Nome79

My husband told me he is Leaving again this week. This is the second time, he left previously in Aug of 2015 and returned in Feb of 2016. This time he is 4 months out of rehab. He was in for 30 days in October. He wanted to go, I supported him. He really seem to take to the programming. But only stayed sober for 6 weeks after he left. 6 weeks after he relapsed he was in the ER. He asked me to take him after a 3 day binge. Now two weeks later he wants to leave. Said he isn’t happy again. He is happy with me. That it doesn’t have anything to do with drinking. I know enough from rehab family program that this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his addiction to alcohol. He has strung the leaving out over 3 days now. He is going to be staying at his dads. And wants to keep all of our money and bills the same, which is me seems like he is trying to minamize the damage done while he is gone to make it easier to come back. He is all over the place. I am in counseling and am starting alanon this weekend. I should of started sooner. I told him to leave us be for a couple weeks to process this. The kids and I are heartbroken.

Bekindalways

Oh wow Nome, this must indeed be heartbreaking.

So glad to hear you are getting counseling and going to Alanon.

Let us know how you do and please keep the self care on high priority!

Sailorgirl57

That sounds pretty rough, Nome. Sorry you are facing this. Are there any fun or nurturing activities you can do with your kind do while he’s gone? Sending you love and hugs. Sailor.

53500

Nome, this is such a hurtful way to treat you and your kids. Come and go, come and go as it suits him and assume you'll be there waiting. You don't have to be at the mercy of his instability. Consider taking charge and YOU be the one to make decisions. You can tell him his behavior is not acceptable and don't come back. I don't think you're ready for that but it's an option.

It's great you're going to counseling and AlAnon. Put your children and yourself first. God bless.

maia1234

Nome,
I am sorry, but you know that you don't have to accept this. Hit some meeting and work on your program. You know that if you continue your relationship this way that it will never change. The old rule of thumb... wash rinse repeat.

Take this time, work on you and believe people when they show you who they are. Hugs

honeypig

Nome, welcome to SR. I see you joined back in October but only posted once. It looks like maybe you're beginning to accept that all this is real, not a bad dream that will go away...I know that feeling well, of unreality, of "this CAN'T be happening." As much as it sucked when I realized it WAS for real and WAS happening, it was the absolutely necessary first step in starting my own recovery.

Since you've been here at SR, have you taken the opportunity to read through the stickies at the top of the page as well as reading around the forum in general? In the time I've been on SR, it seems to me that the people who get the most benefit from this site are the ones who actively participate, reading and posting on other threads as well as their own.

I'm glad you're getting help IRL, and I hope you'll post about how things go at Alanon. There is definitely help and hope, and you CAN get there.

Givenup2018

Nome, sorry that this is happening. However, you need to educate yourself quickly as to what alcoholism is and how it affects the family. YOu have to take care of yourself and the kids, set boundaries with your AH, do not let him simply come and go as he pleases. Setting boundaries and putting space between you and him will help you create a safe space and get some normality back in your life. You cannot control alcoholism, nor can you control him. Let him go for now, work on yourself through al anon and be there for the kids. Get off the roller coaster.

Nome79

Thank you for all the replies, they are very encouraging and helpful to hear. I found out last night that he also has been talking to a girl he met at the casino when he was there gambling and drinking. It’s been going on a couple weeks at least but I think it may have contributed to his waffling on wether or not he was going to leave. Then on Valentine’s Day he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. And the messages I found were written to her on Valentine’s Day. It pretty much sealed the deal for me. I just need him to get the rest of his stuff and leave. I know it’s a disease and he is sick but I can’t support him anymore. He is selfish and self serving. He needs to leave us alone for awhile. The kids and I need time to heal.

honeypig

Cheating and alcoholism are 2 separate things, Nome. Know what you get when a cheater sobers up? Yep, a sober cheater.

I'm not making light of your situation. MANY of us here have blamed every single bad thing about our A on alcohol, and then come to find out later that while alcohol was A problem, it was not the ONLY problem, by far...

But you are right, you need to get some space and time away from him so you can get your head on straight and make decisions about what you want and don't want in your life, going forward.

Again, if you are able to read around the F&F forum, I think you'll see many other stories that will resonate w/you.

velma929

"He is going to be staying at his dads. And wants to keep all of our money and bills the same, which is me seems like he is trying to minamize the damage done while he is gone to make it easier to come back. "

Yep. Maybe he's not the relationship type. Remaining married to you makes it credible when he tells girlfriend he's "going to give his marriage one final chance" because after all, he told her he was separated, not divorced. Ya can't fault a fellow for giving his marriage one last try.

That's why I didn't date men who were separated. That's why I feel the whole "we need a break"concept is bogus. In my observation, the person who suggests the break has already cut a new pony from the herd. He or she just wants the former partner hanging in there in case it doesn't work out. YMMV of course.

DontRemember

After my divorce, whenever I was dating someone and she'd hit me with the "I think we need a break..not a breakup..just a break." My response was/is always: "what's his name?" The look on their face is comical.