Called me from hospital
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Called me from hospital
After over a month of him gone, xABF called me from the hospital this morning. I have been doing okay trying to move on with the not knowing and the anxiety producing thoughts of him dead somewhere, but alas, he finally surfaced. I knew the binges were getting worse, but this was his longest stretch by far. I didn't pick up but he left a voicemail that he's been admitted to the hospital for amputation of some toes. He also was beaten (broken ribs, stabbed) after spending a month on the street with the bottle. It's very cold here in the Midwest and with all the snow we got plus living in a high crime city, none of his experience surprised me. Just made me sad at the tragedy addiction wreaks havoc on. I felt sad of the bad-to-worse that has become his life.
When I listened to his message I was at first relieved and felt that final weight I've been waiting to lift off of me. I went into the shower and in a matter of moments that "phew, so glad he is alive so now I can move on"....turned into..."what do I do now with this information? I thought I was waiting for this call, but now that it's come I don't want it because I don't know what to do with it"... Thoughts flooded my mind about what he is going to do. Will he go back on the streets if he has no place to go? Will he go to his mom for help and please God let her help him. What if she doesn't help him and he turns to me for shelter? How do I come to terms that I absolutely cannot have him with me in my home while being okay with him being homeless and sick? Please know I am not looking for advice on what to do. I know what to do. I know I cannot have him in my home nor can I save him or rescue him or make it all better. I am simply asking, how do I contend with these feelings?
How do I sit with them and feel okay when a person I care for may very well come to me and ask for help that I can't give for my own sake?
I still feel this gaping wide wound of limbo. Of never feeling emotionally settled. Of being in one dark place while he was in his dry months, knowing it was going to collapse again, to being in another dark place of him going missing without a trace, to being in this one now - still feeling powerless and unable to contend with where I am supposed to be.
When I listened to his message I was at first relieved and felt that final weight I've been waiting to lift off of me. I went into the shower and in a matter of moments that "phew, so glad he is alive so now I can move on"....turned into..."what do I do now with this information? I thought I was waiting for this call, but now that it's come I don't want it because I don't know what to do with it"... Thoughts flooded my mind about what he is going to do. Will he go back on the streets if he has no place to go? Will he go to his mom for help and please God let her help him. What if she doesn't help him and he turns to me for shelter? How do I come to terms that I absolutely cannot have him with me in my home while being okay with him being homeless and sick? Please know I am not looking for advice on what to do. I know what to do. I know I cannot have him in my home nor can I save him or rescue him or make it all better. I am simply asking, how do I contend with these feelings?
How do I sit with them and feel okay when a person I care for may very well come to me and ask for help that I can't give for my own sake?
I still feel this gaping wide wound of limbo. Of never feeling emotionally settled. Of being in one dark place while he was in his dry months, knowing it was going to collapse again, to being in another dark place of him going missing without a trace, to being in this one now - still feeling powerless and unable to contend with where I am supposed to be.
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That is a lot to take in. No advice, but I feel for you. I also hope from this point he will have access to the needed resources for help, and yes hope his mom will be there for him too. I can only imagine the emotions I would be feeling. Thinking of you, sending support.
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First, accept that you do not have to do anything about it.
All your "dark places" are tied to this unhealthy relationship.
You feel powerless because you ARE powerless--over him, over his addiction, over his fate. Accepting this isn't just the best option, it's your only option.
All your "dark places" are tied to this unhealthy relationship.
You feel powerless because you ARE powerless--over him, over his addiction, over his fate. Accepting this isn't just the best option, it's your only option.
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I'd be checking my home was secure and that there are no doors he has the keys to.
It's not like it was an "I've been in rehab and kicked the booze" phone call. Nothing has changed, give or take a few toes. And it wasn't them that were causing the grief.
Can you get to an AlAnon or CoDa meeting today? That could be a good move.
BB
It's not like it was an "I've been in rehab and kicked the booze" phone call. Nothing has changed, give or take a few toes. And it wasn't them that were causing the grief.
Can you get to an AlAnon or CoDa meeting today? That could be a good move.
BB
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Thank you for the help. I wasn't sure what to do. I have Alanon tonight and therapy tomorrow. House is locked and I live in a secure building with guards at the door. I don't think he would show up so am not too concerned. I will keep praying to accept the powerlessness (my codie voice keeps saying - you have the power to help him off the streets and to be there, you just are choosing not to)
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Well obviously you do have the ability to take him off the streets and to be there--but over and over again your HP has shown you that these band-aids of affection and caretaking only serve to set you up for a lifetime of repeat performances, and make no difference in his ability to get and stay sober and repair his life.
THAT is the part you have to accept.
THAT is the part you have to accept.
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 
I will keep praying to accept the powerlessness (my codie voice keeps saying - you have the power to help him off the streets and to be there, you just are choosing not to)
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good on ya for not answering !
still feel this gaping wide wound of limbo. Of never feeling emotionally settled. Of being in one dark place while he was in his dry months, knowing it was going to collapse again, to being in another dark place of him going missing without a trace, to being in this one now - still feeling powerless and unable to contend with where I am supposed to be.
on that last part- you are right where youre supposed to be at this time. may not be where ya WANT to be, but IF you continue working on you, you will get there.
IF you break no contact, that wound will get bigger- pulling the bandaid off is going to hurt tremendously and the wound might get gangrene.
the wound HAS been healing,so please dont make it worse.
How do I sit with them and feel okay when a person I care for may very well come to me and ask for help that I can't give for my own sake?
i dont think you have to be okay with the feelings. seems it would be a little.....something...... to become ok with the feelings youre experience.
personally i think it would be better to accept the feelings are happening and theyre happening for a reason. they will help you. allow them to happen while not allowing them to control your actions.
as in allowing your feelings to pick up the phone thinking something will be different this time.
remember:
not my circus
not my monkey
still feel this gaping wide wound of limbo. Of never feeling emotionally settled. Of being in one dark place while he was in his dry months, knowing it was going to collapse again, to being in another dark place of him going missing without a trace, to being in this one now - still feeling powerless and unable to contend with where I am supposed to be.
on that last part- you are right where youre supposed to be at this time. may not be where ya WANT to be, but IF you continue working on you, you will get there.
IF you break no contact, that wound will get bigger- pulling the bandaid off is going to hurt tremendously and the wound might get gangrene.
the wound HAS been healing,so please dont make it worse.
How do I sit with them and feel okay when a person I care for may very well come to me and ask for help that I can't give for my own sake?
i dont think you have to be okay with the feelings. seems it would be a little.....something...... to become ok with the feelings youre experience.
personally i think it would be better to accept the feelings are happening and theyre happening for a reason. they will help you. allow them to happen while not allowing them to control your actions.
as in allowing your feelings to pick up the phone thinking something will be different this time.
remember:
not my circus
not my monkey
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In your shoes I hope my reaction would be:
"Hey, wow, guess I wasn't too clear with myself about what my boundaries are for this - I'd better revisit that issue." (otherwise you'd KNOW what your next steps were - block, ignore, AlAnon, whatever)
"Can you say quack, quack, quack....? After a month, at his most desperate hour he remembers my phone # just in time for me to rescue him?" How freaking-fracking convenient - total manipulation even if it's his knee-jerk, subconscious reaction.
"No - just, No - I'm done walking back through that dysfunctional door which holds NOTHING FOR ME - we are not married, have no joint lives together - this just shows me it is time to REALLY let go."
"Hey, wow, guess I wasn't too clear with myself about what my boundaries are for this - I'd better revisit that issue." (otherwise you'd KNOW what your next steps were - block, ignore, AlAnon, whatever)
"Can you say quack, quack, quack....? After a month, at his most desperate hour he remembers my phone # just in time for me to rescue him?" How freaking-fracking convenient - total manipulation even if it's his knee-jerk, subconscious reaction.
"No - just, No - I'm done walking back through that dysfunctional door which holds NOTHING FOR ME - we are not married, have no joint lives together - this just shows me it is time to REALLY let go."
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Yes, this!!!! He has to choice to go to a shelter. They may not let him drink, they may not allow him to steal from them. He will have to abide by RULES. If he has nothing he can qualify for Medicaid, he can go to treatment and get help. The hospital social workers can help him figure it out because it is their JOB, not yours friend.
You knew the phone call would come eventually. These are consequences of terrible choices. We all suffer the consequences of the actions we choose. It's not your job to rescue this man, but it is your job to make yourself the best you can be, and you know it's not with him.
Stay strong friend.
You knew the phone call would come eventually. These are consequences of terrible choices. We all suffer the consequences of the actions we choose. It's not your job to rescue this man, but it is your job to make yourself the best you can be, and you know it's not with him.
Stay strong friend.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you have the power to help him off the streets and to be there, you just are choosing not to
you mean.....HE has the power to HELP HIMSELF and chooses not to......
you mean.....HE has the power to HELP HIMSELF and chooses not to......
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This is part of the reason for blocking during no contact.
So you don't put yourself unnecessarily through all those questions about things that you have no control of. It helps...PROMISE!
And good job on not answering!
So you don't put yourself unnecessarily through all those questions about things that you have no control of. It helps...PROMISE!
And good job on not answering!
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
In your shoes I hope my reaction would be:
"Hey, wow, guess I wasn't too clear with myself about what my boundaries are for this - I'd better revisit that issue." (otherwise you'd KNOW what your next steps were - block, ignore, AlAnon, whatever)
"Can you say quack, quack, quack....? After a month, at his most desperate hour he remembers my phone # just in time for me to rescue him?" How freaking-fracking convenient - total manipulation even if it's his knee-jerk, subconscious reaction.
"No - just, No - I'm done walking back through that dysfunctional door which holds NOTHING FOR ME - we are not married, have no joint lives together - this just shows me it is time to REALLY let go."
"Hey, wow, guess I wasn't too clear with myself about what my boundaries are for this - I'd better revisit that issue." (otherwise you'd KNOW what your next steps were - block, ignore, AlAnon, whatever)
"Can you say quack, quack, quack....? After a month, at his most desperate hour he remembers my phone # just in time for me to rescue him?" How freaking-fracking convenient - total manipulation even if it's his knee-jerk, subconscious reaction.
"No - just, No - I'm done walking back through that dysfunctional door which holds NOTHING FOR ME - we are not married, have no joint lives together - this just shows me it is time to REALLY let go."
I so appreciate all the words from everyone. I never in my life expected to be touched by addiction. I never knew it before. It's a door I wish I never walked through because I could feel better not knowing it exists. That's the little girl in me talking.
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i know it probably sounds like i am THE most heartless wretch ever but....
After a month he ended up in the hospital and contacted me having no place to go
you are assuming that YOU are the ONLY Person he called, the ONLY person he reached out to, the ONLY person he's trying to schmooze to come and take care of his sorry butt.
ALL you know for sure is that he left you a voice mail. from.......somewhere. with another sob story. that is ALL you know......the small part where you and he intersect....not where he and the rest of the world intersect.
he's in the hospital for pete's sake (supposedly). how much more HELP could a guy get????
makes me think of the story with the last line:
“And I sent you a canoe, a boat and a helicopter. But you never got in.”
After a month he ended up in the hospital and contacted me having no place to go
you are assuming that YOU are the ONLY Person he called, the ONLY person he reached out to, the ONLY person he's trying to schmooze to come and take care of his sorry butt.
ALL you know for sure is that he left you a voice mail. from.......somewhere. with another sob story. that is ALL you know......the small part where you and he intersect....not where he and the rest of the world intersect.
he's in the hospital for pete's sake (supposedly). how much more HELP could a guy get????
makes me think of the story with the last line:
“And I sent you a canoe, a boat and a helicopter. But you never got in.”
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
I am simply asking, how do I contend with these feelings?
How do I sit with them and feel okay when a person I care for may very well come to me and ask for help that I can't give for my own sake?
How do I sit with them and feel okay when a person I care for may very well come to me and ask for help that I can't give for my own sake?
It's a horrible situation. You do care about this person but for your own sake you know you can't get mixed up in this drama again. So how do you reconcile doing nothing?
Think about it. Think of all the hell he has put you through. Not so that you can "blame" or make him "less than", I don't mean to imply he is some kind of demon. Just that you have done enough. You have no more to spare for him.
Now, i'm going to guess (and correct me if i'm wrong) that you sit there and think well i don't NEED anything from him (or possibly anyone) but I have <blank> to give (money, shelter, love, kindness). That's fine and nobel, to a point, however, what does that do to you.
Look at the hurt you have suffered. You may be somewhat numb now but look at the hurt. That is not a zero game. These things affect you they affect your life, your happiness.
Please look out for yourself.
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Smarie
You said above "he left a voicemail that he's been admitted to the hospital for amputation of some toes. He also was beaten (broken ribs, stabbed) after spending a month on the street with the bottle."
After a month of not hearing from him that's a very crazy voice message.
Question - did he ask you to do anything? if he didn't ask you to do anything - why do you feel you need to do anything?
FYI I completely understand the thoughts that are running through your head.
You said above "he left a voicemail that he's been admitted to the hospital for amputation of some toes. He also was beaten (broken ribs, stabbed) after spending a month on the street with the bottle."
After a month of not hearing from him that's a very crazy voice message.
Question - did he ask you to do anything? if he didn't ask you to do anything - why do you feel you need to do anything?
FYI I completely understand the thoughts that are running through your head.
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Originally Posted by HardLessons
Smarie
Question - did he ask you to do anything? if he didn't ask you to do anything - why do you feel you need to do anything?
FYI I completely understand the thoughts that are running through your head.
Question - did he ask you to do anything? if he didn't ask you to do anything - why do you feel you need to do anything?
FYI I completely understand the thoughts that are running through your head.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
I'm so impressed that you didn't pick up that phone Smarie. Wow.
Then the lady said he was admitted and asked if I wanted her to transfer me to his room. I just said 'no thank you', and hung up and I got on my bus to work. He hasn't tried to reach me again and the day is almost over so that is good. It was a step back I admit. But I did stop it and didn't call again and I promise myself I won't.
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Oh smarie, my heart hurts for you. What a lot To deal with.
You’ve had a lot of great advise already, let me just add to the chorus a little...
You did not PUT Hike on the streets. He disappeared into a bottle and put himself there. Conversely, you do not have the power to take him off the streets. If you had that power, he wouldn’t have disappeared in the first place. The first time.
You can’t love us sober. You can’t wish us sober. We have to do it ourselves, and a lot of us don’t make it. I hope he does, I really really do. But it has to be him. Taking him in will not help him. Sounds counterintuitive but it’s true.
If it were as easy as our partners wanting us sober, I would have quit the second my drinking got out of control. My parter is lovely, but she couldn’t do it and would never, ever deserve to be put in that role.
You’ve had a lot of great advise already, let me just add to the chorus a little...
You did not PUT Hike on the streets. He disappeared into a bottle and put himself there. Conversely, you do not have the power to take him off the streets. If you had that power, he wouldn’t have disappeared in the first place. The first time.
You can’t love us sober. You can’t wish us sober. We have to do it ourselves, and a lot of us don’t make it. I hope he does, I really really do. But it has to be him. Taking him in will not help him. Sounds counterintuitive but it’s true.
If it were as easy as our partners wanting us sober, I would have quit the second my drinking got out of control. My parter is lovely, but she couldn’t do it and would never, ever deserve to be put in that role.
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