Is there a softer/ easier way
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Is there a softer/ easier way
To confront a friend who is an addict?
This friend of mine I no longer hang out with due to the choices he is making. Mostly the drinking and cocaine.
I can't risk my sobriety being around someone like that.
That doesn't mean that I do not care about him and his well being.
*I get some will say, focus on my own sobriety, blaa blaa, ok. I am GREAT in my sobriety, so I do not need to focus always on myself when I am such a caring person who is willing to help others achieve sobriety!
* This friend has been to rehab, will admit he is an alcoholic... Now, I feel like sometimes he is trying to reach out to me for help, without directly asking for it.
* I am scared for him, that he will be the first of our friends to die of a heart attack at 32 years old. He is overweight and currently has been drinking and doing coke since Friday night, well it is Tuesday morning. No sleep, I will add. Again, I am scared for him.
Is there a softer way to approach this with him? A way where a person won't be defensive?
I get it, he has to want it, but I also stated I feel like sometimes he has been reaching out with little words....
I also dont want to intrude and get his parents involved, but on the other hand I do, even if I lose the friendship, if it meant saving his life, I am to the point where I would do anything.
Now, I know whenever someone suggested I was drinking too much, I would hit it harder just to show them, HA, the joke was on me, but I am glad to be here on the other side of the fence, sobriety!
He was doing so well, had over a year of sobriety and then something happened, I think he stopped going to meetings, we all know how that goes... Back at it, and has been hitting it just as hard as before...
Any advice ( While I can not choose what people say, I will add if you are going to take this personal and get all upset, there are plenty of other threads to be apart of, as this is not an argument)
Thank you in advance!
DC
This friend of mine I no longer hang out with due to the choices he is making. Mostly the drinking and cocaine.
I can't risk my sobriety being around someone like that.
That doesn't mean that I do not care about him and his well being.
*I get some will say, focus on my own sobriety, blaa blaa, ok. I am GREAT in my sobriety, so I do not need to focus always on myself when I am such a caring person who is willing to help others achieve sobriety!
* This friend has been to rehab, will admit he is an alcoholic... Now, I feel like sometimes he is trying to reach out to me for help, without directly asking for it.
* I am scared for him, that he will be the first of our friends to die of a heart attack at 32 years old. He is overweight and currently has been drinking and doing coke since Friday night, well it is Tuesday morning. No sleep, I will add. Again, I am scared for him.
Is there a softer way to approach this with him? A way where a person won't be defensive?
I get it, he has to want it, but I also stated I feel like sometimes he has been reaching out with little words....
I also dont want to intrude and get his parents involved, but on the other hand I do, even if I lose the friendship, if it meant saving his life, I am to the point where I would do anything.
Now, I know whenever someone suggested I was drinking too much, I would hit it harder just to show them, HA, the joke was on me, but I am glad to be here on the other side of the fence, sobriety!
He was doing so well, had over a year of sobriety and then something happened, I think he stopped going to meetings, we all know how that goes... Back at it, and has been hitting it just as hard as before...
Any advice ( While I can not choose what people say, I will add if you are going to take this personal and get all upset, there are plenty of other threads to be apart of, as this is not an argument)
Thank you in advance!
DC
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17 
<snip>
Any advice ( While I can not choose what people say, I will add if you are going to take this personal and get all upset, there are plenty of other threads to be apart of, as this is not an argument)
Thank you in advance!
DC
Any advice ( While I can not choose what people say, I will add if you are going to take this personal and get all upset, there are plenty of other threads to be apart of, as this is not an argument)
Thank you in advance!
DC
I've had this experience too, and it is sad and scary and frustrating and confusing. I've broken long-term friendships over this because the fallout from being friends with a using addict is just too painful. In my case I told them flat out I couldn't be around them when they were like this because it was too difficult for me.
As long as you understand that only he can fix this...
Have you looked around in the Friends & Family side of this site? Lots of great sticky posts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I think it is good for your to remember how you reacted when faced with people who were concerned about your addiction.
Talk to his parents. Talk to anyone who will listen. Have an intervention. Whatever you think is the healthier way to go about this. Drug abuse and alcohol addiction does not need to be kept a secret. Isnt that its horrible nature? To keep it under the rug in hopes that someone will not find out.
Just know, like you when you were heavily involved in addiction, that he will need to come to his own conclusions and take the first step in to sobriety.
Talk to his parents. Talk to anyone who will listen. Have an intervention. Whatever you think is the healthier way to go about this. Drug abuse and alcohol addiction does not need to be kept a secret. Isnt that its horrible nature? To keep it under the rug in hopes that someone will not find out.
Just know, like you when you were heavily involved in addiction, that he will need to come to his own conclusions and take the first step in to sobriety.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
That is good that he is asking for help, but Mizz really hit the nail on the head.
There is nothing you can do that can make him want to get better, any more than you could make him want to eat cheerios instead of raisin bran for desert. If he wants raisin bran, that's what he's going to eat no matter how carefully you suggest cheerios, or what approach you take suggesting that he eat cheerios ;-)
There is nothing you can do that can make him want to get better, any more than you could make him want to eat cheerios instead of raisin bran for desert. If he wants raisin bran, that's what he's going to eat no matter how carefully you suggest cheerios, or what approach you take suggesting that he eat cheerios ;-)
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
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Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
Is there a softer way to approach this with him? A way where a person won't be defensive?
In your situation I would set a boundary - if you are going to be drinking and drugging I will not be around you. He can continue to behave any way he wants to behave, but I don't want to see it.
Then I would make an offer - whenever you are ready to get better, please reach out and I will help you any way I can.
Best of Luck on Your Journey! (His, too!)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Thanks for the replies!
All went great, looking at rehab, he is going to go to meetings with me, and he knows he has a problem.
Nothing like how I was when I was approached many times about my drinking. So, I was nervous, he would have reacted like me however it was the opposite. I think he is ready
All went great, looking at rehab, he is going to go to meetings with me, and he knows he has a problem.
Nothing like how I was when I was approached many times about my drinking. So, I was nervous, he would have reacted like me however it was the opposite. I think he is ready
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by biminiblue
So...what are you looking for here? I rarely see anyone get upset on this site.
I've had this experience too, and it is sad and scary and frustrating and confusing. I've broken long-term friendships over this because the fallout from being friends with a using addict is just too painful. In my case I told them flat out I couldn't be around them when they were like this because it was too difficult for me.
As long as you understand that only he can fix this...
Have you looked around in the Friends & Family side of this site? Lots of great sticky posts.
I've had this experience too, and it is sad and scary and frustrating and confusing. I've broken long-term friendships over this because the fallout from being friends with a using addict is just too painful. In my case I told them flat out I couldn't be around them when they were like this because it was too difficult for me.
As long as you understand that only he can fix this...
Have you looked around in the Friends & Family side of this site? Lots of great sticky posts.
Oh I have, I will never post on F&F again that is why I posted it here.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 230
I wouldn't be soft or easy on him. I know when I was in my addiction I needed to hear the harsh truth. Speak exactly what is on your mind. He won't like but I guarantee you a year from now when he is hopefully clean he will thank you.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Originally Posted by Trohyn
Introduce him to SR. He can join us at his own pace if he wants to.
I'm glad he contacted you DC
D
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