Most Recent and Unexpected relapse... how do I begin to cope?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 4
Most Recent and Unexpected relapse... how do I begin to cope?
I am new to this website and stumbled across it while doing some research on articles on how to deal with my husband’s most recent relapse. He is a heroin and benzo addict. He has been to rehab 7 times over the course of 7 years. We have been together 5, married for 1.
He is still off of heroin, but had a relapse today on a synthetic benzo via IV after 5 months of complete sobriety. To say it’s hit me hard is an understatement. He was arrested twice and hospitalized twice 5 months ago, leading to his last rehab stint and is currently in IOP 3 days a week. He was doing so damn well. Working the program, making sober friends, and we were creating this beautiful open dialogue of communication that we haven’t had in a long time. I’m sure you’ve all felt this way, but just this morning I was thinking how happy I was to trust him again and how proud of him i was. I picked him up from IOP, he immediately went to our bathroom and I became suspicious after him being in there for 30 minutes. I knocked and knocked and got the door open, to find him slumped over on the floor, needle on the ground. My heart sank and I felt like I was going to throw up. I’ve found him like this too many times to count and I really wasn’t expecting this at all. No triggers that I knew of, no warning sign... I even just asked him a few days before if he had been having cravings and let him know he could always turn to me and I would never judge him for it. I grabbed my son and we left for the day. I came home tonight to him passed out on the floor. I put him to bed and told our 3 year old that dad wasn’t feeling well and he’s been asleep ever since.
I’m sorry for writing a novel... And I don’t exactly know what I’m asking for... but if anyone has any insight as to how to deal with the hundredth relapse and how to remain calm, supportive, and not get overly emotional and angry when we speak tomorrow, I would appreciate advice on that. I love him and he is a wonderful person... just not like this. What is my next step? What’s a healthy boundary? My heart is broken again and i don’t know how the hell to cope right now. Thanks everyone.
He is still off of heroin, but had a relapse today on a synthetic benzo via IV after 5 months of complete sobriety. To say it’s hit me hard is an understatement. He was arrested twice and hospitalized twice 5 months ago, leading to his last rehab stint and is currently in IOP 3 days a week. He was doing so damn well. Working the program, making sober friends, and we were creating this beautiful open dialogue of communication that we haven’t had in a long time. I’m sure you’ve all felt this way, but just this morning I was thinking how happy I was to trust him again and how proud of him i was. I picked him up from IOP, he immediately went to our bathroom and I became suspicious after him being in there for 30 minutes. I knocked and knocked and got the door open, to find him slumped over on the floor, needle on the ground. My heart sank and I felt like I was going to throw up. I’ve found him like this too many times to count and I really wasn’t expecting this at all. No triggers that I knew of, no warning sign... I even just asked him a few days before if he had been having cravings and let him know he could always turn to me and I would never judge him for it. I grabbed my son and we left for the day. I came home tonight to him passed out on the floor. I put him to bed and told our 3 year old that dad wasn’t feeling well and he’s been asleep ever since.
I’m sorry for writing a novel... And I don’t exactly know what I’m asking for... but if anyone has any insight as to how to deal with the hundredth relapse and how to remain calm, supportive, and not get overly emotional and angry when we speak tomorrow, I would appreciate advice on that. I love him and he is a wonderful person... just not like this. What is my next step? What’s a healthy boundary? My heart is broken again and i don’t know how the hell to cope right now. Thanks everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 12
I am going through something very similar. I haven't decided what my next step is. It feels like I'm in a nightmare that doesn't end. Since I got the news yesterday, I have tried to focus on me. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to you but to make your and your 3 year old's lives priority. I am praying, and waiting to have a clear mindset to make a decision of supporting him through this relapse, or end it because I do not have any hope he will become someone who is healthy and can provide for my desires.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Your circumstance is tragic but not uncommon. People change when they hurt enough and have to or learn enough and want to. I spent 44 years drinking and drugging only to look back and realize I had lost my values and purpose in life. People change when their values trump their addictions. A good therapist can help your husband understand his emotions and manage them. Find what he values or does not value.
God bless and good luck in finding one.
God bless and good luck in finding one.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
No advice, but you may benefit from my experience:
If I could go back in time, I would have prepared for the worst, rather than hoping for the best. I would have left my ex and made him prove he was sober for several months (at least) before letting him return, rather than demanding he be sober in order to stay (and then demanding it again when he failed to do so, and then again, and again). I would have let the courts know about the situation and what I was doing to protect my children from day one- by not doing so, I came very close to losing my children due to "failure to protect".
After so many years of revolving my life around my ex, and trying so hard to help him- what did I get in return? Him trying to frame me, saying I beat and drugged my kids and that I gave him nasal spray loaded with methamphetamine so he would fail his drug test. This is what addicts often do- deflect and deny. I could have never imagined this man who seemed to love me so much doing everything he can to destroy me. I guess in his mind the only way to make himself look good was to make me look worse.
Tread carefully. This person you think you know is capable of unspeakable evil. Addicts are practically possessed.
Many blessings.
If I could go back in time, I would have prepared for the worst, rather than hoping for the best. I would have left my ex and made him prove he was sober for several months (at least) before letting him return, rather than demanding he be sober in order to stay (and then demanding it again when he failed to do so, and then again, and again). I would have let the courts know about the situation and what I was doing to protect my children from day one- by not doing so, I came very close to losing my children due to "failure to protect".
After so many years of revolving my life around my ex, and trying so hard to help him- what did I get in return? Him trying to frame me, saying I beat and drugged my kids and that I gave him nasal spray loaded with methamphetamine so he would fail his drug test. This is what addicts often do- deflect and deny. I could have never imagined this man who seemed to love me so much doing everything he can to destroy me. I guess in his mind the only way to make himself look good was to make me look worse.
Tread carefully. This person you think you know is capable of unspeakable evil. Addicts are practically possessed.
Many blessings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it might be time to accept that he is still in active addiction and he isn't done yet. SEVEN rehabs? twice arrested and multiple trips to the hospital? sorry but that doesn't look like RECOVERY whatsoever....
since this has been his pattern over the course of the time you have been together, it has become your normal. oh look, there he is passed out on the floor again.
the wisest move you made was to take your CHILD and LEAVE. how is this any life or environment for a small child? how many times can you excuse the behavior with "daddy's sick and that is why is he face down on the floor right now"??
and is this the life YOU want to be living? waiting for the next needle to drop?
since this has been his pattern over the course of the time you have been together, it has become your normal. oh look, there he is passed out on the floor again.
the wisest move you made was to take your CHILD and LEAVE. how is this any life or environment for a small child? how many times can you excuse the behavior with "daddy's sick and that is why is he face down on the floor right now"??
and is this the life YOU want to be living? waiting for the next needle to drop?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
glad youre here.
but if anyone has any insight as to how to deal with the hundredth relapse
it seems it would be wise to do something for you and the child to make sure you dont have to be around or deal with #101.
how to remain calm, supportive, and not get overly emotional and angry when we speak tomorrow
im certain others can help with that. as far as supportive- how do you define supporting him?
but if anyone has any insight as to how to deal with the hundredth relapse
it seems it would be wise to do something for you and the child to make sure you dont have to be around or deal with #101.
how to remain calm, supportive, and not get overly emotional and angry when we speak tomorrow
im certain others can help with that. as far as supportive- how do you define supporting him?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
but if anyone has any insight as to how to deal with the hundredth relapse and how to remain calm, supportive, and not get overly emotional and angry when we speak tomorrow, I would appreciate advice on that. I love him and he is a wonderful person... just not like this. What is my next step? What’s a healthy boundary?
I always tried to stay calm when I talked to my husband by remembering he wasnt well. Our conversations always went better when I was as calm as possible which of course is hard to do. I tried to stick to the facts at hand. Ask questions in a way that made him less defensive.
Some of the things my husband tried for recovery just didnt work well for him. So I was questioning if each of the 7 rehabs were basically the same in what they were offering? Basically he needs to look for answers on what led up to it. Assuming he is somewhere on the path to change, has desire. Somehow something is missing in the recovery plan possibly? I guess that would be my focus. Addiction is very hard to treat, especially as it progresses. Im not one to automatically say the patient fails. Treatments often arent meeting patient needs. It can go both ways.
Is he on medication based treatment for the heroin/opiate part of it?
We each have to set our own boundaries. Once I had to move out of our home for a while. Now we have a child, and I will need to focus on the stability of our home if my husband suffers a relapse in the future. I know that is a broad explanation but it would really depend on what the relapse looks like. how long it lasts, behaviors.
I always tried to stay calm when I talked to my husband by remembering he wasnt well. Our conversations always went better when I was as calm as possible which of course is hard to do. I tried to stick to the facts at hand. Ask questions in a way that made him less defensive.
Some of the things my husband tried for recovery just didnt work well for him. So I was questioning if each of the 7 rehabs were basically the same in what they were offering? Basically he needs to look for answers on what led up to it. Assuming he is somewhere on the path to change, has desire. Somehow something is missing in the recovery plan possibly? I guess that would be my focus. Addiction is very hard to treat, especially as it progresses. Im not one to automatically say the patient fails. Treatments often arent meeting patient needs. It can go both ways.
Is he on medication based treatment for the heroin/opiate part of it?
We each have to set our own boundaries. Once I had to move out of our home for a while. Now we have a child, and I will need to focus on the stability of our home if my husband suffers a relapse in the future. I know that is a broad explanation but it would really depend on what the relapse looks like. how long it lasts, behaviors.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
it might be time to accept that he is still in active addiction and he isn't done yet. SEVEN rehabs? twice arrested and multiple trips to the hospital? sorry but that doesn't look like RECOVERY whatsoever....
since this has been his pattern over the course of the time you have been together, it has become your normal. oh look, there he is passed out on the floor again.
the wisest move you made was to take your CHILD and LEAVE. how is this any life or environment for a small child? how many times can you excuse the behavior with "daddy's sick and that is why is he face down on the floor right now"??
and is this the life YOU want to be living? waiting for the next needle to drop?
since this has been his pattern over the course of the time you have been together, it has become your normal. oh look, there he is passed out on the floor again.
the wisest move you made was to take your CHILD and LEAVE. how is this any life or environment for a small child? how many times can you excuse the behavior with "daddy's sick and that is why is he face down on the floor right now"??
and is this the life YOU want to be living? waiting for the next needle to drop?
I am sorry for your pain, I am sorry he continues to use (my son has used for about 20 years now) and that there may be no good end to it all.
Keeping yourself and your child safe are the most important things right now. God bless you both.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 4
Thank you
Thank you to everyone for your insight. It’s pushed me in a way I needed. Since that relapse, I’ve discovered that this is actually a bender and I think I need to leave him. I can’t get him to leave our house, and he hasn’t relapsed on heroin, so he isn’t in possession of any illegal substances and I don’t know what they could do. I don’t want to cause a commotion and scare my son having the police here. I just want him to ******* leave. I know I can’t stop his using, I know it’s his recovery and he will do it if he wants it. But right now, I don’t want him anywhere near us and I have no clue how to force him out of our home. Any insight? I’m terrified that this is it for us. I’m terrified it’s over. I think I’m addicted to him and his addiction, trying to save him, so I don’t even know how to exist right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think I’m addicted to him and his addiction, trying to save him, so I don’t even know how to exist right now.
7 rehabs in 7 years is a telling history and pretty good indicator of the future behavior, history doesn’t repeat itself – people repeat history.
This is no environment for a child to be in or you for that matter. Here’s the thing, if he’s using again which is clear he is, people around him are going to know, neighbors are going to know and when a small child is in that mix of two adults one choosing to shoot poison into their veins while the other stands by and watches, child protective services could enter the picture.
Plan A of him leaving quietly and peacefully is never going to happen so you need a plan B a plan C or even a plan D…………..and none of those plans should be based on him changing or doing a dam thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
since you are married it is crucial you get legal counsel on how to begin to separate the two of you. i'd be making calls TODAY. this is no longer about trying to SAVE the other adult, it is about protecting the home and environment that the three year old lives in. he has NO choice in how his parents behave.........nowhere to go, nowhere to hide.
whatever your husband is on, it's probably worse than you imagine. and it isn't fixable.......by you. he's had more than his share of chances and opportunities....it's time to look at and accept what his ACTIONS tell you.
whatever your husband is on, it's probably worse than you imagine. and it isn't fixable.......by you. he's had more than his share of chances and opportunities....it's time to look at and accept what his ACTIONS tell you.
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