery. It sounds like you've made peace with what is and are moving forward ODAAT!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Wow fire, what a phenomenal update! This, in particular, is profound to me:
So simple, but so true.
I cannot believe it's been 2 years already for you, but it makes sense when I remember all those events that came tumbling together like that.... I know it was anything BUT easy. Yours is the type of story I think of when newbies ask about Success Stories here on the board - you are truly an inspiration!
There are so many silver linings to grief. It removes fear like nothing I've ever experienced.
I cannot believe it's been 2 years already for you, but it makes sense when I remember all those events that came tumbling together like that.... I know it was anything BUT easy. Yours is the type of story I think of when newbies ask about Success Stories here on the board - you are truly an inspiration!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Thanks guys! I still go back and forth between "Why did it take me so long to sit down and have a look at myself" and "THANK GOD I learned some of this stuff in my 40's rather than in my 70's, 80s or God forbid...never!!" lol.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
firebolt, you are one of my SR heroes, no doubt about it. Thanks for this thread, and thanks for all your posts, support and insights over the years.
Long may you ride, fish and rejoice in the life you're making for yourself--best wishes, you motorcycle mama, you!
Long may you ride, fish and rejoice in the life you're making for yourself--best wishes, you motorcycle mama, you!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
I've had a few "bad years" in my life. 2015 was another one.
I had two surgeries, my mom died from a short, terminal illness, my adult son moved out of state, both my dogs died within three months of each other and I got separated.
Lordy. When I read it in succession like that, it makes me think, "How did I ever get through all that without having a breakdown?"
I prayed A LOT and had a really great counselor. When stuff started rolling, my surgeries and my mom being sick/passing away, I called my counselor. She gave me sage advice. "You're going to go through it one thing at a time."
I love the scripture, "Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own." Matthew 6:34
Basically, don't borrow trouble.
It's amazing how much we can deal with as human beings. ♥
I had two surgeries, my mom died from a short, terminal illness, my adult son moved out of state, both my dogs died within three months of each other and I got separated.
Lordy. When I read it in succession like that, it makes me think, "How did I ever get through all that without having a breakdown?"
I prayed A LOT and had a really great counselor. When stuff started rolling, my surgeries and my mom being sick/passing away, I called my counselor. She gave me sage advice. "You're going to go through it one thing at a time."
I love the scripture, "Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own." Matthew 6:34
Basically, don't borrow trouble.
It's amazing how much we can deal with as human beings. ♥
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