Angry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Angry
I've posted before about a breathalyzer etc., that my soon to be ex husband wanted to give me.
Well now we're in the sneaky phase of trying to "keep me sober." It is my 1st weekend back at home and he went out to get drunk with his friends while I watch our son. Didn't really ask me to watch, but demanded. Can't really say no at this point.
My son and I were going to go to a movie. He had a meltdown and decided to go Monday instead (out of school that day). However, I tried to look for my keys. I'd seen them the previous day and for the life of me couldn't find them. Talked to the husband who said he had no clue where they were and "I thought you were going to a movie?"
Well, after literally 2+ hours of HARD searching (and I'm a great discoverer), I found them in my husband's coat pocket along with two jim beam shooters. WHAT? WHY?
If this is some sort of sick test then I'm completely disgusted. Hiding my ability to transport my child because of your "fear" isn't fair either. I'm sorry. I've given him the benefit of the doubt, but this is just shameful in my mind. I'm not supposed to lie, so why can he?
Well now we're in the sneaky phase of trying to "keep me sober." It is my 1st weekend back at home and he went out to get drunk with his friends while I watch our son. Didn't really ask me to watch, but demanded. Can't really say no at this point.
My son and I were going to go to a movie. He had a meltdown and decided to go Monday instead (out of school that day). However, I tried to look for my keys. I'd seen them the previous day and for the life of me couldn't find them. Talked to the husband who said he had no clue where they were and "I thought you were going to a movie?"
Well, after literally 2+ hours of HARD searching (and I'm a great discoverer), I found them in my husband's coat pocket along with two jim beam shooters. WHAT? WHY?
If this is some sort of sick test then I'm completely disgusted. Hiding my ability to transport my child because of your "fear" isn't fair either. I'm sorry. I've given him the benefit of the doubt, but this is just shameful in my mind. I'm not supposed to lie, so why can he?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Try and focus on spending some time with your son. You cannot control your husbands actions, so don't try....it will only make you more angry. You are home with your son...make the best of it. Resentments only hurt you....so let them go.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
He could be attempting to 'set you up to fail',but that shouldn't affect your sobriety. It has NOTHING to do with him. I do think you should,politely, set out to move to your parents until the custody/divorce stuff gets handled. Talk to your attny on Tue morning(leave a message whenever over the weekend) and try to get a temp custody arrangement in place and that may include you being on 'soberlink' or whatever(and you should offer this). You both need some boundaries and I don't think either of you are in the right mindset to set healthy ones right now. No offense meant to either party,but he's pissed and you're just out of rehab and now dealing with LIFE in full ass color! That's a lot to take in for anyone! Try and relax a bit and look at the big picture of everything for your future. Not past stuff or even present stuff like this isn't worth dwelling over. Keep your eye on the prize.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
A divorce is happening. I don't bring it up and he doesn't supply the information. I wait in limbo, but because I don't want it (because I'm weak and pathetic), I am, sadly, dependent on him. Story of my life. I should control the divorce. But I don't want it. But it IS occurring. Still makes me ill with the games though. He "promised" he wouldn't be that way after his own parents difficult divorce. Ha the dang ha.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Geordie Land
Posts: 380
Hi Babescake. I've been through 2 divorces, one when my kids were youngsters. It's not easy. But there is nothing more annoying to someone who is into manipulation games than you not joining in.
Stay aloof from what you feel are digs at you, from the provocations.
Set your goals in your head, where YOU are heading and have tunnel vision following them.
It's not pathetic being dependent on someone, but it is unhealthy.
If you cannot stop this divorce that you don't want, you can learn to live with it and learn to become independent. Concentrate on things you fix rather than those you can't.
Stay aloof from what you feel are digs at you, from the provocations.
Set your goals in your head, where YOU are heading and have tunnel vision following them.
It's not pathetic being dependent on someone, but it is unhealthy.
If you cannot stop this divorce that you don't want, you can learn to live with it and learn to become independent. Concentrate on things you fix rather than those you can't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey Babes
You mentioned a few weeks ago that you had not been to a meeting since you got out of rehab. Have you been able to participate in a post rehab plan? Meetings, counseling, something?
Your posts are full of anger, blame, judgment, comparison. You are very focused on your husband. I'm not sure if you are focused on your recovery. I understand that what you are going through is really hard. I have been there. But the only thing you can control is you...your actions, your responses. The rest will only drive you crazy and potentially fuel a relapse.
I'm just concerned Babes. Keep your eye on what really matters.
You mentioned a few weeks ago that you had not been to a meeting since you got out of rehab. Have you been able to participate in a post rehab plan? Meetings, counseling, something?
Your posts are full of anger, blame, judgment, comparison. You are very focused on your husband. I'm not sure if you are focused on your recovery. I understand that what you are going through is really hard. I have been there. But the only thing you can control is you...your actions, your responses. The rest will only drive you crazy and potentially fuel a relapse.
I'm just concerned Babes. Keep your eye on what really matters.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I agree that you are overly focused on your husband and his activities and it's filling you with anger and other negative emotions.
If your husband is concerned about you driving with your son, so be it. You can still enjoy time with your child and doing things together that he enjoys.
Focus your energy on the upcoming changes in your life and your recovery.
If your husband is concerned about you driving with your son, so be it. You can still enjoy time with your child and doing things together that he enjoys.
Focus your energy on the upcoming changes in your life and your recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
Hey Babes
You mentioned a few weeks ago that you had not been to a meeting since you got out of rehab. Have you been able to participate in a post rehab plan? Meetings, counseling, something?
Your posts are full of anger, blame, judgment, comparison. You are very focused on your husband. I'm not sure if you are focused on your recovery. I understand that what you are going through is really hard. I have been there. But the only thing you can control is you...your actions, your responses. The rest will only drive you crazy and potentially fuel a relapse.
I'm just concerned Babes. Keep your eye on what really matters.
You mentioned a few weeks ago that you had not been to a meeting since you got out of rehab. Have you been able to participate in a post rehab plan? Meetings, counseling, something?
Your posts are full of anger, blame, judgment, comparison. You are very focused on your husband. I'm not sure if you are focused on your recovery. I understand that what you are going through is really hard. I have been there. But the only thing you can control is you...your actions, your responses. The rest will only drive you crazy and potentially fuel a relapse.
I'm just concerned Babes. Keep your eye on what really matters.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
God
grant me the serenity
to accept the people i cant change
courage to change the one i can
and wisdom to know thats me.
good to read youre going to some meetings-thats awesome!
what else are ya doing for your recovery? are ya working the steps? calling other alcoholics in recovery? reading the big book? looking for a sponsor to help guide ya through the steps??
grant me the serenity
to accept the people i cant change
courage to change the one i can
and wisdom to know thats me.
good to read youre going to some meetings-thats awesome!
what else are ya doing for your recovery? are ya working the steps? calling other alcoholics in recovery? reading the big book? looking for a sponsor to help guide ya through the steps??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 1,100
Babescake-
I'm basically going through the same thing, although my wife and I are separated with divorce pretty much imminent. The toxic relationship we've had over the years has had no small part in my alcohol abuse. It's an offense that I've had to come to terms with and realize my part in and move forward. My recovery is paramount (I also went to rehab); focus and resolve are the byproduct irrespective of the outcome of the pending legalities. I have to target me becoming a better person--no more, no less.
I hope that you can stay the path and assume that perspective. Peace to ya
T.
I'm basically going through the same thing, although my wife and I are separated with divorce pretty much imminent. The toxic relationship we've had over the years has had no small part in my alcohol abuse. It's an offense that I've had to come to terms with and realize my part in and move forward. My recovery is paramount (I also went to rehab); focus and resolve are the byproduct irrespective of the outcome of the pending legalities. I have to target me becoming a better person--no more, no less.
I hope that you can stay the path and assume that perspective. Peace to ya
T.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Keep in mind that sobriety will make you extra angry at the drop of a hat. Your AV will be sneaky and use anger to whittle you down. Don't overthink things, just do what you have to do to keep things calm and steady.
I have a feeling your perception will change a bit as you continue to ease into sobriety. I would get raging mad at my wife for a lot of the things she would do or say but it turned out she was usually right and actually looking out for me first.
I have a feeling your perception will change a bit as you continue to ease into sobriety. I would get raging mad at my wife for a lot of the things she would do or say but it turned out she was usually right and actually looking out for me first.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Sorry, this is sometimes my place to vent.
Hey no being sorry. You're being honest. I'm glad you are doing something that will hopefully provide relief. If nothing else, it can't hurt.
If your parents live close, have you considered moving back there? Having your son with you? I think I asked in another post if something like that was possible. I mean, if you are divorcing, you're gonna need a plan. You mentioned that you don't want the divorce (and then shamed the hell out of yourself...saying you're weak etc. You're not) that you're dependent on your hub. I dunno. Maybe talk with your attorney and your folks about how to get a bit more in the drivers seat of this.
And pls. document the stuff like the keys in his pocket with 2 mini's. Maybe its nothing. But it sure is messed up. And write it down...don't go off memory. keep a diary, date, time, event. I say this from experience.
Hey no being sorry. You're being honest. I'm glad you are doing something that will hopefully provide relief. If nothing else, it can't hurt.
If your parents live close, have you considered moving back there? Having your son with you? I think I asked in another post if something like that was possible. I mean, if you are divorcing, you're gonna need a plan. You mentioned that you don't want the divorce (and then shamed the hell out of yourself...saying you're weak etc. You're not) that you're dependent on your hub. I dunno. Maybe talk with your attorney and your folks about how to get a bit more in the drivers seat of this.
And pls. document the stuff like the keys in his pocket with 2 mini's. Maybe its nothing. But it sure is messed up. And write it down...don't go off memory. keep a diary, date, time, event. I say this from experience.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
How are you doing BabesCake?
I hope you are hanging there, don't give up on yourself OK?
I have had some real rough patches in life too but you know what?
Looking back I'm completely impressed I made it and the rough times are part of what makes me what I am today (and I like that person).
Don't drink no matter what and keep checking base with us.
I hope you are hanging there, don't give up on yourself OK?
I have had some real rough patches in life too but you know what?
Looking back I'm completely impressed I made it and the rough times are part of what makes me what I am today (and I like that person).
Don't drink no matter what and keep checking base with us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Sorry BC for what you are going throuugh. Remember however that you cannot control another person, you can only take care of your own behaviour. Take your eyes of him and focus on yourself and working on your own sobriety. It is not enough for you to stay sober you also have to change the behaviours that got you drinking first of all. Keep going to AA, keep on your journey, leave your STBEXH's journey to him. Take care
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