New here and don't know where to turn....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
New here and don't know where to turn....
Hello all I have been hanging about this site for sometime now, reading and taking it all in. I live with my AB and 3 children. I have got to the point that I've had enough of the drinking, drama, ******** that comes with everyday life. I'm tired and fed up. This weekend was the last straw for me. After getting drunk promising not to do it again only to find him hiding in the toilet Sunday drinking vodka. He's a volitle drunk most of the time and causes so much destruction when drinking, and awful with his words. He claims he's not got a problem because he doesn't drink everyday! I want out so bad but don't feel I can ask him to leave.... I can't help but think there's something wrong with me. I just wanted to get this off my chest to people that understand...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
I will add I have tried Alanon but I'm not really down with the whole " he's sick, he needs help, get off his case, be kind to him". I don't want to be nice to him in my eyes he should have grown up and took responsibility for himself.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Breeze, and Welcome!
Since you have been reading here for a while, you know you have come to a place where people understand exactly what you are going through. You will find plenty of support here!
The unfortunate news is, he is not going to stop drinking unless and until he decides that is what he needs to do. My experience has been that I can't talk, cajole, harass, beg, or plead someone into sobriety. Can you continue to live with the status quo, or do you want something else for yourself and your children?
I hope that time will bring you the clarity you seek. I know that limbo feeling, and it's not pleasant!
Since you have been reading here for a while, you know you have come to a place where people understand exactly what you are going through. You will find plenty of support here!
The unfortunate news is, he is not going to stop drinking unless and until he decides that is what he needs to do. My experience has been that I can't talk, cajole, harass, beg, or plead someone into sobriety. Can you continue to live with the status quo, or do you want something else for yourself and your children?
I hope that time will bring you the clarity you seek. I know that limbo feeling, and it's not pleasant!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Breeze52......is it his place or your place?
I am giving you a link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....there are a lot of them. Enough for you to read one every day.....
This library is also within the "stickies" at the top of the threads.
You say you have been here and reading a lot....I hope that you have read all of them...lol....
I hope that you will take you time to read through them....there is sooo much to know.
Knowledge is power.....
I am concerned for your three children...as this kind of atmosphere is very damaging to them.....(you probably realize that....Yes?....)
Here is that link__________
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I am giving you a link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....there are a lot of them. Enough for you to read one every day.....
This library is also within the "stickies" at the top of the threads.
You say you have been here and reading a lot....I hope that you have read all of them...lol....
I hope that you will take you time to read through them....there is sooo much to know.
Knowledge is power.....
I am concerned for your three children...as this kind of atmosphere is very damaging to them.....(you probably realize that....Yes?....)
Here is that link__________
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Breeze.
Welcome to SR.
Full disclosure: I am an Al-Anon fan.
Not sure what is going on in the meeting you attended, but I would find another meeting.
i have met people who have stayed in a relationship for their own reasons as well as people who decided to leave the addict.
But never have I heard anyone say that “ he is sick, be kind to him.”
The resentment is real. The anger is real.
Al-Anon, hopefully, provides the tools so that we can think clearly about our situations and deal with the toxic emotions that invariably accompany an alcohol-dominated household.
Good luck.
Welcome to SR.
Full disclosure: I am an Al-Anon fan.
Not sure what is going on in the meeting you attended, but I would find another meeting.
i have met people who have stayed in a relationship for their own reasons as well as people who decided to leave the addict.
But never have I heard anyone say that “ he is sick, be kind to him.”
The resentment is real. The anger is real.
Al-Anon, hopefully, provides the tools so that we can think clearly about our situations and deal with the toxic emotions that invariably accompany an alcohol-dominated household.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Seren 
Hello Breeze, and Welcome!
Since you have been reading here for a while, you know you have come to a place where people understand exactly what you are going through. You will find plenty of support here!
The unfortunate news is, he is not going to stop drinking unless and until he decides that is what he needs to do. My experience has been that I can't talk, cajole, harass, beg, or plead someone into sobriety. Can you continue to live with the status quo, or do you want something else for yourself and your children?
I hope that time will bring you the clarity you seek. I know that limbo feeling, and it's not pleasant!
Since you have been reading here for a while, you know you have come to a place where people understand exactly what you are going through. You will find plenty of support here!
The unfortunate news is, he is not going to stop drinking unless and until he decides that is what he needs to do. My experience has been that I can't talk, cajole, harass, beg, or plead someone into sobriety. Can you continue to live with the status quo, or do you want something else for yourself and your children?
I hope that time will bring you the clarity you seek. I know that limbo feeling, and it's not pleasant!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
I have read the stickies probably twice over... Lol. Its my place but I don't seem to be able to find the strength to cope with the full on childish drama and smashing things up, the insults and spiteful behaviour that will come with asking him to leave, I feel stuck with him. I'm aware of what it does to my children hence I would like him gone, even sober he's hard work. I feel so weak and useless. Maybe I should try Alanon again, I just could bare the thought of having compassion and being kind to someone who brings this all on himself, I really have become so bitter!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Hi, Breeze.
Welcome to SR.
Full disclosure: I am an Al-Anon fan.
Not sure what is going on in the meeting you attended, but I would find another meeting.
i have met people who have stayed in a relationship for their own reasons as well as people who decided to leave the addict.
But never have I heard anyone say that “ he is sick, be kind to him.”
The resentment is real. The anger is real.
Al-Anon, hopefully, provides the tools so that we can think clearly about our situations and deal with the toxic emotions that invariably accompany an alcohol-dominated household.
Good luck.
Welcome to SR.
Full disclosure: I am an Al-Anon fan.
Not sure what is going on in the meeting you attended, but I would find another meeting.
i have met people who have stayed in a relationship for their own reasons as well as people who decided to leave the addict.
But never have I heard anyone say that “ he is sick, be kind to him.”
The resentment is real. The anger is real.
Al-Anon, hopefully, provides the tools so that we can think clearly about our situations and deal with the toxic emotions that invariably accompany an alcohol-dominated household.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I'm sorry you have to be in that position. From reading the boards you can see we are all in, or have been in, similar situations. I'm only a few weeks into this whole process, so I have no advice to give you. But I do want to let you know you're not alone in how you feel about not wanting to be nice to him and feeling that he needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself. I feel the same about my AH, except you put it more nicely that what I'm thinking. HUGS to you wherever you are.
Originally Posted by Breeze52
I will add I have tried Alanon but I'm not really down with the whole " he's sick, he needs help, get off his case, be kind to him". I don't want to be nice to him in my eyes he should have grown up and took responsibility for himself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Wamama48
I'm sorry you have to be in that position. From reading the boards you can see we are all in, or have been in, similar situations. I'm only a few weeks into this whole process, so I have no advice to give you. But I do want to let you know you're not alone in how you feel about not wanting to be nice to him and feeling that he needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself. I feel the same about my AH, except you put it more nicely that what I'm thinking. HUGS to you wherever you are.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Breeze, I'm not a fan of the childish, and possibly dangerous, scenes either. And, if where you live is anything like where I live, you may actually have to give him 30 days written notice to leave, too.
My late husband and I had to give his addict stepson a written notice to leave and file it with the local magistrate. That way, if he made a world class scene on the day, we could have police come and maintain order (aka. protect us) while he moved his things out--every last bit.
The end was much less dramatic, but still a bit of a scene anyway. I get it. And you are right, it isn't pleasant, but it *is* possible. It is very possible to breathe the free air again in your own home.
I wish I had better news, but really the only person you can control to change this situation is you. Prayers for peace and clarity!
My late husband and I had to give his addict stepson a written notice to leave and file it with the local magistrate. That way, if he made a world class scene on the day, we could have police come and maintain order (aka. protect us) while he moved his things out--every last bit.
The end was much less dramatic, but still a bit of a scene anyway. I get it. And you are right, it isn't pleasant, but it *is* possible. It is very possible to breathe the free air again in your own home.
I wish I had better news, but really the only person you can control to change this situation is you. Prayers for peace and clarity!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Breeze, I'm going to second Maudcat--Alanon isn't about the alcoholic, it's about YOU. I also have never heard "be nice to the A."
It sounds to me a bit like you want things to be different but you don't want to change anything. Unfortunately, the only thing you CAN change is yourself--your actions, your thoughts. And also unfortunately, just like the alcoholic, we have to get to our own "rock bottom" where we are sufficiently motivated to make that change...
I would try Alanon again, a different meeting. Let him sulk--what does it matter? And continue reading and posting here, of course.
There IS an answer to your problems, definitely. But perhaps consider this, too--a quote from a wise SR member: You may not have a problem at all, just a solution you don’t like.
It sounds to me a bit like you want things to be different but you don't want to change anything. Unfortunately, the only thing you CAN change is yourself--your actions, your thoughts. And also unfortunately, just like the alcoholic, we have to get to our own "rock bottom" where we are sufficiently motivated to make that change...
I would try Alanon again, a different meeting. Let him sulk--what does it matter? And continue reading and posting here, of course.
There IS an answer to your problems, definitely. But perhaps consider this, too--a quote from a wise SR member: You may not have a problem at all, just a solution you don’t like.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Breeeze......what you are describing with the scenes and smashing up things is abusive behavior. And it has you scared of his aggressive behavior. And...he does it in front of children...which is a factor in child abuse. From what you share...you are being held as a psychological "prisoner" by this beh avior.
You may not have thought of this as abuse, before...but, it is.
Based on this...I think your best source of help is through your local do mest ic abuse organization.
Remember that you don't have to be hit to be abused...there are many types of abuse...even if they don't involve bruised....because the scars are on the inside.
the DV people d eal w ith these kinds of situations every day. They have reso urces a nd ways to help you that you may not have ever known of.
They can help you to plan things...to be safe...to give you a safe o lace to go...as well as legal counseling and therapy support groups, etc....
They can assist you in getting a temporary or permanent protection order, if you decide to go that route....(you might have to)....
These people are very understanding and non-judgemental. Everything is held in confidence...and, you are not obligated to do anything that you don't want to.
You can just call them and explain the situation...and, they will guide you from there....
Domestic Violence Hotline........1-800-799-7233
***You may be better off, at this p oint, going to dv counselors, rather than alanon.....because some of the detachment techniques and boundary setting can sometimes make the situation worse with a volatile or aggressive person....
(you can always go to alanon in the long run, if you choose)....
Is there any reason that you would n ot accept such help?
You do have options...and, you are not alone. You just have to reach out your hand....
You may not have thought of this as abuse, before...but, it is.
Based on this...I think your best source of help is through your local do mest ic abuse organization.
Remember that you don't have to be hit to be abused...there are many types of abuse...even if they don't involve bruised....because the scars are on the inside.
the DV people d eal w ith these kinds of situations every day. They have reso urces a nd ways to help you that you may not have ever known of.
They can help you to plan things...to be safe...to give you a safe o lace to go...as well as legal counseling and therapy support groups, etc....
They can assist you in getting a temporary or permanent protection order, if you decide to go that route....(you might have to)....
These people are very understanding and non-judgemental. Everything is held in confidence...and, you are not obligated to do anything that you don't want to.
You can just call them and explain the situation...and, they will guide you from there....
Domestic Violence Hotline........1-800-799-7233
***You may be better off, at this p oint, going to dv counselors, rather than alanon.....because some of the detachment techniques and boundary setting can sometimes make the situation worse with a volatile or aggressive person....
(you can always go to alanon in the long run, if you choose)....
Is there any reason that you would n ot accept such help?
You do have options...and, you are not alone. You just have to reach out your hand....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
that has to be awful and terrifying for your children. perhaps view this as doing what is right and best FOR THEM. they don't deserve all the chaos and destruction, but they also don't have a choice. YOU DO!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Breeze ...im so sorry for what you are going through. Please know that many of us have been here before or are here now so you are not alone. I remember letting my xAbf stay with me after he was kicked out of yet another sober house, and when he would drink it was a nightmare to live through, never knowing what was going to happen next. Will I have a body on my hands here? Will he again destroy the couch with **** and vomit? Will he get into the cleaning solutions...what if I forgot to hide a liquid and he gets into it?. I was so terrified and felt like such a hostage in my home. Actually, come to think of it this happened many times where he wasn't even living with me but DID have somewhere to go like a sober house - he just didn't want to go there because they wouldn't stand for his drinking. I did because I felt too weak to handle it on my own so he instead abused my home and what was supposed to be my safe space. I'll never forget one day I couldn't take it anymore. The entire apartment smelled of vomit, the couch was drenched, the cushions all stripped with me trying to wash everything. I was a mess and felt completely trapped in hell. I hit my breaking point and asked him to get up and leave. He wouldn't so I called my sponsor and she said "call the police". It was such a scary thing for me to have to do, but him being in my home was even scarier. The police came and he left without a fight.
Even if you don't feel strong enough now, get him out for the sake of the kids. Use them as your reason. When I use to let him stay with me it was just me alone so I had the burden always of kicking him out (should I?). If you have kids that burden is lifted because now it's about THEIR safety and well-being. In other words, it's nothing personal. You gotta do what a mom's gotta do even if single you isn't ready to do it yet. Let "mommy" you be ready. Of course much depends on whether you live together and share a lease. But at this point I would say to get started on either leaving and staying with family, or asking him to leave.
Much luck and big hugs to you. You are not alone
Even if you don't feel strong enough now, get him out for the sake of the kids. Use them as your reason. When I use to let him stay with me it was just me alone so I had the burden always of kicking him out (should I?). If you have kids that burden is lifted because now it's about THEIR safety and well-being. In other words, it's nothing personal. You gotta do what a mom's gotta do even if single you isn't ready to do it yet. Let "mommy" you be ready. Of course much depends on whether you live together and share a lease. But at this point I would say to get started on either leaving and staying with family, or asking him to leave.
Much luck and big hugs to you. You are not alone
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'd be calling the police the next time he gets confrontational while drinking.
Then while he's in the drunk tank, I'd call a Domestic Violence helpline and get advice about evicting him.
If you are renting, talk to the landlord and start making plans. If this drunk is on the lease, you may need legal help.
There is a way to get him out when he is abusive. You need some advice from professionals. Call the local police and ask for referral phone numbers for legal aid and domestic violence and landlord/tenant law.
Then while he's in the drunk tank, I'd call a Domestic Violence helpline and get advice about evicting him.
If you are renting, talk to the landlord and start making plans. If this drunk is on the lease, you may need legal help.
There is a way to get him out when he is abusive. You need some advice from professionals. Call the local police and ask for referral phone numbers for legal aid and domestic violence and landlord/tenant law.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
You CAN do this! We are all here to help you and cheer you on. Slow deep breath, start walking, one foot in front of the other. Keep going. Call the DV help line. Its just a phone call, not a contract, you don't have to do what they say. Just listen. Are you walking towards the phone? Hugs!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Just to let you know, the first time I called the police I had the folks at SR following me the entire way. From deciding to make the call, to what to do after they leave, to walking me through my trip to the storage place to take his things that night, to coming home late at night afterward completely depleted. I can honestly say I had support every step of the way. Keep going! You have help and support here. Also, call DV hotline and they can give you more support on how to leave this specific situation. They are trained professionals who know how to handle this. They will stay on the phone with you as you do it.
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