So I Said Goodbye
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So I Said Goodbye
Another phone call from him yesterday morning. It was a good conversation (no bitterness, anger, etc.). He talked about his day, how he was on his way to visit his grandma, how he was going to pick up his guitar so he can hang out with some friends at the local music shop tomorrow night, told me about how his best friend was seeing a new girl who he didn't care for too much, was telling me how he was helping one of his SL buddies get ready for a date the night before, was telling me how he was joking and having some funny conversations with a couple of girls in his meeting. He's obviously out and about, he's doing things, he socializing, but where do I fit in in all of this?
Wanting to leave him be in his "strict intensive therapy" and not add any type of pressure I've been avoiding this topic but toward the end of our conversation I asked him "Where am I with you now? What place am I in your life now, if any? If you don't love me anymore than just say". His reply was he does love me but right now he just wants me to be a "friend", he can't be in a relationship with me. He also said he knows he can't tell me what to do, but that maybe I should go on and meet someone else because to wait for him wouldn't be fair to me. Told me his counselor told him not to get involved with anyone. I wanted more. I don't want to just be a "friend" and take occasional phone calls from him whenever, if ever he might decide to call so he can tell me all about what he's up to when none of it includes me (the one he says/said he loved). It hurt to hear this. So last night I sent him the below and yet today I'm wondering why I'm sitting here wondering if I did the right thing
I love you. And I miss you. You are the one I want, the one I want to be with. I don’t want anyone else. I want to be with you.
I know you said your counselor told you no relationships. And I know you can’t tell me what to do because it wouldn’t be “fair to me”, tho that’s not what I asked either. I just want to know what YOU want in your heart. And that’s why I asked you today if you don’t love me any more than just say. Don’t tell me to do things because it’s not “fair to me”. I’m going to do what I want to do regardless, and I said this before ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’ and my heart wants YOU. When we first met I never ever expected this is what it would turn out to be, but it is what it is. And even tho there were all the ups and downs because of the drinking I’m OK with it because I knew you were just sick but I still loved you and as long as you were taking the right steps now to do the right thing and make yourself better, I’m fine. And I know you would be able to beat it. I just want you to be better, and healthy, and be the guy I fell in love with. I’d stay loyal there by your side forever as long as you wanted me as well. But it’s clear you do not want me.
When I saw you at Xmas and we spent that time together, I missed you so much but I was still so unbelievably happy. I just wanted you (us) to be OK. I was willing to let everything go, let the past stay in the past. I just wanted a new start with you regardless. All you had to do, if only just ONCE you would have said you still wanted me and to be with me. That’s all I’ve been hoping to hear from you. But I haven’t. And I’ll accept now that you have a new life, you are out making new friends, out meeting people, you’re out doing things, you’re busy with the meetings and all. I hope you find your happiness in your new life since I was never ever able to do that for you.
I will truly love you forever more than you will ever know.
I've heard back nothing and I won't expect a response.
Wanting to leave him be in his "strict intensive therapy" and not add any type of pressure I've been avoiding this topic but toward the end of our conversation I asked him "Where am I with you now? What place am I in your life now, if any? If you don't love me anymore than just say". His reply was he does love me but right now he just wants me to be a "friend", he can't be in a relationship with me. He also said he knows he can't tell me what to do, but that maybe I should go on and meet someone else because to wait for him wouldn't be fair to me. Told me his counselor told him not to get involved with anyone. I wanted more. I don't want to just be a "friend" and take occasional phone calls from him whenever, if ever he might decide to call so he can tell me all about what he's up to when none of it includes me (the one he says/said he loved). It hurt to hear this. So last night I sent him the below and yet today I'm wondering why I'm sitting here wondering if I did the right thing
I love you. And I miss you. You are the one I want, the one I want to be with. I don’t want anyone else. I want to be with you.
I know you said your counselor told you no relationships. And I know you can’t tell me what to do because it wouldn’t be “fair to me”, tho that’s not what I asked either. I just want to know what YOU want in your heart. And that’s why I asked you today if you don’t love me any more than just say. Don’t tell me to do things because it’s not “fair to me”. I’m going to do what I want to do regardless, and I said this before ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’ and my heart wants YOU. When we first met I never ever expected this is what it would turn out to be, but it is what it is. And even tho there were all the ups and downs because of the drinking I’m OK with it because I knew you were just sick but I still loved you and as long as you were taking the right steps now to do the right thing and make yourself better, I’m fine. And I know you would be able to beat it. I just want you to be better, and healthy, and be the guy I fell in love with. I’d stay loyal there by your side forever as long as you wanted me as well. But it’s clear you do not want me.
When I saw you at Xmas and we spent that time together, I missed you so much but I was still so unbelievably happy. I just wanted you (us) to be OK. I was willing to let everything go, let the past stay in the past. I just wanted a new start with you regardless. All you had to do, if only just ONCE you would have said you still wanted me and to be with me. That’s all I’ve been hoping to hear from you. But I haven’t. And I’ll accept now that you have a new life, you are out making new friends, out meeting people, you’re out doing things, you’re busy with the meetings and all. I hope you find your happiness in your new life since I was never ever able to do that for you.
I will truly love you forever more than you will ever know.
I've heard back nothing and I won't expect a response.
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Gently, London...I don't actually see a "goodbye" in your letter. I see a lot of open doors that maybe you are hoping he will walk through, even if you tell yourself that's not what you are doing or expect.
It sounds to me that he has been quite clear in his intention, even if he cannot articulate his feelings in a way that is satisfying to you. You want different things right now: he wants to be friends, and you want to go back to the way things were. That is something that happens between people all the time, whether addiction is involved or not.
What I take away from this is that you have placed control of your happiness in his hands. Only HE can give you what you believe you need to be happy. I recognize this because it's how I lived every relationship of my life until I was 35 years old. I placed all power in other people's hands--some worthy, most not, but all of them, misplaced.
I had to work towards a place where I was in the driver's seat of my own happiness. Where I did not need the love or attention of others to feel whole. Where I stopped trying to force other people to give me the love and attention I could not get from my alcoholic mother. Where my self-worth was so strong that someone only wanting to be friends with me was not a dagger in my heart, a condemnation of my own value, but a fact of life to be accepted as an expression of someone else's right to feel whatever they felt without my judgment. That acceptance would allow me to move on without feeling like I was unworthy of love, just because this particular person didn't love me.
I believe that to truly love others, we must love ourselves first. And that to truly be loved by others, others must love themselves first. Anything less than that is unhealthy attachment.
It sounds to me that he has been quite clear in his intention, even if he cannot articulate his feelings in a way that is satisfying to you. You want different things right now: he wants to be friends, and you want to go back to the way things were. That is something that happens between people all the time, whether addiction is involved or not.
What I take away from this is that you have placed control of your happiness in his hands. Only HE can give you what you believe you need to be happy. I recognize this because it's how I lived every relationship of my life until I was 35 years old. I placed all power in other people's hands--some worthy, most not, but all of them, misplaced.
I had to work towards a place where I was in the driver's seat of my own happiness. Where I did not need the love or attention of others to feel whole. Where I stopped trying to force other people to give me the love and attention I could not get from my alcoholic mother. Where my self-worth was so strong that someone only wanting to be friends with me was not a dagger in my heart, a condemnation of my own value, but a fact of life to be accepted as an expression of someone else's right to feel whatever they felt without my judgment. That acceptance would allow me to move on without feeling like I was unworthy of love, just because this particular person didn't love me.
I believe that to truly love others, we must love ourselves first. And that to truly be loved by others, others must love themselves first. Anything less than that is unhealthy attachment.
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^^^^ This. I think goodbye would be along the lines of I wish you well in the future. We had some good times and I will always remember you fondly. I think what you did say is a tad manipulative and could have made him feel under pressure... Sorry. I don't want to make you feel worse. xx
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Please don't place your complete happiness in someone else's hands. That is giving away too much of yourself and giving someone else too much power over you as an individual.
Now, I have a bit of a different opinion on this next bit than others do here - I believe in being confident and loving yourself, etc etc but I also believe there are certain things you get from a loving relationship with other individuals that you just don't get when "alone". And this can be any relationship. The thing is, even if you are of the same opinion, he isn't capable of that and won't be for a long time.
I feel badly that you are in so much pain. I feel like you are on a hamster wheel. Trying to find a way off the wheel will be painful but helpful in the end. Being friends IMO keeps you on the wheel as does giving only him the control of your happiness
Now, I have a bit of a different opinion on this next bit than others do here - I believe in being confident and loving yourself, etc etc but I also believe there are certain things you get from a loving relationship with other individuals that you just don't get when "alone". And this can be any relationship. The thing is, even if you are of the same opinion, he isn't capable of that and won't be for a long time.
I feel badly that you are in so much pain. I feel like you are on a hamster wheel. Trying to find a way off the wheel will be painful but helpful in the end. Being friends IMO keeps you on the wheel as does giving only him the control of your happiness
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Thanks SparkleKitty. I get it, I understand. I do have to admit tho I chuckled a bit ... AB and "clear". Just does not go together.
In the past when he's been in a bad way, when he's relapsed, and overwhelmed for whatever reason he's told me to go away before, go meet someone else, etc. This isn't the first time I've heard this (and admittedly it hurt the other times too) but I also know it's typically because of what he's going thru at the time. This is his tendency, and unfortunately he doesn't just do it to me, he does the same to his family as well (you all just go on with your lives without me, you'll all be better off with me not around, etc.). Would lash out at us all (in my opinion because he doesn't know how to properly deal with whatever it is he's dealing with/going thru at the time). And as soon as he starts pulling it together again? Always a completely different story. I believe it's the same thing now, I've seen it before. Maybe some of you may have read in my previous threads that when he first when in, he was not responding to me, angry and hostile to me if he did, the exact same thing. But after a couple of more communications from him reaching out to me to help me understand, at least the anger and hostility is gone.
Perhaps not a clear cut goodbye, yes absolutely. I just don't see any reason right now to so definitively communicate to him that I'm slamming this door shut, locking it and burning it down. We were connected, there was love and care and there still is, none of our recent communications have been angry, bitter, resentful about anything.
I don't feel I've placed "control" of my happiness in his hands or ever did. Aside from this rollercoaster ride I unknowingly hopped on (not knowing he was an alcoholic in the beginning, him hiding it, etc.) I lead a very fulfilled life. Great job, great place to live, participate in a sport I'm completely passionate about, financially OK, have my friends, I get out and socialize, have already traveled alot, have already learned that second language, have already done so many things for myself, by myself because it's what I wanted to do and made me happy. I have a great life which I am completely grateful for. He I thought might just be that additional compliment to my life.
But I was blindsided by the alcoholism. And I am and have been very sad that it was taken away from me the way it was.
This note to him was for me. I don't expect anything to come of it. Our lives are completely different now and tho as badly as I want to hear that he still wants me in it to be more than just a friend? I know I'm not. This is just my first attempt in separating myself. The next step is to work building and keeping the strength to not answer any calls or texts from him should that ever happen.
I juts needed to communicate one last time, the bottom line on my feelings toward him, how I feel now, toward the whole situation.
In the past when he's been in a bad way, when he's relapsed, and overwhelmed for whatever reason he's told me to go away before, go meet someone else, etc. This isn't the first time I've heard this (and admittedly it hurt the other times too) but I also know it's typically because of what he's going thru at the time. This is his tendency, and unfortunately he doesn't just do it to me, he does the same to his family as well (you all just go on with your lives without me, you'll all be better off with me not around, etc.). Would lash out at us all (in my opinion because he doesn't know how to properly deal with whatever it is he's dealing with/going thru at the time). And as soon as he starts pulling it together again? Always a completely different story. I believe it's the same thing now, I've seen it before. Maybe some of you may have read in my previous threads that when he first when in, he was not responding to me, angry and hostile to me if he did, the exact same thing. But after a couple of more communications from him reaching out to me to help me understand, at least the anger and hostility is gone.
Perhaps not a clear cut goodbye, yes absolutely. I just don't see any reason right now to so definitively communicate to him that I'm slamming this door shut, locking it and burning it down. We were connected, there was love and care and there still is, none of our recent communications have been angry, bitter, resentful about anything.
I don't feel I've placed "control" of my happiness in his hands or ever did. Aside from this rollercoaster ride I unknowingly hopped on (not knowing he was an alcoholic in the beginning, him hiding it, etc.) I lead a very fulfilled life. Great job, great place to live, participate in a sport I'm completely passionate about, financially OK, have my friends, I get out and socialize, have already traveled alot, have already learned that second language, have already done so many things for myself, by myself because it's what I wanted to do and made me happy. I have a great life which I am completely grateful for. He I thought might just be that additional compliment to my life.
But I was blindsided by the alcoholism. And I am and have been very sad that it was taken away from me the way it was.
This note to him was for me. I don't expect anything to come of it. Our lives are completely different now and tho as badly as I want to hear that he still wants me in it to be more than just a friend? I know I'm not. This is just my first attempt in separating myself. The next step is to work building and keeping the strength to not answer any calls or texts from him should that ever happen.
I juts needed to communicate one last time, the bottom line on my feelings toward him, how I feel now, toward the whole situation.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I’m just a little suspicious. All his talk about friends dating, talking to other girls, etc. I wonder if he wants to pursue a relationship with a new girl? Or maybe he has already started one?
If he really wanted you to be his girlfriend, you’d know. He’d bust down doors to get to you.
There’s a good book called HE’S JUST NOT INTO YOU that opened my eyes to the ways we try to hang onto the dream that they still love us, after they have moved on.
I’m not saying this to be mean ❤️ Just offering an observation based on experience. I feel for you. Hugs.
If he really wanted you to be his girlfriend, you’d know. He’d bust down doors to get to you.
There’s a good book called HE’S JUST NOT INTO YOU that opened my eyes to the ways we try to hang onto the dream that they still love us, after they have moved on.
I’m not saying this to be mean ❤️ Just offering an observation based on experience. I feel for you. Hugs.
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London.....I think that most of us have been in your shoes, at least once.....
I get how much it hurts.....I really do. It is normal, I think, for you to feel the hurt of this separation from a relationship that you invested so much of yourself into....
Please, please, know that you are going to grieve for a while, over this....you are going to have a whole kalidescope of different kinds of emotions....This is expected and, even necessary to heal from the trauma....
I like to call this the necessary "short-term pain for the long-term gain".....
If you continue to read and learn and post....you will find, that you will begin to change...inside....after a few weeks..... your filter will shift... and everything will look different to you. I realize that you probably not believe that, NOW...because you are still grieving and your feelings are too raw.....
he may pop up again, down the road....they often do...But, you will probably have changed.....and, he won't look like the same bargain, then....
***It is hard to be "friends" after a breakup of a romantic relationship that ends with one person feeling on the short end of the stick. It is really impossible.
I remember, from one of my courses on relationships...this subject was discussed...and, it was said that friendship seems possible ONLY if each person has gone on in their own lives...to new relationships and new interests...and, after a good amount of time has passed. Even then, it is more uncommon than common......
I think it is best for you to bite the nail...and soldier through your grieving period......
Yes, you will always remember him....(unless you have amnesia or develop dementia...lol)...but, It won't be with the hot knife in the heart that you feel right now.......trust me....
I get how much it hurts.....I really do. It is normal, I think, for you to feel the hurt of this separation from a relationship that you invested so much of yourself into....
Please, please, know that you are going to grieve for a while, over this....you are going to have a whole kalidescope of different kinds of emotions....This is expected and, even necessary to heal from the trauma....
I like to call this the necessary "short-term pain for the long-term gain".....
If you continue to read and learn and post....you will find, that you will begin to change...inside....after a few weeks..... your filter will shift... and everything will look different to you. I realize that you probably not believe that, NOW...because you are still grieving and your feelings are too raw.....
he may pop up again, down the road....they often do...But, you will probably have changed.....and, he won't look like the same bargain, then....
***It is hard to be "friends" after a breakup of a romantic relationship that ends with one person feeling on the short end of the stick. It is really impossible.
I remember, from one of my courses on relationships...this subject was discussed...and, it was said that friendship seems possible ONLY if each person has gone on in their own lives...to new relationships and new interests...and, after a good amount of time has passed. Even then, it is more uncommon than common......
I think it is best for you to bite the nail...and soldier through your grieving period......
Yes, you will always remember him....(unless you have amnesia or develop dementia...lol)...but, It won't be with the hot knife in the heart that you feel right now.......trust me....
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Thanks SAILORGIRL, not taking it as mean at all! I've actually quickly considered the same too but frankly I don't care about this part too much as he's going to do whatever he's going to do. Not for nothing, a definite other woman in the picture would absolutely be a deal breaker for me (and would make things ALOT easier to step away from). If he were to have someone new, there is absolutely NO reason he should be contacting me any further. He does have a whole new life now with a whole lot of new options!
In the beginning he's said, there are no relationships happening, he's in the SL house and it's not as if girls can come in, how he's so immersed in his program, etc. etc. yet in more of our talks things don't seem to be exactly as he first said. Granted the friend with the new girlfriend he doesn't care for is someone who's been sober a year and a half, and has his own apartment; the one he helped get ready for the date has a bit of time of sobriety under his belt as well. Only reason I know this is because I asked ... "but I thought you said you couldn't?".
And I agree with you (regardless of the situation, him in SL, us apart, how back and forth he may be not knowing if he's coming or going) he obviously is living his own life, meeting new people, making friends, etc. In my prior post above I tried to explain a bit when he goes thru something he tends to push people away, keep them at arms length. But if he wanted me to be more than just a "friend" he could say. And one day maybe down the line when he's feeling better and is pulling himself together, he might want more again (as history has shown) but I'm not sitting around waiting for that day, I can't. And that's why I put in my note it is clear he does not want me (perhaps other than a "friend" to call every now and again).
You know I read "He's Just Not That Into You" a long time ago. I remember not really liking it that much for some reason. Can't remember why at the moment since it was so long ago.
In the beginning he's said, there are no relationships happening, he's in the SL house and it's not as if girls can come in, how he's so immersed in his program, etc. etc. yet in more of our talks things don't seem to be exactly as he first said. Granted the friend with the new girlfriend he doesn't care for is someone who's been sober a year and a half, and has his own apartment; the one he helped get ready for the date has a bit of time of sobriety under his belt as well. Only reason I know this is because I asked ... "but I thought you said you couldn't?".
And I agree with you (regardless of the situation, him in SL, us apart, how back and forth he may be not knowing if he's coming or going) he obviously is living his own life, meeting new people, making friends, etc. In my prior post above I tried to explain a bit when he goes thru something he tends to push people away, keep them at arms length. But if he wanted me to be more than just a "friend" he could say. And one day maybe down the line when he's feeling better and is pulling himself together, he might want more again (as history has shown) but I'm not sitting around waiting for that day, I can't. And that's why I put in my note it is clear he does not want me (perhaps other than a "friend" to call every now and again).
You know I read "He's Just Not That Into You" a long time ago. I remember not really liking it that much for some reason. Can't remember why at the moment since it was so long ago.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
London.....he may have a hard time being one hundred percent honest....even with himself. That is not news...really...as alcoholics have a hard time with that...unless they have put a lot of hard work into working the steps......
Lots of people have trouble with that kind of unvarnished honesty...even those who have never had a drink.......
It is not unheard of for young or immature or unactualized men to explore new pastures, while still keeping the old flame o n the hook...just in case.....
Lots of people have trouble with that kind of unvarnished honesty...even those who have never had a drink.......
It is not unheard of for young or immature or unactualized men to explore new pastures, while still keeping the old flame o n the hook...just in case.....
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Originally Posted by London393 
But if he wanted me to be more than just a "friend" he could say.
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CLOVER 71 - Being friends IMO keeps you on the wheel as does giving only him the control of your happiness
DANDYLION - ***It is hard to be "friends" after a breakup of a romantic relationship that ends with one person feeling on the short end of the stick. It is really impossible.
I remember, from one of my courses on relationships...this subject was discussed...and, it was said that friendship seems possible ONLY if each person has gone on in their own lives...to new relationships and new interests...and, after a good amount of time has passed. Even then, it is more uncommon than common......
Completely agree. I can't be just friends, I don't want to be just friends. I didn't go into this because I was looking for another "friend". As selfish as it sounds (and I really don't care how it sounds) I wanted more and I believe he wanted more. Ideally I still want more but I know that will never be. Accepted.
REFINER - Yes, he has said that he only wants me as a "friend" and I got that.
Crystal clear. I didn't send that note to him looking for "warm and fuzzies" from anyone. With him going thru this, him being sick, him trying to take the right steps to make himself better, I've been here for him, listen to him talk, listen to how he's feeling, have been an ear, a shoulder for him to cry on. This is the ONE time I wanted to communicate and bottom line to him how I'm feeling and where I'm at with things. God forbid something happens to either one of us I want him to know how much I immensely love and care for him, what I hoped for with us, and how much he meant to me. I also know there's no room for me in his life other than maybe me being someone to occasionally call now and again (which I don't want to be). And I am very sorry I couldn't be there to help him find his happy (I know he has to do that on his own). I don't need to say or do anything more. And I don't expect him to do anything with this either.
DANDYLION - ***It is hard to be "friends" after a breakup of a romantic relationship that ends with one person feeling on the short end of the stick. It is really impossible.
I remember, from one of my courses on relationships...this subject was discussed...and, it was said that friendship seems possible ONLY if each person has gone on in their own lives...to new relationships and new interests...and, after a good amount of time has passed. Even then, it is more uncommon than common......
Completely agree. I can't be just friends, I don't want to be just friends. I didn't go into this because I was looking for another "friend". As selfish as it sounds (and I really don't care how it sounds) I wanted more and I believe he wanted more. Ideally I still want more but I know that will never be. Accepted.
REFINER - Yes, he has said that he only wants me as a "friend" and I got that.
Crystal clear. I didn't send that note to him looking for "warm and fuzzies" from anyone. With him going thru this, him being sick, him trying to take the right steps to make himself better, I've been here for him, listen to him talk, listen to how he's feeling, have been an ear, a shoulder for him to cry on. This is the ONE time I wanted to communicate and bottom line to him how I'm feeling and where I'm at with things. God forbid something happens to either one of us I want him to know how much I immensely love and care for him, what I hoped for with us, and how much he meant to me. I also know there's no room for me in his life other than maybe me being someone to occasionally call now and again (which I don't want to be). And I am very sorry I couldn't be there to help him find his happy (I know he has to do that on his own). I don't need to say or do anything more. And I don't expect him to do anything with this either.
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London, I've done almost the exact thing in the past. It's a form of closure, like, "This is it for me. Here's how I feel. Peace out."
I get it.
I never expected to hear anything either...but then, I explicitly told him, "We cannot be friends." I knew that wouldn't work for me and would have been painful and that isn't what I signed up for with him.
I get it.
I never expected to hear anything either...but then, I explicitly told him, "We cannot be friends." I knew that wouldn't work for me and would have been painful and that isn't what I signed up for with him.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I have to say that when an ex wants to be friends with you, it's because they want the possibility of a relationship with you, but without the pressure that they felt in the actual relationship. I'm absolutely guilty of asking to be friends with someone because I did actually still love them, but I felt that the relationship was too much pressure. In my mind, I thought that if we took some time apart, we could "figure ourselves out" and come back together later.
This may be totally unhelpful but I feel that when it comes to people we really care about, you can be apart for an age and then one day pick up again as if no time has passed at all. It's been that way for me with actual friendships -- there are people I know who make me feel as if we are both 16 still.
I think one of the things that has helped me a lot in my recovery is the understanding that just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them. You carry that love inside you. Your positive memories of them are safe, inside you. You might never go back to them, because you can't, because it's not safe to do so... or because they are not available... but whatever love you felt for whoever they used to be is safe.
Okay, maybe not helpful.
I'm going to be honest and say that if I received a letter like the one you sent him, I would feel really stressed out. I've also been the letter sender in the relationship -- yes, I've sent letters like this. He can't give you what you want. He may or may not want to be friends for the reasons I stated above... or as some people suggested, he may be looking at other possibilities.
All I can say is... if you do get back together (as friends or whatever)... say, in 10 years when he's had 10 years of sobriety done... it would be good if you also had 10 years of amazing stories to tell each other about all the places you had been, the work you had accomplished, and the interesting people you had dated (or the person you had married).
Okay, I'm being sentimental and unhelpful so I'll shut up. Best to move on. Close that door. Don't look back... etc.
This may be totally unhelpful but I feel that when it comes to people we really care about, you can be apart for an age and then one day pick up again as if no time has passed at all. It's been that way for me with actual friendships -- there are people I know who make me feel as if we are both 16 still.
I think one of the things that has helped me a lot in my recovery is the understanding that just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them. You carry that love inside you. Your positive memories of them are safe, inside you. You might never go back to them, because you can't, because it's not safe to do so... or because they are not available... but whatever love you felt for whoever they used to be is safe.
Okay, maybe not helpful.
I'm going to be honest and say that if I received a letter like the one you sent him, I would feel really stressed out. I've also been the letter sender in the relationship -- yes, I've sent letters like this. He can't give you what you want. He may or may not want to be friends for the reasons I stated above... or as some people suggested, he may be looking at other possibilities.
All I can say is... if you do get back together (as friends or whatever)... say, in 10 years when he's had 10 years of sobriety done... it would be good if you also had 10 years of amazing stories to tell each other about all the places you had been, the work you had accomplished, and the interesting people you had dated (or the person you had married).
Okay, I'm being sentimental and unhelpful so I'll shut up. Best to move on. Close that door. Don't look back... etc.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 22
It sounds to me what he said is probably the most he can give you and is probably the kindest thing he could have said to you. Reading what he said objectively to me sounds like he does really love you but he can’t possibly guarantee you what you want from him right now. He can’t offer it to anyone and that’s why he is choosing to be solo right now. That’s a huge step for an alcoholic to recognise too, it sounds like he is doing well so far in his recovery. It is still a painstakingly slow process however and it would be cruel of him to expect you to wait while he sorts all of his issues out. Sometimes love is letting someone go even though you know it hurts and you miss that person terribly. It’s a crappy situation to be in but ultimately all you can do is focus on yourself right now. All my love to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 50
HARPERLEE - Thank you so much for your kind words.
I was feeling pretty bad today about some of the feedback I received here from my post. Yes, I was looking for honesty and different perspectives but no I don't expect to be judged (manipulative?) and made to feel bad when all I was meaning to do was bottom line everything I was feeling to him.
Anyway in my weakened moment, it prompted me to call him and he answered. Told him I just wanted to apologize for anything that may have come across the wrong way and "this" is what I was trying to relay and went into that. He said he appreciated me letting him know how I feel and that the only thing about the text that upset him was that he never said any of those things and it was as if I was just putting words in his mouth. He said "I have never told you that I don't want you or that I don't want you in my life. I tell you I love you all the time. I'm not out doing the things you think I may be doing and I never said you don't make me happy." Told me I just need to sit back try and relax and "breathe", just one day at a time.
He went on a bit more on how it's so hard for him. Reminded me how he's only been in one month and how everything is still so new to him. Told me how nervous he gets about meeting people, wondering if he's doing the right thing, how he's so on the edge and feels like any little thing can possibly set him off. Told me how afraid he is of being set off, and possibly stepping out of line and being thrown out. Told me how there are many days when he doesn't feel like going to meetings (but he does) and many many days when he wants to go pick up that bottle of vodka instead. We ended the conversation with him telling me he loves me and he just wants to help me understand. I told him I loved him and was proud of him.
So maybe sending that text last night did serve a purpose after all. Tho still sad about certain aspects of this there is definitely a better understanding and peace between me and him, and me learning about this disease!
Again, thank you for your kind note! XO
I was feeling pretty bad today about some of the feedback I received here from my post. Yes, I was looking for honesty and different perspectives but no I don't expect to be judged (manipulative?) and made to feel bad when all I was meaning to do was bottom line everything I was feeling to him.
Anyway in my weakened moment, it prompted me to call him and he answered. Told him I just wanted to apologize for anything that may have come across the wrong way and "this" is what I was trying to relay and went into that. He said he appreciated me letting him know how I feel and that the only thing about the text that upset him was that he never said any of those things and it was as if I was just putting words in his mouth. He said "I have never told you that I don't want you or that I don't want you in my life. I tell you I love you all the time. I'm not out doing the things you think I may be doing and I never said you don't make me happy." Told me I just need to sit back try and relax and "breathe", just one day at a time.
He went on a bit more on how it's so hard for him. Reminded me how he's only been in one month and how everything is still so new to him. Told me how nervous he gets about meeting people, wondering if he's doing the right thing, how he's so on the edge and feels like any little thing can possibly set him off. Told me how afraid he is of being set off, and possibly stepping out of line and being thrown out. Told me how there are many days when he doesn't feel like going to meetings (but he does) and many many days when he wants to go pick up that bottle of vodka instead. We ended the conversation with him telling me he loves me and he just wants to help me understand. I told him I loved him and was proud of him.
So maybe sending that text last night did serve a purpose after all. Tho still sad about certain aspects of this there is definitely a better understanding and peace between me and him, and me learning about this disease!
Again, thank you for your kind note! XO
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
London, you have received some sage advice here. I know it is very difficult when you love someone so much and have been through so much with them and now when there may be hope of their sobriety then they seem to withdraw.
The reality is that an alocholic doesn't really know what they want. Deep down they have led a self centered and selfish existence with their abuse of alcohol, you are the collateral damage. He does not know what he wants but will keep you hangind on the hook till you are no longer of use. An alcoholic cannot love you because they do not even love themselves, so do not expect the type of clarity you are looking for. They will say many things, meaning them at that moment but they will then be forgotten.
I do not know how old you are but if you are not married to him, I would suggest you work on yourself, go to al anon, read, get therapy and move on from him. Your relationship was toxic and you would have to build a completely new one with him (provided he wanted the same) with absolutely no guarantee he doesn't drink/use again. If you are young, let him be and move on. Otherwise, you will be in a limbo of your own making and it is not a pleasant place to be, many of us have been there.
The reality is that an alocholic doesn't really know what they want. Deep down they have led a self centered and selfish existence with their abuse of alcohol, you are the collateral damage. He does not know what he wants but will keep you hangind on the hook till you are no longer of use. An alcoholic cannot love you because they do not even love themselves, so do not expect the type of clarity you are looking for. They will say many things, meaning them at that moment but they will then be forgotten.
I do not know how old you are but if you are not married to him, I would suggest you work on yourself, go to al anon, read, get therapy and move on from him. Your relationship was toxic and you would have to build a completely new one with him (provided he wanted the same) with absolutely no guarantee he doesn't drink/use again. If you are young, let him be and move on. Otherwise, you will be in a limbo of your own making and it is not a pleasant place to be, many of us have been there.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Guys in early recovery
Originally Posted by Sailorgirl57
I’m just a little suspicious. All his talk about friends dating, talking to other girls, etc. I wonder if he wants to pursue a relationship with a new girl? Or maybe he has already started one?
If he really wanted you to be his girlfriend, you’d know. He’d bust down doors to get to you.
There’s a good book called HE’S JUST NOT INTO YOU that opened my eyes to the ways we try to hang onto the dream that they still love us, after they have moved on.
I’m not saying this to be mean ❤️ Just offering an observation based on experience. I feel for you. Hugs.
If he really wanted you to be his girlfriend, you’d know. He’d bust down doors to get to you.
There’s a good book called HE’S JUST NOT INTO YOU that opened my eyes to the ways we try to hang onto the dream that they still love us, after they have moved on.
I’m not saying this to be mean ❤️ Just offering an observation based on experience. I feel for you. Hugs.
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