aliciagr

My husband has set up what he feels are healthy boundaries in regards to contact with his parents. Both live in another state. He currently has a better relationship with his father than he does his mother. So he has a different boundary for each. They are also in the process of divorce.

I have never been particularly close with either of his parents because they have always lived in another state during our marriage. Except for a period of about 2 years when we relocated near them so my husband could pursue a work opportunity. He relapsed when we were living there. Things were very strained with his parents and there was more damage done to their relationship.

None of this would impact me too much except for the fact that we now have a son of our own. My husband has asked me to honor his boundary in regards to not having his mother visit our home. His dad has been allowed to come and visit.

He basically has no contact with his mom right now. He hasnt asked me not to communicate with her, so I send pictures and have done Facetime with her while holding the baby. He tried phone contact for a while but it upset him so he stopped. She asked to come visit and I told her it needed to be worked out with her son.

Basically I feel bad for her. I have a close relationship with my parents who live nearby. I know its normal to have compassion, and I feel this is one of those things I cant change, but just have to accept. I would never get involved in trying to patch up their relationship as it would be like entering a hornets nest. I cant fix whats broken between them,

Its my understanding he's told her whats needed for the reconciliation process to begin. We have discussed the difference between boundaries set up for ones personal needs vs trying to punish someone. We talk openly about these things.

Does anyone else have a boundary situation similar to this?

Spence7471

While I do not have that particular situation, maybe you could discuss with your husband the option of him taking a guys weekend when his mom plans to visit, or you travel to her (or a mutual place) for a weekend so she can spend time with her grandchild. Just because she is a trigger for him, it may be ok for her to be around your child. Then again, maybe your husband will not want that if she is abusive, etc... so important to ask.

Now with all that said, I think you handled her potential visit question well with saying that it needs to be worked out thru your husband.

hopeful4

I think it's wise to let your husband work this out as well. If she knows what she needs to do, and it's a FAIR request, then I would say that leaves the ball in her court if she wishes for things to change.

Maybe you could meet half way with the baby and visit for a couple of days on neutral ground? Would your husband be in support of something like that. If not, I would not do it.

aliciagr

Thank you both.

My MIL said she would come out, stay in a hotel and thought I would go along with her basically sneaking in and visiting while hes at work. I told her no. That goes against my principles.

I dont want to travel with the baby yet. Im new at this still. Also, I dont think Im ready to visit the area where we used to live. The absolute worst time of my life happened there. I had hopes and was optimistic when we first moved there, but I never had time to settle in, and I never felt safe. To me, addiction still lives there.

I did ask him about her coming to visit and maybe doing it at my moms house. He hasnt got back to me yet, Said he would think about it.

She isnt physically abusive so no worries there. She is highly emotional however, and its got worse since my FIL moved out and started the divorce.

AnvilheadII

my own boundary is to never mess with/interfere another's family relationships. be that a mom, gramma, sister, cousin, or old Uncle Fred. family, to me, is a sacred thing.....even if it is the most screwed up, dysfunctional familial relationship......if it ain't my blood, it ain't my business.

even when my daughter in her late teens/early 20s was having drama with her grandparents on her dad's side (after he had passed away from cancer), i stayed out of it, only supported HER and what she needed. i may have WANTED to go and bonk the both of them over the head for being utter d-bags, but i held my tongue. my daughter was perfectly capable of navigating thru the miasma on her own, as she best deemed fit.

family of origin stuff is the toughest nut to crack.....

PuzzledHeart

Yeah, that's really going to help establish trust between her and her son. What was she thinking? And she's pitting you against him? Forget it.

I can see this from both sides. My sister wanted me to make up with my abuser, and for a while she would engineer these get togethers. "She's just stopping by." "It will only be for the evening." As if that was going to make me feel any better.

I felt extremely resentful that she even tried. In her head, this was an attempt for everybody to forgive each other and move along. In MY head, this was yet another dismissal of my fears, my concerns, my anxiety whenever that woman shared the same space as me. My family still wonders why I don't want to see her. Why should I?

On the flip side, my sister has an extremely contentious relationship with my mother. My mother has said some crazy stuff to me and to her, but I can let it roll off my back. My sister takes it very personally, most likely because she's still suffering from extreme low self-esteem and shame from her current choices. I also think, in some twisted way, that my sister often agrees with my mom but doesn't want to give her the satisfaction of saying that she's right. Which can work against her when my mom is saying stuff like save for your retirement.

The only solution, as Anvilhead said, is to stay out of it.

But I'll give the baby a virtual, germ-free, flu-free kiss!

dandylion

Alicia.....it seems, to me, that the two of you should be able to work out a plan between the two of you...It might take some time for the two of you to chew on it for a while....and, you have a therapist to help you two, if you need it.....
In that way...you are not interfering with his family...you are getting you two on the same page...so you can stand united in harmony....
I can understand your desire for your son and his grandmother to meet each other. A child who gets to know it's grandparents is a lucky child, in my opinion---as long as there s no abuse or safety issue, of course......

mylifeismine

You and your husband have worked so hard on your marriage
to get to where you are today. It would be so sad if his mother
managed to mess it all up.

Please tread carefully - my gut instinct about your MIL when you
first posted about her was that she was serious trouble. She
reminds me of my MIL who has caused so much damage with
her manipulative, meddling ways- all under the guise of "helping".
Very destructive.

As Puzzledheart said about her sneaking behind your
husband's back and getting you to go along:
"Yeah, that's really going to help establish trust between her and her son. What was she thinking? And she's pitting you against him? Forget it."

This is abuse in my book.

You can't fix their relationship and you may want to give some
thought to where all this will end up if he continues no contact
and she gets to have a relationship with your son. The more
involved she gets, the more complicated and problematic
it will become. Which is what people like her & my mil love-
drama.

Smarie78

I think it’s great that your husband is willing to think about it and entertain a compromise of her seeing the baby at your mom’s house. If it were off the table completely he’d have said no. It’s good too that you offered up a safe and neutral area that doesn’t involve him having to be there. I understand your tough spot bc on one hand it’s not your business, but on the other hand, it’s your child that you would like to have a relationship with the child’s grandmother. Or at least not take away that special relationship from her with your baby.

I would say continue to work with him and let him know you just want to let her see the baby, he doesn’t have to be there or mend the relationship. Respect his boundaries, and together see if you can come up with a plan. Whatever their beef is let them handle, for you it should just about letting her visit the child, you don’t have to let it mean you are gonna “fix things”. Best of luck Alicia! Hugs

hearthealth

Not knowing what husbands issues with MIL that he has gone no contact and she's not welcome to grandchild's house. What about holiday's and his birthdays? That makes it difficult on the child as he grows up. My IL would not come to the children's events at my house, due to me, so all parties were held at IL house without my knowledge. It just becomes uncomfortable for all involved even the child. I think they understand no contact better than fragmented contact. I think the children also understand dad's always busy when grandmother visits more so than grandmother can't visit at my place and play with me with my toys at my house. IME

I think him allowing her to see grandchild through you is putting you in the middle of their issues and jumping through hoops for your child. Something parents do but maybe there's a better way that your husband and his mother can work out.

lightandsea

What comes up internally for you when you sit quietly for a bit with the feeling she suggested you keep secrets from your husband?

Ladybird579

I kind of feel you are stuck in the middle here. I agree with op that you can't interfere in your husband's relationship with his mother but that doesn't mean you have to agree with it either.

My dd has not allowed me to see my grandson and I went through every possible reason why. I really screwed myself up over it and cried buckets over his loss but it has come to light now he is over a year old she regrets her decision made in the heat of the moment when she was actually angry with exah and couldn't get at him. Her siblings say this little boy has no extended family at all cos she can't bring herself to admit I would be a good thing in his life cos of her issues with her dad and my dad, his great granddad has no interest in him, as he never us as kids either lol . I think it would be a real shame if MIL can't see your son and take an active part in his life but I'd hold off bringing her in until her and your husband have made some inroads into sorting out what lies between them and you can meet openly.

aliciagr

Thank you for all the replies. A lot to think about !

Had a long and anxious day due to a Dr appt for my son. He is fine but its me. I panic and feel anxiety because I still feel like bad things are going to keep happening. It became my routine for so long. even after i thought it was better. Another shoe would fall. Now things are pretty good, but even a routine checkup does this to me. Ive already talked to my doctor about it and think mostly it will take time to go away. And no more shoes falling for a while.

PuzzledHeart

I was close to the World Trade Center on 9/11, and for years, even now, I still jump at the sound of a plane flying too close to the ground.

However, it's loads better than what it was before. I would jump at someone turning off the lights, the heater turning on, any unexpected noise. And the sense of doom - I nearly had a nervous breakdown as my wedding approached because I was utterly convinced that something was going to happen to my now husband.

I'm still alert - I still wonder what will happen every time I go into the city, every time I go on a plane. Seventeen years later, I still make plans in my head for what will happen if my family and I are trapped in the subway. But I've learned to accept that fear for what it is. And living with that fear is a natural consequence of our decision to center our lives here.

It just does take time. Hopefully, for both of us, it won't happen again. But if it does, we'll know the road map. We'll be just a little quicker to figure out what worked and what didn't. I am comforted by the notion that I know how to survive. Believe it or not, you do too.

aliciagr

I cant imagine the depth of emotions from living in the 9/11 area. That is so big. Sometimes if there is a feeling of unease at home there is still a feeling of safety and reliability in the larger world around us. But when you feel through tragedy there are no safe spaces?? I fall back on my faith a lot when I feel those insecurities. I try to at least have faith in knowing Im not given more than I can handle, but its still hard.
We are developing street smarts, right?

This is exactly what I dont want to do. Its taken a lot for him to get in touch with his feelings, to acknowledge they are valid, and that its ok. Just allowing himself to self validate his own emotions because they were always minimized within his family. When a parent is basically ambivalent to a childs emotions. cant focus on them when there is fear, pain or confusion. Who also doesnt celebrate their success but instead continuously sets the bar higher and higher?

Mostly it always ends the same when there is contact between them. and I think he is to the point where he realizes nothing will change unless they both make changes. There is no way I feel like saying well she is your mom so you just need to minimize your feelings again and let the cycle continue.

It sounds a lot like what you feel with your abuser. Did you have trouble allowing yourself to validate your own emotions ? Do you think that was the first step for healing?

aliciagr

The path with contact went something like this. We moved home in marital crisis mode with my husband going to live with my brother while I moved in with my parents. There was no contact with his family by either of us.

His dad began to call and leave messages on his phone. He ignored them for a while and then slowly began talking to his dad again. His dad turned the phone over to his mom and thats how they started talking. It was really his dad who engineered it but I think MIL pushed him to. They were still together at this point.

But stuff went south with his mom. There were hard feelings again and he stopped talking to her. She called the house some and I talked to her but he was always unavailable. Thats how I got in the loop.

His dad wanted to come visit after our son was born and my husband was excited because he was happy you know. His dad asked if his mom could come and initially he said yes. But then he got really upset and said he knew what would happen. She would take this happy time for him, what he was celebrating, and turn it to something about her and it would ruin the special time for him. He didnt want to start our new family with dysfunction.

Our son arrived early, but we had already re-committed to our marriage, were in the process of buying a house. But hadnt closed on it yet, our stuff was in storage mostly. So our son came home to my parents house and my husband moved in also.

His dad waited to visit until after we had moved into our house. But initially my parents said he could come sooner and visit at their house. Its a little funny maybe, but my husband wanted his parents to see how well he fits into my family. He was looking forward to their seeing how he was respected and basically validated.

His mom of course got upset she couldnt come visit.

I dont know her all that well. I know what he has shared. I saw her when we were out there but most of it was under very bad, intense, emotional circumstances. So I try not to judge her just by that. I wasnt in good shape either. I send pictures to a group of people and she is in the group. Now she will call the house and she knows its me she will talk to not him. I did the Facetime to try to help build that connection between grandparent and grandchild. But I dont know if its right.

My mom said it might be making her feel worse. Like dangling a carrot. But its her initiating the calls. Me sending the pics.

In terms of bringing her any closer, my husband and I are on the same page. He needs to feel comfortable and decide because its his side of the family. The only difference is I just feel bad because its my sons grandmother and I see my mom with him, and it makes me feel sad. He says hes sad about it too, but he refuses to let the sadness of the situation outweigh the fact that the dysfunction isnt healthy.

aliciagr

I keep thinking this is just the way she is. I think she has kept a lot of secrets from her own husband? A way of life? I didnt really think about her maybe using it against me? stupid on my part I guess! I thought she was simply thinking of herself and how to get what she wanted, not caring about the method.

I see a little of that attitude in my husband sometimes and I think he grew up with it. He says he had to sneak around to avoid conflict. Says it gave him confusion on right vs wrong vs wants vs needs vs normal vs NOT NORMAL.

aliciagr

I forgot to post this: I recently read this study about substance abuse and recovery. It said after a major life event it puts people at a higher relapse risk for a full 3 years !

We have had a LOT of emotional events.

I crave calm and quiet and like I posted above about the anxious feeling of the next bad thing happening. I take his emotions and need for recovery time, peace just as seriously. Its another reason why I know he needs to be the one to navigate on his parents, as well as his own path and speed to emotional healing.

hopeful4

I guess I am thinking of what I would tell someone who has a toxic relationship w/a parent and is in recovery. I would tell them to keep their recovery as their #1 no matter what. To find what keeps them emotionally sound. If his mom is going to bring toxicity to his life, then I would say to stay away from her. Even if that is not happening, that is his perception of it, and that is what counts right now. He has to work on his sobriety every single day. Anything that would put that to risk he should stay away from, even if it's mom. I credit him for thinking about this, and not giving an off the cuff "absolutely not."

As far as your fears, you have to understand the risk of relapse will always be there. It's what you deal with when you are with an addict. The best thing you can do is have your own plans in place, and try to deprogram your brain from those old trauma responses. It's really hard I know. Living day to day is what is required, it's also the hardest.

Keep sharing, you are digging deep, and even though it's hard, it is good for your soul in my opinion.

Big hugs!

aliciagr

I credit him for thinking about this, and not giving an off the cuff "absolutely not."

He's doing a lot better now. Much more rational in his thinking.
Thank God !

Keep sharing, you are digging deep, and even though it's hard, it is good for your soul in my opinion.

Thank you. Sometimes I feel like Im on learning overload, but Im trying and I do feel like Ive come to know myself much better.