mumther911

i hope u don't mind...cuz i am the alcoholic...but i was hoping to get advice from this forum.
my drinking became an issue during my mother's last days and death. it's been almost a year. After 2 rehabs, i still could not quit. after leaving the stove on all night, my family asked me to leave for a year. I said i would go away for a month. The month is up. i have been sober all but the 1st night.
how can i win my family back. what should i say when i walk in the door. i will be devastated if the hate me or ignore me.. pls help me

biminiblue

I'm also an alcoholic in recovery.

If your family said a year and you are thinking a month is long enough, I would caution you to not expect much if you go back looking for everything to be fixed.

We do damage to our relationships when we become problem drinkers. It takes time to heal relationships. Some of them cannot be healed.

Are you going to recovery meetings or therapy? What are you doing (other than not drinking) to change your view of life and how to live it peacefully with others? If you feel you will be devastated, maybe wait till you're stronger emotionally.

At a month I was very raw and the last thing I wanted was any type of confrontation. Just check your expectations at the door. Any big emotions can lead to a drink, so it was super important for me to be certain of my motivations and to not expect anything at all from anyone else.

SparkleKitty

I should the first step would be respecting the terms they asked for instead of negotiating it down.

The next step is giving 110% percent to your recovery. While 1 day shy of 1 month sober is an impressive first step, your family's memories may still be very fresh, and they are likely going to need to see big changes, not just hear big promises.

DontRemember

I'm also in recovery and I know at a month sober my head was still a mess. It took me a good 3-4 months to 'level out' some and now at 14mo?(I don't count days) I'm pretty 'normal' as far as emotions and no longer wanting to drink. As was mentioned..are you in a recovery program or just not drinking?

mumther911

yes i am doing AA. I dont think i can remain sober without my husbands support.
living alone and missing my kids only makes me want to drink more.
It would also be a financial burden. i am so ashamed and remorseful. But i see your point on honoring their wishes.

PeacefulWater12

I think honouring their wishes are important. Then show them with actions not words that you have changed. It takes trust a long time to come back.

I am an A too, it took several years for my family to trust me again. I am nearly 8 years sober and am grateful to be able to say I have a fantastic relationship with them now. I didn't push it, I took it at their speed.

CentralOhioDad

Your husband is not responsible for your sobriety, and it should not be his responsibility to support you for you to become well. This should be about you and what you want.

It's not a bargaining situation where you say, "Husband, you support me and I will get well. Otherwise, no." That's not recovery.

Instead of saying: living alone and missing my kids only makes me want to drink more. Maye say it as: "Living alone and being away from my kids has given me greater resolve to get myself better and healthy because it is the RIGHT thing to do".

SparkleKitty

I am very sorry this is so painful for you. Part of this journey, for you, is going to be learning how to live with painful feelings without drinking over them. Your husband can support you in his way--but your AA comrades are far better equipped to support your recovery than he is. They have been there and they understand.

Your family needs the time and space to heal and pursue their OWN recovery from living with this family disease of alcoholism. It is just as valid and important as your own, and it is separate from your own.

Bringing everyone back together before they are ready would be a breeding ground for resentment on all sides. The marriages that survive addiction are the ones where everyone is allowed to get what they need to recover.

tomsteve

good on ya for doing AA- doing something to recover.
heres a little from my story:
flash forward to 4/20/05. i was with a woman i had planned on marrying. we were staying at her sisters house as her sister was near then end of her battle with cancer( her sister was a frined of mine before we hooked up). i started drinking and poppin viccy's early in the day. i recall goin back up the the store for my 3rd 12 pack about 4 ish in the afternoon. the rest of the day was a blackout. when i passed back in the next morning, i was told what i had done and said, which wasnt the 1st time i had done or said this. then i was told, "get out!!! get the mother f**k out!!!" i didnt argue.packed a quick bag of clothes and left( luckily i was able to go back to our house where we were living). i was still drunk from the nite before.
as that day wore on, the 4 horseman appeared. the pain of getting drunk finally exceeded the pain of reality. i finally got it from my head to my heart that alcohol was the problem and i had to do something about is. i was desperate.

i ended up in AA. crushed,broken, remorseful,ashamed and hating everything about myself and my life.
i wasnt getting help for anyone but myself.
and my family? i saw them about 2-3 weeks into the journey. sitting at my sisters kitchen table i bought up i was getting help. my brother in law got up and walked away. my sister rolled her eyes. my family had heard it many times before and i really couldnt blame them for their apprehension.
a few years into recovery, my neice bought a house. she asked if i could come and refinish the floors before they moved in.
after 3 days of work, the job was done and we were having a bar b que in their new backyard. sitting around, stories of my drinking "expeditions" ( ) came up. we did quite a bit of laughing about it and i even added some they didnt know about.
then my neice asks,"unlce tom, how long have you been sober now?"
"oh, about 6 years."
" im very glad you got sober because if you didnt you wouldnt be here and i like the uncle tom thats here today."

the ONLY reason i was able to get my family back was through footwork and T.I.M.E= Things I Must Earn
i didnt do the footwork for them- i did it for me.

mumther, on this:
I dont think i can remain sober without my husbands support.

you may THINK that, but not all thoughts are true- as is with this one.
what does his support look like to you?
if you want to get sober for you and you alone, you can get sober without your husbands support. you can do more than that- you can recover.

on this:
living alone and missing my kids only makes me want to drink more.
i think its more the feelings being brought up and not the living arrangements. it very well could be feelings youve experienced before that ya used alcohol to TRY and stop the feelings, yet it didnt work?

keep going to AA. get phone numbers from others in the meetings and call them.read the big book. pray to whatever HP you may have.start working the steps(preferably with a sponsor). repeat.
a little something from the big book:

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you - until then.

Ladybird579

my family asked me to leave for a year. I said i would go away for a month.

I think you should do what your family asked and stay away for the year. They need time to heal and decide what they want from life and you need to time have some solid recovery under your belt so they believe you are serious. 29 days sober is very little time. You can't "win them back" by doing as you please.

I dont think i can remain sober without my husbands support.
living alone and missing my kids only makes me want to drink more.

You are going to have too cos it's not your husbands job to support you to become sober or stay sober or you children's job to make you feel better. Your sobriety is your battle and yours alone. I'd think long and hard before I went home if I were in your shoes. I don't think you are going to get a very good welcome. My exah used to come back way too quickly from stints of getting sober and it never worked. I just got angrier and angrier that he wouldn't respect my wishes.

Wamama48

First let me congratulate you on taking that huge step to stop. It must feel like you're at the base of Mr Everest looming up to the summit.....one long, hard climb. But you are on your way, don't stop! My husband quit drinking 5 weeks ago. So I can give you the viewpoint from the effects of the family side. I'm not being critical of you personally, just saying what effects alcoholism has on the family. Your family asked for a year, you are ready after a month. Respect their boundaries. You had the chance to make your choices in the past. You chose alcohol. This is no longer about YOU, or about what YOU need. There has been so much damage done, your family needs time to heal. You miss your children terribly, but PUT THEM FIRST, let them heal. You can do this, keep climbing!!!

aliciagr

Im sorry for the loss of your mom. Have you also looked into any type of professional therapy for yourself?

I can only share my thoughts but here goes. I wouldnt necessarily want my husband to stay away a year. And I wouldnt expect him to be separated from his children IF he was in condition to be around them. It might be restricted for their safety and emotional health but that is all. What I would care about is that he recognized the problem, and is actively taking measures to get it under control, and also working on emotional issues that might have caused him to turn to alcohol in the first place. So showing what he was doing to address the problem and being able to show consistency, and progress.

Emotions often tangle things up and family can be very angry. So that is something you may have to expect and my only advice is to stay as calm as possible, keep it simple, be willing to work with him and establish ground rules that make him feel comfortable. Be honest, and as open as possible, be willing to answer questions as best you can. Share what challenges you have. Invite him to an open AA meeting if he wants to go, suggest family therapy (what is what I did with my husband). Im sure you do miss your family and often unless there are really bad dynamics family can be a great support to those in recovery.

Great job on getting to one month, keep going and my guess is things will fall into place soon.

HoldOnLoosely

Welcome and well done with one month sobriety. It's a challenging time in your life and a lot of us empathize. I commend you for your thread and wanting to find ways to win your family back. It's going to take time. Try to respect their wishes in the meantime.

I think we'll probably come at your question from our own unique experiences. I would say based on my experience - consistent actions over a period of time (such as abstinence, continued AA and/or therapy), transparency, humility, honesty and respect for any boundaries would be meaningful to your family.

Have you asked your family? It looks like your family set one boundary at the moment (in one year). Early recovery is challenging for everyone involved and family members have to work through a lot too. I sure did. I needed time to work through everything related to my STBXH's alcoholism. I wish you the best. There's a lot of wisdom on this site and I believe you'll get a lot of wonderful responses.

velma929

What I hear is, "It's somebody else's fault I drink." You had your family's support through two rehabs. It didn't change anything then, and it won't change anything now.

Nope, nope, nope.

Sleepyhollo

It is great that you are 30 days sober, BUT 30 days in the grand scheme of things is nothing, especially after having failed two rehabs. That doesn't mean you won't stay sober this time but it is going to take a lot more time for your family to see that it is going to stick this time. My now RAH was sober for 13 months, except for he didn't do anything but not drink which lead to his relapse, once again.
I was there for my H every time he quit drinking and would like to think I was supportive. Except he never worked a program and it never lasted long. Your husband cannot help you stay sober. Only you can. I also recommend that you get individual therapy with someone who has an addiction background. It sounds like your mother illness and death triggered a lot of this and AA will not help you with that more than likely. I can tell you my H would never have gotten where he is at right now only with AA (but he was an alcoholic for many more years so lifelong dysfunction).
Actions speak louder than words. Your family needs to see that in addition to not drinking you are also changing as a person. Quitting drinking usually is not enough as there are almost always underlying issues that people are self medicating.
Focus on you because that's what you need to do, if your family does not feel ready to have you back home you need to respect that. You have the opportunity to just focus on you and not have to deal with the day to day routine of taking care of kids and family. Use that time to really take care of you and staying sober. Your husband had no role in your sobriety really, you have to do it for you. I will admit I have not really been there for my RAH because I was really pretty much done with him the last time I confronted him and had really very much detached from him. But he has done great sobriety wise. It took a good 7 weeks in inpatient rehab before he finally started to see his dysfunctional and manipulative behavior. So like I said, 30 days is a good start but it is gonna take a lot more than that to show your family you have changed. I have no doubt it is hard for you to be away from your family. But better be away from them now for a few months and focus on getting better than going back now and relapsing again and potentially losing your family forever.

Spence7471

One comment on the duration that you have been asked to be away.... that is THEIR boundary, not yours... so to dictate otherwise is failing to show respect. However, what you can do is ask if they can revisit that duration after 3 months... if they say no, then you have to accept it... that is a consequence of your drinking and you need to be held accountable.

Based on my joint therapy sessions with my recovering wife, boundaries are a living entity.. they change over time... some of course will change very little, others, frequently as the recovery progresses.

One other think to keep in mind.. not sure how long your drinking was affecting the family, but if it was years, then you will need to keep in mind that it will take much longer to heal the family than 1 month.