CoParentToA

In late December, my relapsing-every-few months XAH did what I thought he would never do, and drove drunk with my kids. My babysitter caught him and contacted me. The kids have been with me since then, but we've not been able to agree what will happen longer term - he wants things to go back to normal now that he's "confident in his recovery." I just can't keep going back through this every few months. He's ALWAYS confident in his recovery right after a relapse.

So. The papers are signed and it's ready to file.

It's over 10 pages long detailing XAH's history of alcoholism and relapse. And that's after we pulled out a bunch of detail that may have been extraneous / irritated a judge - because XAH's attorney promised that he would not contest the alcoholism / relapse given more general allegations.

They are still pretty darn specific, and to see them all written out in paper is powerful, I think. He's going to be furious when he gets a copy.

I'm sad that we weren't able to negotiate an agreement and I had to go to a petition. But I feel like I did everything I could to avoid it.

Today he showed up to pick up the kids to walk them to school on foot, carrying a coffee. He seemed fine, not shaking or anything. But when he walks more than the mile from his apartment to my house, it's generally been a sign that he has been drinking and doesn't want to drive. The coffee also used to contain his vodka. So it's hard for me to not get triggered.

In semi-related news, a few days ago my six year old son suddenly started to obsess about black holes and specifically the worry that I would get sucked into one or that something else would happen to me. Serious separation anxiety, which is something he's never had. Up until late Dec, he's spent more than half his time living with his dad, so I am not sure if the whole situation is prompting this, or his anxiety is misplaced (meaning he's missing his dad but it's manifesting for me) or what is going on. He says he wants to talk to a doctor, and thankfully XAH is open to that. I have a call in to schedule something, hopefully soon.

Wisconsin

Keeping you in my heart today, CPTA. My AXH is the same way at times--he SEEMS willing to make certain acknowledgements about his mistakes "in the past," and vague general concessions that he MIGHT have a "problem" with alcohol "sometimes," but any time he was faced with specific facts about the things he has done, he completely loses his mind. I'm sure you are right that seeing everything in black and white in a ten-page legal filing will really get under his skin. My AXH would bleat about how unfair something like that was, because it would hurt his ability to work, and peoples' perception of him. My response to him has been "if you don't want people to think you're a piece of crap, then don't act like one."

Hang in there.

theuncertainty

(((hugs))) DS was 6 when I finally filed for divorce and started having to work through custody and visitation schedules with AXH. 6 tends to be a transition age as they move towards more independence. And their push for independence causes a bit of insecurity as they start to feel a bit less reliant on their parents. I'm not saying that it's all that's going on, but it could be a factor. Keeping our home rhythm on an even keel, as much as I could, helped DS through this age and everything that was going on with his father.

AnvilheadII

just a slight aside here.....but your six year old comprehends the concept of black holes??? that is pretty amazing.

CentralOhioDad

Mine does. He loves to watch Discovery Channel and Science Channel. He's a geek, like his Dad...

CentralOhioDad

Praying that the judge sees him for what he is, and grants you everything for which you ask.

Learning14

Coparent: Really proud to read this!

CoParentToA

LOL! He's definitely a smart kid - and interested in science. When he started to worry about this, he watched a bunch of videos and read some things with my older stepson and my husband. So now he's at a point where he can articulate:

"I know it's not actually scientifically possible for a black hole to suck me or Mommy up, but I am still really worried. That's why I think I need to see a doctor - because I know it won't happen, but it still scares me a lot."

Personally I am proud of him for being able to articulate how he feels at this age, and also that he can ask for help for something that he knows isn't right. He is really his "father's son" in so many ways, and I'm already haunted by the fear that he could decide to self-medicate in the way that his dad (who had undiagnosed depression and anxiety) did.

But his father grew up pretending to the world that everything was ok, and I am so glad that my son does not feel this pressure.

CentralOhioDad

Tell him this: The closest black hole we know of is V616 Monocerotis, also known as V616 Mon. It's located about 3,000 light years away, and has between 9-13 times the mass of the Sun. We know it's there because it's located in a binary system with a star with about half the mass of the Sun. Which means it is 17,597,088,000,000,000 miles away.

From COD Geek

BlownOne

Saying he's "confident in his recovery" is like saying he's confident he will never get cancer. For most alcoholics, fear of complacency is far more productive than confidence. At least it is for me. I've seen plenty of people with lots and lots of confidence in their recovery fall flat. Sounds like he's going about it half a**ed at best.
You don't have anything to feel guilty about. You're doing the right thing. Trust in your instincts. We have them for a reason. =)

hopeful4

COD....you're so awesome.

I am praying that the judge is as concerned with addiction as he/she should be. Big hugs!

CoParentToA

I am 99% sure that my stepson, biggest geek in our house, shared exactly this information over dinner last night. Hard to say exactly since I tuned out!! ; )

wehav2day

Oooooooohhhh the nerdiness on this thread!!!!! Swoon!!! I’m more of a biology geek, but oh the nerdiness makes me sooooo happy!!!

Sorry to digress....

Coparent, you did what you had to do to protect your kids. That’s as simple as it gets. If he gets pissed off, it might look like anger at you (and probably some is), It but he’s probably plenty mad at himself. On some level, even deep in addiction, an alcoholic knows where the consequences are coming from. The booze. They just can’t make it stop, which is super frustrating. That isn’t your fault though, he’s gotta figure it out. Or not. In the meantime, your kids are safe and loved.

Sasha1972

You are doing the right thing absolutely. Your ex can do/say whatever he wants, but you're looking out for the kids based on what you know to be true. He may get mad at you because you have punctured his illusion that he can "have it all" - be drunk and be a parent. But no, he has to choose, and he didn't choose "be a parent".

You are not the cause of his anger - you are only the vehicle for the consequences of his drinking.

I too love the science stuff!

CoParentToA

I saw him today and he was fine. So I emailed my attorney and asked if he had seen the petition yet. No, but he should see it later today. He's actually leaving town on a retreat, which could be a good thing or could backfire completely.

I am guessing at least that an AA sponsor or community wouldn't respond to his complaints with, "Wow, she's a real piece of work, I cannot believe she's doing that to you!" But the men at this retreat certainly could.

At any rate, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and now I know by the next time I see him, he'll have read the petition.

I found a doctor for my son, he will visit her next Monday. He says he hope she "has the anecdote" to his worries. : )

DontRemember

Came in to offer my support for Op. Now leaving after I've learned about black holes.

tomsteve

if the men on the retreat are in recovery too and have worked the steps, i could see a response like," thats gotta be a bugger, but thats one of the consequences you probably werent thinking about when you were drinking. now onto solutions and they dont involve her."

even if responses are negative, who cares? their OPINION of you without all the facts isnt worth the time or energy.

CoParentToA

The retreat is religious, but not men in recovery. I'm really not worried about THEIR opinions per se - it's more that I've seen the impact others can have on getting him riled up or helping to calm him down. Just want to be mentally prepared for what he's going to unload on me so I can stay calm, not engage, etc. Best thing to do is probably just prepare for the worst!

DontRemember

I learned the 'blank stare' very well after I got sober and my exwf(I was sober when married) and Agf(ex) would go off on a dry drunk/drunk rant about whatever nonsense she(they) had either concocted in her mind or been 'fed' to by a friend who only got the exwf and exAgf 'truths'. Like a "what the hell are you babelling about,now?" stare. It seemed to end the "nonversation" quicker than me 'defending' or re-explaining the actual facts..again.. Ain't nobody gots time fo that!

Nome79

I am sorry your going through this. I too, am having to concider filing custody papers. My Daughter is 6 and is having a hard time with my AH leaving us again. He has been drinking, drinking and driving. He is talking to a girl he met at the casino when he was drinking and gambling, when he was suppose to be home with the kids. He was in the ER two weeks ago after a 3 day binge and I just don’t know if it’s safe for him to go with him at all at this point. He is 3 months out of rehab and is not working any program. He thinks he is fine.