Live in Boyfriend is an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
Live in Boyfriend is an alcoholic.
When we first met he told me his history, so I kind of new what I was getting into. At the time pills were his demon and he had assured me it was in the past. Things were "good" better than any other relationship I have had, he was kind, loving, attentive, very genuine. I knew he made mistakes in his past but I thought they would stay there. I thought finally, I met the right one. So, after 10 months of dating, he moved in with me, to my house. Now, fast forward almost 3 years and this is awful. I like so many others thought I can fix it. I can't. I know this intellectually it's the heart that needs convincing. For the past few years I have witnessed a real Jekyl and Hyde. Arrests, car wrecks, verbal abuse, stealing from me and lots of money being shelled out to "help" him. Now he tells me he doesn't want to stop. He says when he is drunk or high is the only time he feels good. He is miserable being sober. This is a man who has gone to long term rehab, has done jail time for DUI. He is dead against AA. Says there all a bunch of hypocrites.
I know I can't keep living like this but I don't know how to make him leave. He doesn't want us to be over and can't seem to understand that this is no life for me. When asked what about me? I get I don't have an answer for that. Really????!!! Just overwhelmed, frustrated and feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life. A far cry from thinking I met the "right" one.
I know I can't keep living like this but I don't know how to make him leave. He doesn't want us to be over and can't seem to understand that this is no life for me. When asked what about me? I get I don't have an answer for that. Really????!!! Just overwhelmed, frustrated and feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life. A far cry from thinking I met the "right" one.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Welcome to SR Lee. I am both glad you found us and sorry for what brings you here.
I so get this >>>>>>"Now, fast forward almost 3 years and this is awful. I like so many others thought I can fix it. I can't. I know this intellectually it's the heart that needs convincing." I finally had to just get away and gut-it through the pain; it is still one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Would you consider going to Alanon? It isn't for everyone but for some it is a life saver. Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here.
Take care of yourself. This stuff is beyond painful as you undoubtedly know.
I so get this >>>>>>"Now, fast forward almost 3 years and this is awful. I like so many others thought I can fix it. I can't. I know this intellectually it's the heart that needs convincing." I finally had to just get away and gut-it through the pain; it is still one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Would you consider going to Alanon? It isn't for everyone but for some it is a life saver. Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here.
Take care of yourself. This stuff is beyond painful as you undoubtedly know.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 8
“Just overwhelmed, frustrated and feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life. A far cry from thinking I met the "right" one.”
I totally get this. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I used to have a lot of dreams about building a life and family with my AH. Those were my expectations, not his. I was also very frustrated and overwhelmed.
Have you tried Al-Anon? There aren’t many in-person meetings where I am, but there are phone meetings that I can call into. I’ve found them to be very helpful.
I’m thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way!
I totally get this. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I used to have a lot of dreams about building a life and family with my AH. Those were my expectations, not his. I was also very frustrated and overwhelmed.
Have you tried Al-Anon? There aren’t many in-person meetings where I am, but there are phone meetings that I can call into. I’ve found them to be very helpful.
I’m thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Lee114 
I know I can't keep living like this but I don't know how to make him leave. He doesn't want us to be over and can't seem to understand that this is no life for me.
However, he has also made it very clear that he doesn't give a rat's a$$ about you or your feelings. Seriously, he "doesn't have an answer for that" when you ask where you stand in all this?
So can you clarify your statement "I don't know how to make him leave" a little more? For instance, have you already asked him to leave and he refuses? Laws can vary widely, depending on where you are and on the exact scenario. A consult w/a lawyer would let you know exactly what the facts are and what actions need to be taken to get him out.
Do you have concerns about violence from him when you tell him you want him out? If that's the case, here is a link to a thread w/this type of resources up in the "stickies" section of the forum: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)
Or are you just searching for the strength/clarity to say to him "get out of my house, we are done"? So many of us here have been there, wishing and waiting for our A's to give us "permission" to take care of ourselves and move on. In this case, reading and posting here at SR can help, as can Alanon, as suggested in other posts.
I know there are resources, both here and elsewhere, that can help you w/whatever combination of those problems you're facing. You have given this guy several years of your life already; as the saying goes, "you are NOT required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
Hope you keep on reading around the forum and hope you keep on posting.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Lee, glad youre here. ya found an awesome group of people with a wealth of firsthand knowledge,suggestions, and support.
Just overwhelmed, frustrated and feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life.
understandable. theres great news,too:you can stop the mistake from continueing starting today.
Just overwhelmed, frustrated and feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life.
understandable. theres great news,too:you can stop the mistake from continueing starting today.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by DontRemember
I'm not an avid AA'er,but do go from time to time. I'd love to hear his 'reasoning' on how AA members are hypocrites. Sorry you're dealing with this,but you know what you need to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Lulu2018
“Just overwhelmed, frustrated and feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life. A far cry from thinking I met the "right" one.”
I totally get this. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I used to have a lot of dreams about building a life and family with my AH. Those were my expectations, not his. I was also very frustrated and overwhelmed.
Have you tried Al-Anon? There aren’t many in-person meetings where I am, but there are phone meetings that I can call into. I’ve found them to be very helpful.
I’m thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way!
I totally get this. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I used to have a lot of dreams about building a life and family with my AH. Those were my expectations, not his. I was also very frustrated and overwhelmed.
Have you tried Al-Anon? There aren’t many in-person meetings where I am, but there are phone meetings that I can call into. I’ve found them to be very helpful.
I’m thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lee....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects/help for the loved ones. There are lots of them. Sooo much to learn. I hope you will take your time to read through them.
Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
( our library is also called "stickies"...located just above all the threads)
I am going to go out on a limb, here and suggest...based on what you have shared...that he may have a dual diagnosis....many people do. If so...then he will need treatment for the other problems, in addition to AA. They both must be treated....
If he is resistant to therapy/AA...that does not bode well for him.....
I am going to give you one more link...to a special article within our library of stickies.....I hope you will read it....because I think it is a pretty good yardstick....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
( our library is also called "stickies"...located just above all the threads)
I am going to go out on a limb, here and suggest...based on what you have shared...that he may have a dual diagnosis....many people do. If so...then he will need treatment for the other problems, in addition to AA. They both must be treated....
If he is resistant to therapy/AA...that does not bode well for him.....
I am going to give you one more link...to a special article within our library of stickies.....I hope you will read it....because I think it is a pretty good yardstick....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Lee114
I can only presume it's because he hasn't made any real connection with anyone at AA. He says that it is clicky. He had a sponsor who would talk about the others negatively. Obviously not a good choice for a sponsor. He went to various meetings for a while but never felt that connection. I even went with him to a few.
As for getting him out of YOUR house. Check the laws in your area. You may have to have him served with a formal eviction notice. If you fear for your safety,go talk to the police and have a temporary protection order(TPO) granted. Then he'll be forced to go away by the courts and not contact you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Now he tells me he doesn't want to stop. He says when he is drunk or high is the only time he feels good. He is miserable being sober.
I know I can't keep living like this but I don't know how to make him leave.
He doesn't want us to be over and can't seem to understand that this is no life for me. When asked what about me? I get I don't have an answer for that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by atalose
Believe him!
You can’t make him leave as long as you are undecided on either remaining living like this or making a change. If and when you do decide to end this relationship you need to tell him it’s over and that he has 30 days to move out other wise you will have to take legal actions on getting him evicted from your home.
You have taught him that he can verbally abuse you, steal from you have you pay his way so of course he doesn’t want that to be over with.
You can’t make him leave as long as you are undecided on either remaining living like this or making a change. If and when you do decide to end this relationship you need to tell him it’s over and that he has 30 days to move out other wise you will have to take legal actions on getting him evicted from your home.
You have taught him that he can verbally abuse you, steal from you have you pay his way so of course he doesn’t want that to be over with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
[QUOTE=dandylion;6793737]Lee....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects/help for the loved ones. There are lots of them. Sooo much to learn. I hope you will take your time to read through them.
Knowledge is power.
( our library is also called "stickies"...located just above all the threads)
I am going to go out on a limb, here and suggest...based on what you have shared...that he may have a dual diagnosis....many people do. If so...then he will need treatment for the other problems, in addition to AA. They both must be treated....
If he is resistant to therapy/AA...that does not bode well for him.....
I am going to give you one more link...to a special article within our library of stickies.....I hope you will read it....because I think it is a pretty good yardstick....
I read it - thank you for it, it definitely helps me see clearer. You are spot on with the dual diagnosis. Bipolar would be my best guess. There is a history there. He has gone for therapy and currently is taking Zoloft and ability. Finding a doctor that is willing to put the time in needed before abf loses confidence in the doctor has been a constant challenge. I can't say he hasn't tried, just finding a good dr might have helped. I don't know.
Knowledge is power.
( our library is also called "stickies"...located just above all the threads)
I am going to go out on a limb, here and suggest...based on what you have shared...that he may have a dual diagnosis....many people do. If so...then he will need treatment for the other problems, in addition to AA. They both must be treated....
If he is resistant to therapy/AA...that does not bode well for him.....
I am going to give you one more link...to a special article within our library of stickies.....I hope you will read it....because I think it is a pretty good yardstick....
I read it - thank you for it, it definitely helps me see clearer. You are spot on with the dual diagnosis. Bipolar would be my best guess. There is a history there. He has gone for therapy and currently is taking Zoloft and ability. Finding a doctor that is willing to put the time in needed before abf loses confidence in the doctor has been a constant challenge. I can't say he hasn't tried, just finding a good dr might have helped. I don't know.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Lee114
Did I really teach him that was ok??!! I thought it was ok to help someone in need. I guess I didn't realize I was being manipulated and used. I was trying to build a life with this man. I wanted to believe I could make a difference for him. I feel like such a fool.
Please don't feel like a fool. You were being kind, that does not make you a fool. What he chose to do with your kindness - that's on him.
I'm going to post something Dandylion posted in another thread today Dandylion I hope you don't mind!
Originally Posted by dandylion
phoenix......I think that the rules that we are taught, growing up, about how to deal with others is based on the assumption that we will be in relationships with "normal" people.
And, those rules do work pretty well...for the most part...I think....
What they forget to tell us...and, where it all falls apart....is, when we try to apply those rules in relationships with toxic people....like narcissists, abusers, personality disorders of all kinds, addicts.....
Who knew?!
And, those rules do work pretty well...for the most part...I think....
What they forget to tell us...and, where it all falls apart....is, when we try to apply those rules in relationships with toxic people....like narcissists, abusers, personality disorders of all kinds, addicts.....
Who knew?!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I thought it was ok to help someone in need
sure - that's why we donate to the Red Cross and donate non-perishables to food banks. or clothing to a women's shelter.
Arrests, car wrecks, verbal abuse, stealing from me and lots of money being shelled out to "help" him.
oh he was looking for "help" alright....a roof over his head, an understanding forgiving woman, MONEY. and trust me, if you cut him loose, he'll find the next source of help.
people like him don't see people as people, they see them as a potential resource. it's all about getting high........whatever it takes, whatever you gotta say or do.
sure - that's why we donate to the Red Cross and donate non-perishables to food banks. or clothing to a women's shelter.
Arrests, car wrecks, verbal abuse, stealing from me and lots of money being shelled out to "help" him.
oh he was looking for "help" alright....a roof over his head, an understanding forgiving woman, MONEY. and trust me, if you cut him loose, he'll find the next source of help.
people like him don't see people as people, they see them as a potential resource. it's all about getting high........whatever it takes, whatever you gotta say or do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I thought it was ok to help someone in need
sure - that's why we donate to the Red Cross and donate non-perishables to food banks. or clothing to a women's shelter.
Arrests, car wrecks, verbal abuse, stealing from me and lots of money being shelled out to "help" him.
oh he was looking for "help" alright....a roof over his head, an understanding forgiving woman, MONEY. and trust me, if you cut him loose, he'll find the next source of help.
people like him don't see people as people, they see them as a potential resource. it's all about getting high........whatever it takes, whatever you gotta say or do.
sure - that's why we donate to the Red Cross and donate non-perishables to food banks. or clothing to a women's shelter.
Arrests, car wrecks, verbal abuse, stealing from me and lots of money being shelled out to "help" him.
oh he was looking for "help" alright....a roof over his head, an understanding forgiving woman, MONEY. and trust me, if you cut him loose, he'll find the next source of help.
people like him don't see people as people, they see them as a potential resource. it's all about getting high........whatever it takes, whatever you gotta say or do.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Who knows whats going on with him. Who knows what was really truth or a lie with his feelings. A lot of people are dual diagnosis. Often one treatment in a rehab isnt enough. Some rehabs dont treat anything but addiction, not medical, psych, or trauma.. And a lot of people just dont like AA but there are other supports. Does it matter really? After 3 years if you are done. I say dont waste more time on his problems. I think you already know what you ended up with and have already found the answer many here stumble over - your certain this is not the guy you want as a life partner. I suggest focus on getting him to leave.
Do you think he is taking you seriously? Are you giving him mixed signals about the relationship, as in not being assertive enough? Or he simply refusing to go. Check the laws in your area and follow the procedure. Are you afraid of him? Think he might damage or take any of your things? Id document items, or remove them before you begin the process. Also is he paying his share of the bills?
Do you think he is taking you seriously? Are you giving him mixed signals about the relationship, as in not being assertive enough? Or he simply refusing to go. Check the laws in your area and follow the procedure. Are you afraid of him? Think he might damage or take any of your things? Id document items, or remove them before you begin the process. Also is he paying his share of the bills?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Did I really teach him that was ok??!! I thought it was ok to help someone in need. I guess I didn't realize I was being manipulated and used. I was trying to build a life with this man. I wanted to believe I could make a difference for him. I feel like such a fool.
The more things like that we do for them the less respect they’ll have for us. We lower our standards, which they begin to ignore because they know another chance will always be given. He’s not afraid to lose you because he knows no matter what he does you won’t walk away. They become very comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
This is no longer about him or his alcohol issues; this is now all about you and your issues.
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