Dating again after relationship with alcoholic
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Dating again after relationship with alcoholic
Hi SR Friends!
Even though I'm still not technically divorced yet, I've decided to stick my neck back out there after being separated for 17 months but feeling alone for a lot longer than that. After a year of therapy and all of the wisdom I've gained from all of you plus a lot of self-care, I feel more enlightened, I feel stronger, I feel like I'm in a healthier place than ever before in my life.
I went on a date recently and I am not going to lie, I was pretty emotional before the date. I had a good cry. Not because I missed my ex but more just because I was sad of how everything turned out with him that I was having to date again. How everything I had hoped to be will never be with my ex. ( I do understanding everything I had hoped was never possible too)
honestly, my experience on the date was so refreshing and wonderful. He was nice, engaging, ambitious in his life, and seems like he is interested in living life to the fullest. His personality was so opposite from my STBXAH, it was like night and day. This new guy from what I can tell is healthy. Obviously, it is still very early on but I feel much more in tune than every before.
It caused me to reflect on what attracted me to my ex almost ten years ago....It's hard to stomach those reflections. I was physically attracted to him, yes, but I think I felt a sense of purpose to take care of him and at the time that was enough. I didn't think to look for someone who could take care of me in return. I didn't know I could look or ask for that, UGH!
The new guy asked me out again which is exciting. I'm interested to learn more but I will not lie, I'm nervous. I'm nervous that the baggage of an alcoholic ex will be too much for people.
I have this yearning for a relationship for someone who can take care of me in equal parts to me taking care of them and the fear that a. no one will be able to/want to and b. I won't know how to receive it if they do
Does this resonate with anyone? Does anyone have some guidance?
Even though I'm still not technically divorced yet, I've decided to stick my neck back out there after being separated for 17 months but feeling alone for a lot longer than that. After a year of therapy and all of the wisdom I've gained from all of you plus a lot of self-care, I feel more enlightened, I feel stronger, I feel like I'm in a healthier place than ever before in my life.
I went on a date recently and I am not going to lie, I was pretty emotional before the date. I had a good cry. Not because I missed my ex but more just because I was sad of how everything turned out with him that I was having to date again. How everything I had hoped to be will never be with my ex. ( I do understanding everything I had hoped was never possible too)
honestly, my experience on the date was so refreshing and wonderful. He was nice, engaging, ambitious in his life, and seems like he is interested in living life to the fullest. His personality was so opposite from my STBXAH, it was like night and day. This new guy from what I can tell is healthy. Obviously, it is still very early on but I feel much more in tune than every before.
It caused me to reflect on what attracted me to my ex almost ten years ago....It's hard to stomach those reflections. I was physically attracted to him, yes, but I think I felt a sense of purpose to take care of him and at the time that was enough. I didn't think to look for someone who could take care of me in return. I didn't know I could look or ask for that, UGH!
The new guy asked me out again which is exciting. I'm interested to learn more but I will not lie, I'm nervous. I'm nervous that the baggage of an alcoholic ex will be too much for people.
I have this yearning for a relationship for someone who can take care of me in equal parts to me taking care of them and the fear that a. no one will be able to/want to and b. I won't know how to receive it if they do
Does this resonate with anyone? Does anyone have some guidance?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
One day at a time, BAW.
It takes months to know someone well enough to make any kind of decisions.
Just go on the second date. Don't bring an overnight bag.
More will be revealed. I think your thoughts are common - but - one day at a time.
It takes months to know someone well enough to make any kind of decisions.
Just go on the second date. Don't bring an overnight bag.
More will be revealed. I think your thoughts are common - but - one day at a time.
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Location: W Washington
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just take it slow....take time to get to KNOW the other person and remember people are usually on best behavior on first dates. lot more chapters to the book!!
it sounds like it was a very nice experience for you!! i chuckled a bit at crying before hand, not laughing AT your tears...it just reminded me of an NFL player whose name i can't recall, who said he always carried TWO helmets out onto the field - one to wear and one in case he threw up, cuz he was always a bag of nerves before games.
it sounds like it was a very nice experience for you!! i chuckled a bit at crying before hand, not laughing AT your tears...it just reminded me of an NFL player whose name i can't recall, who said he always carried TWO helmets out onto the field - one to wear and one in case he threw up, cuz he was always a bag of nerves before games.
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Thank you, Anvilhead. HA, yeah crying before a date...ugh.
I hope I didn't misrepresent myself in wanting to jump right into a serious relationship with this person. I completely agree that I need to take it slow and listen to myself. I became very good at ignoring the voices and pushing through with my ex and past relationships that didn't serve me.
I have every intention of taking it slow, almost treating this as an experiment paying a lot of attention to how I feel and why I feel certain ways. After crawling through the gutter for so long, I am not looking to rush right back. Hell, I don't think I every want to marry anyone again, what an expensive mess!
We will see.....and as you've all taught me, time will tell.
I hope I didn't misrepresent myself in wanting to jump right into a serious relationship with this person. I completely agree that I need to take it slow and listen to myself. I became very good at ignoring the voices and pushing through with my ex and past relationships that didn't serve me.
I have every intention of taking it slow, almost treating this as an experiment paying a lot of attention to how I feel and why I feel certain ways. After crawling through the gutter for so long, I am not looking to rush right back. Hell, I don't think I every want to marry anyone again, what an expensive mess!
We will see.....and as you've all taught me, time will tell.
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Good for you! I would only say to disclose your situation as best as you can early on before feelings start growing, in addition to being very alert for those red(even pink) flags. While I really don't know what that would matter since my xAbf told me everything on the second date - that he was still legally married (separated), a recovering alcoholic, had a son, etc. In those early days hormones tend to win over logic so just be very careful so you can ensure this experience is only that of positivity as you certainly do not need to invite in more pain. Sounds like a nice time so far and well-deserved. Just keep as much as you can on the table and protect yourself, but also have some fun 
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sorry, by disclosing I don't neccesarily mean reading him a memoir of your life with an addict on date #2. I just mean you can simply say, "I am coming out of a challenging time in my life and your company is very pleasant and refreshing" (or something like that!). He doesn't need to know details this early on, but general honesty is good so he too can make a healthy decision.
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Smarie - I understand what you mean. I am sure the fact that I am (almost) divorced with a two-year old implies that something was wrong. I am struggling with how and what to say when asked... the best response I've developed in my head is:
"My ex is unwell and was unwilling to take the necessary steps to get better. I left the marriage because ultimately, he threatened my safety and my child's safety."
too much?
"My ex is unwell and was unwilling to take the necessary steps to get better. I left the marriage because ultimately, he threatened my safety and my child's safety."
too much?
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Originally Posted by BAW81 
Smarie - I understand what you mean. I am sure the fact that I am (almost) divorced with a two-year old implies that something was wrong. I am struggling with how and what to say when asked... the best response I've developed in my head is:
"My ex is unwell and was unwilling to take the necessary steps to get better. I left the marriage because ultimately, he threatened my safety and my child's safety."
too much?
"My ex is unwell and was unwilling to take the necessary steps to get better. I left the marriage because ultimately, he threatened my safety and my child's safety."
too much?
That first sentence says it all quite concisely. I'm sure if someone has questions they will ask you.
Just seems the safety issue is kind of ambiguous. I would be asking, so if he gets help you are thinking of going back to him when it's safe?
Edited to add: So glad you enjoyed yourself!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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^^^^ I agree.
I remember getting back into the dating world two years after separation. I found it an excellent experience, I think in large part because I did wait a long time. I will always have warm memories of the first person I dated semi-seriously (I think we might have been "in a relationship" for a couple of weeks) because he ended things when he realized he still had strong feelings for his ex. I know that sounds weird but here's what happened: he managed to "dump" me in the most gracious and complimentary way possible ("you're wonderful, the issue is with me" - but I think he meant it, rather than it being a cheesy exit line).
I was unprepared for the elation I felt on being cut loose - not because I didn't like this fellow, but because I wouldn't have to follow through (yet) with commitment, relationship, etc. I got the validation that I needed (I am actually attractive to smart, sane, normal, healthy men who I find attractive) without the scary part of commitment. That was how I knew that a) I was not actually ready to be in a relationship with someone else, but b) some day soon, I would be ready.
I remember getting back into the dating world two years after separation. I found it an excellent experience, I think in large part because I did wait a long time. I will always have warm memories of the first person I dated semi-seriously (I think we might have been "in a relationship" for a couple of weeks) because he ended things when he realized he still had strong feelings for his ex. I know that sounds weird but here's what happened: he managed to "dump" me in the most gracious and complimentary way possible ("you're wonderful, the issue is with me" - but I think he meant it, rather than it being a cheesy exit line).
I was unprepared for the elation I felt on being cut loose - not because I didn't like this fellow, but because I wouldn't have to follow through (yet) with commitment, relationship, etc. I got the validation that I needed (I am actually attractive to smart, sane, normal, healthy men who I find attractive) without the scary part of commitment. That was how I knew that a) I was not actually ready to be in a relationship with someone else, but b) some day soon, I would be ready.
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Originally Posted by BAW81
Smarie - I understand what you mean. I am sure the fact that I am (almost) divorced with a two-year old implies that something was wrong. I am struggling with how and what to say when asked... the best response I've developed in my head is:
"My ex is unwell and was unwilling to take the necessary steps to get better. I left the marriage because ultimately, he threatened my safety and my child's safety."
too much?
"My ex is unwell and was unwilling to take the necessary steps to get better. I left the marriage because ultimately, he threatened my safety and my child's safety."
too much?
I am real happy for you though and hope one day to be there too! I know for me now I am too much of a mess to date. I thought I might be ok and "ready", but you really do need to heal from the trauma that addiction brings. You sound well on your journey
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I am happy to hear you had a good time. Trust your gut and like others have said, no need to rush. You set the pace you are comfortable with. I will paraphrase anvil's amazing advice she gave me recently: you'll be fine .... just don't chase him down the street with a chain saw or anything! 
GM
GM
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Originally Posted by Gm0824
I am happy to hear you had a good time. Trust your gut and like others have said, no need to rush. You set the pace you are comfortable with. I will paraphrase anvil's amazing advice she gave me recently: you'll be fine .... just don't chase him down the street with a chain saw or anything!
GM
GM
Also - Thank you Trailmix and Sasha as well with great thoughts and advice. As always, the support I receive here is so wonderful and greatly appreciated.
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I think time is the only way forward for us co dependants working on ourselves when it comes to dating. I've been on and off dating a man for nearly 4 years since my divorce and it has taken me a very long time to trust myself again and therefore trust him. We are very good friends and I miss him when he's not around. He treated me with kid gloves and to be fair I think he's still wondering where it's going, if anywhere. I love him. I never thought I'd love anyone again. It's been a very long time coming tho..no fireworks or sudden rushed of hormones. No heady sex or drama filled dates. No booze, no major arguments. It is so easy with him. If we just stay friends that will be OK cos, tbh, I never thought I'd get as far as I have...I thought I was too broken. He accepts my past and gets on well with my sons....so we'll see.
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Originally Posted by BAW81
Smarie - I understand what you mean. I am sure the fact that I am (almost) divorced with a two-year old implies that something was wrong. I am struggling with how and what to say when asked... the best response I've developed in my head is:
"My ex is unwell and was unwilling to take the necessary steps to get better. I left the marriage because ultimately, he threatened my safety and my child's safety."
too much?
"My ex is unwell and was unwilling to take the necessary steps to get better. I left the marriage because ultimately, he threatened my safety and my child's safety."
too much?
It comes across like someone wrote it out for you or that you are hiding something (mental illness, cancer, addiction, etc.) It is important to be neutral and proactive and come across like you are ready for another relationship.
It is important for him to know how long that you have been separated and when the divorce will be final.
Let him take the lead on asking these questions about your previous relationships. You really do not know if he is dating around or if he is only interested in you at this point.
Any negative words about your ex-husband could come across that he is next and that you will find something wrong with him.
"My husband had an addiction. It was not a healthy situation for myself and my child."
This is more neutral, and it is easier to be empathetic.
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